"I'm in love with you."
I push away from him instantly, my heart beating so fast in my chest I can feel it trying to escape. His words keep replaying in my thoughts, over and over again. Love, love, love. No he can't, he can't love me! This emotion doesn't exist, it is not real, his feelings for me aren't real.
I walk further away from him, my nerves getting the better of me as I try to at least calm down but it doesn't work. I never expected to react like this, I thought I would have laughed at him and went sure. But instead, I stand a few feet away from him, my body shaking and my head shaking his words from my thoughts.
We haven't known each other long enough for him to be able to say that word to me. No, no, no. He doesn't love me, he is just saying that to keep me here, so I don't leave later tonight. He is just saying that so he can win this stupid game we were playing. Gosh damit, why was I so stupid? I shouldn't have agreed to this game with him, we wouldn't be sitting here right now apart after he just told me he loves me. He just can't love me.
Each time I try to turn my gaze to Mathew, my heart increases its speed to the point where I am close to vomiting it up. I can't look at him, not after what I have just done. I can tell from here I have hurt him; how could I not have hurt him? I pushed away from him when he said he loves me, I can't look him in the eyes, my body reactions tell him everything he needs to know about what he has done to me. I don't want him to love me, I don't want anyone to have those fake feelings for me. They are not real, love is a fake emotion created by those who want to feel something.
Calming my racing heart, my breathing slows down just enough to have the courage to slowly raise my head towards Mathew. My heart instantly stops when I see him. Gosh, I done that. I changed him. He sits defeated, his whole body slumped over as he looks to his hands. My bottom lip rolls into my teeth as I hold my emotions in, his whole posture making me well up with tears.
A soft gasp escapes me when Mathews dark eyes meet mine. They hold every emotion I need to understand how he is feeling. Tears threaten to spill from them when our eyes meet. I hold my breath when I see him pull a sad smile to his lips.
"I-" He clears his throat when it catches. "I guess you don't feel the same way then."
It is my turn to start developing tears in my eyes, my heart hurting as I stare at Mathew. I do feel the same way about him, but is it love? No it isn't. I enjoy being around him, I enjoy being in his arms and when he kisses me my body just goes crazy. But what I feel isn't love, no, no it can't be. Or can it? Can what I be feeling is love for Mathew? No, no it isn't!
"I-I'm sorry?" I reply back, my voice straining so I don't break down into tears. I am seconds away from it though, if he says one more thing that hurts my heart or looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes then I am about to crumble.
I wish we had done everything differently. I wish we could have met earlier and my feelings for him would be justifiable with the amount of time we have known each other. Nine hours is not enough time to know if you are in love with someone or not.
"I just thought you would be feeling the same way I do, you know after everything that we have done today." My heart wants me to scream and tell him I do, I do have the same feelings. But my head is being more logical than my heart right now, and it is hurting me too much as I push Mathew away after spending so much time with him. I can't let him get closer to me now time is closing in on me to leave, I can't let him burden himself to me when I am not going to see him in a long time. I just can't, I have to let him go.
"I-I." I start but stop as my emotions bubble uncontrollably. I swallow thickly, my eyes dropping to my feet so I don't have to look at him as I speak these words. I know it's going to hurt him but it is going to hurt me even more, I care for him, I adore him, but I don't love him.
I take a deep breath to steady my racing heart. And then I tell him. "I don't love you Mathew, I-I don't have any feelings towards you."
"Bullshit." Mathew calls out once I finish. His dark eyes are glaring at me even though I'm not looking at him, his stare is ingrained into my senses.
My heart thumps even faster at his words, why is he being stubborn? I have already told him I don't believe in love, which means I don't love him or anything in my life. I am hurting myself to even tell him I don't have feelings for him when I know I do, but I am realizing what a mess I have gotten myself into after spending this day with Mathew.
Why did I have to be so stupid and develop feelings for Mathew when I know I am leaving? Fuck, I shouldn't have done this but then I would never have met Mathew. I am having too many conflicting thoughts about him, my feelings for him and everything that is happening or about to happen. If I wasn't leaving him, if I wasn't so afraid to confront my feelings for him, what would be happening between us? Would I be staying here with him? Would he actually have convinced me that love exists and that I just might be in love with him?
"What?" I stutter out, finally having the courage to lift my eyes from the ground and towards his. He stares at me, his dark eyes that once were filled with joy is now filled with pain.
"I said bullshit, you do have feelings for me, you do love me." Mathew explains, his voice firm and unwavering with his eyes never leaving mine. It has my heart beating faster, my whole body screaming at me to run away from this confrontation but I know I have to face it before it is too late.
"I'd like to think I know my own feelings better than anyone else." I reply curtly. Mathew raises his eyebrow, pushing himself up off the ground and stands with his arms across his chest. If I wasn't trying to keep my cool I would have one hundred percent attacked him then and there with kisses. Gosh he looks so hot when he is angry, the muscles clenched in his jaw makes his jawline stand out more than usual, those dark eyes are even darker than usual, and his body just exudes sex appeal as he stares at me.
"Oh really? You can't stand there and tell me you don't have any feelings for me, not after what we shared together." He tells slowly walking towards me, his eyes boring into mine that makes me shiver.
"I-I don't have feelings for you." I tell him instantly, my heart thumping against my chest when he stands close to me.
"Lies." Mathew mutters shaking his head at him. I hold my breath as he continues to stare at me, my body shaking with nerves as I await whatever he has to say next. "You're lying about everything."
"Shut up." I mumble through greeted teeth, my hand balling into a fist at my side. Gosh, for once I wish he wasn't so stubborn but he isn't lying and that is what is making it worse. I wish he would just give up and let me leave as is, taking my memories of him to England so I can remember him but he isn't making this easy. He wont let me give unless I confess my feelings for him, but I am stubborn myself and wont let myself in to his trap again.
"No I won't, I will not stop going until you tell me the truth about your feelings. God damnit, I fucking love you, how can you be so blind to my feelings for you?!" Mathew yells out, his hands flying to his sides. I startle at his sudden outburst, my eyes widening as I watch him from where I stand. I did not expect that to happen nor for him to tell me he loves me again, he can't mean anything that he's saying. He is just upset that I am not listening to him, that my feelings for him just aren't the same as how he feels about me.
"Just stop being so stubborn and realise you lost, I don't love you." I say to him calmly, but my fist clinched tightly as I hold in my emotions once again. Why is this so hard? Is what I am feeling going to turn into heartbreak once we walk away? I don't want to get my heart broken, not when I haven't experienced anything like this before, I wouldn't know what to do or act. I mean I have seen things on television when the protagonist gets their heart broken, but it doesn't amount to how much I am hurting as I look into those dark eyes of his.
"Me being stubborn?" Mathew scoffs folding his arms across that toned chest of his. "You are the one being stubborn, you won't open your eyes to see that love is all around you and that it is a natural emotion to feel. You're just being silly, I love you and you love me, don't try and tell me differently when I know the truth."
"Stop it Mathew! I don't love you, I never will love you no matter how much you try and convince me that I do. It doesn't exist, it never has and it never will. Just stop it." I yell out in frustration to him. My breathing is rough as I stare at him, my chest rising and falling heavily. Mathew just stares at me, his own chest rising and falling heavily as he tries to calm his own breathing after my own outburst. His jaw clenches even more, the outline becoming more defined.
"You stop it, stop being so delusional! I love you, OK. I fucking love you, I did from the moment I saw you walk into that coffee shop nine hours ago." Mathew shouts to me, his words once again firm and unwavering like he is being honest but I don't believe it. I shake my head to rid my thoughts of his words, can he just stop it and leave it alone?! I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to argue with him with whoever is right or wrong. I just want to go and have those memories with him, the ones were we were both happy and not arguing with each other over this.
"You can't love me, you don't know me." I mumble out, my teeth clenched once again to control my emotions. Now I am getting frustrated with him, why can't he see that I don't want to do this anymore? I do have feelings for him, I wont deny that but I can't tell him, I can't let him know and I wont budge when it comes to telling him. But most importantly, I want him to stop telling me that he loves me. It is impossible for him to have loved me since he first saw me, we barely spoke any words to each other when we first met and now he tells me he has loved me from the moment he first saw me. How delusional is he? I am not the one being delusional.
"Really? You want to play this card now. OK." Mathew says with a nod of his head, his legs starting to move slowly towards me. "Don't you tell me what I can and can't feel for someone, especially what I feel for you. I love you and that's the end of the story."
"You don't love me, you just think you do." I answer him back curtly, my eyes glaring into his when he stops in front of me.
"There you go again, telling me I can't love you. You just wont quit, will you?" Mathew asks tilting his head to me. I gulp when he lowers himself to me, his breath fanning against my lips. I wish I didn't have feelings for him, I wish I didn't care for him but I do and that's what hurts me right now. I want to kiss him and tell him that I'm sorry, that I don't want us to leave like this but instead I push him away from me.
"You wont quit either so don't start being a jerk about it." I spit at him, my blood boiling. "You're just as bad."
"I thought you would have wanted something to happen between us!" Mathew shouts out loudly this time, his own frustration growing on his face. "I thought you cared for me, I thought you wanted me to be your first for everything!"
"I did!" I yell out to him, my hands moving out to my sides. "But you're being such a jerk right now I am wondering why I even let myself do everything with you."
"You're being a bitch right now." Mathew shouts angrily at me, his own hands balling into fists at his side. "You need to wake up into the real world Reid, you can't protect your heart from everything and if that means getting it broken by love then it means just that!"
I startle at Mathews words, my mind going blank as I stare at him. Did he really just call me the B word? I can't believe it, I take a few steps back to regain my composure again before I confront Mathew. My thoughts keep going over every words he has spoken to me throughout our argument. I just wish we had have gone another route with this, that we wouldn't have fought and argued like we did.
I take a deep breath and look towards him, his eyes have me holding in my breath. I have to do this, I have to leave him after everything we have been through. I don't want to, my heart burns with pain just thinking about it but this what is right, right?
"I'm going to go Mathew, I'm sorry." I mutter to him, my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach as I turn away from him. I am sorry for what I am doing, I don't want to leave him like this after we just argued over the emotion of love but I have to go. I have to let him go and I must go live my life in another country without him, but I will always have our shared memories to look back on.
"Are you really?" Mathew asks, a bite of spite heard in his tone.
I turn around abruptly, my eyes narrowing in to his own as I stalk towards him. "Yes I am, I am sorry to be leaving you but you're making this harder than it needs to be. Yes, I wish I could have met you sooner, that something more might have transpired between us and this wasn't happening, but it is, so suck it up and deal with it."
Mathew grabs my hand as I turn away from him. "Then don't leave, stay with me please." He says in a tone that tugs on my heart strings.
I shake my head, keeping the tears that form in my eyes at bay. "I can't, you know I can't. I have to go." I plead pulling my hand from Mathews. His hand falls limp to his side, his own body deflating once again when I move away from him.
"So this is it then? Is this going to be our final memory together?" Mathew calls out after me. I turn around, the tears now trailing down my cheeks as I meet his soft sad gaze.
"I'm sorry." I answer him. I take one last look at him, my mind making a mental picture of him and then I turn away.
I rush down the stairs to my parents house, my body numb and aching as I enter. I ignore everyone who calls out to me, the tears streaming down my cheeks at an alarming rate as I enter my vacant bedroom. I collapse to my bed, my heart hammering in my chest as I suppress my sobs so nobody hears them.
I wish my last memory with Mathew would have been different, that that stupid argument never happened, that he never told me he loved me. Why did he have to say that?! Why when he knows I am leaving? Gosh, I hate this. I hate the pain I am feeling in my chest, I hate that I am crying over a guy I just met nine hours ago. I care about Mathew too much, that is why I am hurting and I wish I wasn't.
I am too afraid to confront my feelings for him because once I know I have spoken those words aloud, I can't go back. I can no longer hide what I feel, I can no longer pretend I don't care when I truly do once I let him know I care for him.
The door to my bedroom opens and in walks Austin, he says nothing as he sits on my bed bringing me into his arms.
"What is wrong?" He asks after a few minutes of silence.
I push myself from his arms, using the sleeve to the jumper I wear to clean my face. "I'm just upset to be leaving, that's all." I like turning away from Austin. I try to stand but my knees are weak, but nothing amounts to the pain I feel in my heart. I can't keep thinking about how stupid I have been, why did I have to let myself fall for Mathew? Why do I have to be so afraid to confront my feelings for him? Why is everything happening now when I'm leaving? The universe works in mysterious ways and for once I am not happy about what it has done for me.
"If you say so." Austin mutters giving me a knowing look. We have been friends for sixteen years! Of course he is going to know when I am lying, but he doesn't push me or say anything further.
After a few minutes of sitting in complete silence, the party still raging on around us, I turn to my best friend. I bite back my tears when I spot the time on the clock, it's time.
"I know." Austin tells when I open my mouth to say goodbye. I grasp at him, bringing him into a hug as I sob into his chest. Too many emotions, too many I am feeling that I don't know how to properly calculate what to feel and what not to. Everything is coming out at once, but the main pain I feel is heartbreak.
"I'm going to miss you." I mutter through my sobs. Austin nods his head, soothing my sobs with a hand rubbing my back. The knock of the door breaks us apart, in walks my mother and she looks like she hasn't stopped sobbing either.
"Darling, it's time to go to the airport." She tells me, reaching her hand out for me to hold. I nod my head, biting my bottom lip to stop anymore emotions from bubbling out if me.
We walk into the room, some people stayed while others left, and the ones who stayed all look to me with sad faces. I knew this was going to be hard saying goodbye to everyone, but I never expected it to be this hard.
"I'm going to miss everyone." I choke out before another wave of tears hit me. Austin brings me into his arms, holding me while others around us join in on the group hug but the one person I want so desperately isn't here. I shouldn't have acted like that, I am regretting everything I said and done to him during our argument but I can't go back in time and change everything. What was said was said and that's that. We move on.
After breaking away from everyone, I turn to my parents who hold out my suitcase for me. Wow, this is really happening.
"I," I start but stop when my voice catches in my throat. "Goodbye everyone." I am waved out of the house, my heart hammering loudly in my chest as I climb into the taxi waiting out front.
Well, that's that. It is over. Everything good must come to an end, Mathew and I have ended whatever we had between us and there is no going back now.
A/N: Whoops! I needed some spice in this book and yeah I needed them to 'break up' but keep reading! You know I dont leave my books like that :)
But yeah! Christmas time! I hope everyone has a safe and fun winter break, I'm hoping to get this book finished soon because there is only seven more chapter left.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Apologises for mistakes and that.
See you with my next update!
-Lauryn.