Amanda was lying on her bed, staring at the smooth metal of the ceiling. She could not feel Selik at all. He had been totally gone from her head for almost two hours now.
She tried meditating, but the empty bond centers in her mind were raw. It hurt so badly to try, and now that Selik was gone, everything felt wrong.
When Selik entered the room, she was jolted from her attempt at meditation.
“Amanda,” he said, his voice reserved.
“Selik, are you okay?” She sat up and looked over at him. He was still blocking her.
He nodded.
Her words tumbled over each other as she spoke. “I didn’t realize it was bothering you so much. I would never have done it. I’m sorry,” she looked down, ashamed. “I just get caught up in myself sometimes, you know?”
“I felt that I was the only one taking our situation seriously, Amanda,” he said. He sat on the bed across from her.
“I know. I know it’s serious, Selik. I swear. I’ll help you figure this out. I just thought…I just thought I could have a bit of fun in the mean time.” She shrugged. It all felt so stupid now. She wanted Selik back.
“I cannot say that I understand, but I do know my sister.” Selik’s small smile made her relax.
“I can help with the transporter,” she offered. “I know I haven’t been studying as much as you about it, but I learn quickly.” She was plenty smart, Vulcan smart. She could catch up, and she could make it up to her brother.
“Your help would be appreciated,” Selik said. He was watching her intently, but without the link, she found she could not read him.
“What happened, Selik? You haven’t yelled like that in over two years.” She wanted to touch him, to show him how much she cared, but he made no move to lower the walls between them so neither would she.
“I lost control. I need meditation, Amanda. And I had not been able to achieve it,” he admitted, looking down.
“Had not? So you were able to meditate?” She was glad for him.
“Commander Spock helped me,” Selik said, stiffly.
Her stomach plummeted at his words.
“You let Spock meld with you?” Her voice betrayed her disbelief.
“Yes,” Selik’s voice was hesitant.
“But he’s a stranger! He’s not Father.”
“He is hardly a stranger! And he is not Father, but he will be,” Selik insisted.
“After all the crap you gave me about melding with Noah?”
“Commander Spock will be our Father. Noah McCoy is just some boy you think is physically appealing.” Any warmth that had been in Selik’s voice was gone.
“You hardly even know Noah!”
Selik hardly talked to anyone but their family or scientists in the lab. He had played with some of the other Enterprise kids—including Noah—when they were younger, but as Selik grew older, he had retreated into his studies.
“Do you actually believe that Noah and Commander Spock are even comparable? The Commander is related regardless of what age he is.”
“Fine,” she shrugged, hiding her hurt. “So are you and Commander Spock going to be best buddies now, just like at home?”
Amanda hated herself for it, but she was jealous. Here she was with her parents who didn’t even know her yet, and Spock still picked Selik over her. And worse, now Selik was blocking her, and Selik was melding with this Spock.
She was alone, utterly alone.
“Amanda, I needed his help. Losing our bonds was scrambling my mind. I could hardly think! I could not control my thoughts!”
“Do you think I don’t feel it too?” Her voice cracked. She wanted to cry. She felt the tears threatening to spill but stopped them. She was Vulcan enough to control that.
“Of course you do. And our pain was rebounding off of each other and amplifying. I had to block you. And I had to meditate without you. I needed Spock’s help, Amanda. I needed it.”
“So it’s Spock now. No Commander?” She hurt so badly then. The pain felt physical. Her lungs and heart felt heavy.
“Amanda, he would help you too if you would let him, just like Father would.”
“I don’t want a Vulcan mind, Selik. I don’t want Father to jump into my thoughts and change them. They’re mine. I just want him to—I don’t know. I just want my mind to be my own.”
“Melding with Father would not forfeit your independence,” Selik insisted.
“I just don’t want anyone in my head but me.” She wanted Selik to stop blocking her. She wanted his presence known to her. But she did not like it when she melded with him or Father. She did not like the feeling of someone else walking through her mind. Noah was okay, because she was in control of the meld. With her family though, it was an entirely different experience.
“You have to meditate, Amanda. Your mind is in pain right now. And your emotions are totally unchecked.” Selik almost sounded like he was begging.
“I’ll deal with it by myself, like I do everything. I don’t need you or Spock,” she moved past him, avoiding his touch.
“We are meeting in the science labs to discuss how to fix this at the beginning of Beta shift. Will you join us?” Selik’s voice was gentle again.
She opened the door and spoke just before shutting it behind her, “I’m sure you and Spock are better off without me anyway.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kirk’s mind drifted back to Selik’s outburst throughout the morning shift. He wanted to ask Spock about it, but he felt like there was some weird Vulcan telepathy stuff going on that was not necessarily his business.
He thought about Amanda too. He had not seen her since the meeting that morning, when her Vulcan act became quite real.
In between Alpha and Beta shift, he had wandered by the temporary quarters they had given the teenagers. But no one answered the door.
Kirk made his normal rounds through different departments, asking after experiments and general status. He also asked if anyone had seen Amanda around.
He found Selik and Spock elbows deep in data (“There is no physical manifestation of data into which we can immerse our arms, Captain.”). They seemed almost chummy now, for Vulcans anyway.
He finally found the girl, alone in one of the private training alcoves off of the recreation room. She had on a red body suit and was circling a punching bag.
Kirk knocked on the door, which was glass.
Amanda’s head jerked up. She looked surprised to see him, but showed neither pleasure nor displeasure at his presence.
She opened the door and let him in. “Hello Captain. Do you need anything?” She was not winded in the slightest, but her skin shone with a thin layer of sweat.
“Want some company?” He asked, smiling. He only had paperwork that was pressing right now, and he thought Amanda might like the company after the spat with her brother.
“I’m sure you have more important things to do,” she said, shrugging.
He smiled. “Bones says I need to exercise more all of the time. I’ll just go throw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt.”
He changed quickly in one of the locker rooms and made his way back to her training alcove.
She was pounding away at the punching bag, her hair falling in strips around her head as she spun with roundhouse kicks.
He didn’t say anything to her as he walked in. He went up to the bag and held it still for her, and she unleashed another series of blows more suited to stationary targets.
When she was finished with that flurry of attack, she breathed deeply and wandered over to a bottle of water she had in the corner.
Kirk crossed his arms and watched her. “Do you wanna talk about what happened today?”
Amanda stiffened slightly as she took a small sip of water. She wiped a bit of sweat from her lip and shrugged at him.
“I was being immature. Selik got mad at me. It’s all fairly standard for us.”
“It didn’t seem standard.” Jim shrugged back. “Selik seems like the type not to have outbursts like that.”
“You’re extrapolating based off of Commander Spock, Captain.” A bitter note passed through her voice. “As much as Selik would like to be, he isn’t the Commander.”
“I doubt Selik wishes to be someone else. That seems illogical.”
Amanda rolled her eyes. “Okay, so Selik was really mad at me. And he hadn’t been able to meditate, which big scary Vulcans need to function without having said outbursts when their annoying sisters are obnoxious.”
“You talk like you aren’t Vulcan,” Jim pointed out.
Amanda shrugged. “Are we going to work out or not?”
Jim laughed. “Fine. Okay. Want to spar?”
Amanda smiled. “I have some Vulcan strength, you know.”
“It’s alright. I fight Spock sometimes. I’ve won before.”
“Really?” Amanda raised her eyebrows.
“Okay, once. I’ve won once, and it was because I accidentally touched Spock’s skin.”
Amanda laughed. “My Dad at home uses that to win too.” There was a twinkle in Amanda’s eye that made Jim uncomfortable.
Jim didn't have a good come back so he ignored the comment.
“How about we make a wager?” Jim offered, as they began to circle each other.
“A wager?” She questioned.
“Every time I land a blow, I get to ask a question, and you answer it.”
Amanda frowned slightly. “What kind of question?”
“Inquirer’s choice.” Jim smiled.
“Fine. Then I get a question when I land a blow, right?
“I’m an open book.” Jim opened his arms wide.
When Kirk suggested the sparring, he thought he’d have more of a chance of winning than ended up being the case.
Amanda had the strength of a Vulcan, but her moves were harder to anticipate than Spock’s. She was also more lithe and sharp with her motions. Where Spock was more careful and calculated, Amanda was impulsive. She had all of Kirk’s advantage in fighting with Spock’s strength and agility.
Still, by the end of the fight, when Kirk held up his hands in defeat, he had earned three questions, while Amanda had seven.
They sat across from each other on the mats in the gym. Kirk laid on his back, panting, staring at the ceiling.
“Want some water?” Amanda offered her water bottle.
Jim took it and squirted it into his mouth and over his hair.
“How’d I do?” He asked, smiling at her and handing the water back.
“You are slightly less skilled than my Dad,” Amanda smiled. “But he’s had more practice time with me. Was that your first question?”
“No way, kid.” Jim laughed.
“Alright. Who goes first?” She asked.
Her black Vulcan locks were hanging in strips down her forehead now. Her ponytail was hanging limp at her shoulder. Seeing a Vulcan look so tired was odd.
“You. Let the old man catch his breath.”
“Are you dating anyone right now?” she asked, her voice too casual.
Kirk’s heart skipped. “Uh, nah. Not really my thing. I’m way too busy.”
“Your thing?”
“We get follow up questions?” Kirk grinned over at her.
“If the answer is dull, sure.”
“I’m busy being the youngest starship captain right now,” he shrugged at her. “I’ve got a reputation for being a flirt. I don’t know if you know that. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you. I use whatever I have at my disposal to get my job done though. And sometimes that involves these baby blues.”
Amanda didn’t seem perturbed by his answer, so he figured he hadn’t just completely blown her picture of her father.
He wanted to start out with a simple question; he'd save the hard questions for later.
“Are you dating anyone right now?”
She looked down into her lap and gave a painful laugh
“Uh, yeah, I guess so.”
“You guess?” He furrowed his brow. He hadn’t meant to ask a difficult question.
“There’s a guy…Noah’s his name. We’ve been dating for over a month now.”
Jim raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t kept a relationship for more than a week at her age.
“Do I approve?” Jim asked.
Amanda blushed, a soft green seeping into her cheeks. “You didn’t know until recently.”
“I’m going to tell you now. Dad-me is probably really freaked out by the idea of his daughter dating anyone because I was holy terror as a teenager.”
Amanda laughed, the tenseness in her voice easing. “He’s good. Noah is.”
“Are you gonna expand without me wasting a question?” Jim smiled again.
She shrugged, looking slightly sad. “It’s hard, dating.”
Jim wanted to tell her that she was too young to be taking dating so seriously. He wanted to tell her that dating got better when you weren’t a kid anymore. But he knew that wouldn’t have helped him feel better ten years ago.
“Yeah, it is,” he agreed simply.
“Do you have any idea what it’s like being a touch telepath and trying to date?” Amanda asked him, her voice sad.
“No, not at all.”
“Every guy I talk to, every one I flirt with, if I touch them…I can feel how they feel about me. I feel the lust or the aversion or the curiosity.” She was grim at this. “So many of my friends who I thought just wanted to be friends…” Her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat and met Kirk’s gaze.
“But Noah,” she continued after a moment. “He’s the only person I ever liked who, when I’d accidentally touch him, he was genuinely interested in me as a person. Not me as a Vulcan-hybrid or me as an exotic alien. Just…Amanda.”
Jim imagined being a pretty girl who could sense her friends’ feelings about her. He thought that he would enjoy the power of knowing, but it also might not be the best thing to know what teenage boys were feeling.
“Preliminarily, I would say I like this Noah kid, if that means anything to you,” Kirk told her. “But I also wanna tell you to wait until the Humans get through puberty. They’ll get better.”
Amanda laughed. “Yeah, that’s essentially what Selik tells me.”
“Alright. Next question for me?”
Amanda pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them. “Do you like Commander Spock? And I mean like, like.”
Kirk’s breath caught a bit, and he looked away from her and up to the ceiling. He had guessed she might ask.
“I think he’s…attractive,” Kirk frowned. “Do you even want to hear this about your Father?” He looked over at her.
She was smiling lightly. “Keep talking. I’ve heard much worse.”
“Fine,” Kirk rolled his eyes. “He’s attractive, sure. He’s loyal as hell and a great friend. If I’m on a mission, he’s my first choice to have my back. ” Kirk let his arms splay away from his sides. “But when I’m thinking romantic, I just can’t see it. Spock’s just so…Spock. He’s always perfectly prim and his expressions range from impassive to impassive with a raised eyebrow. I’m an affectionate person. I’m tactile.”
Jim took a deep breath. “I don’t see how Spock could put up with me, or how I could be reserved enough for him.”
Amanda’s eyes were narrowed slightly. “Have you ever actually paid attention to him around you?”
Jim furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
“All of those things you said totally apply to Spock with everyone else in the world. But not you, never you. Even here.” Amanda’s voice was vehement.
“I mean, he puts up with some of my crap because we’re friends,” Jim shrugged. “That doesn’t mean he’d exactly fulfill the affection quota.”
“I’ve walked in on my fathers having sex, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“Jesus Christ! That is not what I was getting at,” he objected. Well, that was sort of true. Part of his mind block with Spock and romance was the idea that Spock could never, well, get it on. “And how the hell does that work out? Wouldn’t Spock sense your presence or something?”
“I think he was otherwise occupied,” Amanda’s expression was slightly nauseous. “And it’s hardly my fault they decided to get down right before I was meeting my Dad for lunch.”
“Well,” Jim ran his hand through his hair. It was damp with sweat and water. “I’m sorry for that. Even though it wasn’t me.”
“Dad made it up to me for the next month. Father wouldn’t look me in the eye for what felt like a year.” Amanda’s voice was odd again.
“Okay, okay,” Jim sat up now, crossing his legs and facing her. “My turn now.” He braced himself because he sensed this wasn’t going to be an appreciated question.
“Do you meditate, Amanda?”
She frowned, suspicious. “Sometimes, why?”
“You said big scary Vulcans need meditation to function.”
“I’m not pure Vulcan.” She shrugged. “Did you talk to Selik?”
“Nah.” Jim tapped his fingers against the ground. “I just wanna know more about you. You’re part Vulcan, like Selik. He certainly needed meditation this morning. Don’t you need to meditate too?”
Amanda sighed and flopped backwards against the ground. “I’m terrible at it,” she said, her voice was strained. “I try to do it. I sit, I focus, I try to clear my thoughts. But then it’s like all of my stress and worry and emotions just collapse in on me.”
“I don’t know much about meditation,” Jim admitted. He watched her breathing, slow and even. “But I think you’re supposed to confront and dismiss those sorts of things, right?”
“Yeah, and I’m shit at it.” She gesticulated at the air. “Selik’s so calm and collected and cool with himself. I can’t handle being in my own head for that long.”
Jim sighed because he understood. He understood the need to be moving all of the time. He understood how hard it sometimes was to confront yourself.
“I guess that’s fair,” Jim said.
“I don’t think sometimes, when I’m just being impulsive. Which is why I end up doing stupid stuff that makes Selik angry.” She sighed. “He might have the more human biology, but he makes a hell of a better Vulcan than I do. He usually wouldn’t let something this small push him over the edge.”
Jim tried to give her a sympathetic look. It must be hard to balance two natures that could be at such odds to each other. “That makes sense. I'm sorry it's hard for you.”
Amanda was quiet for a while. She started tapping her white sneakers against the mat.
“Okay, my turn,” she said, sitting back up. She gave him a smile, but it was obviously forced. “Do you want kids?”
Jim whistled and ran his hand over his face. “Well this is hardly fair.”
“I’m not necessarily your daughter. I could be from an alternate reality. So the question isn’t entirely unfair.” She was grinning honestly now, and it wasn’t even weird on the Vulcan face. He found it sort of adorable.
“I didn’t ever think I’d have the chance to have kids, honestly. When I imagined having kids, I thought it’d be some girl I accidentally got pregnant.” Kirk thought this probably wasn’t the best thing to tell a kid that might be yours, but he didn’t want to ruin the honesty thing they had going.
“So the idea that you planned kids with your First Officer?” Amanda laughed.
“Yeah,” Jim said, rubbing the back of his neck. “A bit weird.”
“Well, whether by accident or plan, do you want to be a father?”
Jim shrugged, avoiding her gaze. He stared at his own sneakers: Starfleet issue white, just like Amanda’s.
“I had a pretty terrible childhood. So I guess I never really thought I could amount up to any sort of dad. It’s not like I had a lot of great role models.” Jim eyed her. “Not sure how you didn’t end up a complete screw up.”
“Hey, I’m pretty screwed up,” she admitted with a wry grin. “But I don’t think it’s my Dad’s fault. He’s really great.”
Amanda’s face fell a bit then, and Jim felt bad. But he knew what his last question was going to be now.
“Amanda, how are your bond centers?”
She winced, and her face fell more. “I’m dealing.”
“How?” Jim asked, his voice gentle. He watched her closely. Her shoulders had slumped.
“I just am,” she snapped.
Jim didn’t want to make her feel attacked.
“Amanda, I’m just asking how you’re doing. This is rough; I know enough to know that this is hard. There’s no shame in that.”
She looked away from him. Her hands were gripped around each other tightly. “I keep busy. I’m keeping busy. That’s why I’m in the gym.”
Jim softened his expression. “Amanda, running away from your problems doesn’t work for Humans or Vulcans.”
“I’m not running away,” she countered. Her eyes were glassy. “It’ll get better with time. Everything does.”
“If you want to talk though, I want you to know I’m a great listener.” Jim scooted closer to her on the mat. He didn’t touch her, because of the touch telepathy, but he thought she might appreciate the closeness all the same.
“I don’t know,” she said. She curled her legs into her chest again.
“You miss them a lot,” he prompted.
Amanda nodded, her lips tight. She was quiet for a minute and then spoke on the brink of tears.
“I fought with him, my sa’mekh. Right before we transported here. I yelled at him.” Her voice was raspy and wobbly.
She started to shake, and Jim fought the instinct to comfort. Jim had never heard the term sa’mekh. It sounded affectionate…familial.
“And now we might never make it back, and the last time I ever spoke to either of them will have been in a fight! I’m so stupid!” She yelled, her voice cracking on her words. She had her fingers threaded through her hair, and she was holding her head in tight grip.
“Amanda,” Jim carefully grabbed her wrists where fabric still separated their skin. He pulled her arms away from her head and let them fall to her side. “It’s okay. I promise your dads aren’t mad. They probably just want you back.”
She looked up at him. Her soft brown eyes were wide and full of tears. “My Father doesn’t even like me. I’m too loud and too Human.”
“But Amanda, he married a Human, right?” Jim didn’t dwell on the fact that he was the Human in this scenario.
“You’re special,” Amanda bit out; tears were falling down her face now. “He resents that Selik isn’t the more Vulcan one. He wishes I were the one who looked Human, who had the more Human biology.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.” Jim hoped it wasn’t true, but he honestly couldn’t say that he knew Spock well enough to judge.
“Even here!” Amanda gestured toward the door, presumably meaning this time period. “Even here, Spock and Selik are mind melding and being best friends. And I’m all alone! Selik won’t let me in his thoughts, and he’s letting this Spock in and I don’t have anyone!” Her words tumbled over each other in a rush of emotion.
Jim screwed the worry about touch telepathy and put an arm around her. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” He rubbed her back gently.
“It’s not. We’re going to be stuck here because I was stupid enough to stand on the transporter pad. And now I don’t have any family left.”
Her eyes were shot with lines of green, and her face was wet with tears now.
Jim felt out of his depth. He didn’t know enough about Vulcans to say what Selik was going to do or what her Father felt. He didn’t know enough about any of Amanda’s relationships.
“Even here, even where Spock barely knows Selik or I, he picks Selik.” Amanda let her head fall to her knees. Her voice was heavy with sorrow.
Jim frowned. He continued rubbing her back. “Selik needed his help, Amanda. Like you said, Selik needed to meditate.”
“I know,” she whispered, wiping her tears a bit. “But it’s like this at home too. Father hardly talks to me except to tell me how I need to meditate more, or how I should spend less time hanging with friends. He wants me to be just like Selik.”
“Hey, you can’t think like that. Parents just want the best for their kids,” Jim said, although he didn’t even believe that himself. He had seen bad parenting, but he had to believe that he and Spock were better than that. “I’m sure your Father just doesn’t know what else to say to you.”
“If he cared, he’d figure something out, right?” Amanda sniffed and watched him through her tears.
Jim sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes adults are out of their depth too, trust me,” he said.
Amanda wiped her face and wiggled away from him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. You just look so much like him,” she apologized.
“I’m not overwhelmed,” Jim said. It wasn’t a complete lie. “If Spock’s being there for Selik, then I’ll be there for you.”
“You really don’t have to. I’m doing alright.” She smiled weakly.
“I’m sure. But sometimes it helps to talk.” He met her smile. “So do you want to keep asking me questions? You still have four.”
Her eyes lost some of their sorrow. “Can we go get dinner? I’ll save the other three.”
Kirk nodded with an encouraging grin. “Definitely.”
“Can we sit alone though? I don’t want to talk to anyone else right now.”
“Absolutely.” He stood and held out a hand to help her up. “Oh!” He withdrew the hand. “Sorry. Touch telepathy.”
She smiled and got up on her own. “It’s alright.”
He stood there facing her, watching her for a moment. Her crying had cleared quickly, and he could see little evidence of it in her face. Her skin had lost the green tinge of puffiness. But he thought he could see weariness in her eyes now.
He was still considering her when she suddenly burst forward and hugged him.
He didn’t have time to react, and so the hug started out as more of a vice grip, where Kirk couldn’t move his arms.
“Thank you,” she said. “For caring.”
Jim shifted himself and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “Hey, no problem.” He laughed into her hair. “You remind me of myself.”
Suddenly, Jim felt warmth perfuse his veins. He gasped under the feeling before he realized it was Amanda’s emotions, projecting into him. He was feeling an overwhelming sense of warm relief.
“That’s what my Dad says at home,” she said into his shoulder. “He said I’m him but Vulcan-amplified, and therefore I’ve been a terror my whole life.”
“Sounds like fun,” Kirk commented. Jim imagined the emotional outbursts he had seen from his Spock, and he could imagine what Vulcan-amplified meant. The thought intimidated him, but it was also intriguing.
How could a girl with Vulcan biology be so Human? It was, as Spock would say, fascinating.
“I certainly hope so,” she agreed.