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I pressed my legs on the floor as I was fighting with a gentle, yet firm force around my wrist, trying to free myself. My head felt like it was spinning since I began to experience a new emotion that I never encountered before. It was full of everything that was happening but my mind was still capable of absorbing it, causing my heartbeat to settle for a complete mess.
Staying still, I demanded myself to process what had happened and what was happening at the time. It was difficult since both of them rushed into every single vein in my mind. I couldn't even say a word, let alone get up and run, which I preferred more but my legs felt so weak.
Then I received another strength; not forceful but strong, pulling me towards a direction that I had been trying to get away from going.
"Roseanne..." Melissa's voice sent another attack to my brain. "Again?"
I hesitated as soon as I heard her request, shaking my head in response because fear had risen from within. Melissa didn't move since I couldn't feel any shifting except for her grip around my hand. So I guessed she was still resting her head on the table, staring at me at the moment.
I kind of expected she would wake up at any time but I didn't expect myself to kiss her... on the lips! I wasn't sure where that idea came from and how I got the strength to do it. Was it a wrong move?
"You don't want to do it again?" Melissa let out another question.
I shook my head one more time to respond to her, feeling like my mouth was glued.
"It will feel better if you do it again"
Melissa didn't sound like she was just talking but persuading as well, and her reaction to what I did to her really confused me. To be honest I thought she would get mad at me for kissing her. I didn't think before I did it. I didn't even consider or have a second thought about it. I just kissed her, letting all my emotions overpower my common sense. She had all the rights to be frustrated and get angry for my actions. Besides, she wasn't feeling well and she probably had been crying at home. How could I take advantage on her in that condition?
"Roseanne, both of us will feel bad if you don't do it again" She added.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to speak up.
"I- I already feel bad"
I finally managed to give my first response after the kiss, stuttering.
Melissa loosened her grip around my wrist that was previously stopping me from leaving, which surprised me a little. She lets me go? Is she mad? Am I too stubborn until she gives up? Those were the questions that rushed into my head, putting even more stress for me to handle than they already were.
But then I got my answers when she trailed her fingers along my arm, stopping when they reached my shoulder and that was when I felt her getting up from the resting position.
I could feel her breath brushing against my face shortly after. So I put both of my hands on her instantly when I realised how close our distance was, hoping she wouldn't get any closer.
"Lisa-"
"I feel bad too" She cut my sentence off as her hand continued to travel to my nape.
"I'm so sorry" I whispered weakly, lowering my head to express my regrets.
"I don't want to leave feeling this way" She said while her other hand reached my chin, pulling my head back up gently. "My chest hurts"
My jaw trembled when I tried so hard to hold the urge to cry. It was because I knew exactly what she was feeling since my chest was in pain too. I felt like I wanted to punch it until it bruised because this kind of pain wasn't something Melissa and I could explain to each other. It was an internal torture that left no physical evidence whatsoever.
"Could you please fix it, Roseanne?"
Guilt had dominated my heart when I heard her. Melissa sounded like she was hurt and heartbroken by my rejection. Her voice was weak, almost pleading in hope that I would help her.
"Please fix it..." She pulled me by the neck with an appropriate amount of pressure, maintaining her softness as her priority.
Melissa knew exactly how to touch me, considering her past attempts before we started talking. Her touches were never harsh, always graceful as someone who treated me with respect even though I wasn't in the same social class as hers. Because of that, she earned herself a privilege to be the only person who got to touch my soul.
She continued to pull me and only stopped when something that I assumed was her nose, met mine. Melissa just stayed there, probably still thinking of what else she could do to calm me as we both shared the same breath in that tight space.
Sighing, I sensed the tendency of me giving what she wanted since Melissa didn't do any move on me more than she felt she should be. That was how kind she was to me. I figured that she loved to tease but not to the extent of making me uncomfortable. Evaluating her gestures, I just knew that she wasn't playing around like she used to.
At that time, she was deeply giving herself to me. Melissa made me realise that kissing her wasn't wrong, building the trust for me to do it again and her patience was what softened my heart. So I finally leaned in, pressing my lips on hers again just like how I did earlier.
Melissa held my face with both of her hands this time as she began to kiss me. Her lips moved against mine as I froze there, trying to sink a new feeling in when our lips touched.
What is this? Why it's so heavy? Why my chest feels a lot worse than before?
But it didn't take long for her to pull away, breaking the kiss softly.
"Roseanne?" She called.
"Y-yes?"
"Don't close your mouth" She whispered while her thumbs were stroking my cheeks.
I nodded, keeping my eyes closed under her touch and she caught my lips back.
I did what Melissa told me, parting my mouth slightly as her minty breath rushed into mine. I had to admit that she almost made me gasp when she took my bottom lip, planting a small panic in me but she fixed it immediately with her gentle sucking.
Our breath had gotten audible and heavier than before. My heart raced as if I was running, and I couldn't ignore the building heat that came out of nowhere. Melissa on the contrary created an image of her being confident and collected like she knew what she was doing while her hands slid down to my body, stroking my back.
"Lisa..." I breathed out in between kisses.
"Baby..." Melissa responded with a call name that wasn't expected but it had an extraordinary effect that made me melt inside. "That's alright, come here" Her arms pulled me even closer, requesting for another wish to be granted as our lips brushed against each other. "Hug me..."
So I shifted on my seat, following her hands that were gesturing my arms up and they rested around her neck. At that point, I wasn't even sure why I just listened to her without feeling like I was being forced or anything similar. Everything was done so smoothly despite of the nervousness that was wrecking my chest, it just felt so comfortable and right to do.
I was getting breathless when I abide by the stroke of her lips, giving me the feeling of something called pleasure for the first time. Her soft flesh were no longer cold as before. They were already warmed and tasted so amazing once I was confident enough to imitate the way I was kissed, and I tried my best to kiss her back even though I never done it before.
It was Melissa who did it in a perfect pace; not too slow and not too fast either, giving me enough time to copy her movements without any pressure that I must did the same to her. Apart from the emotional burden I was having, there was no stress in the kiss whatsoever. Everything went as good as it was, and having Melissa to be the one who took my first kiss away felt like the most comfortable thing in the world.
She was right about that; it does feel better when it's done again, and perhaps, again?
As I was distracted by how loving she was kissing me, I felt a sudden grip on me when my blazer was pushed up, and Melissa tugged my inner shirt out from my skirt.
"Lisa-"
Wincing, I pulled away from the heated kiss in response to her touch that surprised me so much. That gesture was definitely not the usual way of her touching me before and I hated to confess how anxious it made me feel. Even my hands rushed to her arms, grasping them firmly. Knowing how Melissa was; a soft, polite girl I knew since I was a child, I expected her to be aware of the fear she gave me through her hands but she caught my lips back before I could let any words out.
She snuck both of her hands into my shirt, entering fast enough that gave no second for me to stop her. My whole body shivered in contact with her skin as her fingers roamed on my back, feeling every curve of me since there was no piece of fabric covered her touches anymore.
The kind and tender kiss we shared earlier had changed into a much stronger pressure. Her lips were moving fast, almost feeling like the kiss was getting aggressive second by second and making me whimper in order to steal a breath.
Melissa on the other hand began to let out moans with her raspy voice that I would forever remember. She sounded so different yet so pleasing to my ears, desperately tasting my lips as if her future depended on them. Although I was a little bit scared of this side of her, there was a small spot in my heart that sought for the sweetness of it, flattering myself with the possibility that Melissa loved kissing me.
But the kiss wasn't the only thing I was conscious about since coping with another foreign feeling that had been lingering around since Melissa and I started kissing already marked its place in my brain. That excitement grew even tougher as if it was cheering for Melissa's eagerness, making me cross my legs just to hold it down. I never felt that way before but I was aware of what it was.
I had learned it before that I would only get to experience the throbbing sensation once I was sexually attracted to someone, and for my case, that someone happened to be Melissa Maas who was still couldn't get enough of my lips.
She finally broke the kiss before it turned sloppy and I thought it was all ended. But I was wrong for assuming her lips would leave my skin after that. They didn't. Instead, they continued to press soft kisses on my cheek when she was back to her clamer state. Melissa's hands were still trailing on my back, causing my body to arch when her fingers reached my waist.
"You are beautiful, Roseanne" She whispered, caressing her lips down to my jaw. "You smell so good" She added before her kisses spread on my neck.
"Lisa..." I whimpered her name out, tightening my grip around her arms since her unpredictable trait that I just figured earlier had taken my attention.
I really had to be prepared for any sudden move she might take next.
My heartbeat sprinted again when she left wet kisses on my skin. Everything was just overbearing yet persuasive enough for me to take the sensation she was giving. So I freed her arms, curling her hair with my fingers as I held her head this time.
I groaned when Melissa started to suck my neck, taking that sensitive part of me in between her two arches of teeth. She didn't do it too hard that might cause pain but it was so weirdly pleasurable.
As I got carried away by the excitement, I was taken aback by her hand when she unclasped my bra.
"Lisa!" I exclaimed, grabbing her shoulders in an instant and pushing her body away.
She fought back by wrapping her arms around my back, pulling me towards her again and she pressed her face onto the crook of my neck like she wasn't even affected by my reaction. Melissa stayed relax, probably didn't want to encourage my nervousness even more if she didn't maintain her attitude.
Panicking, I slapped away any attempt to calm myself down. It was because I couldn't believe she had the bravery to do that to me and I didn't know how to free myself from her either. She held me so tight like she didn't want to let go, and I was so scared when the thoughts of what might happen later haunted my mind.
But then I felt Melissa loosened her arms, creating a small space in between our chests that was enough for me to give a push and get out from that situation. I could sense that she was actually giving me a chance to leave as she had stopped using her strength on me.
I knew right away that it was my only shot. I could end everything we were doing if I took that chance but her fingers trailed along my spine. It was so gentle that felt like a caress that I learned to love, and I sighed upon realisation of how much I wanted her to touch me.
Melissa waited for my response for seconds, still having some amount of patience left for me to finalise my decision; get up or stay there with her. When she noticed I remained still on my chair, that was when she brought her lips back to mine.
I cupped her face while she deepened the kiss. Small moans escaped her mouth and so did mine as both of us were enjoying the warmth and sensation of each other's lips.
"I missed you" Melissa said, catching up her breath.
"You told me that last night" I chuckled and she smiled in the kiss.
"I miss you all the time, Roseanne, what should I do?"
Her voice was different this time, sounding like she was in pain and so helpless to handle it. She made me think of how could someone like her; charismatic and charming, suddenly became weak?
"Kiss me..." I answered her.
I didn't have a specific reason why I chose that answer. I just felt like it since I really wanted her to do that to me. I didn't want to receive just light touches on my shoulder anymore, or only the scent of her behind me at the park. I gave her a hint that she could just come and kiss me if she wanted to, especially when she missed me.
Melissa didn't object as she let me taste her lips again. The temperature around us had gotten hotter, heating up the fast-pace kiss and making it harder for us to breathe. The soft trails she left on my back earlier had turned into a full touch, grasping every inch of my skin.
I felt her fingers move to the front of my body, squeezing my stomach gently and travelling up to rest them at my ribs. Although I was panting, the air was never enough to supply the needy lungs of mine. Even my head started to ache while my hands trembled, getting nervous because of her touches.
But then I gasped in her mouth, parting the kiss slightly as I flinched to her hands that were cupping my breasts.
The shivering I had might come from the force I put on myself to accept the pleasure of Melissa massaging my chest, feeling my nipples hardened when she swirled them with her fingers. She claimed my lips again, probably wanting all my moans to meet her ears. So I kissed her back, hugging her around her neck and convincing myself that everything would be just fine. I was safe in Melissa's hands, nothing would go wrong since I was sure that she knew what she was doing.
But thinking about Melissa herself was already overwhelming enough. I had Melissa's soft lips on mine. I had Melissa's hands on my breasts. I had Melissa's hair in my grip. I even had the arousal in between my legs that I had been trying to ignore.
It was the first time in my life that I felt like I was going crazy.
"Shit!" She groaned when the bell rang and she rested her head on my right shoulder, showing her frustration.
Pulling her into a hug, I laughed at her for acting like she didn't get what she wanted at all.
"Roseanne, can we just stay here?"
"No we can't, Lisa" I chuckled when I heard her whine.
"Fine then"
Her fingers attached those clips of my bra back, tucking the hem of my shirt into my skirt right after that.
"Lisa, you don't have to" I told her as I reached for her hands and tried to remove them off my outfit.
Melissa didn't say a word. She just took my hands and kissed them softly instead before continuing to fix my uniform.
Sighing, I allowed her to help me since she would do it anyway even though I disagreed with it. Because no matter how soft she treated me, I found out that there were certain things she would be firm on.
We cleaned our things up, ready to go back to the next class. Melissa offered to walk me as a kind person that she was, which I declined at first but I couldn't stand listening to her pleading. So I ended up walking with her, hand in hand.
"Melissa!"
A sharp voice echoed in the hallway that headed to the locker area, and Melissa tightened her grip. She didn't even stop her steps, continuing to walk as if she didn't hear the call.
But I recognised that voice, that yell to be exact. It was still fresh in my mind and the voice belonged to that Kaltz girl who took my seat in class the other day.
I heard footsteps approaching, running, and I believed they were hers coming right at us.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
She yelled just like how she did in the class, probably positioning herself in front of Melissa since the walk had stopped.
My blood started to pump, building the anger in me with the way she talked to Melissa. I was wondering if the correct question was where her manners had been?
"You knew we have a friendly match today. Now our team is disqualified because you were absent!"
"Ms. Kaltz" Melissa greeted her, ignoring everything the girl just said.
"Ohh come on, Lisa! Stop this salutation bullshit!"
"Would you excuse us? We have a class to catch"
Melissa didn't waste more time as she pulled my hand softly, gesturing me to follow her lead.
"So, are you guys like dating or something?"
"I believe that's none of your business"
The Kaltz girl chuckled before she said something that stabbed my heart instantly.
"At least find someone who is better than me. She's not even in my league"
"Mind your words, Jennie!" Melissa pressed her voice a little louder, probably holding herself from yelling.
I didn't hear anything from that girl anymore while Melissa's steps were getting faster, dragging me along. I could sense the rage inside her and decide not to talk to her no matter how bad I wanted to ask about what happened earlier. She was being quiet also in the whole walk until we reached our class.
She continued to walk me towards my table but I stopped my legs, pulling her hand slightly.
"Is everything okay, Roseanne?" She asked. There was softness in her voice compared to the one she projected earlier, and I was relieved to hear that kind of voice coming out from her mouth.
"Can I not sit at my table?"
"Huh?" She sounded confused, which I found cute. "Then where do you want to sit?"
"Next to you..."
She didn't respond to me fast enough. She was just being quiet again as my hand was still in hers. I wondered what was going on with her at that time.
"Are you smiling at me, Lisa?"
"Yes I am" She finally giggled, causing me to whine. "You are so cute I can't"
"Lisa, I'm serious"
"Okay but you have to put on my sweater" She answered, brushing her breath close to my ear like she wanted to whisper something. "Or I have to do our library things again to keep you warm"
"Lisa!" I exclaimed, slapping her arm with my other hand.
I didn't want to be reminded of what happened at the library, at least not in school. I needed to take my own time, probably thinking about it later at night before going to bed. Only then I would squeal into my pillow and remember every detail of it.
How could she just tease me like that?
So we settled down at our tables side by side, studying. Melissa was being her usual self, didn't talk much except for asking me if I had an eraser for her to borrow. I didn't have an eraser, I couldn't even see what I wanted to erase.
She could be a dork sometimes.
I couldn't pay attention anymore to the class. It was because of the discomfort in between my legs, feeling the damp caused by our 'sport activity' back in the library. Then, it was because of Jennie Kaltz if I heard Melissa correctly about the name.
I needed to know who she was to Melissa and why did she say something about finding someone better than her. One did not just simply let out that kind of sentence to someone. It must be any trace of history in between.
"Roseanne?"
"Yeah?" I responded when Melissa broke the silence between us for God knew how long it had been.
"You are not reading your textbook, is everything alright?"
"No, actually I have something in mind"
"Is it about me?"
I nodded hesitantly. Well, I didn't want to make it awkward between Melissa and I. We were doing great as friends, sort of. I was very happy being with her to the point that I genuinely thought I had never been that happy before. I would forever thank her for that but I needed to know something about her even though it meant breaking my own heart.
I heard she handled her stuff on the table, closing the textbook when the lecture was still on going.
"Okay, you can ask me now" She said as she took my hand under the table, caressing my skin with her thumb.
I brought my head down, choosing a question to ask first since I had many in my mind at the time. It was because Melissa wouldn't want to 'talk' all the time, considering how closed and quiet person she was. That could be my only chance.
"Things we did at the library..." I started with that particular one even though I already figured out the answer, I still wanted to hear it from her own mouth. "Have you done it before?"
"Yes"
Melissa answered shortly, admitting in a very straight forward way without any doubt. My heart sank along with that yes word.
"But not at the library, of course" She added as she tightened her grip.
I knew it. I could tell by her gestures but my suspicion didn't come into my mind when we were doing 'thing' earlier. It came after.
Who am I kidding? Of course she had done that before since she already knew what to do and how to do it. Unlike me, I just sat quietly, being all scared to touch her while she roamed freely on my skin as she pleased.
"With who?" I shot the second question while the disappointment was filling the empty spaces in my heart.
"Ms. Jennie Kaltz"
Another stab went through my chest. I was speechless, having no more guts to ask her anything. It wasn't that I didn't want to but I was scared of listening to the answers, and how casual Melissa blurted them out like they meant nothing to her.
A flood of thoughts rushed in, destroying the happiness I had earlier. What if one day I ended up like Jennie Kaltz? What if Melissa just showed up one day with a different girl and ignored me like she had found someone better to replace me with?
My heart ached just by thinking about that possibility.
"Hey..." Her soothing voice dragged me out, slowly saving me from the deadly thoughts I created. "Don't get me wrong, please? That was last year and it just happened once"
She began to explain her answer further. There was something in her tone that could be a fear, or nervousness. She could probably feel that I was hurt by her response and I was pleased when she finally care to talk more.
"Roseanne, no. How should I say this, ohh God" She started to shift a lot in her seat, tapping her leg on the floor and being anxious. "I had nothing with her whatsoever, no feelings or anything"
"So you just kissed someone without feelings?"
I shot her with annoyance. I actually felt some sort of relief by her answer, knowing that she had no past relationship with that Kaltz girl, but I got angry at the same time. How could she be ignorant about that? It might just a light sexual activity to her but it could be not to the other party.
How could she just do something intimate and expect no attachment afterwards? To be frank, I got disturbed by that statement of hers.
"Roseanne- no, don't" Melissa was still trying to explain. "It's not like that-" She stopped herself, letting go of my hand and shifting her position again. "Please don't..."
She let out a series of short words that I failed to put them all together and build a complete sentence. Is she talking puzzle? Because I was so bad at putting things together.
"Lisa..." I called to get her attention back to me.
"Don't be like-" She stopped again. "No, don't, I'm suck at this" Melissa exhaled loudly in a disappointment of not be able to talk the way she should be.
So she took my hand back in hers, intertwining our fingers in a tight grip.
"Roseanne please, I really like you"
Just like that, she healed everything. As easy as that, she brushed every bad thought I had earlier off my mind.
Melissa might be bad at talking. She didn't know how to elaborate things and that could be why Mr. Maas sent her for a speech class at the first place; to make her talk better. But in that weakness, I found something good in proximity; talking the right thing with the right words, and at the right time.
She was actually good at making it short but brief enough. I was fluttered by her confession that was strong enough to shake the whole bottle of butterflies in my stomach.
"Lisa, I'm not mad at you"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I was just asking"
"We are good right?" She asked again for reassurance. "I mean, we are not fighting or what, right?"
"No Lisa," I let out small chuckles. "We are not fighting"
"We better not, thank goodness" She sounded like she already eased herself too as I put a smile on. "Or I may need to send tons of chocolates to your house"
"I kind of like that idea" I joked.
"Really? You like that chocolate?"
"Yeah, it tasted good. I like it"
"What about me? You like me too right?" She moved again, getting closer to me as I could feel her breath this time. "Well, you have got to like me too, right?"
Laughing, I shook my head and Melissa brought her other hand to my stomach.
"No no no Roseanne, don't shake your head like that. That's not fair" She poked me in a sudden move that made me jump a little.
"Lisa, don't-"
"Please like me back"
"Lisa, we are in the class"
"I don't care, I would kiss you here if you don't say it"
"Yes Lisa, I like you too" I finally confessed under her threat. I didn't know why but I actually thought she would do that; kiss me in the class, for real. Even the thought of it scared me.
"Fair enough"