Hi guys,
First of all, I'm really sorry it's been so long. I know I always say this but I'm always sorry. Life really really really got in the way. But I'm here now, with the second part (and finale) to this story. Maybe you'd be well-advised to check back at part one before starting this (since it's been four months and all that), and at least reread the ending. Or I can just summarize it for you: they kiss in the end.
I hope this is still somewhat enjoyable for you even though you probably cancelled me months ago. I love you for reading.
Love, Nikki
——
The world still turned after the kiss.
That is, the sun still came up every morning, September became October, the trees all turned orange—
and Karlie still wanted to get married. In spite of everything – in spite of her hand grazing Taylor's cheek so tenderly, in spite of the urgency of her movements when she finally pulled Taylor towards her, in spite of the seeming inevitability of their reunion. In spite of everything, she still wanted to get married.
By the way, Taylor knew that was supposed to be a good thing, Karlie finding happiness and all that. She was supposed to be happy that Josh had forgiven Karlie. Karlie had made that abundantly clear; she had called Taylor ten hours after landing in New York and told her that she and Josh "had discussed things" and that they had decided that "given the circumstances, there's no reason to blow off the wedding". Her voice had been light and cheerful and Taylor was clearly expected to be cheerful as well. Even though she had kind of been hoping the wedding was off. Not even because she so desperately wanted Karlie and Josh to break up, but because she would rather swallow acid than attend Karlie's wedding as a bridesmaid.
And also because Karlie had fucking kissed her. And Taylor knew that Karlie was stupid and stubborn, and that she had this idealistic view of this marriage as a solution for all her problems, but she also knew that Karlie was spectacularly wrong, and more hung up on her that she had dared to show. And... for Josh to go along with it, to be told 'I kissed my ex-girlfriend last weekend' and just brush it off as no big deal... She had honestly thought he was smarter than that.
Alas, Josh Kushner was an idiot and there was going to be a wedding. Which also meant that Taylor was back to being a part-time wedding planner. Karlie apparently didn't think this kiss was a reason to keep Taylor at a distance, and she was still happy as ever to seek Taylor's counsel for decorations, guest lists, and bridesmaids' dresses. And because Taylor couldn't say no to Karlie and she would have used any excuse to talk to her, she was still as actively engaged with Karlie's wedding shenanigans as she had been before. Karlie needed advice on flowers at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday? Taylor picked up the phone on the second ring. Karlie was panicking over the table setting? Taylor calmed her down and offered her advice. Karlie needed to pick between three types of bridesmaids' dresses and needed Taylor to model them for her? Sure, she could do that. Except there was this one detail—
"Why don't you just model them yourself? Doesn't the fact that you're a supermodel make you kind of perfect for that job?"
Taylor could practically hear Karlie roll her eyes through the phone when she asked that question.
"Haha," Karlie said. "No, I need to see you in them because you're my favorite bridesmaid."
"So you suggest I come to New York to pull on some dresses so you can make sure I look good at your wedding?" Taylor had already decided she would do it, of course – she just wanted Karlie to really think about what she was asking.
"Yes," Karlie said confidently. "You have a show in Arlington on the fifth, right?"
"Yes," Taylor said. "Oh... so that means it would have to be tomorrow."
"Yes, tomorrow works."
"It doesn't work for me," Taylor laughed, surprised at Karlie's dominant demeanor. "What, you think I can just hop on a plane and be there tomorrow morning?" It was already 9 p.m., her plane was currently being cleaned and prepped for the next flight, there was absolutely no way she could do that.
"Aren't you rich or something?" Karlie said, purposefully matching the tone of Taylor's previous question. "You have a private plane."
"Yes, but – you do know I can't fly it myself, right? My staff has a couple days off, too, I can't just ask them to—"
"You can do anything, you're Taylor Swift."
"Yeah, but I'm not God, I can't just—"
"Taylor, I miss you," Karlie said. All her prior confidence had disappeared; she suddenly sounded sad and nervous and shaky. "I just miss you. I want you here."
Normally, Taylor would have been sensitive to the vulnerability of this confession, but now she couldn't bring herself to feel anything but anger. She was angry at Karlie, angry at herself, angry at the situation. So for a moment, she forgot to be nice and complacent. "What do you mean, you miss me? So, what, you want me to come to New York so you can put me in a nice dress and kiss me again? Because that's what's going to happen, right? You'll kiss me again and make everything just a little more complicated than it already was, and then you'll marry Josh anyway, and I'm left feeling disappointed and heartbroken and mostly very cheated, because I love you and you love me and somehow we're not together!"
It was quiet for a while, and just when Taylor thought silence was the only answer she was going to get, Karlie cleared her throat. "You're right," she mumbled. "It's not fair to you. I'm sorry."
"It's not really fair to you either, is it?" Taylor said bitterly. "It's not fair to deprive yourself of something so... good and right and real."
Karlie let out a small snort. "Did you just quote your own song?"
"It's a good song," Taylor shrugged.
Karlie chuckled, then sniffed, and Taylor realized she was crying.
"Hey, now, don't cry..."
"Listen, Taylor," Karlie started, ignoring Taylor's attempt at soothing her. "Of course I love you. You're my great love. I love you. I love you like I've never loved anyone before and I'll never love anyone again. But Josh makes me feel safe. I don't feel anxious about saying or doing the wrong thing all the time, I'm not worried about what will be the next disaster, the next thing to detour us. My years with you were amazing and unforgettable, and I've learned so much and loved so deeply, and I don't regret it one single bit. But I need something more stable now. I can't live my whole life in uncertainty. And... you deserve someone who has the same effect on you as Josh has on me."
"Don't you tell me what I deserve," Taylor said coldly, taken aback by Karlie's honesty.
"No, I am telling you that, because I don't think you understand what relationships are supposed to be like," Karlie continued. "They're not supposed to be full of uncertainty and anxiety, Taylor. I love you and you love me, but that's not enough."
"Are you even listening to yourself? You know what – I mean, okay." Taylor was fuming, because Karlie had no business being all rational when she was the one who caused this mess. And she had also no business explaining relationships to Taylor as if Taylor's entire livelihood didn't depend on describing what relationships are like. And Taylor was a hopeless romantic, and she didn't want to believe that loving Karlie so deeply and epically wasn't enough. But she knew that she probably couldn't change Karlie's mind, and that she had no right to try so, and that she had to end this phone call before she would say things she would regret. So that was what she did. "I'm going to hang up now, but I'm gonna leave you with one thought: maybe you shouldn't be with someone solely because it feels safe. Maybe the occasional anxieties just mean you have something worth fighting for." When Karlie didn't respond within two seconds, Taylor quickly added: "Bye Karlie."
She hung up before she had the chance to doubt herself. Speaking her mind was all she could really do. She couldn't beg Karlie to take her back. Sure, she didn't want Karlie to do something she would regret, but she wasn't going to talk her out of getting married. Karlie had the full right to make her own decisions and suffer the consequences. It wasn't Taylor's responsibility to make sure that Karlie would turn out fine. Especially considering her judgement was spectacularly clouded when it came to Karlie.
And after all, Karlie was just doing what she thought would make her happy. And all Taylor wanted was for Karlie to be happy. They had the same goal. She couldn't blame Karlie for pursuing what she thought was her ticket to happiness.
But it was a shame, though, because she knew that she and Karlie could be something really beautiful if they would decide to give it another try. And she also knew that if Karlie gave her another chance, she would do anything to make it work.
She was finally ready to choose Karlie over the spotlight... and Karlie was choosing him.
——
"Why don't you just tell her?"
Taylor had just thrown a grape in the air with the intention to catch it with her mouth, but Abigail's question caused her to turn her head. The grape fell on her cheek and rolled over the side of her face before it landed in her hair. They both laughed.
"Wait, let me do that again." Taylor threw the grape in the air and caught it. She threw her fist in the air in victory. "Yes!"
It was October 3rd and they were laying on the carpet in Taylor's living room. The rain was drumming on the windows and the stereo was playing one of their throwback playlists (country songs from when they were sixteen). Taylor was sad, but Abigail's presence made her not want to cry; it made her want to catch grapes with her mouth and scream along to "Before He Cheats". So she was thankful that Abigail had come. As long as she didn't start asking that kind of questions.
"Why don't you just tell her?" Abigail repeated.
"Tell her what?"
"Tell her everything. Tell her you'd be willing to give up everything for her."
Sadly, Abigail wasn't planning on letting this go. Taylor rolled her eyes, because Abigail knew all too well that she was suggesting something that was virtually impossible. "I can't just... tell her that. Not after everything we've been through. I can't say 'I know you've waited two years for me to do this but now that you've finally moved on, I'm ready'."
"You don't have to say that. You can just tell her that things will be different this time around." Abigail sounded so calm, so comfortable talking about something that made Taylor feel so wrong and weak and vulnerable. Suddenly Taylor was angry.
"No."
Her tone was so cold and sharp that Abigail flinched. "Woah, Tay—"
"I can't just tell her that. She won't believe me. She has no reason to. You know this isn't the first time I've promised her that, right? I've let her down so many times—"
"But you won't let her down this time," Abigail argued, using her elbows to lift herself up so she could look at Taylor. Her eyes were shining with determination and Taylor was just so frustrated because why couldn't she understand—
"She doesn't know that," she said loudly.
"But you do!" Abigail persisted. "So convince her! It really ain't that difficult! Fly to New York, go to her apartment, give her a long speech about how it's always been her, sing her a song, I don't know... Aren't you supposed to be a hopeless romantic?"
"Don't you think I want that?" Taylor's voice was shaking and she wasn't sure if it was with anger or sadness. "It's just... We're not eighteen anymore. Regardless of what happened between me and Karlie in the past, regardless of whatever old feelings are left between us, she wants to get married to him. She's happy."
Abigail opened her mouth and clearly had to try very hard not to say what she had wanted to say. She was quiet, then sighed, and sighed again. And then she said: "Taylor, believe me, she's exactly as happy as you are. And sadly, she is also exactly as stubborn."
---
New York, October 15th
It was only 72 hours until the wedding, and Karlie found herself sitting out on her apartment's balcony realizing she was officially going insane. The simple act of sitting on your balcony might not typically have been deemed 'insane', but Karlie wasn't just sitting, she was also sipping a martini (while it was noon) and wearing her wedding dress (while it was 40 degrees out). She was also crying – the unadulterated kind of crying, a sadness that felt deep and harsh, and hard to ignore or brush off (which was how Karlie usually dealt with sadness). She was devastated, angry, and shocked that she had so much feelings about this. She felt cheated that she barely cried over big things, like the fact that her fiancé had barely said two words to her over the past month, but that one simple text message had managed to send her into a nervous breakdown.
I can't come to the wedding if it's gonna be the 18th, because I have a show in Perth the next day. I'm sorry, but I think we both know it's better this way. I wish you all the best.
Maybe it was ironic that instead of cancelling the wedding, they had been forced to advance it by four days, so that it would fit Josh's parents' schedule. All of a sudden, Karlie was getting married in three days, and everything felt wrong – because her ex-girlfriend-slash-bridesmaid wasn't coming. She knew it was ridiculous to care that much when there were so many other things to care about, and she also knew it was ridiculous to feel angry, as if it hadn't been completely ludicrous to invite Taylor to her wedding in the first place. She knew she was being ridiculous – she just couldn't seem to stop being ridiculous. Why was it that she wanted Taylor there so badly? Was it still the five-year-old fantasy, the hopelessly romanticized impossible scenario of secretly marrying Taylor at one of the tropical islands they had ran off to? Or was it the newer, more disturbing version where she married bridesmaid-Taylor in New York, in a venue that looked an awful lot like hers and Josh's?
Had she really invited Taylor hoping that she could marry her instead?
But she didn't want to marry Taylor, right? The last thing she wanted was 60 more years of being afraid Taylor would disappear in the middle of the night. She wanted consistency and certainty, she wanted Josh. But then she glanced at her shaking hands and involuntarily pictured them on Taylor's face, and she hated herself. She hated her heart for betraying her like this.
And she did when she always did when fantasies of Taylor snuck into her mind: she remembered why they had felt forced to quit. She remembered sitting in Taylor's bedroom, trying to make herself as small as possible while Taylor was pacing back and forth, throwing Karlie's stuff in a suitcase. You have to leave. They can't know you're with me. She remembered all the apologies she had stifled because Taylor somehow managed to turn every apology into a fight. Don't just apologize because you want me to take the blame. I know it's all my fault, you don't have to rub it in. She remembered being afraid to say just anything, because Taylor was so angry and harsh and frustrated, and Karlie was so sensitive and so sad. She remembered being afraid to move, afraid to breathe in case it would set Taylor off, and remind her that Karlie had essentially ruined her life by existing – even if she hadn't meant to do so. She remembered being constantly devastated because of their love that felt more like a crime scene than anything else. And that was why she wouldn't go back to Taylor, even though she loved her more than anything else in the world. That was why this marriage to Josh was a good idea – or why it had been a good idea, before she cheated on him.
It was getting harder and harder to face him, as his look became increasingly cold and empty. She had cried so much while confessing to him that his initial reaction had been sympathy, telling her that he was upset but that he understood, that she made a mistake, and that they would be fine. She knew she was undeserving of his understanding, but she gratefully accepted it – knowing deep down, of course, that this had changed something, despite their attempt to ignore it. And, well, over the past weeks, it had become abundantly clear that something had indeed changed between them. He barely spoke to her anymore, let alone smile at her, or touch her, and Karlie had fallen into a deep pit of self-loathing. A pit where increasingly vivid fantasies of Taylor kept taunting her.
She read Taylor's text for the fifth time, and took another sip of her drink. While she swallowed away the burning in her throat, a fresh wave of tears spilled down her cheeks. But it was for the better. She knew it was for the better that Taylor wouldn't come, not just because of their complicated history and the kiss, but also because Josh assumed Taylor wouldn't come, and she hadn't corrected him. If Taylor had shown up to the wedding, there probably wouldn't have been a wedding. So why she had even wanted Taylor to come in the first place was a complete mystery to her. What was it with this love that she just couldn't let it die?
In a sudden burst of frustration, she pulled at the fabric of the wedding dress – but she didn't dare pull hard enough to let it rip, otherwise she probably would have. She looked at herself in the reflection of the window, took herself in as a bride-to-be, and remembered how she had always told Taylor: "I'm not getting married if it's not with you" —
— and for the first time, she felt doubt.
——
New York, April 2014 (flashback)
Taylor said it for the first time when they were eating dinner. They had both had meetings that day, and they'd gotten home around 5 p.m. when Taylor had cooked them a delicious stir fry. They talked about the weather (unusually warm), work (exhausting), family (dramatic, especially Karlie's). They had behaved like a normal couple, having dinner on a normal night.
Except nothing was normal, because Taylor loved Karlie.
Karlie had complimented Taylor's food, as she always did (it was always amazing), and at one point she had gotten a little melodramatic and stated something like: "When I eat this, my taste buds are crying of joy."
And Taylor had laughed super loudly (because of the wine) and said: "Karlie Elizabeth Kloss, I love you."
She didn't sound as tipsy as she was. She just sounded calm, as if it was very simple: she loved Karlie. Taylor loved Karlie.
And Karlie loved Taylor back, of course. She had loved Taylor for a long time. But she had never expected it to be mutual — well, at least she had never expected Taylor to admit that it was. There had always been a firm understanding that using words like 'love' to define their feelings was out of the question. Since day one, Karlie had Taylor tell her there was no future for them, and that getting attached would mean getting hurt. She had learned to live with all kinds of restrictions, like not seeing each other for a month because they had different schedules, and not calling Taylor her 'girlfriend' because Taylor didn't want them to be officially dating, because that meant she would have to break up with Karlie. There were a lot of rules, which Karlie had accepted as part of the deal. But — "I love you"? It sounded like a foreign language coming from Taylor's mouth. Karlie didn't know what to do except shout things like "I LOVE YOU TOO" and "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME," but she knew she would sound so desperate, so shaken up, and Taylor wanted her to be calm and casual and unfazed. So she waited a couple seconds to answer, while Taylor's cool exterior gradually turned more uncertain.
"Karlie?"
"Yes?" Karlie looked up and laughed nervously. "You love me?"
"Yes." Taylor grimaced. "I am aware it's terribly inconvenient."
"It's also terribly mutual." Karlie's cheeks instantly flushed after saying it. She grabbed Taylor's hand and squeezed it three times. "I. Love. You."
It was even weirder to say it out loud than to hear it. It was so unlike everything they had said before to create a preservative distance, but at the same time, it was pretty much the only thing Karlie had felt over the past months. She loved Taylor, Taylor loved her, and the reason this hadn't just been one date or a short fling, like they had wanted it to be, was that they were drawn to each other in ways they couldn't ignore.
"For me, it's always you," Taylor mumbled. She was no longer looking at Karlie, but absently staring at the tablecloth.
"Are you writing a song in your head?" Karlie asked, her voice trembling slightly.
"Yes, actually," Taylor said. "I'm writing a song about how we can pull this off."
"Pull this off?"
"Yes," Taylor said. "Kar, do you want to be my girlfriend?"
It sounded like she was asking Karlie if she wanted to get a cup of coffee, so casual.
"D-do I want to be your g-girlfriend?" Karlie stuttered. "Well, duh. You were the one who decided that wasn't an option, that this couldn't become something serious, that it –"
"I decided that I couldn't ask for your time and your commitment knowing I couldn't possibly fully commit to you, because you deserve better than that," Taylor interrupted her. "And that's true – that I can't give you what you deserve. But I can give you a few other things: my loyalty, my effort, and the promise that I'll try my best to make this work... in a normal relationship kind of way."
When the only response Karlie could manage was staring and blinking, Taylor sighed.
"Karlie, I just want you to be my girlfriend. I don't want anyone else to have you. I want you to know that I care about you a lot, and that I'm as serious about this as I can be."
"No one else will have me," Karlie said promptly. "I'm all yours. In whatever way you want, for as long as you want."
Taylor smiled faintly, but then her eyes turned sad. "I want to be upfront with you: I still don't know if this could actually be going somewhere. I don't know if I can ever do brunch dates and family dinners, and I'm fairly sure I could never marry a woman and have children with her. And like, I know it's too early to even be thinking about that but I just don't want to give you any false hope. I'm sorry, I know I'm asking for a lot."
"You're worth a lot," Karlie said simply. "So I need you to not be worried about that, okay? I know what I can handle and what I can't, and so do you. We'll see if we can make this work."
When Taylor didn't answer and returned to staring blankly at the tablecloth, Karlie suspected she was mulling over song lyrics and just waited in silence. She tried to ignore all the questions still swimming in her mind. 'So can I see you more often now?' 'Can I introduce you to my parents?' 'Why do you live your life so caught up in what other people think of you?' She didn't want to scare Taylor off; she knew patience was key in this whole affair, and as much as she wanted clarity and certainty, she knew Taylor was worth every grain of patience in her body.
After a minute of silent contemplation, Karlie stood up and grabbed a notepad from the kitchen counter (Taylor always had a couple of those nearby in case of songwriting emergencies). She put it down in front of her, handed her a pen, and gently stroke her hair. "Here you go, superstar."
Karlie stood there and watched Taylor write down: 'I know places we won't be found.' Then Taylor looked up at Karlie and giggled.
"We can totally pull this off."
——
October 17, 2018
"What do you mean you're not going to Australia?"
It was her mother's stunned tone that finally pulled Taylor's emotional state from 'dissociative and numb' into 'crying so much she couldn't talk'. She pulled her phone away from her ear and tried to stifle her sobs with her hand, looking around for Abigail, who had been in her living room seconds ago.
"Taylor, what's going on? Seriously, sweetie, what's up? You're freaking me out." Her mom kept talking and Taylor didn't know what to say to her that wouldn't just alarm her more, and she definitely didn't know how to explain that she was going to reschedule a show of her stadium tour because she needed to stop Karlie from marrying Josh.
"M-m-mom," Taylor tried to say, but then she heard Abigail enter the room. "Abi, h-help me?"
"Yes, honey, hand me the phone." Abigail rushed towards her and took the phone from her. "Hi Andrea, it's Abigail. Taylor is not really capable of speaking at the moment. Wait, I'm putting you on speaker."
"Abigail, what in Heaven's name is going on with her?!" was the first thing Andrea said. "What does she mean she's not going to Australia? The plane leaves in an hour! She's playing a show for 50.000 people on Friday night!"
"Yes, I am aware of those things, and she is, too," Abigail said calmly. "It's just that she's kind of having a breakdown about Karlie Kloss. See, Karlie is getting married tomorrow, and last night she sent Taylor a text saying she doesn't want to get married, but she feels forced to go through with it. And now Taylor thinks it's her responsibility to pull a Speak Now and stop the wedding from happening."
"And why the hell would she do that?" Andrea asked, sounding dumbfounded.
"Well, because she's in love with Karlie," Abigail answered, clearly thinking of this as a very obvious fact.
Andrea was silent for a second. "Taylor, is that true? After all this time?"
Taylor nodded.
"She's nodding," Abigail clarified.
"Oh, wow..." Andrea said softly. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry you have to feel this way. It must be incredibly painful to watch someone you love marry someone else. But listen to me very carefully, what Karlie decides to do tomorrow is her decision, and it's not your responsibility to make sure she makes the right one. And you can't reschedule a show with a two days' notice – I'm sorry, Taylor, but you just can't. This is not just about the fifty-thousand fans who have already travelled to Perth and paid for their hotel rooms, who have been counting down to this day for months, it's also about the people you employ, the hundreds of crew members who are already in Perth preparing the stadium, building up your stage, rehearsing... You can't reschedule it. It's too late, I'm sorry."
Taylor and Abigail shared a look, and then Abigail said carefully: "Andrea, I think she already made her choice. Believe me, I've been trying to talk her out of this for over an hour, but she's already discussed this with her flight crew, with her staff in Perth, with the stadium... They'll be releasing a statement any minute now."
Andrea cleared her throat and Taylor could sense her inner conflict; she respected her mom so much for not pushing her more. Andrea had obviously realized how much this had to mean to Taylor in order to come to the decision to let her fans down like this. "Okay," she said, sounding embittered but steadfast. "And Abigail, does Taylor know this means that the whole world will know she's in love with Karlie Kloss?"
Abigail and Taylor exchanged another look, and Taylor gave her a barely noticeable nod.
"Yes," Abigail said. "Honestly, I think that's kind of the point."
——
The flight from Nashville to New York was officially the strangest flight Taylor had ever been on, and she had been on lots of flights so that was saying something. Her anxiety was through the roof, so it was basically two hours of clenching the armrests of her chair, drinking sparkling water to calm her nausea, and staring into space, wondering what the hell she was going to say to Karlie when she saw her.
Her cabin crew was dead silent, and Taylor was used to having their chattering as a background noise during flights, so it made the atmosphere even more tense. Her crew might not exactly know what was going on, but they knew they were flying to New York when they were supposed to fly to Australia, and that was enough. Taylor couldn't even imagine what they were thinking.
She couldn't think about the fans in Perth without starting to cry, so she tried not to. Instead, she thought about Karlie, and the stupid text messages which had gotten her on this plane.
Taylor i don't wanna get married
I really dont
But its too late now i know
I just don't know what to do
Taylor had reread it so many times that the letters were looking all weird and shaky to her now. She studied it like she had to write an essay on it for English class. Karlie said she didn't want to get married. She didn't say she had second thoughts, or that she had a bad feeling about it — she didn't want to do it. That was a strong statement to make, and Taylor couldn't imagine how scared and hopeless Karlie felt. Her heart was aching for her.
For the millionth time, she skimmed over her reply.
Kar, are you serious? You don't have to get married if you don't want to. It's not too late. You know I have to go to Australia, but you're invited to come with me if you want to.
Nobody can force you to get married, especially not when you're in Australia.
When she hadn't received a response, Taylor had panicked.
Karlie, are you okay???? Please pick up your phone.
Do you want me to come to NY???
That was last night, and when Karlie hadn't replied this morning, Taylor had called Abigail and told her she wasn't going to Australia.
I'm coming to NY. I'll be there this afternoon.
And just like that, the plan was set into motion. When Taylor's plane would land in New York City, an official statement would have been released, which said that "unforeseen circumstances" had forced Taylor to postpone her upcoming show. She would undoubtedly be photographed in the City, or at least spotted by people, and it wasn't hard to connect this to either the wedding (if Karlie decided to go through with it) or the broken-off engagement. Taylor had basically dug her own grave – or dug her way out of the closet, to put it a little less negatively. No matter what happened tomorrow, many things would never be the same.
The minute the plane touched the ground, Taylor called Karlie. She barely registered anything from leaving the plane, collecting her luggage, and getting to her car because all she did was call Karlie, over and over again, just to get that stupid voicemail every time. Hi, it's Karlie, leave a message, I will get back to you as soon as – nah, I probably won't, just text me.
Why had she turned her phone off? Taylor's stomach was feeling heavier by the second, while her impatience grew. She just wanted to see Karlie, she wanted to talk to her, she wanted to tell her everything was going to be okay. She wanted to protect her. And maybe she even wanted to say things like "please come back to me, I swear it will be different this time" knowing this wasn't the time and place for that, and that there was a 90 percent chance Karlie wouldn't believe her. She wondered how Karlie would react to her presence. Would she be angry? Relieved? In shock? Her mind raced over a 101 possible scenarios, but there was still one possibility she hadn't considered.
Karlie wasn't home.
That was, she didn't buzz her in. And thankfully, Taylor was smart enough to start calling Karlie's family before she started to obsess over more disastrous explanations for why Karlie was missing in action. Kristine was the first Kloss sister who picked up, and definitely not Taylor's first choice of who to talk to about this. But Kristine was polite, didn't ask any questions, and just told her Karlie was already "at the venue".
However, as far as Taylor was concerned, Karlie was supposed to get married in Manhattan.
"Uh, the venue?"
"Yes, in Rhode Island."
Taylor almost dropped the phone. "She's in Rhode Island?"
The bodyguard who had walked her to Karlie's front door loudly cleared his throat. "Ms. Swift, there are two cameras on the other side of the road, which means this sidewalk will be crowded with paparazzi in five minutes, so—"
Taylor shushed him. "Sorry, Kristine, you were saying?"
"Yes, she's in Rhode Island because she's getting married in two hours," Kristine said impatiently. "Taylor, can I help you with something?"
"Yes. Tell her I'm coming. Or no, don't do that." Taylor looked at her bodyguard, as if he was going to give her advice on what to do. "Uh, nevermind. Thank you."
"I don't know what's going on, but Karlie is already freaking out, and she can't handle any more unnecessary stress," Kristine said. "So keep that in mind, please."
"Yeah, sure, okay, bye." Taylor quickly hung up. "Mike," she said, now addressing her guard. "What are the chances of us getting to Rhode Island in two hours?"
"With city traffic? That's impossible, it will take four hours at the very least. And flying isn't an option because with the time it would take to prepare the plane, it would take even longer." Mike was thinking out loud. "Uh, maybe if we pray that the city traffic is smooth and I drive 100 miles an hour on the freeway..."
"You can drive 150 miles an hour for all that I care, as long as we get there on time," Taylor said, already walking back to the car. "Let's go, we have no time to lose."
She wasn't sure why she was suddenly so full of determination, but apparently adrenaline had taken over. So Karlie was in Rhode Island, getting married in two hours. Okay. Cool. She would get to Rhode Island in under two hours. That was totally doable, right?
But when they had been driving for one hour and forty minutes and still had 100 miles to go, Taylor's certainty slowly started to fade. It didn't help that she was still on her phone trying to call Karlie, but at the same time trying to dodge worried phone calls from friends, family and Tree Paine. Luckily, she had been smart enough off her data so she didn't get any Instagram notifications, or news alerts, or anything that reminded her of the sacrifice she made to hunt down her ex-girlfriend on her wedding day. She still couldn't really wrap her head around the fact that she was not doing the Perth — and it was definitely for the better that she couldn't comprehend the full weight of it, otherwise she would have gone insane. This was so unlike her — it was hard to believe it was real.
She and Mike talked a little bit, and it felt weird to share this with him because she had maybe seen him two times before. She was declining phone calls from her mom, and here she was telling a stranger about how she felt about Karlie and what happened between them. It helped that Mike didn't actually care; he didn't judge her and he didn't have any expectations of her. He just sat there and drove and listened to her venting. Sometimes he said something like "Mm-hmm" and "Yeah, I get that," and that was pretty much all Taylor needed in this moment. Well, except for one thing...
"Yes, Mike, I really need you to drive faster." Taylor kept checking the time on her phone; it was a quarter to two, which meant the wedding was starting in fifteen minutes.
"I'm already driving 100," Mike said sourly. "So unless you want me to lose my license, it will take at least an hour."
"It won't if you drive faster," Taylor persisted. "We'll get you a new license, I don't care, as long as you drive faster."
"I'm not going to put our lives in danger for that wedding, Taylor," Mike said. "You're obviously going through something, but allow me to be your voice of reason or whatever."
"I don't need a voice of reason, I need to get there before she gets married to him!" Taylor's lips were trembling, and Mike seemed momentarily swayed by her emotional outburst, but he stayed quiet and kept driving. Taylor felt like a petulant child sitting in the passenger seat, pouting and stomping her feet because she wasn't getting her way. And she knew Mike was right – she knew that everyone who had told her she was making a mistake was right – but her intuition was too strong to ignore: she had to get to that wedding, and she had to get there fast.
"Let me drive."
"Taylor—"
"No. Pull over, we're switching." Taylor's jaw was clenched in an attempt to keep a straight face. "You don't have to come with me. This is something I need to do by myself."
Mike scoffed. "Well, I'm not letting you go by yourself so you can put yourself and other drivers in danger."
"I'll be careful. Listen, Mike, I'm your boss, so you have to listen to me."
Mike looked at her, and then back at the road. "You promise you'll be careful?"
They switched places at the closest gas station; Taylor called Mike a cab, waved him goodbye, and hastily resumed her journey. It was important to note that it had been at least six months since she had last driven a car, and that she had never driven anything like a huge black SUV before. And that she was planning on not just breaking, but demolishing the speed limit. Altogether, it was a situation that normally would have scared the crap out of her, but she was desperate and running on adrenaline, and she started driving without any hesitation. She could have thought about how dangerous it was, or how freeing it was that she was driving here by herself, without any security – but she couldn't really think about anything except how much she wanted to get to that wedding before Karlie would say "I do".
When the clock gave 2:00 p.m, marking the start of the ceremony, Taylor still had 30 minutes left. Or at least that was what her navi said; it turned out 30 minutes was actually 17 minutes if you were willing to drive recklessly enough, and at 2:17, Taylor drove the car into the venue's driveway.
The mansion and the huge garden surrounding it were beautiful, but the only reason Taylor even gave it as much as a glance was to check if she was at the right place. She parked the car, jumped out and sprinted at the entrance — still completely high on adrenaline and not thinking about what she was doing. She opened the door and stumbled inside, walking until she saw a staff member and then running again. The waitress was startled when Taylor popped up in her vision from out of nowhere, but she wasn't given much time to collect herself.
"Kushner wedding?!" Taylor shouted.
"Uh... Straight away, Ma'am," the waitress said, pointed at the nearest door.
Taylor didn't even thank her. She just stared at the wooden door, all of a sudden uncertain. Was she really going to do this? Was she going to storm inside mid-ceremony?
"Um, I'm sorry, but are you Taylor Swift?" the waitress asked unsurely.
And somehow, that was all Taylor needed. After all, she had already gone so far that she had very little to lose by opening that door. "Yes," she said, "Yes, I'm Taylor Swift, and I'm in love with Karlie Kloss, and I'm going to tell her."
And without giving it any more thought, she moved towards the door. In a perfect world, the door would have slammed open in an intimidating manner, but it was very heavy and Taylor wasn't that strong, so it opened much slower than would have been ideal. She was shaking so much when she stepped inside that she thought her knees would give in.
This was it. This was her moment. Her last-ditch effort at Karlie Kloss.
Because of her subtle entrance, most of the guest didn't even notice Taylor until she was standing halfway through the aisle. She was walking slowly, taking it step by step — warily eying the bride and groom who were still unaware of her presence.
They weren't married yet. When Taylor was sure of this, she almost sighed in relief. Josh was still reading his vows. They weren't married yet. She wasn't too late.
When more and more heads started turning to look at Taylor, and a soft murmur arose from the room, Karlie finally looked up. And it felt like Taylor was struck by lightning.
She was so beautiful — everything about her was just perfect. The long, white dress made her look like an angel, or at least someone that was not fully human. She completely snatched Taylor's breath away. Which was inconvenient because it was crucial for Taylor to be able to talk right now. This was her real-life Speak Now moment. And with Karlie looking so puzzled, she knew it all came down to the next few seconds.
"Hey," Taylor said, giving her a small wave.
Josh fell quiet when he realized his bride's attention was elsewhere. Suddenly a bunch of family members addressed Taylor at the same time, and asked her if she could please sit down so they could resume the ceremony. Karlie's mother sounded polite, Josh's father was impatient, and Josh himself just seemed utterly confused by the turn of events.
"Karlie," Taylor said, ignoring everyone. "I'm sorry to come barging in here like this, but I have to tell you something. You shouldn't marry Josh."
Taylor hadn't practiced anything, so she was just improvising at this point, and sounding more ridiculous to herself with every word she said. This was crazy. Karlie wasn't just going to ditch her wedding and run away with her.
"What?" Karlie said, baffled. "What do you mean? What are you doing here?"
"I mean you shouldn't marry Josh," Taylor said, now sounding a lot more hesitant. "Because I think you don't really want to. I think you're marrying him because you think I can't give you what you want. But see, that's where you're wrong. Things have changed since 2016. It wasn't our time then, but I think – I think we should give it another try. I know I'm asking for a lot, and I'm way too late, and I hurt you before, and I should have done better, but I'm ready to be better. And I don't know if this changes anything, but I couldn't let you get married without telling you this. And I can't let you get married knowing you don't really want to."
It was quiet for a long time. Not really quiet, because people were talking, but Karlie was quiet and that made the silence deafening. Taylor studied the green eyes which had hers locked from across the room, and tried to read the emotions in them. Shock, anger, frustration? She wasn't sure what Karlie felt, but it sure as hell wasn't anything like relief or happiness. And she realized she had to back out.
But, at the same time as Taylor was going to apologize, Karlie started talking. "You have a lot of nerve," she said, her voice trembling in anger.
"Yes, I know, I'm sorry," Taylor said quickly. "It was stupid. It was... I don't know, have a nice wedding, I'll leave."
"Yes, Taylor, please leave," Josh said loudly.
"Yes, Taylor, please leave," Karlie repeated. And Taylor had already given up and turned around, shoulders hanging in defeat, ready for her walk of shame back to the door, when Karlie added: "And take me with you."
An actual dead silence followed; all guests had stopped talking and just stared at Karlie. Taylor was sure she had misheard or misunderstood it – she turned around, holding her breath. "Wh—?"
But Karlie had already directed herself to Josh. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry, Josh."
And she walked away from the altar.
She walked away from the altar.
At this point, Taylor's brain had already given up on processing what was happening. All that was left was emotions, and more specifically the strong feeling of love and protectiveness for Karlie, which made that her intuition was to get both of them out of this room as soon as possible. So she leapt forward and made a lunge for Karlie's wrist as soon as she was within reach. They ran down the aisle together, and Taylor vaguely registered voices calling out Karlie's name, but they kept running and Karlie didn't look back once, not even when they were out in the hall, not even when they stumbled down the pebble stones of the driveway. Silent tears were running down her cheeks and Taylor didn't feel brave enough to say anything comforting yet, so she just lead her to the car, helped her get into the passenger seat without damaging her dress, and started driving.
They drove silently for a while, the only sound being Karlie's occasional sniffling. She hadn't said anything, but it was clear Taylor had to drive her away and she shouldn't speak until she was spoken to. So they just drove while they both composed themselves, and thought about what they just did and what consequences they would have to face.
After fifteen minutes, Karlie broke the silence.
"Park the car, please."
Taylor nodded, immediately slowing down until she could park the car at the side of the road; they had been driving along a deserted part of the coastline for a while and the road was empty except for them.
They both got out of the car. Karlie kicked out her shoes and took a few steps forward on the grassy roadside, looking out over the sea. Taylor couldn't do anything but stare at her angelic figure: her blonde hair, her dress, the perfect skin of her smooth shoulder blades, which Taylor recognized as being slightly tensed-up. She was standing too still, almost statue-like. Taylor didn't like it; she wanted Karlie to move, she wanted to know she was okay.
"Kar?"
Karlie turned around and Taylor immediately saw the two beads of mascara tears that were rolling down her cheeks. And then Karlie took such a big gasp of air that it seemed like she was planning on never exhaling again.
And she started sobbing.
And Taylor bolted forward, facing an inner conflict of wanting to hold Karlie and not being sure if she wanted to be touched: the compromise was grabbing Karlie's shoulders. "Hey, baby, it's okay," she said, knowing that was a stupid thing to say when things were clearly not okay, but not knowing what else to say.
"T-Taylor," Karlie stammered, breathing at an alarmingly fast pace. "Taylor..."
"Yes, I'm here. I'm here, sweetie. I'm not going anywhere." Taylor remembered Karlie's panic attacks painfully vividly. She also remembered how she used to help her overcome them: rubbing her back, talking about the cats to distract her, singing lullabies, playing with her fingers, helping her ground, helping her be okay. But she knew none of these things were going to help here — there was really nothing she could do to make this less hard. The only thing that would get Karlie through this pain was feeling it.
"What did I just do? Taylor, what did I just do? Oh, God..." Karlie was still rambling along and Taylor was still petting her arms and wiping her hair from her face in an attempt to soothe her, and she hated herself for not being able to do anything more than that.
"It's okay, sweetie. It's going to be okay. Shhh. Come on, baby, breathe for me."
"I want my dress off. Please take my dress off. Taylor, please, I can't..." Karlie started pulling at the fabric of her dress. "I can't anymore. I just want it gone, I want it all gone. Help me, please. Please."
"Yes, yes, we'll take it off, we're gonna take it off." Taylor fumbled around to find the zipper. "How does this thing — Oh, right." She pulled the zipper all the way down so Karlie could step out of the dress.
"I'm gonna get you some clothes," Taylor said, trying not to look at Karlie in her petticoat.
"No, don't leave me alone!" Karlie yelled, grabbing Taylor's arms. "D-don't go. Stay with me."
"Okay, okay," Taylor said reassuringly. "Come here." She wrapped her arms around Karlie's trembling body and brought both of them to the ground, pulling the girl onto her lap. Karlie still had a way of being simultaneously the tallest and the tiniest person Taylor had ever seen.
With Karlie lying there like a scared baby deer, an enormous surge of affection flooded Taylor's system. Memories came rushing back, of nights they had spent cuddled up together at the fireplace, talking about hypothetical future scenarios, ranging from children's names to who would die in whose arms. At a certain point in such conversations, Taylor reminded Karlie that she was the love of her life. Later, she had always wondered if these words had been true — and if they were, how things could have worked out so unfathomably bad for them. And now she was looking at Karlie's face, which was still perfect even though it was sticky with tears and makeup, and she realized everything she said had been true. Even as they were sitting here at the roadside, a pile of entwined limbs, both shivering because it was chilly — even right here, in this moment of panic and chaos and perhaps regret, Taylor felt incredibly relieved that she was finally holding Karlie again. It felt like coming home, and yes, that cliché was really the only way to describe it.
Karlie let her tears flow freely, with one arm wrapped around Taylor's waist like it was a lifeline. Taylor just sat there, stroking Karlie's back, waiting, pondering over the mess they had created. She had no idea about what their next step should be. A public statement? The thought alone gave her high blood pressure. But the alternative was going in hiding forever, which meant no more touring, no albums, no fans... and that seemed a tad worse than the first option. So, she would have to... speak now. Which shouldn't be a problem for her considering she just interrupted a wedding, but she had never been so terrified about anything.
Before she could lose herself in a spiral of panic, a small tug at her sleeve reminded her why she had to do it. She looked down and saw that Karlie had nestled her head into her lap, facing upwards. She gave Taylor a watery smile.
"So, what's next?"
"Yeah, I was just thinking. I have to call Tree, I have to call my mom, I have to call... so many people... I have to apologize to the fans. I have to write a personal statement. I have to reschedule the Perth show. I have to—"
"You have to kiss me," Karlie cut her off. "I think that's what you have to do first."
Taylor laughed. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah," Karlie said.
"Okay." Taylor was suddenly blushing like a teenager, because sure, that was a normal and appropriate thing to do right now. She leaned in and softly pressed her lips on Karlie's. "I love you," she mumbled, pulling back momentarily. "And I know this is a bold statement for me to make, but this time will be different. I'm gonna give you what you need in terms of consistency and stability. I'm gonna make you my first priority."
Karlie was silent for a moment, her hands hovering over Taylor's cheeks, before she finally placed them and kissed her. "I just... Thank you for not letting me marry someone else. And I'm sorry, about everything."
"I'm sorry, too," Taylor said, her voice shaking. "I did it all wrong. But this time will be different."
"I know. I trust you. And I love you. No matter what happens, that's not going to change." Karlie was crying again but she tried to smile it away.
"I know." Taylor was also smiling and crying and feeling every possible emotion on the spectrum. Sadness, fear, relief, happiness, guilt, hope — everything. She didn't know how she could ever describe this feeling if she had to.
And because Karlie could read her mind, she said, "This going to be one hell of a song, isn't it?"
"I think I need three albums to process this," Taylor laughed, and she tried not to think the thing that inevitably followed that: if people still want to listen to me after this.
"You'll figure it out," Karlie said, and somehow Taylor knew it was a reaction to what she hadn't said.
She nodded. "We'll figure it out."
And Karlie hugged her.
And Taylor believed in them.
——
Thank you for reading, please let me know if you liked it ❤️❤️❤️