Steve and I found ourselves happy, for a while. We spent our honeymoon between Alaska and Hawaii. We had both never been to the disconnected states and decided what better time to do it than the present. He wanted the warmth, I wanted the cold, and so we did both. We saw whales and swam in the bright blue ocean. We watched the Iditarod Race and the untouched landscapes of Alaska. We kept each other warm and simultaneously tried to cool each other.
When we returned home, we found ourselves with a garden instead and with a few stray cats who found a place to eat with us. There were countless nights we spent making each other laugh, nights we cooked, nights I taught him duets on the piano, nights we danced around the kitchen, and days we laid in bed for most of the day and decided to not get up because we were together. We found his booklet of things to catch up on in a drawer at some point and decided to catch up on movies and listen to some soundtracks.
In a sense, we became selfish. So caught in the idea of finally being able to be together and pleasing ourselves that I forgot a while of my past life. I forgot I was an Avenger, that I was Agamotto. I had Steve, finally, and he was hope.
We had duties at home that kept us busy and we had time to spend leisurely. It was domestic. There were times we spoke about how strange to do nothing. There wasn't much crime anymore. No big baddies to fight. There was peace In the world, as the grief overtook it. Steve and I would both be lying if we had said sometimes we felt guilty getting our makeshift happy ending.
Then, it happened. The subsequent times that Steve and I decided to have sex brought us a pregnancy scare. It was unexpected. We drove to the Doctor because of my consistent nausea and fatigue that just didn't exactly line up with just grieving anymore.
I would never forget the look on his face when he thought about us having a child. It was then, looking at the hope in his eyes, that I realized he had buried this wish domestic life for the greater good. He wanted this. I didn't.
I would never tell him I didn't want to be a mother. As we sat at the doctor's office, I sat and stared at my hands. Steve said nothing. I felt his eyes on me and I couldn't bring myself to look at him in the eyes.
The door opened. We were greeted by the woman. I listened, but as soon as I heard, "...I'm afraid I do have to tell you you're not pregnant..." I tuned out. I glanced to Steve and watched his entire form slouch, his face became solemn.
When we left and we returned home, it was Steve who left me to sit on the dock. I left him alone for a long while until I approached him and sat next to him. We didn't look at one another.
"You don't want them," he said, at last.
"I wouldn't say..." I started, but Steve looked at me and I stopped and thought about my words before I continued. "You and I were never meant to be here."
Steve nodded. "And you're right. I was supposed to be in the past, chasing the fight. You were supposed to be up in the stars. But I lost everyone. Everyone but you. And you lost everyone except me. You said it yourself. We were left for a reason. What if it's to get the life we never had?"
"And what happens if you're wrong?" I wondered before I could hold my tongue. It was then where I was forced to divulge on the dark thoughts that haunted my happiness, the thoughts I had in my mind. "What if this is Strange's possibility?"
He huffed. "Clara, it's been four years."
"And you're giving up hope?" I asked him. I shook my head at him. "I like where we are. I love you and I, I love living out a life with you, but I've never seen myself with children. I never had a thought in my mind about being a mother."
"I thought it would change if you felt safe with me."
"I do. I just didn't think children were in this life for us," I argued. "Back at Clint's farm, you know what happened, you know what my fear was. Is. You told me you didn't see yourself with this, with a house, settling. I didn't think you wanted kids, Steve."
Steve turned to me. "So let go of the fighter in you. Say this isn't Strange's possibility. Would you have kids with me if this was going to be our life?"
"I don't know."
"Okay," said Steve blandly. "You're right. We've both been on different paths. I guess settling down was never meant for us. I just... I just love you. For the first time in my life, I just thought I might have a family."
"No, you do have a family, I'm your family, you're mine," I insisted. I shook my head and grabbed his hands. "Okay, then let's do this, Steve. I want this with you."
He smiled sadly at me and rescinded his hand. "You don't. and its all right, Clara. It's okay," he said. He stood and left me alone at the dock.
If he wasn't upset about the idea of my refusal to have children, it was because he didn't know I still had faith in a man who lied to me and the effect it had on our relationship without him knowing. Unequivocally, despite him lying to me, I trusted Strange's words. I couldn't let go of the idea that this might very well be the possibility that he saw that this grim, dark scenario might still be it.
I sat on the edge of the dock and cried. I didn't feel like enough any longer. I had thought Steve and I being together would've been enough for him, for both of us, and it was for me, but this put a strain on our relationship. He wanted children and I didn't and we were going with what I wanted, despite my concede. He knew me. He would never make me do something I didn't truly want to do. So, we mourned again. I mourned the idea that I failed him and he mourned the idea of children.
I was hellbent on not seeing the face I ever saw again. I wanted to see that joy in him. I was willing to do the kid thing because he wanted it so bad. I was going to dive into this for him and figure it out on the way because I loved him and it would be all right. We got our happy ending we got time together in a safe world albeit at awful conditions but he wanted to settle. And I was going to do whatever I could.
So, for the next three months, I gained the courage to speak with the Doctor about when the best times were to conceive, how to prepare my body for this. I casually told her my body chemistry had fluctuated, which obviously she knew nothing about how to deal with, but we assumed that I was still fertile and if there was issue with conception, I could come back and get tested to identify certain issues.
To Steve, my physical affection came from nowhere. I made him a nice dinner when he came home, we made dessert together, and when we finished eating, I poured us each a glass of wine. I sat on his lap. I started to kiss on his neck.
"What's the occasion?" he mumbled.
I assured him there was none. I just wanted him. He agreed and we went at it, a few times, and the next days, a few more times. He was slightly worried about everytime I told him not to use a condom but after the third time of denying it he understood. He stopped, he pulled away from me, and he stared.
"But you said..."
"I want the full life with you," I told him. "I do. I've never thought about being a mom, I wasn't ready for the surprise, but I want it. I just needed time to think. I want this. Let's do this."
"Clara, this is what I wanted. Are you sure? It's all right, my love, really," said Steve.
I pulled him closer. "I want you. I promise."
Steve let a smile spread across his face. He fell over on me, our lips connected, giggling uncontrollably. We were going to try to extend our family.
Unfortunately, it didn't work. We tried continuously for six months. Nothing happened. We knew exactly why. The makeup of my body chemistry had never been entirely human, even more so when I accepted my previous fate as Agamotto. We also knew if it wasn't me, it was Steve's body chemistry. I didn't take into account that my history might have changed me forever. I couldn't give him children.
I felt awful. I didn't want to project my grief on him again and I assumed he was upset, so I left him be in most scenarios and I isolated myself. We spent much time apart. I hated where I was. I hated so much about the course of my life since we lost everybody. I wasn't good at the domestic thing, I couldn't give him kids, and when one bad situation happened, it sent me spiraling and thinking about everything else. I just wanted Sam. Steve was the only person I interacted with that was my family. I barely saw Natasha, Bruce, or Rhodey anymore. And I just wanted comfort that wasn't Steve, but I had nobody. I was alone in the world.
We only ever had dinner together and slept in the same bed. Our conversations were dry and short. We talked about very basic activities throughout our time together. When we were home together, we separated ourselves. I spent most of my time on the end of the dock reading. He spent his drawing on the patio.
I was sitting with my feet in the water one day when I heard the back door open. I turned my chin to my shoulder and saw Steve's figure coming from the door. I figured he would sit on the patio, as always. I turned back to the water. I felt the warm sun on my skin, I felt the breeze float against my skin.
I suddenly heard a pitter-patter of feet on the dock and turned fully, just in time to turn around and see a little white puppy barreling towards me. I caught her in my arms and rubbed her sides, giggling gleefully as she fought to lick my face. I looked at the tag hanging off her collar: happy two year anniversary.
Steve had made his way down to me in the time that the puppy was fighting to kiss me. He pressed a kiss to my head. He sat beside me and the puppy jumped from me to him and then stopped in the middle of both of us, debating which one to give kisses next.
"I thought it might be time to get another animal," he said casually. He smiled at me.
"You won't take this one into a fight?" I joked quietly.
Steve and I smiled sadly. He kissed my head and wrapped his arm around me. He promised he wouldn't.
We named our new puppy Kona, after the town we stayed in when we went to Hawaii. Kona became our hyperactive, white, German Shepherd, who was the most obedient dog. She loved both of us. She was consistently tailing either one of us. When we were both home, she didn't know how to act, or who to follow behind.
Steve always 'accidentally' dropped food from the table for her. I pretended not to notice. Most nights, she slept between us. She loved to jump in the lake without our consent and swim, knowing we were too lazy to jump in and retrieve her. She loved to run throughout the acre of land we owned and hunt without us. She would bring us critters and leave them on the grass for us. We coherently awarded us for loving us enough to hunt for us, but it was gross. We switched off on cleaning carcasses while the other pretended to love her 'present'.
I one time asked Steve if he was happy with where we are now.
He looked at me, confused as to where my question came from. "Are you?"
I rolled my eyes and insisted that I asked first.
"Well yeah I'm happy," he said quietly. "I have you. I'm doing something with my life with the therapy group. We have Kona."
"Okay," I said, resting my head on his shoulder.
"Are you?"
"I am. I'm all right," I said. I shrugged and decided to confide in him. "I don't know. I am, but I also feel like everything right now is just a distraction."
Steve stiffened. "What do you mean?"
"I married you so we could distract from us hurting, so we could find some happiness. We tried the baby thing for the same reason, and I let you down--"
"You didn't—"
I just looked at him. He stopped talking. I continued, "I help the UN to feel worth something. I train Kona, I play piano, I read, I garden. I come sit here. It's all a rotation. And I just am... I'm bored. I feel worthless. We used to be doing more, Steve, and now... I just feel stale. I feel stiff."
"We could get a couple more dogs," he suggested poorly. He shook his head and took his hand away from mine, brushing his fingers over his chin. "We can't do anything about it, Clara. I'm sorry."
"No, I know." I said. I suddenly felt awful for confiding in him in my deep truth. "I know."
"Am I enough for you?"
"Of course you are," I said, clenching my eyes. I shook my head. "God, thats not what I meant. It's not you at all. I always wanted you. I just never thought we'd do this. I never planned for this domestic thing the marriage thing the kid thing it's never been us and I love this with you. But it just has never been me and I liked it for a while but now I just.. Sometimes, I feel like I'm someone that needs to keep moving."
"So you were happiest when you were exploring the universe."
I turned to him, taken back by his word. It was clearly something that had been on his mind. "That doesn't mean I would've been better off not coming back."
"Clara, stop, just stop," he snapped. We both raised our eyebrows at his open frustration. Steve was always soft with me, quiet, and it was rare that I frustrated him. But he was tired of my attitude towards our life, that much was clear. "You need to do what helps you understand that this is our reality. You and I, Kona. This is our family now and we can't keep wishing things would go differently. I don't know when you're going to be ready to accept that and be satisfied with our family, but I am tired of having to be okay with your feelings on this when I've been ready to be with you and our family."
Steve left me behind on the dock once more. Kona noticed a shift in our dynamic and swam back to shore, climbing over the rocks to meet Steve. I heard him call her to his side for a bath, truly leaving me alone.
I dropped my head into my hands. I was incessantly feeling like I was never meant to be with Kona and Steve, at this house, on Earth. Or happy.