"Yes, I used to work for the Madam."
Resigned to the truth, Tawny stares into her drink, swirling the water around in it's glass. Luca still hasn't released the hilt of his weapon but Geoff appears perfectly at ease, slouching down low in his seat and practically dissolving into the cushions. Simon bounces his foot up and down nervously, his bespeckled gaze darting between Tawny and I.
"When was that?" I ask.
"When did I start working for her? Or when did I stop?" She tilts her head. "I started manufacturing at the Tower right out of school."
"And when did you stop?"
Tawny places her glass delicately on a side table. "I'm not exactly sure. It's hard to keep track when you live underground. How long would you say, Simon?"
"It was shortly after the Irrigator fell. Nine months." Simon states the fact as someone who has been counting the hours closely.
Nine months. I can hardly believe it's been that long. Nine months of waiting, plotting and preparing.
Nine months without him.
I shake the memories clear. "What happened?"
"It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I had a sudden change of heart over my employer. All I can say is that one day I was content sitting in my workshop, mucking about with some cables and the next I was questioning everything I knew." Her gaze slides to me. "My theory is that seeing thousands of slaves bursting out from under my home had something to do with it."
This causes me pause. "You didn't know that your Irrigator was run by slaves?"
"Are you kidding me? Of course not." The disgust is clear on her face. "If we had any idea that was going on, we would have revolted long ago."
"I find that hard to believe, since you were more than fine with your brethren being turned into her personal, mechanical army."
She reddens. "The Brutes had only begun turning up a couple months before the Runner invaded Babel."
"Perhaps, but people were disappearing for years before that, weren't they?" My voice rises a decibel. "Quite a lot to shrug off, when you're tucked away in your workshop."
"Whoa now, who does this girl think she is?" Geoff betrays the fact that he's been listening, now sitting upright and regarding me suspiciously. "Are you seriously fixing to come into our home and accuse us of something?"
"She is simply asking the questions any outsider would have." Luca materializes from the shadows near the fire. "And at a future date you would do well to answer them. For now, though what we want to know is how Tawny ended her relationship with the Madam."
He moves to sit near me as I lean back and cross my arms, taking the opportunity to rein in my emotions.
"So," Luca leans forward on his knees. His hands no longer linger near his blade, his sudden proximity being more than enough to convey the threat. "What happened?"
"I invented a new form of gunpowder." Tawny says, glancing at Simon. "The Madam was ecstatic about it."
"'Going to change the face of this war' is what I recall her saying." Simon nods, affirming Tawny's recollection. "The Madam immediately assigned the rest of us to developing weaponry that would accommodate Tawny's concoction."
"But I took off before they could get started, taking the schematics and a single keg of powder with me."
I swallow the urge to fire off another question, letting Luca's deadly dose of silence do the work of urging Tawny onwards, this time with a bit more haste.
"I was aiming to take out the labs." She says. "But my rig was discovered before I could reach them. I had to detonate early."
"She took out nearly the entire south wing of the Tower." Simon regards Tawny with unabashed admiration. "It was beautiful."
"It was too soon." Tawny corrects him sharply. "If I could have just made it a bit further, I could have ended those sick experiments for good."
I listen to the exchange with an increasing sense of dread, glad that Luca and I kept our infiltration of Babel's lab a secret from the others. The Tech's lair might be an abomination, but it is also Will's only hope. Whatever happens during this imminent attack on Babel, I have to keep the labs safe.
"You weren't caught?" Luca asks.
"I wouldn't be here if I were." Tawny replies grimly. "We knew full well that detonating the bomb meant that I'd have to go into hiding indefinitely. If I were caught, I'd be dead. Or worse."
"What could be worse?"
Simon's posh sitting room is filled with a distinct chill and heavy silence following Luca's question. Interestingly, it is the gruff, skeptical Geoff who finally grunts a response.
"Ah, Stretch. There are fates far, far worse." He nods slowly, glazed by memory and the drink. Taking a draught he gestures vaguely to Luca and I. "It's different for you two. When you die out there, outside the dome you're gone forever. There's nothing left to see, nothing left to feel. But when you die in here?" A visible shudder passes through both of us. "There is no end. You go on existing, maybe but there's nothing of life left behind."
The cold seeps through me, clasping my heart and squeezing it so suddenly that I nearly gasp aloud.
"She strips you of everything." Geoff's gravelly voice seems to ebb from the walls. "Everything you ever were, everything you ever loved. It's the Scorched who're the lucky ones, you see. They're wretched creatures but at least they're free to do as they please. The Brutes, on the other hand." He shakes his head. "Turning into one of them is like being sent into a literal, unending nightmare."
I fixate on the fire, fighting the whispers seeping through the haze.
Your actions didn't cause his death.
They caused something far, far worse.
"How can you you know this?" Luca asks, impatience turning his tone harsh. "If they cannot speak, how can you tell what they think or feel?"
Infuriatingly, the old Enforcer is in no hurry to get on with his story. He tilts his flask to his lips and shakes the last droplets free while Simon sputtors a meek protest over his newly-stained couch cushions. Being stuck watching such a mundane scene feels torturous while I battle the typhoon of anticipation and fear.
"We tried turning one back." Geoff continues. "This time last year. I was loosely acquainted with some bright-eyed idealists who got it into their heads that they could fix the poor bastards. They made off with stolen gear from the labs and started tampering around with it. When they approached me to help capture a specimen for their experiment I agreed, but on one condition. Say, you got any more of this?" He jiggles his flask meaningfully at Simon.
Luca's leg brushes against mine, subtly easing me back into my seat. I didn't notice that in my anticipation I was nearly hovering.
"What was the condition?" Luca presses.
He takes another long swig before answering. "That they experiment on the Brute of my choosing." Geoff's voice is thick. "Tabitha. My wife."
A log slips in the fireplace, dampening the flames. No one makes a move to fix it.
"They couldn't help her." He continues quietly. "They tried everything, every remedy, every surgery. Nothing made a bit of difference. She stayed awake but not awake. In pain but numb. In the end they resorted to taking her apart, piece by piece."
I am grateful for Luca's leg still pressed against mine, the only warmth in a dome seized by unabashed evil.
"I expected her to scream." Lost in the dark abyss of his drink, Geoff speaks to himself. "Fight, cry, do something, anything to show that she was still there. But there was nothing. Nothing and no one."
With surprising deftness he flicks the lid of the flask closed.
"So, to answer your question," The man's watery stare turns back to Luca, "Yes, there is an outcome worse than death. You're looking at it."
* * * * *
Several hours later I am in one of Simon's spare bedrooms, tossing and turning as I try to find a comfortable position atop the overstuffed mattress. The sounds of snoring drift through the wall above my head, mocking me with the reminder that sleep eludes me still.
"Do you wish to talk of it?" Luca asks softly.
I sigh and sit up, waiting for my sight to adjust to the darkness. Luca sits perched on a small bench near the window, still and quiet as the wastelands as he keeps watch.
"It's nothing, I'm just not tired." I thrust a hand through my tangled hair. "You should sleep, instead. I'll take first watch."
"I am not tired, either." He admits.
"There's too much to take in. These people are more unstable than I am."
"You are not unstable."
"Tell that to Dr. Rose.".
"You did not kill her."
"For all intents and purposes, I did." I rub my hands over my face, "It was my actions that forced your hand."
"You take too much blame. Some things are not your fault."
"Then who's to blame?"
"The world, for doing this to us."
I peer through my fingers, wondering over Luca's uncanny ability to appear simultaneously at ease and honed for action.
He rubs absently at one of the blue markings encircling his wrist, "If it wasn't such a harsh place, then we would not have to turn down these paths."
My own scars burn, scalding reminders of what my loved ones and I have been put through. Oppression, slavery, betrayal, famine and now, war. Under the crushing weight of Babel's dome, memories of goodness are nearly forgotten.
Nearly, but not quite.
"I would be lost without you, you know." I tell him.
Luca ceases his movements.
"You are what keeps me steady." I say, marvelling a little at the news. "I've never had that before. If it weren't for you, I think I would have lost my mind long ago."
A slight smile betrays him before he looks away. "You do not need to flatter me. I am already with you and I had no plans to leave."
"Good." My voice is muffled as I hug my knees to my chest. "In that case, I won't bother feeding your ego any further."
"I'd be lost without you, too."
We lapse into silence. My focus drifts from Luca to our next scheme within the airship hangar and back to Luca again. As they did before I gave up on trying to sleep, my thoughts eventually land within the torment that is Will.
"I am glad that Dr. Rose's death was quick and painless." The words taste bitter on my tongue. "Kind of Geoff to inform us that the Brutes are not so lucky."
"When we end the Madam, we will end that savagery." Luca says. "We could end it sooner, but you are reluctant to destroy the labs."
I dodge his accusation. "Sabotaging the airship hangar is the right move, now that we've killed the speaker system. First her means of communication, then her fleet, remember? We should stick to the plan, not deviate towards the wisdom of a pyromaniac."
"Plans are subject to change.That is what you told me when we learned of Tawny's talent." He reminds me. "I was surprised that you agreed to setting an explosive tonight. You would not have considered using such weaponry before we arrived back in Babel."
"They are two entirely different matters." I argue. "Destroying a mechanical system in a square emptied of people is in no way comparable to detonating an explosive below a major building. We are not going to destroy the labs."
"Tell me why."
"Because we may be able to use them for good." I blurt. Luca's brow furrows and so I press on, "What if we could turn them back?"
"Who? The Brutes?"
"Yes." I rod readily. "I know Geoff said it was impossible, but back then they were fooling with pieces of stolen equipment. Once this dome is in our possession we will have access to the entire laboratory. Every single item that they used to turn people into monsters is down there; it's our best chance of turning them back."
"A small chance."
"Any chance, no matter how small, is worth taking."
"Do you say that because you wish to save all the Brutes? Or one in particular?"
I freeze, uncertain if I heard him correctly until I glance up and catch his profile in the glow of the streetlamps.
He already knows.
My thrumming heart at once ceases to beat as the floor plummets and the darkness swallows me whole. When I finally remember to speak, I can't be sure that I'm uttering a sound. "Jaron told you."
"I wish to hear it from you."
I shut my eyes tight, speaking from beyond. "I think that there is a chance that Will is still alive."
I pray fervently for anger, or even disgust as I ease my eyes open, my chest wrenching painfully when I see neither on Luca's face. His expression is one of utter disbelief.
"Is this why you wage war?" A slight crack to his voice causes my chest to twist further. "For him?"
"I wish it was for him." There's no point in hiding anything anymore. "Or for our brothers, or for our survival or for any number of reasons. I don't fight for any one person or any one cause. I wage war for myself." I watch and wait for his reaction. "I want this victory. I want the Madam to see me coming for her."
He doesn't say anything, remaining rooted to his place before the window and staring stone-faced down at the floor. More confession threatens to spill from my mouth but I keep my lips clamped shut tight, the lingering guilt over Will forbidding me from saying more.
We listen to the Tower clock ring three hourly chimes before Luca finally speaks. "You should have told me that you were looking for him."
"I know."
"When I heard it from Jaron I accused him of lying. You know that my brother does not want me here, you must have figured that he would say something."
"I hoped that he wouldn't. Stupidly."
He buries his hands in his hair. "I have watched you deceive many people, Kay. I supported it, admired it even. Now, I just feel so...so foolish for not seeing that you would eventually do the same to me. That you would use me the way you used the others."
"What are you talking about?" I reel, the world turning on it's side. "Luca, I'm not using you. I didn't tell you about Will because I was worried that you wouldn't believe me. I didn't want you to think that I'd lost my mind for good." Fear hammers through me as I clutch the bedclothes, struggling to stay righted.
Luca pushes himself off the window, soundlessly traversing the short distance to the bed and back again, his actions reminiscent of a caged animal.
"I don't believe that." He says, reaching the window and gripping the ledge. "You know that I would catch you, no matter what height you fell from. This is not a matter of broken trust."
"I don't know what else to tell you." I say helplessly.
"There is a reason that you did not want me to know about Will."
"I don't know. I might have been..." Realization dawns slowly. "...scared."
"Scared? Scared of what?"
"That you wouldn't stay if you knew that I love him, too."
We both startle, staring at each other with identical looks of shock.
I find my voice first and forage ahead. "I'm sorry." I whisper. "You're right, I did lie to you."
The bedsheet is paltry armour against all that lies between us. I can tell by the shake of his shoulders that Luca is breathing shallowly, readying himself for what's to come.
I search his eyes, finding only black where there should be blue. "If you want to leave, I would understand."
My ears echo with the beat of my own heart as we watch one another, trapped.
"If I were to leave." He says finally, repeating my words with a tone I've never heard him use. "Except I cannot, can I? You have made sure of it."
"No, Luca—"
"You said it yourself," He speaks over me, "Your madness is kept at bay only so long as I am helping you. You may not have intended such things, Kay but you have made it impossible for me to leave."
Flinching at the sting, my throat constricts as his words find their mark.
"I will see us through this battle." He speaks forcefully, with only a trace amount of wavering. "But I cannot remain past it. As soon as this dome is finished, so am I."
It is all I can do to remain still, my strength drained as I drift in the place between everything and nothing.
Before I can formulate a response, Luca speaks, "I believe that I am tired, after all." He looks pointedly at the bed, refusing to meet my eye.
I feel myself aflame as I slip free of the sheets. Luca waits for me to pull on my trousers before sidling past without so much as brushing my shoulder. He lies down with back to me, fuming in terrifying silence as I pad over to the window.
Sinking down onto the floor, I press my back against the wall and share in Luca's hostile company.
He would leave if he could.
He's right, of course. About all of it. My tendency to cast my friends aside in favour of getting closer to the Madam, the way I use people in order to further my own agenda. The consequences of my lies and deceptions have finally begun to appear and wild, unflappable Luca has been dealt the first blow. Deep within my pit of self-loathing, my defenses lower and the whispers begin to creep forward.
But you got what you wanted. He is staying.
No, I never wanted it like this. I didn't want to hurt him.
It's better this way. Would you rather he go on loving you?
I blink something free of my eye. No, of course not.
Because everyone knows what happened to the last man fool enough to love you.
I knock my head back against the wall to silence the voices, wincing when it has little effect. Hissed reminders that the Madam picked Will in order to punish me fill my ears, crowding and clawing at my mind, making it impossible to piece together my fragmented thoughts.
If only I had kept him away, I could have kept him safe.
No matter, it will not happen again. In a few days time this dome will be a distant memory and Luca will be free to go wherever he pleases.
It's better this way.
Yes, it is.