"That one is Floki's, the other closest to it is Frit's and that one is Odd's." I pointed from one new star to the other, naming each one to Knut as we looked up at them together from Mab's old bed. My finger moved towards where the fourth star twinkled brightly. "The smallest one there is Magni's." I said softly, my smile faltering a little.
"And who does that one represent?" He asked, pointing to the last star in our constellation, that shone with a red light. The one I'd made for my fifth nameless, faceless future child. The fifth member of my brood.
I turned my head towards him and renewed my grin, the happiness, and love he conjured in me without any effort, pushing back down my endless grief. I turned onto my side and propped my head up on my arm so I could see him better in all his grandeur. "I don't know yet. I suppose we'll have to work on finding out...in a few years."
"No rush," Knut laughed.
I brushed my fingers through his hair, moving sweaty locks back behind his ears to lay against his pillow. "You're so pretty," I said, meaning it.
"I think this year apart has made you sentimental, Mouse, and possibly blind or mad, or both."
"Don't tease. I mean it." I swatted his chest playfully to make him hush. "You have pretty parts even if the whole of you is grotesque. You have surprisingly long eyelashes, for instance, and your hair looks silver sometimes when the light hits it just right."
"I think you like my hair almost as much as I like yours."
"I very much doubt that," I smirked devilishly. "I think I might cut it again. I liked it not being in my way."
He frowned at me. "Touch it and I'll divorce you."
"Why do you like it so much?" I asked. "Is it part of your human fetish?"
"It's part of my you fetish."
"I don't understand what you see in me, Knut. The other she-goblins are some of the most horrifying goblins there are. Fangs and talon-like claws, jaws that can snap through bone like they're nothing but dry twigs. I haven't seen a single one that looks even remotely like me, not even the ones you've made."
"Yes, well, your appearance isn't exactly the pinnacle of what goblins consider beautiful. Your lack of fangs and claws is less than pleasing."
"Are you saying I'm ugly?"
"You are hideously beautiful. Your rotten insides make up for it." He assured me. "You're so wonderfully arrogant about your beauty, always have been. You could be surrounded by the most beautiful of faerie women and still believe that you were their superior. Even when you were young and high born ladies glowered down their noses at you as you passed them in the streets, you would hold your head up high and think to yourself, "at least I have much better hair," even when it was dark with dirt and grime. It's adorable really."
"So it is what's on the inside that counts? Am I that hideous?"
"You have pretty parts even if the whole of you is grotesque." He snickered and gave a fake yelp when I slapped his chest a second time. Giggling, he rolled me over onto my back, switching places with me. "I've grown to love them over the course of our marriage." He kissed me once. "Your softness." He kissed me twice. "Your warmth." He kissed me thrice. "And of course that golden hair. Can't forget that." I looped my arms around his neck and drew him down for more kisses. I quickly lost count.
We spent a long while just kissing lazily and I was content to keep going until we both fell asleep. "Mouse, if I had not stolen your heart, what sort of man would you have wanted for a husband?" He interrupted us, pulling annoyingly away a little bit.
"Why are you asking that now?" I whimpered, bending my back in an effort to stay close.
"Trust me, girly, this'll be fun. Picture the man you daydreamed about in your mind. Describe him to me."
I frowned up at him. "Is this about Lysander, Knut?" I asked, tensing for his answer.
Knut's ears drooped a little. "Oh, Mouse, no, no, a thousand times no." He kissed away my frown. "I just thought it would be fun to wear a costume if you get my meaning. Like you and your red ribbon garters." He pet me along my hip and down my thigh to play with the ribbons still firmly keeping my stockings in place. The ribbons were the same shade, width, and fabric of the one that he'd tied around my wrist to seal our deal. "Don't think for a second that I failed to notice them. I know you chose them on purpose." He purred.
I had.
"Oh," I finally got what he was plotting.
"Describe the prince from your wildest fantasies, Lovely. Let me see how close I can get." He slipped from the bed and stood at its foot with his hands on his hips, posing.
This was completely absurd. I didn't want to play games. I just wanted him back in the bed with me right that very moment. "Tall." I began, sighing irritably.
"I think I've got that covered." He held his head up proudly.
I smirked at him. "Skinny as a rail. Mousy hair. One eye."
"Cute, but we all know you weren't daydreaming about my like as a maiden."
"How do you know I even had such lurid fantasies?" I asked twisting my body into a more pleasing pose with one stockinged leg peeking from beneath the blankets.
"Because you've never been particularly prudish." He said in a husky voice and a knowing look in his eye. "Now, play the game right, Empress."
"Fine." I sighed. I thought back to those early years after boys began to catch my eye and pictured the man my stupid, flustered mind had formulated. A man the exact opposite of the one I'd somehow found my way to. "Tall." I began again. He nodded, smiling as he lifted his head again. "Strong, wiry build. Not too bulky or thin." As I described the man in my head, Knut's body shifted into its likeness, filling out and growing muscle where there'd been little but bone before. "You look bizarre." I laughed at his tiny head on top of that larger body.
"Keep going." He urged me, giggling with me. "Anything else on my body you want to change while we're at it?"
I bit my lip. "No,"
"Minx," He growled. "Hurry up so I can rejoin you beneath those warm blankets. I want to peel those stockings off with my damn teeth."
I turned my eyes away to the fire burning in the hearth nearby, a rare feeling of shyness coming over me. This game of his was so silly, but also fun and admittedly a little thrilling. It always surprised me how easy it was to bare my desires to Knut, to let him know all those most secret, private things. Even when it was horribly embarrassing. "A-a strong jaw, full lips, tanned skin..maybe...gold hair and blue eyes..." As I finished describing the man of my dreams, I looked back towards Knut. In his place, stood the man I'd described nearly exactly. Beautiful but still so unnervingly human, as handsome a man as I would have found in my old world. And I felt not even the slightest stirring of desire. Only the usual anxiety I felt whenever I met eyes with another of my own kind.
"Did I get it right?" He asked, his own normal voice coming out foreign lips. I nodded mutely. He strode over to a mirror and examined his work. He barked out a surprised laugh the minute he saw his reflection. "Is it just me or does your dream lover look a lot like Oberon?" He snickered at me, his unique one showing through the mask.
I covered my face with my hands, sinking back into the pillows. "It was a long time ago. I wouldn't have even known what to do with a man back then."
"Your tastes have gone into an entirely different direction, haven't they?"
"The complete opposite direction," I said, lifting up the blankets for him. "Now come back to bed before I decide to cut the night short because you teased me too much."
He dove into the bed without undoing the spell. I tensed as those human hands touched my skin. When he leaned in to kiss me, I threw up my hands, clasping them over his lips.
"Are you okay?" He asked, his brows pinching with worry. "You haven't frozen up like that in a long time."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, "but I can't...go back to normal first."
"I'm sorry, Mouse," he said against my hands. "I just wanted to look prettier for you. I thought this would be fun for you."
"You're already pretty enough." I smiled. "I enjoyed our little game, but I don't want that man anymore. I want my husband. I just want you. Only you."
I felt him melt against me, his body shrinking back into its normal bony, monstrous self. His face changed back, his gold hair turned dark grey as it fell around my face and one eye hollowed out as the other went dark. "I really have ruined you."
"Irrevocably." I grinned, moving my hands to knot in his hair while he brushed his lips against my own and his fingers pulled the first red ribbon from around my stocking.
"Leif,"
"No,"
"Halldor?"
"God no,"
"How about Grier?"
"Why are you trying to think of names for our fifth born when I'm not pregnant and hopefully will not be for years? You said there was no rush."
"There's not, but we should have at least a few picked out."
"They name themselves, don't they?"
"Yes, but if we have a list, I can give them some ideas. I mean, you don't honestly think Fritjof came up with that on his own, do you?"
"If that is true, you are a monster for putting that name in the poor baby's head." I chuckled, tipping my wine glass against my lips and emptying it.
"Aaahhh," Knut sighed contentedly, sinking further into the steaming water of Mab's bathing pool. "This is delightful. We should add one onto the palace."
"It's nice, but I'll stick with my small tub. I'd rather keep the faerie influence to a minimum in my house. You can go to the public bathhouse with everyone else if it suits you." Mab's bath was simpler than even the slaves' bath in the Seelie palace. There were no statues and it was tiled with simple deep blue tiles the color of a twilight sky. The roof, like many of the main areas of her castle, was entirely made of glass to allow viewing of the stars overhead. The greatest source of pride to her people.
As different a place as it was to the baths in the palace, it reminded me too much of them.
I dipped my head once more into the deliciously hot and sweet smelling water, then began to lift myself up out of the pool.
"No, don't go yet," Knut whined, grabbing my ankle. "Stay in the pool with me a little longer."
"As fun as it's been to play newlyweds again, we've already been gone most of yesterday and all night. We need to start getting ready to head back. We still have a lot of work to do to make sure everything is ready for our march north."
"You're right," he groaned like a scolded child. "But this has been so much fun. I wish we could stay a little longer...like two weeks...or better yet, a month."
"It wouldn't be as romantic as this has been. We are not going to take a month-long vacation without the children. Besides, I doubt Ib would like us using his house as a summer home."
"Sure he would if I asked nicely enough. And we can bring a bunch of goblins and Ask and Cerise to keep the hooligans busy."
"We'll see. Now get out of the pool and put some clothes on." I ordered and began to pull on the breeches and men's shirt I'd brought with me to change into. I wanted to be ready to go back to work the minute I got home. I would be spending most of the next few days in The Hollow's arena, honing my skills and making sure my children and Cerise knew how to defend themselves. Mostly so I'd worry a little less.
"Yes, Empress." He said. He climbed out of the pool and shook himself off like a dog.
Truth be told, I was as enthusiastic to end our night away as he was. The time went by too quickly and what lay ahead for us was dark and unknown. I had my plan, I'd laid it out for all of the other factions working beneath us, but I doubted it would go as smoothly as I hoped. Nothing ever did. Something could go wrong. Some of us might not even make it back...or none of us. The unknown was a frightening thing. Moreso even than The End.
"I have a bit of a confession to make," Knut said softly while we dressed. He frowned down at the floor as he tucked his shirt into his breeches. "I feel bad about it, so I wanted to come clean, but you're probably going to kill me."
"What did you do?" I asked, accidentally using my motherly voice. "If you broke something, I will not be the one to tell Ib. You're on your own."
"No, it's nothing...like that...it's much...much worse." He was already cringing.
My face fell at the seriousness in his tone. "What is it?" What could he possibly have done to make him feel so guilty and afraid of my reaction?
"After the disaster on the winter solstice, I took one of the goblins' bodies and left Bough's Break." He swallowed hard. "I was gone for a long time. It was past midsummer by the time I returned to my own body."
"That time you were asleep..." I muttered softly.
"I never told anyone where I'd gone or what I was doing that whole time. Not even Ib." He turned his head towards me. He looked at me with his empty eye uncovered. "I went looking for Athane."
"You what?" The question shook out of my lungs. Dread settled at the base of my spine, tightening every muscle. My jaw clenched tight. "Are you insane?" I demanded angrily. "I wouldn't have gotten away from her if I hadn't given her your eye! Why would you go looking for that monster?!"
"I was desperate." He answered in a small voice. "I thought she could help me save you. I looked and looked for her, but I never found her. I suspect The Hollow called her away as it did The End."
"Well, it's a damn good thing it did! Athane doesn't do anything for free! What were you going to give her to get me back? The other eye?!"
He looked at me so, so sadly, heartbroken, just broken. I got a glimpse of what he'd felt in my absence, the shattered person my loss had made him into. It was a sight I never wanted to see again. "Yes, if that was what she asked for. She could name any price and I would've paid it."
"What if she asked for Odd or one of the others? Would you have paid that price too?" I regretted those words the minute I spoke them, but I was so unbelievably angry my mouth said everything that popped into my head. Even the most hurtful things.
He flinched. "Of course not," He gasped raggedly like he was in pain.
"That's what she would've asked for, Knut. The thing most precious to you."
"I wouldn't have given her one of our children, but I would have given her myself if it meant bringing you home to them. I would've gladly become part of her collection just to know you were safe."
"Do you think I would've wanted that?" I asked, fisting his shirt in my hands at his chest. "If I'd returned home and found out that's what you did, that that was what my freedom had cost," a sob burst from my lips. I shook my head at him, feeling tears prick at my eyes. "I wouldn't have survived that, Knut. I'm already broken, but that would've shattered everything that's left of me."
"Matilda, I'm sorry." He lifted his hands towards my face, eager to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
I let him go and stepped away out of the reach of his hands. "We're leaving. Now." I huffed and stormed from the room, my booted footsteps echoing loud enough in the castle's huge halls that I hoped it might cover the sound of my hideous wailing. All I could think of was Knut's body rotting inside one of those tiny jars Athane kept on her shelves and the unbearable devastation that would've struck me the minute I found out what he'd given for me. His disgusting, bitter, treacherous wife.
I sat in the carriage alone until he finally joined me. He tried to apologize to me again, but I ignored him, wanting nothing but silence for the rest of the ride home. He gave me what I wanted and we made the journey back home in complete deafening silence.
A crack like splitting wood exploded through The Hollow as Floki and Bran's practice swords connected. Floki rushed forward, swinging the sword in a furious frenzy, each blow, striking hard and forcing Bran back towards the sides of the arena. Finally, Bran moved to the side as Floki brought his weapon down again, dodging his strike and Floki stumbled, nearly tumbling head over heels when his sword struck nothing but empty air.
"Okay, that's enough. I need a break before my arm decides to take one for me." Bran panted, dancing backward to stay out of Floki's range. He shook his hands in reaction to the pain radiating through them. His fingers trembled badly after taking the force of Floki's hits repeatedly. "I said stop. How can someone so small be that scarily strong?" He said, wincing each time he flexed his fingers.
"Small?" Frit cackled as he sparred with Cat. "What part of him is small?"
"Shut up!" Floki growled at his twin. He struck poor Bran one more time and knocked him into the next kingdom.
"Pay attention!" Cat swatted Frit in the back of his legs and he tumbled forward in the dirt. Cat jumped forward with a downward strike towards Frit's back. Just as she came down, Frit rolled over and flung out his hand. A wind gusted from his fingertips, so strong it blew Cat back several feet. She managed to keep herself from crashing into The Hollow's inner walls by digging her sword down into the ground. "No fair! No using magic!"
"Llinos didn't say we couldn't, you old hag!" Frit pulled down one lower eyelid and stuck out his tongue at her.
"It's true. I didn't say he couldn't." Llinos chuckled, walking around the perimeter to watch each match from several angles.
"You better thank your lucky stars I don't have magic, you little creaton! I'd turn you into a toad and keep you as a pet!" Cat hissed at Frit.
"I'd pee on you and give you warts!"
"Play nice children." They all turned towards me at the sound of my voice. Knut and I settled onto a mushroom near the bottom of the arena, next to Ib, staying a healthy distance apart from each other.
"Frit, don't use your magic this go around. This match is about physical skill. You'll get to practice magic later." Knut ordered.
Frit's ears drooped a little. He frowned. "Yes, Papa." With a sigh, he returned to letting Cat pummel him.
"How was your date night?" Ib asked, shooting us a questioning look, no doubt noticing the distance between us and our lack of stupid grins.
"We're fighting," I grumbled, folding my arms over my chest. "Your castle was very nice though. I love what you've done with the place."
"My castle?" He glared Knut's way.
I cocked my eyebrow at Knut. "You didn't ask for his permission, did you?"
"Yes, I did, he just happened to be asleep at the time." Knut shrugged. "He nodded, so I assumed he heard me."
Ib lowered his face into his palms. "Just tell me what rooms I need to set fire to."
"Just Mab's old room," Knut admitted without a pause while I squirmed and my whole head turned bright red. "And the dining room...and the bath."
Ib gave a weary sigh of resignation. "I'll just assume the whole thing is tainted and burn it down."
Later that night, we finally got the boys to all sleep in their own beds and I slipped away back into the arena without saying much to Knut. Llinos was more than happy to spar with me and scold me for my footwork. "You've improved but you're still too sloppy, Missy." He said, knocking me to the ground for the fiftieth time. "The king's done something stupid to make you angry, but put it aside. Focus on what you're doing, where you're placing your feet. You must be careful about how you shift your weight. Every moment you're off balance is an opportunity for the enemy to knock you over just like that."
"I wish it were so easy," I muttered, dragging my tired body up out of the dirt.
"Get up. Dust yourself off and come at me again." Llinos walked around me, swinging his long needle-like sword around in a grand display, showing off like a prick.
I did as he commanded, brushing off the filth from my clothes as I breathed away my thoughts, burying them in the back of my mind. I readjusted my grip on my practice sword and firmly planted my feet. I lunged forward. He brought his sword up in the same instance. Again and again, our weapons clashed. Each blow rang out through the echoing vastness of the arena. He read each of my attacks easily and was able to match them, but I didn't give him an opportunity to knock my feet out from under me this time.
"Much better," Llinos smirked at me. His eyes darted upwards and he stepped to the side without warning, sending me stumbling forward as I brought my sword down for the next blow just like Bran had done Floki earlier. "My Lord," he greeted, bowing.
Knut strode towards us with his hands behind his back. He was still wearing the cape I'd given him even though he wasn't wearing his coat or vest anymore. "Sorry for the interruption."
"What do you want, Knut?" I growled, brushing the dirt from my breeches. "I'm still mad at you. I just want to focus on training right now. We can make up later."
"I don't want to make up later. I want to make up now." Knut said. Llinos stepped away from us and walked out of the arena without another word. Once he was gone, Knut stepped closer to me. "Will you please talk to me now?"
"I'm so...so angry with you." My voice cracked. I pressed my lips tight together to stop their trembling. "I don't think I've ever been this angry at you, at least not since what happened at The Upheaval. You've already died for me once, don't ever do it again. Do you understand me?" I asked him.
Knut lowered his head. "I can't promise that. You know I can't."
My frustration with him finally made me snap. "Damn it, Knut!" I roared, throwing my sword across the arena. "It doesn't matter if I die! You're the king! Not me! Our boys need you! I can't teach them how to be goblin kings!"
"So I'm supposed to stand back and let people hurt you?"
"Yes!" I shouted back at him. "Those boys need you more than me!" It hurt to see the pain in his face, to see the conflict brewing inside him, his love for me warring with his duty, his very purpose. I took deep breaths to calm myself and steady my voice. "Lysander's going to come after me. He and Titania both are going to want to see me dead. If something goes wrong, if you have to choose between saving me and returning to the children, promise me you'll pick them."
He went quiet, staring at me with that profoundly sad look on his face, that twisted his features and banished all the humanness from it.
"Promise me, Knut. Without you, they can't fulfill their purpose. You have to be the one that lives no matter what."
He closed the distance between us, taking me up in his arms before I could escape or protest. He held me tightly, burying his face into the bend of my shoulder. I heard him weeping, felt his chest heave and tremble with each cry. "I promise." He whimpered. My fingers clutched the soft velvet of the cape I'd bought for him and wept with him, helpless against the swelling fear and grief.
"I'm sorry I tried to find Athane." He said once we'd both calmed down. We sat together on a mushroom seat high above the arena, looking out over it and swinging our legs like small children in a too tall chair. "It was stupid, I know."
"It was, but I get why you did it. You love me a little too much, you know."
He smirked a little, wiping a stray tear from his eye. "So I've been warned. Are you still angry?"
"Yes, although maybe a little less than earlier. Yelling at you helped."
Knut reached into his cape and pulled out a small box. "Maybe this will bring me back into your good graces?"
I blinked at the box. "You're never going to let us be even with the gifts giving are you?"
"You've given me four sons and a niece, plus this fancy cape. I think you're well in the lead." He grinned with a soft chuckle as he held the box out in front of my face. "This is for both you and me. Go ahead, open it up."
I took the small box from him and lifted the lid. Inside laying on a cushion of dark velvet was a matching set of golden rings. Twin snakes winding around to bite their tails. They were beautifully crafted, I could even see the small details of their tiny fangs and scales individually molded into the gold. "Knut...these are beautiful." I breathed.
"Thank old Serafini for them. The man works like a goblin. May I?" He lifted the smaller of the rings from the box. I offered him my left hand and he slipped it onto my ring finger. It was a perfect fit. "There's a secret compartment too." He shifted the snake's head to the side, revealing a tiny bowl-shaped compartment. "I thought we could put a little of Magni's ashes inside them." He said, in a gentle soothing voice as if he were afraid I might bolt at his words. "When we spread his ashes, we'll have to return all of him to the soil, but until then, we can keep a little bit of him with us."
I swallowed the lump of sadness balling up in my throat. "Can I put yours on?" He gave me his hand and I slipped the wider band onto his ring finger. "I don't deserve you." I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed his ring. I held it against my cheek as I began to cry again. No more out of anger or grief, but out of love, because he loved me so unfathomably much and I had no clue why.
"No, Matilda, you deserve so much more." He moved his hand from my grip and lifted my chin. "As confident as you are in your looks and abilities, you're incredibly insecure when it comes to how others feel about you."
"I'm disgusting, Knut. Everything I do is vile. I kill and I torture and I hurt. Even you. I even hurt you." I tried to pull my face free, to turn it away. "I don't understand, how you can still love me after what I did."
"I don't give a shit about what happened with Lysander." He scolded me, cupping my face in his hands. I could feel the cold gold of his ring against my cheek. "Despite what you think, you are worthy of love. I wish you could see yourself from my point of view. You're brazen, smart and vicious, a queen to your core. I'm a king, but without a will, my people have no choice but to listen to me. You started out as a thief, and yet I've seen you command legions, not only of goblins but people from every race, and win the respect of generals that have lead armies for hundreds of years. It's inspiring!"
"They listen to me because they're afraid of me."
"I don't see that as a bad thing." Knut chuckled. "The old goblin kings never loved their wives. To them, their brides were little more than a tool, a surrogate by which to bring their heirs into the world. The Hollow never gave us a female counterpart." He flashed me a big, bright smile. "I was lucky enough to find her screaming in the middle of a London street." I reached up and laid my ringed hand over his. I couldn't help the smile spreading across my face nor the relieving joy swelling in my chest. He bent down to kiss me one more time before guiding me to our bed where we were swiftly surrounded by our sons.