Levi took Link's advice to heart. He took it in, remembered it, pondered over it. Link was right; Nico needed space to grieve, he needed his own time to come to terms with what he had caused. When he was ready, Nico could come to Levi. All Levi could do to help him now was give him the space he needed, despite the fact he wanted nothing more than to just tell Nico that it was okay.
Levi understood that he had been too pushy with trying to help. Perhaps he had been just a tad bit overbearing on Nico? Of course, he meant it all with good intentions, it just didn't quite come across that way. He never meant for it to come across like he was trying to make it about himself. That was the very last thing he wanted to do.
It hurt. It hurt when Nico had snapped at him. That was his way of telling Levi to back off, Levi understood that, but it still hurt and it still wasn't okay. Levi knew Nico better than that. When Levi truly thought about it, an apology wasn't what was important right now. What was important was helping Nico in any way he could. Levi knew that Nico would have to forgive himself for what he did before he could even think about anything else.
A week passed before they properly spoke again. It still wasn't any easier for Nico to think about Josh, nor was it easier to relive those memories every time he walked through the hospital doors. However, he was ready to talk. He just didn't know how. He didn't know how he could approach Levi, after almost two weeks of them not talking, and ask him for help.
Nico had never wanted Levi to see him like this. He had never wanted Levi to see him crumble and fall in the way he did. It was mortifying to him. Nico was meant to be the perfect guy; no faults, no flaws, no mistakes. Super confident, talented, strong, amazing. Then, Josh happened. Now, he didn't quite know who he was.
Failure had never been an option. It had been drilled into him from a young age from everyone around him that failure was not an option. That failure was bad. That mistakes did nothing but make you flawed.
Little did he know, mistakes and failure were the key steps to success.
A timid knock on the door snaps Nico back into reality, the door swinging open just two seconds later. A familiar face pops around the side of the door.
"Hey," It was Levi. Nico wants to smile at him, wants so desperately to rush up to him and wrap his arms around him. He can't bring himself to do that. "Link said you needed me for something," Levi squeezed through the gap in the door, keeping his back to the wall as he closed the door behind him. He waits for a moment, rocking on the balls of his feet before he speaks up again. "Said I'd find you here."
Nico knows they aren't exactly meant to be in here- regardless, he needs somewhere to talk to Levi where they aren't going to be interrupted. So, here it was, a quaint little conference room which was only ever used for meetings once or twice a year.
"Yeah. You're going to want to sit." Nico leans back in the chair he is perched in, using his hand to gesture to the many other chairs which Levi could take. Still, he takes the one closest to Nico.
Levi is cautious as he sits, the look on his face saying everything he wasn't. Worry, fear, concern. Levi thinks that he has done something wrong. He worries he is going to hear those words he is dreading. The words that make his stomach churn whenever he thinks about them coming from Nico. "Are we- Are you, okay?"
Nico pauses, takes a moment to really think. Then, he lets out a heavy sigh as he shakes his head, lips pressed together in a tight line. "No."
"Okay," Levi sighs out, slumping back in his seat, hands resting in his lap. "Do you want to talk about it? Are you ready to talk about it?"
Nico shakes his head, swallows down the lump forming in his throat. "I don't think I'll ever be ready to talk about it, in all honesty. I just- I know I can't keep dwelling on it. I know I need to talk to someone before it drives me insane."
Levi nods slowly as he listens to Nico, chewing on his bottom lip as he prepares himself for what is to come. He sits himself up in the seat, just a little, inhaling deeply.
"I'm here to listen and offer what advice I can. After you're done, we need to talk." Levi has a sternness about his tone as he speaks. The words taste bitter and Levi hates the feeling, though he knows it needs to happen. Nico hums in agreement, his fingers tapping against the table, an anxious habit he has picked up.
"I need to start this off with saying that I am sorry for what I said to you. It was wrong of me to do so. I have no excuse for what I did. I was hurting, but that gave me no excuse to hurt you, too," He stops, sucks in a sharp breath, composes himself. This isn't easy for him to admit. "I don't fail. I never have. I always saw it as something which could ruin me forever. Even when I was a kid, failure was not an option."
A surge of relief washes over Levi, as Nico was finally beginning to open up to him, though it must be difficult, as he can see how much Nico is struggling to keep it together. This was a side of Nico that Levi was yet to discover, and it sure as hell wasn't going to pretty, nor would it be easy.
The room falls into silence as Nico racks his brain for what he could say next. Levi doesn't rush him, doesn't prompt him to speak on. He lets Nico set his own pace. This wasn't about him. Nico continues to tap his fingers against the table, his foot now tapping against the ground also, breaking the silence. Levi shifts uncomfortably in his seat, finding it difficult to see Nico like this. So, he reaches out his hand, placing it over Nico's.
The simple gesture seems to be enough to let Nico know that it was okay, that he could take all day if he needs it. For what seems like the first time in years, a grin tugs at the corner of his lips. Levi squeezes Nico's hand, giving him that reassurance he so desperately needs.
"Failure wasn't an option," He reiterates, almost a broken whisper. Levi frowns, his thumb brushing over the back of Nico's hand absent-mindedly. Whether it was to comfort him or Nico, he couldn't quite tell. "So, when I messed up and... killed, Josh, it just brought me back. Then hearing two of the best surgeons at this hospital reprimand me for it- I felt humiliated. I wanted nothing more than to run and hide."
"Oh, Nico," Levi murmurs, finally getting an understanding as to why Nico reacted the way he did. It was all starting to make a bit more sense.
Nico huffs out a sad chuckle, shaking his head as he rubs his free hand over his face. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. This was not how today was supposed to go for him. He clears his throat, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck.
"I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't want you to see me as a failure. I could have just said that I need some time alone but instead, I snapped. I called you a failure- I called you a failure, which isn't the least bit true. I was just projecting how I felt onto you," Nico looks up at Levi, his eyes pleading for forgiveness. It broke Levi's heart to see him so stressed over this, over something that can be so easily fixed. "Then I said those other things-"
"Nico, I understand." Levi scoots his chair closer to Nico, taking hold of his other hand, holding them both firmly as he looks Nico dead in the eye.
Nico says nothing in response, just nods his head little and frantic. He bites down on his bottom lip, trying his absolute best to keep it together. Levi feels his hands shaking as he holds them, so again, he gives them a reassuring squeeze. It felt as if a weight was resting on his chest, keeping him from being able to breathe properly.
"What you went through was awful and it will probably never get any easier. You made a mistake, which ended up taking the life of a young man. It was a mistake, Nico. You're human, you will make mistakes. "
"Levi-"
"No, let me speak. You are an incredible surgeon, Nico, regardless of this one thing. Every doctor in this hospital has messed up and killed someone at some point. You are not alone, you will never be alone. There are so many people you can turn to for help, even me. I may not understand what you are going through right now but I will still listen and I will still be there when you need a shoulder to cry on," He almost rushes out his words, so Nico was unable to get a chance to interrupt him again.
Nico opens his mouth as if to say something, only to close it moments later. He dips his head low, his leg shaking as he takes a few steadying breaths. This was something Levi never thought he'd see. He never thought he would witness Nico in such a state of grief.
"One day, I will make a mistake that kills someone. It is inevitable. However, I know you'll be there for me, to pick me back up on my feet and dust me off. I tried to push you into speaking when you weren't ready, which only made it worse for you. I didn't know how to approach you and ask you how I could help. It was Link who eventually told me to give you space and back off," Levi almost seems to huff out a laugh as he mentions Link, remembering back to that day. It was in that moment Levi had realized the full-blown extent of the situation. Link's words had been harsh, but not in a rude way. They were truthful. "I'm sorry for trying to push you to speak when you weren't ready."
Nico eventually looks up at Levi again, eyes glassed over with tears. Levi feels as if he could cry too, but he knows he needs to keep it together, for Nico's sake. Sometimes, he loathes the fact he is so emotional.
"I know how difficult it is to speak up and ask for help. Getting help isn't something to be ashamed of, Nico. It is way better than bottling everything up and eventually exploding. It saves a whole lot of time and prevents a mess that may not be able to be cleaned up again. I forgive you for what you said, but it can't happen again, okay? Let me help you, Nico. Let me be there for you, let me go through this with you, let me be by your side when you're hurting."
Neither of them quite know what to say to one another, the two of them just sharing the silence. Nico inhales, holds it for a moment, then lets it out. His hands were still shaking, despite the fact Levi was gripping them firmly. Levi sees how Nico shifts in his chair, how he dips his head to hide away from him, how he shrinks in on himself.
Levi stands from his chair, the legs scraping against the floor. Nico doesn't move, doesn't react. He expects Levi to leave, to walk out and leave him there alone. He expects Levi to hate him, to think he is useless. In fact, it was the complete opposite.
Silence surrounds them as Levi whips around the room, Nico unaware of what he was doing. A couple of moments pass by before Levi places a gentle hand on Nico's back, which startles him slightly. He looks up, blinking back the tears in his eyes as Levi prompts him to stand before he leads him over to the small couch under the window of the room.
They both sit, Levi letting out a slight groan as he does. Nico sinks into the couch, letting himself slump down as a heavy sigh escapes him. Levi turns his head to look at Nico, his lips pressed together in a firm line as he stares at him.
The sound of subtle raindrops falling against the window just above them gave the room an atmosphere which was more than gloomy. Nico pulls one of his knees up to his chest, his foot resting on the edge of the couch, fingers tapping against his knee.
"Are you okay?" Levi asks, tucking his legs underneath him. He picks at the fabric of his scrubs, head tilted to the side as he watches Nico, studying him intently. There isn't much he can do for Nico and he knows that. He knows all he can do is wait for Nico to ask for help himself.
"No," Nico responds in almost a whisper, his gaze fixed in front of him. Levi nods once, glancing around the room, taking in everything around him. He turns his attention back to Nico, watches as he takes a grounding breath. A tear slipped down Nico's cheek, a harsh sniff sounding from him seconds after.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," Nico shakes his head, another few tears rolling down his cheeks. Levi reaches out, takes Nico's hand in between his own, his thumb grazing over the back of his hand. Nico blinks and glances down at their hands, lifting his chin a little as he tries to choke back the tears.
"Do you want me to go?" Levi expects Nico to tell him to leave, to tell him that he wants some time alone. After all, that is all he has been doing the past couple of days. Then, Nico brings his other knee up and shifts to the side, sighing deeply as he rests his head on Levi's shoulder.
Levi presses a kiss into Nico's hair, letting it linger for a little while. He keeps rubbing his thumb over the back of Nico's hand, the simple gesture just enough to keep Nico from fully breaking down.
"No," Nico finally responds. Levi notes the tone of his voice, how it sounds like he is about to cry, his voice rough.
"Okay. I'll stay."
Those words are enough to make Nico feel like he is going to be okay. The two of them stay together like that for a while, not saying a word to each other, their hands locked together tightly.
Levi doesn't leave Nico's side, not until he feels ready. It takes a little while before Nico begins to perk up again and the two of them can get back to work, putting this aside until they get home that night.