Jordan put down his pencil.
The arguing in the front room had been going on for almost an hour. Nika had fallen on Yddris like some kind of bird of prey when they returned from the inn, full of jabbing insults and sharp reprimands. Jordan had slipped away as Yddris stirred to defend himself, and neither of them seemed to notice him leave. He had shut his bedroom door, sat at the desk with his sketchbook, and promptly forgotten that the world outside existed. For the first time in hours he felt something more than numbness.
He looked down at what he had on the page. He had tried to recreate a few of the runes he had seen, but they weren't right; the feel of them as he traced their shapes was jarring and dissonant, not at all like the firm sense of rightness he had felt surrounded by the others. He had done a reasonable job of remembering what a thrall looked like. On the other page, he didn't remember drawing the Death consciously; he had begun scribbling, but the scribble had a glowing hole in the centre and the faint suggestion of a gaping mouth among the mists. Looking at it made him feel sick, so he got up, frowning at the ache in the base of his spine.
Perhaps it had been more than an hour.
A knock on the door drew his attention to the fact that the shouting had stopped. He paused but didn't answer, unable to tell from the shadow under the door who it was. He wasn't much inclined to see Yddris at all, and he didn't want Nika to baby him. When Koen pushed the door wide a moment later, all he felt was relief.
"Hi," he said. His voice croaked, throat still sore from crying. Behind Koen there was a squeak, and Ren skittered inside, running to him and scrambling up his clothes to sit on his shoulder. He reached up and stroked her, and the gentle rumble of her body calmed his pounding heart.
Koen shut the door behind him and sat on the end of the bed before he spoke.
"How are you doing?"
Jordan blinked. He didn't want to think about it again.
"It's hard, isn't it?" the other apprentice said softly. "I'd never seen anything like it before Hap showed me. The runework on our farm was really good and our parents kept us away from it, so I had as much of an idea as you."
"You have siblings?"
"Five of them," Koen said, snorting. "I know. It was just as bad as you're probably thinking it was. I wasn't the oldest, though. I think my parents might have gone spare if I had been, they needed someone to take over the farm after da smashed his legs."
"Jesus," Jordan said, joining Koen on the bed. Ren squeaked and jumped off, exchanging his shoulder for a hideout underneath his pillow.
"He was bringing a wagonload of wood back from the forest," Koen said, nodding. "A branch got wedged under the axle and he had to go under it to kick it out. Course, the wagon was old and the bottom fell out on his legs soon as the bugger came loose. My brother and I had to dig him out. His bones broke in too many places for him to walk like he used to, the physician said, so he can't do as much around the farm. My brother and his wife took it over a few months after I left."
"I thought you said you set it on fire."
"Oh, I did." Koen chuckled. "Yeah, I did. A demon came after my little sister while she was in the yard sulking about something or other, and I jumped in front of her. That's when it happened; it took the barn down and caught the house alight, too. I met Hap when he came to replace the runework on our buildings." He shrugged. "He was very good to us. He put my family up at an inn in the Reach and made sure my parents knew exactly what was happening to me so they wouldn't worry as much."
Jordan said nothing. He couldn't see Yddris doing that; Grace was more clueless than Jordan was, and Jordan knew almost nothing about the Gift except that he didn't want it.
"They still worried, though," Koen added after a minute. "Ma cried for hours."
"Does it get any easier?" Jordan asked.
"No."
Jordan looked at the floor.
"But you wouldn't want it to," the other man added, "Doesn't say much about your character if you don't feel anything in those situations."
"Yddris seemed..."
"Everyone deals with it differently," Koen said softly. "Yddris would probably rather die than let you see it. Hap doesn't let me see it, either, but..." he trailed off. "I know how much it affects him."
Jordan thought of the bottles of alcohol in the cellar and sighed. "He's an alcoholic instead."
"Is that an otherworld way of saying he drinks too much?" Koen said. "I like it. It's miserably catchy."
Jordan snorted before he could help himself.
"There's a nest of shadelings in the attic," Koen said after a minute. "I told Yddris I'd clear them out for him. Want to lend a hand?" He laughed as Ren poked her head out from under the pillow, ears erect. "She certainly does. I think Soli trained her as pest control, look, she knows the word shadeling."
Ren chirruped and bounded up the bed, choosing Jordan's head this time. He winced as her claws raked through his hair and reached up to pluck her off.
"You should keep busy during the day," Koen said, abruptly serious. "Trust me. It really starts messing with you if you don't fight back."
Reluctantly, Jordan nodded. Koen jumped up from the bed and waved him towards the door. Jordan left his room with caution, not wanting to bump into Yddris or Nika on the way to the stairs. He could sense them in the other room, and if he really strained his hearing he could make out that the argument hadn't stopped, but had just dropped in volume. He tiptoed through the hall and swung himself up the stairs using the banister, only relaxing when he clambered through the trapdoor and shut it behind them. Ren immediately wriggled out of his grip and set to the serious business of sniffing around the skirting board, before plopping herself down in the corner and falling still; all except for her tail, which twitched madly behind her.
"Well, she's found the nest for us," Koen said, scratching the back of his head. "That was fast."
Jordan grimaced. "Could you..." He pointed at the lamps above them. "It's dark in here."
"Oh, yeah," Koen said. "I forgot, sorry."
He sketched a rune in the air, and the two lamps nearest them flickered to life. Jordan didn't remember Yddris drawing runes in this way when he had come up here with Jordan, but he didn't press the point. Even the thought of coming back up here for Yddris to teach him made him feel ill.
He just wished Arlen wasn't the only lead he had on a way home, and even that one lead was dubious at best. He needed to talk to Grace, as soon as was possible; but not tonight. He didn't think he could recount any of it just yet without breaking down.
Something squeaked and skittered past him on the floor. He looked down in surprise, just as something very small and furry dashed around his feet. If it hadn't been for the tiny bandy legs sticking out of the fur, he might have mistaken it for a ball of dust in a draught.
"Is that a shadeling?" he asked Koen, as Ren shot past him in a blur of dark fur and skittering claws.
"Yeah," Koen said, joining Jordan. He was holding a cloth sack in one hand. "Don't be fooled, though, they eat anything made of wood and will happily destroy your furniture."
"Yddris doesn't have any furniture."
"No, but they're working really hard to bring his roof down." The apprentice pointed at the base of a rafter near their heads, and if Jordan squinted he could make out signs of persistent gnawing. "Our farm was always swarming with them. We could have done with a couple of shadow runners about, the cat was useless."
"You have cats here?"
"You sound surprised," Koen said, "Is that strange?"
"No," Jordan said, "But that's kinda the point. We have cats on earth. I just didn't expect...huh."
"For there to be overlap?"
He nodded.
"Some history books claim that earth people were one of the founding populations of Nictaven," Koen said. "Maybe there's something in that."
"Our history books don't say anything about Nictaven."
"Maybe it's linked to the fact that you hadn't the first idea that magic was real when you got here," Koen suggested. "It might have been handily edited out. I know House Orthan edits its history books for convenience."
Jordan pictured Lord Eril again, seated at the high table during the trial with a face like a crumpled tissue and a scowl etched into it, and could believe it.
"Does it mention other worlds?" Jordan asked. "Lord Harkenn mentioned there were more."
"Canscia crops up a lot," Koen said. "It's supposedly populated by overgrown, intelligent demons who live like barbarians, but that could just be a myth."
Jordan shuddered. "I hope it is."
"Some say that some portals open into the afterlife," Koen continued, "But that's mostly in the holy books and nobody's ever found solid evidence."
Ren skittered past them in the other direction, chasing more bandy-legged balls of fluff across the floor. Jordan hadn't realised there were so many holes in the skirting boards until the tiny creatures disappeared down them, leaving his shadow runner snapping at air and growling in frustration. Koen crossed the room, still trailing the cloth sack behind him, and knelt beside one of the holes, beckoning Jordan over. Jordan crouched beside him, peering into the darkness behind the boards, but couldn't see what Koen was suddenly so gleeful about.
"Watch," Koen said, poking his finger down the hole. There was a flash of green, and then the attic was a flurry of movement as shadelings poured from the other holes, dozens of them. Ren went wild, chasing one and then another, yipping and snorting, and Jordan watched the sea of fur swarm over the floor in a comically bumbling fashion. A crack behind him drew his attention, and he found Koen pulling the skirting board loose to get at the nest inside, piling the shreds of cloth and chewed wood pellets into his bag and shaking with mirth.
"Doesn't hurt them," he said, raising his voice over the squeaking and skittering. "It just gives them a bit of a scare so they flush. It's bloody brilliant, look at them all."
For the first time in a while, Jordan felt himself grin.
Koen was still periodically chuckling when Nika called them down for dinner, and though Jordan had sobered quickly, his mood had improved somewhat, and he began to feel the first glimmers of something akin to pride at helping those people, instead of pissing himself or running away like he'd so badly wanted to. It wasn't much by way of a silver lining, but it was something.
"Kiel's teeth, Yddris," Koen said as they reached the front room, "That wasn't a nest, that was a dark-damned kingdom."
Jordan's tutor had tucked himself into a corner near the window, smoking his pipe as usual, though it smelled like he had had alcohol out at some point. Nika was preparing dinner in the stiff manner which suggested that the argument had only recently ended.
"Don't have time for pest control," Yddris grunted.
"You're telling me," Koen said. "You're lucky your roof hasn't fallen in yet."
"How are you feeling, Jordan?" Nika asked, probably sharper than intended, as he ladled broth into a bowl and handed it to him. Jordan's stomach growled at the smell.
"Hungry," he replied, knowing what Nika was getting at and fervently wishing to avoid planting himself in the fight, "and tired."
"Take extra bread if you want it," Nika said, and then added, "And I'd like a word with you in a minute, if that's alright."
Jordan's stomach knotted with dread as he nodded. He felt Yddris's eyes on him across the room and avoided them, sitting next to Koen on the floor. He'd barely got two mouthfuls down before Yddris got up with a sigh.
"You're not leaving." Nika's voice cracked through the silence. Koen jumped beside him, and Jordan almost slopped soup down his front in surprise. "We're not finished here."
"I've been away for too long. Harkenn'll...."
"Harkenn will wait. You've made him wait long enough already. You dug your grave, Yddris, now lie in it."
To Jordan's surprise, Yddris didn't press the point. He sank back into his previous seat with an air of resignation, digging his pipe back out to continue smoking. The whole scene carried an air of having happened many times before, and Jordan vaguely wondered what it had been like in this house when Yddris was teaching Nika. He couldn't imagine himself cowing the Unspoken the way Nika did, and hadn't seen anyone else do it, either. Not even Harkenn had produced that kind of obedience. If anything it should have made him more nervous around Nika, but all he felt was a vague admiration for him.
"Jordan."
The admiration dissipated somewhat when that cold voice was turned on him. He got up, clutching his bowl to his chest, and followed Nika into the hall. The Unspoken stood aside to let Jordan into his bedroom first, and then gently closed the door behind them.
"He's not listening now," he said, all the chill gone from his tone in an instant, "Are you alright, Jordan? Be honest with me, please."
"Of course I'm not," Jordan muttered, sitting on the bed and scarfing down more soup. "It was awful."
"He shouldn't have taken you there."
Jordan glanced up. "I thought that was the idea. I had to see it at some point."
He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his tone. His eyes itched anew with tiredness after his long night at the inn sitting alone in the dark, unable to sleep.
"Yes, but not this early on," Nika said. "Especially not when you didn't grow up here. If you had I wouldn't be so angry. I just don't know what he was thinking."
Jordan just shrugged. He wasn't sure what Nika was expecting to do about it now.
"I've contemplated writing to the guild about it."
"What for?"
"In some instances, students can be transferred to another tutor if they're deemed to be a bad match."
"No," Jordan said quickly. "No, don't do that. I'll deal with it, honestly." He swallowed, but his food seemed to stick in his throat. "And anyway, if Yddris doesn't teach me, Harkenn might cancel the contract and kill my sister."
Nika inhaled as if he planned to say something then, but all that came out was a long sigh. "Of course. You're right, Jordan, I'm sorry to have brought it up. He just makes me so angry sometimes."
"When we first met," Jordan said. "He told me he'd think I was cracked if I didn't hate him."
He wasn't sure what made him say it, and he almost instantly regretted it as the atmosphere dropped in tone. Nika was staring at him, he could feel it. The voice that came out of him was so soft Jordan almost missed it.
"He did?"
"Yeah."
A pause, and then, "I see. Well." Nika hesitated again. "I see."
Jordan felt instantly guilty. In an attempt to lighten the mood again, he added, "It came up after I stared at a man pissing in the street and he asked me if it made me want to look."
"Why were you staring?"
Jordan's cheeks prickled with heat. "Don't you start."
Nika laughed, and a smile tugged at the edges of Jordan's mouth.
"In all seriousness, Jordan," Nika said, even though he was still on the verge of laughter, "if he takes it too far, you can tell him. He'll appreciate you fighting back a bit. You might lose the case, mind, but he doesn't have much time for students who let themselves get walked over."
"I didn't let him..."
"I know," Nika interrupted. "I know you didn't, Jordan, the fault was entirely his this time, but I'm just telling you that he values it. So stand up for yourself if you have to, okay? I know you can. He doesn't take on students he doesn't think can do that."
Jordan attempted to brush off the comments, but it had stuck like a warm knot in his chest, gently glowing.
"I should've guessed," he said, trying not to smile, "You really have him by the short and curlies, huh?"
He couldn't help snorting as Nika fidgeted and cleared his throat. "Go and finish your dinner, then. Remember what I said."
He felt Yddris's eyes on him again as he entered, but it didn't bother him as much this time. He felt dimly resentful of the Unspoken for forcing him into that situation and to see those awful things, but somehow Nika's words had reframed the experience. Yddris wouldn't have taken him if he didn't believe he could handle it. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had told him so.
If he could get through this, he could do right by Grace.
"You're looking happier," Koen said.
"And you stole some of my bread," Jordan said, staring at his depleted bowl. "You sod."
"You left it unguarded," Koen replied with a shrug, "Why am I responsible for what happens to it?"
Jordan shook his head with a snort and sat down. He thought of home, of how it might feel to get himself and Grace back, how he might finally have achieved something and seen things worth his pride, how it didn't seem as distant a dream anymore, and grinned.