Christmas passed quickly and with little drama. I spent Christmas day in the same way as I had every year following my parents' divorce: at home with my Mum and her parents, exchanging presents, watching a bit too much television and eating way too much food. As per tradition, boxing day belonged to my Dad and his parents, and consisted of much the same as the previous day.
Throughout it all, I had fleeting thoughts about Carter, texting him every now and then to check up on him. But finally I was able to appreciate the time and space away from him.
So, when my Mum mentioned on the morning of the 27th that we'd been invited to Jenny's for coffee that afternoon, I grinned. The invitation itself was nothing unusual - Mum and I had spent countless hours at Jenny's house - but the other guests who would be there were.
"I'll take that as a yes then?" Mum said, clearly amused by my enthusiasm.
"When have I said no to coffee?" I replied. She laughed, both of us well aware that the coffee on offer was not what had piqued my interest.
Adam answered the door at Jenny's house, smiling directly at me. I flashed him a smile back, enjoying the mild butterflies in my stomach that came with small beginnings like this.
"We're just in the lounge," he said as he lead us through the house.
He looked essentially the same as when I met him: dark hair combed back, a plain grey button down shirt. Sure, he didn't make me feel like I'd forgotten how to breath when I looked at him like with Carter, but I felt comfortable around him, which was what I wanted.
"How was your Christmas, girls?" Jenny asked once we were settled on the sofa, cups of coffee in hand.
"It was lovely, thanks, Jen," Mum answered, then launched into a conversation with Sarah and Paul which I didn't feel a part of.
Turning to Adam, who was on an armchair just across from me, I figured that I should start working towards the rebound I was after. "Did you get up to much for Christmas?"
He shrugged. He was a little awkward, like he wasn't quite at ease in his own body, but it was endearing. "Not much. It was just the four of us here."
I was racking my brain for something to ask, realising that maybe conversation wouldn't flow with Adam like it did with Carter, when I heard my name in the adjacent conversation.
"What's that you're saying about me?"
Mum smiled over at me. "We were just talking about New Year's plans; Sarah says that Adam's not doing anything and I said that you don't have any plans either."
Way to be subtle, Mum. Although, in her defence, it was helpful; ten minutes later I'd somehow got plans to go to Adam's cousin's party for New Year's Eve.
***
My entire first year at university in London had not been enough for me to become the kind of person who enjoys house parties. This, I learned within the first half an hour of Adam's cousin's party. Every room was bustling with people; before we arrived I'd wondered if I would be out of place as someone totally unknown to the host and barely even known by Adam, but clearly the party wasn't very exclusive. I sipped a vodka and lemonade, though I was careful to not let myself get tipsy. After getting embarrassingly drunk with Carter, I didn't fancy letting loose like that again in front of a load of strangers, especially without the safety of Carter there to look after me.
Adam didn't seem to be much of a party person, either, though he did at least know a few of the other people there. He informed me on the way there that he didn't drink, so it became pretty clear that neither of us had a wild night of partying ahead of us.
"So, how are you finding Durham?" I asked.
We were stood in the corner of the kitchen, next to a couple of guys making out. In a way, I felt like I should follow their lead, but I knew that just wasn't me. Instead, I decided we'd just have to make some conversation.
Adam shrugged. "It's pretty good. I really like my course."
I nodded along, not sure what I could ask him about maths, which I'd avoided since I was sixteen and it was no longer compulsory. I mentally thanked the roadworks which had caused us to arrive pretty late, so there wasn't too long until midnight. "Yeah, that's really important."
"How's Yale?" Adam asked, looking at me intently.
"It's awesome," I answered, smiling. I loved that I could say that honestly. "My course is perfect for me and I've met some great people."
Adam frowned, then leaned in towards me. For a bewildering moment I thought he was going to kiss me and suddenly had no idea whether to kiss him back, until he said in my ear, "Sorry, I can't hear you well with this music. Do you want to go outside?"
It was freezing outside, making my breath fog up in silvery clouds in front of my face. My jacket was useless protection against the bitter cold. Next to a set of wooden garden furniture was a heater, glowing orange against the dark night. We sat side by side, both shivering a little, but at least the music was muted from here.
"What were you saying about Yale?"
"Oh, just that it's really good," I reiterated. "I'm definitely glad I chose to do a year abroad."
"When do you go back?" Adam's eyes, which were a shade of brown so dark that they could be mistaken for black, were fixed on mine. Was he interested in me? Was I interested in him?
"January 7th."
Adam nodded as the conversation ground to a halt. I had a sudden, overwhelming thought: I miss Carter. But he wasn't the focus tonight, so I forced myself not to dwell on it.
We made quiet, casual conversation for a little while longer, before the noise level coming from the house began to drastically increase. It was almost midnight.
Adam looked across at me. "I guess we should go back in."
"I guess we should."
When he stood up, he offered a hand out to help me up. I didn't need it; I wasn't wearing heels and I'd barely touched my drink, but the gesture made me smile. Maybe this was what I needed: someone steady and calm, someone that could fit in with my meticulously planned life, not collide with it.
Inside, it was even more cramped than before, as everyone tried to get a view of the television which was showing the classic New Years shot of Big Ben and the London Eye. Adam and I found a space in the corner, although it meant sacrificing any view of the screen. Soon enough, a countdown began in the room, loud and messy and slightly out of sync.
Unable to resist, I joined in. Five, four, three, two, one!
The small crowd erupted in cheers of celebration, the words "happy new year" echoing all round the room. I watched as people began kissing, some tender and loving, some drunk, some desperate.
Adam caught my eye. "Happy new year."
"Happy new year, Adam," I said.
Then, figuring that if he wouldn't then I'd have to, I leaned over and kissed him. He kissed me back and gradually our mouths opened, tongues brushing, his hands on my face, and I felt... nothing.
It was as though something inside of me was switched off. There was nothing wrong with Adam, or his kissing ability, it was like part of me knew, deep down, that this was not the person I wanted to be bringing in the new year with. In the last few months, I'd shared so many kisses with Carter that it was like my body had just become tuned into his and anyone else's lips just felt wrong.
As we separated, a tangle of emotions rose inside me. It was disappointing, a little depressing even, to realise that my ideas of closure and moving on were a lot further away than I thought. But also, the flicker of something somehow comforting despite everything: love.
I knew it was anti-social, but I couldn't help but get my phone out of my pocket the moment someone Adam knew approached. The message I quickly typed out to Carter was simple: happy new year.
To my surprise, his reply was almost instant. Even though it was still early in the night for him, I'd expected him to be busy celebrating already. Instead, his words flashed up on my screen.
Wow, we're living in two different years right now. How's 2019?
I smiled down at my phone, oblivious to how dorky I must have looked. Adam had left my side, presumably talking to the other guests he knew.
Could be better, so far. But I have a feeling it's going to be pretty great.
There was a longer wait, this time, for his response, but the moment I read it I felt my heart skip a beat.
Just save a new year's kiss for me please.
***
Although Adam and I had exchanged numbers before the new year's eve party, I'd forgotten about it until three days later, when he texted me during a long, lazy day. It took me by surprise; by now, I'd come to expect any notifications to be from Carter, or the group chat with Alice and Maya. So, when I saw Adam's name on my screen, I sat up on the sofa.
Hi Sydney, do you fancy hanging out at all before we go back to uni?
Reading it, I cringed. There was nothing wrong with him, or his suggestion, but I had absolutely no intention of seeing him again. Our new year's kiss had just proven to me that there was nothing between us - or, most likely, any other boy who wasn't Carter - and I couldn't muster much enthusiasm in persevering with any kind of relationship that had a deadline approaching in only four days. So I sent back an awkward apology/excuse about being busy with preparations for next semester.
Once again, the plan had to change. A rebound, clearly, wasn't for me. For the foreseeable future it was simply Carter or nobody, and unless he had a sudden change of heart, it seemed like it was going to be nobody for a while. And no matter how much the idea made my heart ache, I knew that would be okay. Because it had to be.