I painted the smile on my face. I was good at faking, I was good at lying. I ignored Tobias when he tried to grab my hand and pull me into his arms. I looked at him with the tears still slowly rolling down my cheeks.
"I didn't- "He began looking at me playing with his fingers.
The thing is, I knew he didn't mean it that way. The voice inside my head was already started to doubt if my feelings were ever going to be valid to him. I was so broken. It wasn't worth trying to fix. I was not worth breaking the already broken boy some more. We both came from sob stories of our lives. It was unfair but that was life for you.
'it's fine.' I signed back to Tobias before walking out of the guest room and wiping my eyes with my sleeves.
The soft stitching of my hoodie. I brushed the fabric against my face and wiped my eyes gently. I didn't want my eyes to look red and blotchy, much like they already were. I wanted to look like I had my life together. That as a good joke though. It made me smile and laugh a little. If I ever get my life together that would be the day.
Tobias walked out of the room in all black. I looked at him and gave him a soft but pained smile. It hurt hearing him say other girls had watched up undress. I mean I knew it my head that it would happen. I would learn things that hurt me, not just because of my past, but because I didn't know the boy I started to like. I liked Tobias, I thought he was nice and sweet. He was kind of like candy though. You had to unwrap him a little at a time and it was hard because he stuck to the paper.
We walked down the staircase side by side. I looked around the house, it was beautiful. I felt like I was always noticing something new about the house. Like how the banister to the staircase had a wood finish, but the rods that were in the stairs were black metal. It really blended together well. Just like how the cabinets in the kitchen were pure white while the top was jet black marble, but it had sparkles that seemed to make it look partially white.
'You can sit there.' I signed to Tobias, giving him my seat for dinner.
I went and pulled up another chair sitting on the other side of the table by Zack. Zack looked at me before waving goodbye. He had a date out with his wife. I bet he doesn't get to see her often. He seemed to always be around Brendon and Sarah. When I first was adopted I thought he was my dad. It was weird thinking of Zack now as anything less than Brendon's bodyguard and friend. I looked at the food in front of me and picked at my plate.
"You don't like it?" Sarah said out loud. I figured it was aimed at me.
'No, it's fine. I am just not hungry.' I signed sighing a little. I was not hungry after hearing my heart shatter in my chest.
"No, it's a lovely meal, Mrs. Urie. I am just a tad hungry not overly for this whole meal. But, if you'd like to save some I'd gladly take it back with me and eat it for lunch. I will even be allowed to send you a thank you note." Tobias said turning on the charm and getting Sarah to smile.
"I can see if I can find a bowl or something to send it in," Sarah said finishing up her meal.
Brendon sat at the other end quietly watching me as I continued to pick at my food. He knew something was wrong. I could feel him trying to figure out what was wrong with me. There was a lot wrong with me. Just try to control one thing at a time.
"Logan?" Brendon spoke up finally.
My head shot up from looking down at my food to look him in the eyes. He looked like he hadn't gotten a proper night's sleep in a few nights. I did that, I worried them.
"Do you feel okay?" He asked so generously it made my heart constrict in my chest.
'Yeah.' I lied again.
I felt sick to my stomach as if I ate, I may throw up. Tobias words kept haunting my mind. I heard them repeated over and over again. 'Not always...' I wondered what it was like for him. Who he had lost his virginity too? How old was he? Did he enjoy it?
'Can I be excused?' I asked pushing my plate in the middle of the table getting a few looks from Brendon and Sarah
"No." Tobias finally spoke before my parents.
'excuse you.' I signed before starting to walk out of the dining room only to be pulled back to my seat by Tobias.
Brendon watches us with steady eyes. Sarah coughed into her hand looking at Brendon as if to say 'please do something.'
"I refuse to let you starve yourself. I refuse to have you force me to watch this. I am sorry okay." Tobias said taking my hand and picking up the fork, placing it in my hand. He drew my plate back and stabbed it into my green beans.
"I refused to watch you do this," Tobias whispered in my ear before pulling my hand toward my mouth.
I opened my mouth trying to guide the fork into my mouth by myself but his grip made it impossible at the speed I'd prefer to feed myself at. Sarah coughed again at Brendon who just sat there watching.
"Tobias please let her go." He finally stated.
Tobias let go and took his spot across the table from me again. He watched me as I finished eating my food. All but the green beans. Once finished with my food I walked back toward the staircase to go upstairs. Tobias stayed downstairs with Brendon for a while talking. I went ahead and went up to my room throwing myself on my bed.
How could I be so stupid to think I could ever be with someone like Tobias. Someone who was getting their life together. Someone who had people who care about him his whole life to help him. I would kill to be in that position to have the support he probably has had his whole life. I just don't understand what would make him throw it all away, the way that he did. A knock at my door threw me for a loop.
"Hey can I come in?" Tobias said opening the door before I rolled my eyes and gave a half smile.
"I am sorry Log, I truly mean it. I didn't mean it to sound like in my past life I got laid often. My past isn't the best. I fucked up a lot, I understand if you ask my dad for a new buddy for this stupid buddy project. I just don't want you to hate me over a stupid comment I made. My past self is still deeply encoded in my being." Tobias rambled.
I looked at him like he had two heads.
"What is with you and that god damned look?" He grumbled before squatting down in front of me to look me in the eyes.
Our eyes connected and for a split second, everything felt natural. I felt like this is where I was always meant to be. It made sense, I understood his past. I saw that broken scared little boy from his past. I also saw myself. I saw all the times I had been beaten and sexually assaulted. I saw our lives together. Everything made sense. I was clingy to the hope Tobias could fix me. When I had to fix me.
"I will be there to help you." He said.
It was as if he could read my mind. That is when he got closer to me never dropping our direct eye contact. His green eyes made me feel like I was running in a forest. My head raced looking into them and my mind got lost. His words stopped ringing in my head. He kept moving closer until I could feel his breath on my lips.
"I won't let anyone hurt you." He said gentle looking in my eyes for any kind of permission.
It was one kiss right. Something to convince me it was nothing. I looked at him staring into those now deep green eyes full of seriousness. Giving him the acceptance to lean in the rest of the way and press our lips together.
Just the way his breathing hitched in his throat right before we kissed and how it was released through his nose as we did kiss. I felt his eyelashes brush mine as I closed mine. His hand began to travel up to my face and neck as we kissed. His lips were chapped but molded perfectly against mine. With his lips on mine, I let my past world go.