A/N: CHAPTER WARNINGS: suicide is discussed in this chapter so if that is a trigger topic or makes you uncomfortable you can skip this chapter. it mostly is about the funeral and there is one scene with daisy and tyler in the end but its not really important.
im not a professional but i wanted to say that if you're ever struggling with these things, please talk to someone about it. seek help because there is nothing wrong with needing help! and remember, you are not alone <3
as always, thank you for reading and I hope you like it!
Chapter 14: loving you had consequences
"funerals, I had decided, are for the living." - John Green
April 13th
My great grandma always told me that when she passed away, she didn't want a funeral. They're for the living, she told me, not the dead. It was a weird thing to tell a 14-year-old but it makes sense I guess, because sitting in a room full of people who I haven't seen in years feels more like some sick family reunion.
We're at the viewing. I'm sitting in a corner with Axel as far away from the casket as we can get because neither of us is ready for that. It's upsetting the dirty looks people are sending Axel and most of them are my dads side of the family and from his friends. It was a widely known fact that Axel made a mistake that cost him his chance at a hockey career but I do know that our dad blew it way out of proportion.
"I just wanna get out of here." Axel mummers, glaring at a cousin who's been looking at him with disdain most of the afternoon.
"I know." I say, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it. Jaxon catches my eyes and I watch as he shakes hands with someone before making his way towards us. Lauren trails behind him looking very uncomfortable. I force a smile and pat the seat next to me and she sits looking grateful.
Lauren and I have our differences but we have a mutual agreement to put them behind us because of what is happening.
"How are you guys?" Jax asks but I know he's asking Axel more than me. Jax and I had a long conversation about this when I landed in Montreal and how we are dealing with it.
Whatever the reason, before dad died he changed his Will, stating that he wanted to be buried wherever my mom was planning to and that was a small cemetery in Sainte-Agathe-des-Monts.
He left notes for all of us but I haven't found the courage to read mine and I'm not sure I ever will.
Axel shrugs. "I'm tired of everybody staring at me." he frowns and a wave of guilt crosses his face. "I know that's selfish considering the circumstances."
"Hey, don't worry about it." Jax says. His eyes flit to Lauren before looking back at us. "Did you guys read your letters?" He asks quietly.
Axel and I share a look, shaking our heads.
"No." I say and Jax looks relieved.
"I thought I was the only one. Mom read hers. She was really upset afterwards but wouldn't say what he wrote in the letter." He shrugs. "Guess I can't blame her. I just hope he didn't say anything mean."
Lauren clears her throat gently and we all look at her.
"If you don't mind me saying something..." she glances at Jax who nods.
"My brother took his own life when I was twelve. He left a note that my parents allowed me to read a few years later. Most of it was him making peace with people who he had a bad relationship with." She tries to give us a gentle smile. "Hopefully that is what your father did too."
I consider her words, hoping that it's true. I won't know unless I read mine but I don't know if I'm ready.
Our conversation halts when I see Jo step in the room. Eyes immediately go to him and it angers me that people will make a big deal about him being here in such a sensitive situation.
He ignores them all though, seeking out my mom and chatting with her quietly. I watch their exchange until she points to where we are all seated. He gives her a hug before walking over to us.
"Hey guys," he says, leaning down to hug me before shaking hands with Jax, Axel and Lauren. I can tell she is intrigued why he is here but doesn't comment.
He catches my eye and nods towards the doorway so I stand up quickly.
"We'll be back in a few minutes." I look at Axel, worried about leaving him but he nods so I shoot him a small smile.
It's cold when we step outdoors and I instinctively wrap my arms around myself. A second later, a coat is draped across my shoulders.
"Thanks," I tell Jo and he just smiles.
"I'd ask if you're okay but..."
I give him a tight smile. "It's all right."
We stand for a bit, watching people come and leave. I never knew my dad had this many friends but I suppose that a lot of them are only here out of respect. It's unlikely he was close with all of them.
"I didn't even know where he's been these past few months," I say quietly and Jo looks at me. "I barely thought about him and if he was okay."
"You can't blame yourself, Daisy." he says softly.
I sniffle and press my palms against my eyes, trying not to cry. Jo's fingers wrap around my wrists and he pulls them away.
"I didn't care whether he was okay," I sob. "what kind of person does that make me?"
"You're not a bad person. And I'm sure your dad didn't think so either."
"You don't know that."
He sighs and shakes his head. "No, I don't. But thinking the way you're thinking isn't going to do anything."
I wrap my arms around him and he holds me tightly. A part of me is craving for the arms I'm being held to be Tyler's because all I want right now is his comfort.
I think about the unanswered texts and phone calls from him and feel even worse but I can't bring myself to deal with the mess between us when all this is happening. Besides, his comfort isn't something I deserve.
So I close my eyes and let Jo hug me, allowing a piece of me to pretend he's Tyler.
April 14th
Maddie's plane lands in the early hours of the funeral day. My grandpa drives me to the airport to pick her up because I'm still unfamiliar with this area.
She pulls me to the side while my grandpa goes to get her luggage.
"Tyler called me." She says softly. "He's worried about you."
I shake my head. "I just can't right now."
You don't deserve him, a nagging voice in my head says and it's right. I don't deserve him one bit.
Maddie seems to understand although I know she wishes I would open up to her more. Thankfully, she's never been one to push.
The drive back to my grandparents is quiet and I'm glad because of it. Everybody seems to want to talk about what happened. What exactly made my dad do it but I desperately want to forget.
Jax and Lauren are staying at a hotel but my mom, Axel and I are staying with my grandparents for now. I know it's because my mom needs the support.
Axel is awake when we get home. He's cooking breakfast with my grandma. I look around but see no sign of mom.
"She's still sleeping." Axel says, reading my thoughts. "You two can take the other guest room. I'll sleep on the couch tonight.
Normally I would argue but I'm grateful Maddie flew here that I don't want her to sleep on the couch.
I lead her to the guest room with my grandpa trailing behind with her suitcase. He deposits it next to mine and smiles.
"I'll give a shout when breakfast is ready."
When he leaves, Maddie sits on the bed.
"How is everyone?" She asks when I settle next to her.
I shrug. "Confused. Guilty."
I could list more but saying we're sad goes unspoken.
She nods sadly, not needing words.
We sit quietly until we hear a call that says breakfast is ready. Everybody is solemn while we eat because nobody wants to address what today is.
The funeral is at eleven, so we all get ready and climb in to the car at nine-thirty. The service is held at a church my mom picked out because dad didn't leave explicit instructions on where he wanted it to be so the decision was left up to her.
I never felt quite comfortable at churches but I push myself to get through it. Jaxon and Axel are seated on each side of me and I hold their hands so tight I'd be surprised if they have feeling in them.
When the funeral is over, it's an hour before we are able to head home. My grandparents cook dinner for all of us and later that night, we bring Jax and Lauren to the airport. I'm leaving in the morning with Maddie because neither of us can afford to be away from work any longer.
I pull Jax aside and give him the baby shirt I bought that says 'I have the best aunt' and he laughs.
"That better be the first thing she wears." I joke but he gives me a sincere smile.
"I'll do my best."
He hugs me and I say goodbye to Lauren and we watch them leave. I look to see mom crying and I am so grateful that Axel is living with her because I can't imagine leaving her all by herself during this hard time.
I know she is taking this harder than all of us and it makes sense. Despite the problems they had, she loves him.
And what I have learned, is that loving somebody has consequences.
April 15th
After Maddie and I get back to Dallas, I convince her that I'm okay and she can go home.
"Call me when you get to your apartment." She says, and I nod.
I don't go straight home though, I head to Tyler's house because I know that I have to talk to him.
He isn't home when I get there, probably at practice. It's a nice day though and I have a spare key so I let the dogs out to run around in the front lawn. I fiddle with the note my dad wrote that I've been keeping in my pocket, trying to work up the nerve to read it.
I'm still sitting outside with them when Tyler's car pulls in the driveway. He looks surprised to see me and I can't really blame him considering I have not answered any of his texts or calls.
But he sits next to me, petting Gerry when the dogs races over.
"You came home," he says after a few minutes of silence between us.
I can see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye and it would normally make me feel happy but all I feel is guilt.
"Where else would I go? Dallas is my home."
I turn my head and he's not giving anything away in his expression. It's not blank or angry, just neutral. His eyes glance down at my hands that are still holding the letter.
"What's that?"
"My dad... he left us letters."
Tyler looks up and studies me. He's always been good at reading my emotions. I'm like an open book when it comes to him.
"You haven't read it." He says and I shake my head.
"I'm not strong enough." I whisper. What I don't need to say is that I'm afraid of what I'll find.
He looks uncertain, but reaches out and takes my hand in his.
"I'm here." He says quietly.
I look at him and see that his eyes are sincere. Trustworthy. Hopeful.
So I pluck up the courage and open the letter.
Hey jelly-bean,
Not sure if you'll read this but writing it might give me some peace. I know I don't deserve it and I'm not looking for forgiveness because I know I do not deserve that either but maybe it will give you guys some closure.
I'll start by saying sorry, I suppose. I know that it won't cover the pain I caused our family but I have to say it.
There are a lot of things that I need to apologize for because I know what I have put our family through and most of it is unforgivable.
I'm sorry to you because I know that when you were kids, you did your best to protect your brothers from what was happening and that burden never should have fallen upon you.
I'm sorry that while you were trying to piece back together what I ripped apart, I made you feel bad about it. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry.
There are a million things I have to apologize to your mom for and I can only hope that she finds some peace after reading it.
I shouldn't ask anything of you but I need you to promise to help your mom move on and find somebody that is worthy of her because god knows I never was. I didn't take care of our family the way I should have and it was something I regretted until the day I died.
I know you won't understand why I did this, and I don't want you to because you don't need to feel that burden. None of you do.
I'll say this though, I'm proud of you. I'm so proud. You kids were more than I ever should have been allowed to have.
I was the luckiest father because I had you three. I love you guys to Pluto and back a million times.
- Love, Dad