• • •
Chara had never been one to look in the mirror.
Every time she looked at herself, she saw something wrong. It's as if everything about her was.. incorrect. And unfortunately, the more she gazed upon herself, the stronger her judgement became.
Though Papyrus made it known that it's okay to be lonely, to feel guilt or sorrow, this is different. It's similar to guilt in a way, however, but it's centered more around herself than her actions.
Well, her actions make her feel this way about herself.
The mirror in Chara's room was full length, framed by solid white and utterly insignificant.
She had yet to experience seeing herself even once.
Getting dressed didn't require seeing her own appearance. However she looked was how she looked, and it was up to someone else's discernment.
Chara habitually passed on by it, knowing it's there, ignoring her own physical characteristics.
She wasn't used to caring about what others thought of her, but nowadays when she looks at Frisk, or feels another pair of eyes on her, her stomach cramps up. Being alive again has caused so many issues she doesn't remember having to deal with.
Her body soon appears, reflected by the mirror. Chara grimaces; she was the spitting image of Frisk. The only differences she had going for herself were her devilish eyes, and that wasn't a pro.
She looks demonic— that's what Frisk probably called her, a demon. They're just a constant reminder of who she is, of who she no longer wants to be. It's equivalent to a permanent scar from a curse, tainting her in the eyes of other and herself.
Chara isn't pretty, she knows that. She is pale and thin with quite a bit of muscle but otherwise scrawny. Though she has a symmetrical face that was relatively pleasing to the eye, her own scarlet pupils ruined it.
Frisk's eyes are enchanting, golden and calm. She has smooth, unblemished caramel skin and soft dark brown hair. Chara knew Sans hadn't taken interest in Frisk for that, but she was sure it was part of the reason, a lucky bonus.
Sans is always glaring and sneering and giving her the cold shoulder. Of course the main reason for this is because she killed everyone he cared about, set him back, then did it all over again, then again, and again, and again.
But maybe, just maybe, part of the reason she's easy to hate is because she's unappealing.
Chara realizes she's been staring at herself for much longer than intended. There's a desperate longing to be endearing like Frisk, or even to just be normal.
Why aren't her eyes hazel or beige? Though it's not her preference, she'd even take blue or green.
Chara, in a random burst of unknown emotions, storms to her desk and plops down into the chair. She takes a pack of markers (a gift from Asgore, since she apparently enjoyed coloring (little did he know the only things she drew were pictures of monsters only to scratch them out) as a child) and sifts through it until locating the red. Chara reaches for a stray piece of paper and clicks the cap off the marker, immediately drawing a large frowning face. Afterwards, she heads back to the mirror, taping the paper where her face was to be reflected.
That's better, she thinks.
- - -
After a while of sulking on her bed and casting brief glances at her mirror, there's light knocking on her door.
"Chara? Are you awake?" Frisk's kind-toned voice calls. "I'm coming in," she says, and Chara internally grumbles at the sound of the creaking. Not wanting Frisk attempt to awake her when she already is so, Chara sits up.
Frisk is, oddly, dressed for an outing. Adorning her body is a lilac sweater, blue jeans, and black rain boots. She'd even taken the time to do her hair, shiny and neat with a glittering accessory.
It makes her want to tug the hood of her dark hoodie over the mess commonly known as her hair.
"We decided to head to the lake, it's a nice day out," Frisk informs with a natural smile.
Chara would rather stay in her room and do nothing. Something about going out in public sounds terrible, but being left alone without access to anybody sounds awful too.
Besides, she can't find it in herself to say no to Frisk anymore, after everything.
"Okay." Frisk beams and is off before Chara can ask when they're leaving. Seconds later she returns, a similar sweater to her own in hand, except it's green. It's held out to her, and Chara feels her heart momentarily swell, but it soon deflates.
She's going to look like such a disappointment next to Frisk.
Chara has a troublesome amount of difficulty holding onto and accepting that thought, and decides she won't go anymore.
"Frisk I—" but she's already down the hall.
• • •
The wool is warm against her skin, soft yet uncomfortable. It protects Chara from the recurring wind, but not from the unflattering comments her mind relentlessly produces.
Her rain boots, a deep green, sink into the mud the closer she gets to the shore. The lake is a diluted brown, but vast and mesmerizing despite the lack of cleanliness.
There's a row of canoes awaiting them, Sans and Papyrus both setting up their own. Toriel and Asgore are already out on the water, peacefully making their way downstream whilst having what seems to be a lovely conversation. Undyne and Alphys, however, seem to be having a bit of trouble. Chara can hardly see them in the distance, but can vaguely make out Undyne rowing furiously and Alphys holding on for dear life.
"CHARA! GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT, YOU LOOK NICE!" Papyrus greets with his normal flattery when addressing her. He extends his hand, wanting to help her into the canoe.
"Thanks." Chara attempts gratitude for his words, but the moment they hit her ears all she heard was a bland excuse to be kind.
The dullness of her response conveys her stale mood. He notices, as he tends to, but Chara is known to always be a little monotone, hopefully he'll drop it.
- - -
Chara's silent for the first few minutes, enjoying the stillness of the water and the tranquility in the atmosphere.
Her chin resides in her hands, elevated by her elbows resting on her legs. With eyes closed, Chara tries to relax, but she can't. She feels so uncomfortable in her own skin. Chara knows her body is hers, she belongs here, but that doesn't mean she wants to.
Frisk and Sans seem to be enjoying themselves however, engaging in conversation while Sans' hand sneaks into her own.
Chara isn't bothered by their intimacy as she usually is. It's Frisk that troubles her. How is it, that she looks so radiant in the sun? It kisses her toffee-like skin, producing a glow so gorgeous that Chara can't tell if it's oddly alluring or just annoying.
Maybe if she fell into the murky water, the entrancing powers her looks bare would disappear. Chara has to internally scold herself for considering that idea a for few moments despite the obvious outcome. A mess.
Frisk catches her eyes, smiling almost on command. Chara returns one with extreme effort, not because she has trouble curving her lips, but because it's fake. She had not once forced herself to grin in her entire life.
In Chara's first sentience, after falling, she was quite the smiler. Not to induce happiness, but to strike fear. Her smile was purposely creepy, she loved the reaction it forced from monsters. It was a beam, big and definitely not beautiful, but it's not like they could ask her to stop. They'd return it, slowly, unsettledness evident in their eyes. Chara enjoyed every second.
On her first killing, that smile remained. Genuine and disgusting.
- - -
Chara shouldn't have let her mind wander like that. Gray began bubbling in the pit of her stomach, twisting her insides. Her hand lays upon the area, allowing her to notice the sweater once more. She tries not to groan upon contact and the remembrance of the memory in which she received it.
Atop her guilt is something else she can't describe. It's not small and deadly like loneliness, which slowly grows and consumes her. It starts off big, overriding her judgement, making her feel so incredibly small and insignificant and unappealing to all eyes.
Her own flicker to Papyrus, who's gazing into the water in awe and admiration. The guilt increases in her as she realizes she's been ignoring him this whole voyage.
"Hey—" the canoe suddenly teeters. Papyrus is leaning over and pointing into the water.
"LOOK AT ALL THE FISH CHARA!" He then shouts, his face nearly touching the face of the lake.
"Okay, okay. Just.. sit back up!" Chara struggles, the canoe still wobbling. He does so it a swift motion, the canoe rocks with his movement, sending Chara flying into his arms.
"You're a moron," Chara grumbles as she leans upwards. "The fish are probably gone now." She peers into the water, immediately noticing a pale girl looking back at her.
Her reflection was dirtied by the mud tainting the water, but that seemed about right anyways.
She looks terrible despite the grime. Her sweater nowhere near compliments her as it does her radiant doppelgänger. Why does she look like a ghost? So plain-featured and unlovely, she really should look away, to spare herself, but there's a piercing red slightly diminished by the state of the lake that keeps her attention.
Why do they look like that? Demonic and crazy, which is was she is— was. They're so sharp and evil, she can hardly stand them.
"CHARA, THE FISH LEFT, WHY'RE YOU STILL LOOKING?" Papyrus' voice is distant as her reflection reforms.
The bright scarlet of her pupils remain, but her skin runs dark and her eyes bleed along with her palms, which were gripping the edge of the canoe with an obvious tremble. The creature before her moves on its own, rising from the lake that has become a black inland.
The creature wears a wicked smile, and Chara can only watch in revulsion and alarm as it surfaces. It's a black amalgamate, devilish and vile with the reddest of irises that near blind her. Chara takes a step back, a mistake, a black limb shoots out and grasps her neck in an inhumanly strong grip. The inkiness of its body spreads throughout her skin, dying her body. She struggles futilely, attempting to pry its hand from her throat. However, the moment her nails make an effort to scratch the creature, the tar traps her and begins sleeping into her fingers.
Chara is about to scream before the ink reaches her mouth, recoloring her, sealing her fate. In vain, she attempts another shout, but the substance only leaks from her lips, falling to her feet and speeding up what the monster began.
What she began.
- - -
Chara's a wreck when life returns to her, Papyrus shaking and shouting at her frantically as her breaths are rushed, ragged, and strained.
He smiles when they make eye contact, now rubbing her back soothingly.
"WELCOME BACK, CHARA! THAT MUST'VE BEEN A DOOZIE!" Papyrus' look of endearment sent a rush of relief through her, a little of something else as well, but it was gone so quickly that Chara couldn't hope to describe it.
"YOU KNOW, WHEN I TOLD YOU TO LOOK AT THE FISH, THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT."
"That's not funny," Chara mutters weakly, images of her hallucination flashing briefly in front of her. She shuts her eyes, trying to block them out. "What happened?"
"YOU TELL ME." Chara shoots Papyrus a quick glare before glancing around her. They're still in the canoe, but that gradual movement and sudden teetering is gone. Papyrus is seated with her head in his lap while her body is draped across the rest of the canoe.
"S'everyone else up ahead?" He nods.
"FRISK WANTED TO STAY, BUT SANS PRACTICALLY DRAGGED HER AWAY AND—" Papyrus is then cut off by Chara's sudden burst into tears. Salty drops pour from her eyes in a frantic spill.
"CHARA.." Papyrus resumes his consoling, rubbing distressing patterns into her skin until she's reduced to sniffles and tear streaked cheeks.
"DO YOU WANNA TALK—"
"Am I a hideous monster, Papyrus?" Chara asks, as if it's a normal question. Her tone is off-putting, there's nothing in it.
"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM? OF COURSE NOT!" Chara seems unmoved by his answer.
"I knew you'd say that. You just don't know. I've hurt so many monsters and humans. I'm bound to my past, and it won't let go." Chara says softly, looking over the canoe and into the water once more. "I used to not think anything of my appearance." Her reflection flashes, the beast from her nightmare now looking back at her. "Now, when I look at myself, all I see is a monster. All I see is who I really am." Chara let's out an unsettling chuckle as the creature grins at her. There you are, Chara.
She's tugged away from the water, forced face to face with a stern Papyrus.
"IF YOU'RE REALLY A MONSTER THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SITTING PEACEFULLY WITH ME? DO I LOOK HURT?" Chara shakes her head and Papyrus' expressions softens. "YOU'RE TRYING TO CHANGE, THAT'S ONE THING THAT KEEPS YOU FROM BEING A MONSTER. YOU FELT REGRET, AND NOW YOU'RE MAKING AMENDS. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO DO THAT? OR HOW EASY IT IS TO FALL BACK INTO YOUR PREVIOUS LIFE?" His hand slides from her cheek to behind her ear, his digits disappearing into her hair. Chara follows up his forearm, stopping at the base of his palm.
She tries not to cry again, exposing herself once let in that irritating heat that sears her skin.
"AND ABOUT THAT HIDEOUS PART. IT'S APPALLING YOU'D EVEN USE THAT WORD TO BE QUITE HONEST." Chara looks away at that. It's as if he's reprimanding her for thinking ill of herself.
"I THINK YOU'RE VERY PRETTY CHARA! OF COURSE I CAN'T FORCE YOU TO THINK THE SAME, JUST KNOW THAT I DO." Chara speedily shakes her head.
"You can't be serious. Have you seen these?" Chara insinuates the crimson orbs that glisten and decorate her face. "They're unnatural."
"NO, THEY'RE A PART OF YOU. THAT MAKES THEM BEAUTIFUL REGARDLESS." Papyrus' idle hand glides to her brow, outlining her face, caressing and conveying everything Chara needed to know.
"Now you're just being a sap," she mumbles, pushing away the touch that sets fire.
Papyrus laughs heartedly. "MAYBE."
• • •
"Today, there was definitely gray. It wasn't a lot though, it only added onto.. what did you call it?"
"AQUA, BUT YOURS HAD A LITTLE BROWN SWIMMING IN IT."
"Like the lake?"
"LIKE THE LAKE."
Chara exhales from her spot at her desk, completing another bullet in her notebook of emotions. She closes it and pops up from her seat, the mirror her destination.
Papyrus removed her red frown from the silver glass the second he saw it, but if he hadn't, she would have. The creature is no longer there to taunt her, to remind her of what she left behind. Far behind.
Chara notices Papyrus beaming at her through the reflection, and she has no trouble grinning right back. She likes it, fully smiling, really smiling. She looks prettier with it, Papyrus said, and maybe she believes that.
"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, CHARA." Papyrus says tenderly. Chara turns around, bounding to her bed, where he sat, and jumping into his embrace. It's a small scuffle, full of laughter and ultimately with Chara on top. She leans down until their foreheads touch, something Frisk unknowingly showed her to be a demonstration of affection.
"So are you."
• • •
Author's Note
LolthisishellalatebutI'mlazyafso..
Anyways, thanks for your patience! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope to see you next week!
Also the emotion was self-conciseness + low self-esteem (I think it was obvious though)
(+ a little guilt to make it all worse :3)
A lovely combo to decrease self-worth I'd say!
Chara will get through it though, given there's someone special to call her beautiful whenever she needs it.
Toodles~!