"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." ~Paulo Coelho
I sat playing a tune on the Baldwin 243 that sat in the living room of my parents’ house. My dad went out and bought a piano the moment I said I wanted to take lessons. I remembered listening to Duke Ellington with my dad and wanting to tickle the ivories. The song that I was playing was something fairly recent, but for the life of me, I couldn’t think of the title. It was a Thursday evening and I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. Mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner and dad was watching the news. I hadn’t seen my little brother, so I figured he wasn’t there. He had his own apartment, but he spent more time at mom and dad’s than he did when he actually lived there.
There was a lot on my mind, and playing the piano always seemed to calm me and help me think. My marriage wasn’t doing any better even though we were going to couples’ therapy. She was just so distant, and I didn’t know how to reach her. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said no. I asked if she wanted to work things out and she said yes. The problem was she didn’t seem to be making an effort to fix us. Nothing had changed, and I was tired of being the only one trying to make this work. What did she want me to do? She told Dr. Lewis that I didn’t support her career; that I was trying to stunt her growth. How could she believe that? Just because I wanted to have kids; a family. Not that kids would be a problem since we weren’t having sex. I’d been praying for strength, patience, and guidance, but every day it got harder and harder to go home.
I found myself thinking about Leslie more and more. The sound of her voice, the curve of her body, those luscious lips I longed to kiss. I loved Naomi more than anything, but I had needs. I didn’t want to cheat on my wife; she was the only woman I wanted to be with. But lately, I wondered if Leslie’s skin was as soft as it looked. So I hadn’t used her number, I made no attempt to contact her. No, I couldn’t give in to temptation! I knew that I was weak, and she was like an open bar to recovering alcoholic. I couldn’t guarantee that I would resist these urges if I were in her presence. What more could I do than keep my distance? Besides, Leslie’s wasn’t truly the body I craved. I wanted my wife back! It was her that I wanted to please and take pleasure from. I had absolutely no problem loving one woman for the rest of my life, but what do you do when that love isn’t being returned?
Our problems weren’t all on her. By no means was I trying to place the blame on Naomi. Some of this was my doing. Maybe I wasn’t the best I could be for her, maybe I did get so consumed in work at times that I forgot to treat her like my queen, but at least I was trying to make it right. I was trying to give her the attention she deserved, but maybe she’d lost interest? I don’t know. All I could be certain of was that I couldn’t keep living this way.
I was so deep in my thoughts and the movement of my fingers on the keys, that I hadn’t noticed my parents standing there watching. The thing that brought me back to reality was the amazing voice of my little brother. It was when Dizzy started singing that I realized I was playing John Legend’s Ordinary People.
“Girl I’m in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue every day
I know I misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow”
Mom was crying by the end of the song, and dad looked a little misty eyed too. “That was beautiful!” Mom sniffed. She hugged Dizzy and leaned down to give me one as well. Dad walked up and gave us both a pat on the back. His silence held as much admiration and pride as mom’s tears. I knew how proud my parents were, but it still felt good to see it expressed. Especially when you’re going through.
“What’s on your mind, big bro?” Dizzy asked, sitting next to me on the piano bench.
“What I’m dealing with is too real for me to comment on.” I smirked.
“Whatever you say Kanye.” He laughed. “Why is it every time I come here lately, you seem to be here too?”
“Maybe you just come home too much.” Dad just happened to walk through the room when I said this. I guess he couldn’t help but comment on it.
“You got that right! Both of you.” He smiled as he went on into the den to watch TV.
"Is everything okay? I mean, between you and Naomi." He asked after a moment of silence. I was shocked that he'd actually used her name and not one if his usual nicknames. I chose not to point that out though.
"Why do you ask?"
"I don't know. It's just that you've been here almost as much as I have lately. Is there a reason you don't want to go home?" I forgot sometimes how insightful Dizzy could be.
"Nothing you need to worry about little brother." I smiled. "Let’s just say that when you finally find a woman to love, it won't always feel as good as in the beginning."
"Oh, I'm not worried about that." He laughed. "I got ninety nine problems, but a..."
"Dizzy!" My mom yelled causing him to jump and me to laugh. We both turned around to see her standing in the doorway.
"Ma'am?" In that moment, he looked like a little kid again.
"I am not your maid and you don't live here anymore. If you want your clothes washed, you better her in there and do it yourself." She fused.
“But I can’t do it like you can, mama.” He whined. He really did know how to lay it on thick.
“Well, you better learn or get one of those little girls to do it, because I’m not the one.” She said, folding her arms across her chest. Dizzy pouted and mom sighed. “I’ll do it this time, but I’m not your maid.”
“Thanks mama.” He smiled.
“Big baby!” I laughed once mom walked out of the room.
“Don’t hate! You’re just jealous that you don’t have it like me.” I couldn’t argue with that, so I didn’t even try to.
“Yeah, I guess I am hating just a little.”
“Try a lot.” He laughed. “Besides, you have a wife at home to wash your clothes. Which brings be back to my original question; is everything okay?”
“It’s all good, D, just got a lot on my mind.”
It was almost ten when I finally left my parents’ house to go home. I helped mom clean up the kitchen and played a few games of dominoes with dad and Dizzy, but it got to the point where it was time to go. I stopped at a bar and got a couple drinks. I had a fully stocked bar at home, but I wanted to procrastinate a little longer. I just didn’t want to have a fight on my hands. I was tired of fighting. Either Naomi wouldn’t be home, and I’d be upset, or she would be and she’d start an argument. I wouldn’t mind so much fighting if we could get to the making up, but I was being to wonder if we’d ever make it to that point.
I walked in the house just after eleven o’clock. Naomi was in bed reading a book. I remembered when a smile would come across her face whenever I walked into the room. She didn’t even acknowledge me anymore. I took off my suit jacket and walked into the closet to hang it up.
“It’s late.” She said when I walked back into the room.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Where were you?”
“At mom and dads.” I replied while I dug in a drawer for a pair of boxers.
“Oh, okay.” I was about to walk away. “Miles.”
“Yeah?”
“I was wondering…well, I…” She paused as if not sure how to continue.
“You were wondering…” I prompted after she didn’t say anything for a few minutes.
“Never mind.”
“What, Naomi?” I asked, but she was suddenly very interested in the book she was reading. I finally gave up and went in the bathroom.
My wife was asleep when I got out of the shower. It wasn't like I expected her to be waiting for me with open arms or anything, but maybe I had a small amount of hope that she'd want to at least talk. I can't lie and say that I wasn't curious about what she had to say. Was she finally ready to get our marriage back on track, or was she ready to throw in the towel? I wanted to say it didn't matter one way or the other at this point, but I knew the truth. It would break something inside me if I lost her. I knew I wouldn't survive it, because I just couldn't see my life without her in it. Why couldn't she see what she was doing to me?
I got down on my knees and prayed before climbing in the bed. I usually wrapped myself around Naomi, but I left quite a bit of distance between us. It was too painful to touch her knowing she would deny me a release. No, I wasn't about to torture myself like that, not tonight. I closed my eyes and hoped I wouldn't dream of Leslie while I lay in the bed with my wife.
"Why are you so far away?" I heard her voice clear as a bell, letting me know she hadn't been asleep. The bed moved, so I knew that she’d sat up and was looking at me.
“Do you want me closer?” I asked over my shoulder. Her silence was enough of an answer for me not to move over.
“Miles, I do want you closer.” She finally said.
“But?” She didn’t respond right away, so I finished it for her. “But you don’t want to have sex, right?”
“Why does everything have to always come back to sex? Why can’t you just hold me?”
“Because truthfully, I don’t want to hold you if I can’t have it.” I answered. It sounded a little harsher than I meant it to, but sometimes truth hurts.
“How can you say something like that to me, Miles?” I could hear the hurt in her voice, and I did feel bad about that, but I was tired.
“Are you sleeping with someone else?” I sat up so I could see her face.
“No! Of course not. I wouldn’t... No.” She said adamantly. “Are you?” I didn’t answer immediately because I was trying to determine if I believed her. I’d never given her a reason to cheat on me, and I honestly didn’t believe she would, but there was some reason she didn’t want to make love to me. There was a reason she was always gone, and I wanted to know what it was. “Oh my god, you are, aren’t you?”
“Don’t try to turn this around on me, Naomi!”
“So since I’m not giving it up, you go find it somewhere else?” She ranted.
“And what have you been doing? I know you, Naomi. This is the longest we’ve gone without having sex since we’ve been together. Hell, you didn’t make me wait this long before the first time!” Okay, I’ll admit that was a low blow, but I was upset and I wasn’t about to let her make me look like the bad guy.
“Go to hell, Miles!” She yelled.
“Believe me, Nai, I’m already there.” I sighed, getting out of the bed.
“Where are you going?”
“The guestroom. I don’t need this shit tonight.” I didn’t wait for a response, because there was nothing else to say. I felt bad about the way I’d spoken to her, but I just didn’t know how to deal with this anymore.
We were silent through breakfast the next morning. She was probably still upset from the night before and I just didn’t have anything to say. I walked out of the house without so much as a goodbye and I hated the way things were between us. I’d apologize when I got home at the end of the day, but for the time being, things would remain the way they were.
It was almost time to go home for the evening when my phone began to ring. I picked it up and was shocked to see that it was Naomi calling. I didn’t get a lot of calls from her lately. “Hey, um, do you want to have dinner? So we can talk.” She asked cautiously.
“Yeah, um, sure. Do you want me to make reservations?” I offered.
“That would be great. You can pick me up at the studio so we can ride together. If you want to, that is.”
“I’ll see you at seven.” When I ended the call, I dialed Fogo de Chao and made reservations. My day had suddenly taken a turn for the better, and I looked forward to a nice, romantic dinner with my wife. I hoped she wanted to talk about last night, because we needed to find some resolution before it was too late to salvage us. I put on my jacket, grabbed my briefcase and headed out the door to pick up my wife.
Naomi was standing in front of the dance studio when I pulled up. Her long hair was up in an elegant hairstyle that showed off her beautiful bone structure. She wore a short, formfitting, sleeveless black dress, and she looked absolutely magnificent. I got out and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead before opening the door for her. I got to see those long, toned legs as she got in the car, and I couldn’t help but bite my bottom lip. When I got back in the car, I looked over and said what I thought when I pulled up. “You look amazing dear.”
“Thank you.” She smiled.
The drive to the restaurant was quiet, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I don’t know what she was thinking about, but I was picturing her out of that dress. I really needed to get laid, and hopefully, that was exactly how the night was going to end.
We actually had a really nice dinner, and I was looking forward to a really nice night once we got home. I was finally feeling like everything would be alright between us. Naomi needed to freshen up before we left, and I had to use the restroom myself, so we both went after I paid the check. Of course, it took me a lot less time than it took her, so I waited for her before returning to our table. I heard the door to the women’s restroom open, but I wasn’t looking in that direction.
“Miles?” I turned around to see Leslie’s lovely face. She wasn’t the woman I was expecting, but I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.
“Hi, Leslie. We have to stop meeting like this.”
“I know right.” She laughed. “What are the odds?”
“You look very nice.” I complimented, but nice was hardly sufficient to describe her. She wore a dark purple blouse that really complimented her mocha skin and showed off her ample breast. The black shirt did the same for her hips, and I could only imagine what it did for her posterior.
“Thank you. I’m here on a date.”
“How is that working out?” I asked.
“Let’s just say this will be the very last time I let anyone set me up on a blind date. He may have great taste, but he is bland as white rice. I’m talking no flavor.” She answered, causing me to laugh. Naomi chose that moment to walk out of the restroom, and I was so glad Leslie couldn’t see the look on her face.
“Honey, I’d like you to meet someone.” I smiled, holding my hand out to her. Leslie’s eyes widened for a second before she smiled and turned to face Naomi. Thankfully, my wife had gotten her face together. “Naomi, this is Dr. Leslie Jacobs. Leslie, this is my wife, Naomi.”
“It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.” Leslie smiled, extending her hand.
“Is that right?” Naomi smiled and shook her hand. She looked from Leslie to me. “I wish I could say the same.” It was one of those awkward moments that I wished would hurry up and be over with. I’d never cheated on my wife, but for some reason, I felt like I was introducing my wife to my girlfriend. Technically I was, but there was nothing physical going on with Leslie. She was just a friend who happened to be a girl. A very attractive girl, but still just a friend.
“Well, I need to get back to Daniel.” Leslie said. I guessed that was the name of her date. She turned to Naomi. “It was nice meeting you. I hope the two of you enjoy the rest of your night.”
“You too.” I smiled as she walked away. I turned back to Naomi to see her hands on her hips. “Ready to go love?” I laughed nervously.
The ride on was as silent as the ride to the restaurant, but this silence wasn’t comfortable at all. I was actually trying to think of how I would answer when Naomi asked me how I knew Leslie. Do I lie? No, I didn’t want to lie to her, but then again, I couldn’t really tell her the truth either. I wished I could call Terrence and ask him for his advice, but I wouldn’t be able to do that before Naomi started her interrogation. I wondered what she was thinking about, but I didn’t disturb the quiet. It may have been uncomfortable, but at least for the moment, it was peaceful.
We both changed out of our clothes when we got home. Naomi still hadn’t said anything, and I didn’t know what to make of that. I walked out of the bathroom and she was trying to undo her zipper. “Let me.” I said as I walked up behind her. I slowly unzipped the dress, but I didn’t step away when I finished. She turned around to face me as the dress dropped to the floor.
I kissed her gently, slowly, savoring the taste of her tongue, the feel of her lips. It took a lot to restrain myself. I wanted to ravish her, but I also wanted to take my time. It had been so long since we made love, and I wanted to enjoy every second of it. My hands caressed her body while we kissed, slowly moving her toward the bed. I unhooked her bra and she moaned against my lips.
“Miles…” She said as I finally laid her down.
“Yeah, baby.”
“Who is Leslie?”
“Leslie who?” I asked, kissing my way down her neck to her collarbone. I wasn’t trying to be evasive; I just couldn’t focus on anything but the feel of her skin.
“Miles.” She said firmly. Okay, this conversation was not what I wanted to have at the moment, but she didn’t seem capable of letting it go.
“She’s nobody. Just a friend.” I sighed, rolling off of her.
“Why haven’t I ever heard of her? How do you know her?” She asked, rising up so she could look into my face.
“Do you seriously want to have this conversation right now?” Too close; I was too close to let it not happen. Naomi didn’t say anything for a moment.
“She’s really pretty.”
“I guess.” I replied.
“You guess?” She raised an eyebrow.
“Okay she’s beautiful.” She hit me in the arm.
“I said pretty and you said beautiful.” She was upset now.
“Naomi what is it going to take to end this conversation and go back to what we were doing?” I asked seriously.
“You can tell me who the hell she is!” She said, louder than necessary.
“Why does everything have to turn into a fight with us? Damn, Nai! I thought we had a nice evening. I was hoping to have a wonderful night, but you always tripping about something.” I was suddenly too tired to argue. I got up so I could get in the bed right.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Going to bed. Goodnight.” I turned the light off and closed my eyes. I would stay up to have sex, but I wasn’t about to stay up to argue with her.
Naomi was already gone when I got out of the shower the next morning. I didn’t hear from her all day. Around lunch time, I gave in and called, but she didn’t pick up. It seemed like we’d take a step forward then two steps back. What was it going to take to fix this? On the way home from work that evening, I listened to John Legend sing Ordinary People.
“This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay”
My wife was taking a bubble bath when I got to the house. She had about a dozen candles lit, a bottle of wine, and two wine glasses. “Hi.” She smiled as I walked into the bathroom.
“Hey.”
“Would you like to join me?”
“Seriously?”
“Yes seriously.” She laughed.
“Is this some kind of trick?” I asked, looking around.
“Miles, I’m trying to be nice.” She sighed.
“That’s why I’m so suspicious.”
“If you don’t want to get in that’s all you have to say.” She frowned. I walked over to the tub, leaned over and gently kissed her lips.
“You know that I always want to be close to you. Let me hang up my suit and I’ll be right back.”
“This is nice.” She said as she rested her back against my chest. I was a little distracted by the feel of the soap suds against her smooth skins, so I didn’t respond. She held up a glass of wine for me and I took it in one hand. “How was your day?”
“Nowhere near as good as it is now.” I smiled even though she couldn’t see my face.
“I’m sorry about last night. I guess I was just a little jealous.” She admitted.
“Naomi, you never have anything to worry about when it comes to me. You are the only woman I see.” I said honestly. We stayed in the tub until the water got cold. Once we got out, we dried each other off, placing small kisses here and there. The sound of her giggle was like music to my ears.
“Honey, I have something to ask you.” She said once we walked back into the bedroom. Here we go, I thought. Even though I was enjoying the closeness, I was also waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things were going too good for one of us not to mess it up. "There is a fundraiser that I must attend, and I would very much appreciate it if you would accompany me."
"Is that all?" I laughed. How silly of her to think I wouldn't want to. "I'd gladly accompany you almost anywhere, honey."
"Really?" She asked, seemingly confused. "Even with the way things have been between us lately?"
"Of course! I love you, Naomi. I'd do anything for you." I said sincerely.
Several emotions ran across her face, but it was the remorse that caught me off guard. Did she feel guilty about the way we were? Was she blaming herself? "Thank you." She finally replied.
“Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby you and I”
We spent the rest of the night making love, only stopping to order Chinese food and eat before starting again. I lost myself inside of her and only exhaustion was able to tear me away. “God, I love you girl.” I said as I fell back on the bed.
“That was incredible.” She said. I looked over to see her eyes were closed and a smile was on her face. “And I love you too.”
“We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow”