(A/N) So this chapter is dedicated to one of my best friends and sisters Vanessa_loves1D for being absolutely amazing and commenting on every single chapter multiple times! XD I never thought It would say I have over 100 comments but I do now thanks to you sweetie. XD Now go read her stories "All Beacause of a Prank Call."
Also, I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I've been planning other stories, busy with exams, and my birthday was last week as well so it's been a busy week or so for me.
And I don't really have time to reread my stories most of the time so I'm sorry for typos. I know I've made a LOT lately.
OH OH OH.
AND AND AND.
Amber_Phantomhive has contrbuted SOOOOO many ideas to this story and she should be thanked as well! I might still be stuck on chapter 15 without her. She doesn't have any stories of her own yet but as soon as she does I'll start recommending them in my a/n.
And as always go read ScruffyHoran's stories because they're fab. She's got stuff ranging from GI JOE to Doctor Who to Michael Jackson and of course One Direction.
Sasha's POV:
"Well he has a severe concussion which is affecting his ability to perform normal human tasks. His instincts are very slow so it's not safe for him to be alone. He's going to need to be taken care of for sometime." The doctor spoke to Eren and I in the waiting room of the ER section of the hospital.
"How long is sometime?" I asked.
The doctor shrugged. "It could days, weeks, or months. He seems like a strong lad, I expect him to make a full recovery. We just have to be patient and allow the injured part of his brain to heal which I anticipate it will sooner than you might thing. Do you have any idea who might be able to take care of him?"
Eren and I looked at each other. "Well I can." Eren said.
"Alright, here's the instructions and information on his prescribed medications." He handed Eren a folder and Eren sat down and looked through it. The doctor and I looked at each other. I really wasn't sure what to do. I wanted to help, I felt like I owed Levi that since it's my fault he got in this fight in the first place. If I hadn't been with Harry this wouldn't have happened. Eren seems to have everything under control, I'm not sure what I can do?
Just as the doctor walked away, Eren's cell phone began to ring.
"I came in like a wrecking ball...I never hit so hard in love...All I wanted was to break your walls..."
I glared at him and grinned. He smiled back at me sheepishly.
"Hello?" He answered his phone and stood up, setting the folder of Levi's medical information on the chair beside him. He walked away from me for privacy. I decided to snoop through the folder on the chair. There were 4 different medications he had to take. One for the swelling on his head, one for pain, one to aid in memory, and another a relaxant. I felt bad for him. He didn't deseve this. This was so stupid. "Sasha?" Eren walked back over to me. I handed the folder back to him but he refused to take it from my hand.
"What's up?" I asked him. His expression had changed so much from what it was moments ago.
He took a deep breathe and looked at me. "That was Armin's mom. Armin was in a car accident."
"What?" I stood up. "What do you mean? What happened? Is he alright?"
Eren shook his head slowly. "A drunk driver ran a stop sign and slammed into the side of his car. He's paralyzed from the waist down and his mom doesn't think he's going to make it. I guess he's asking to see me."
I covered my mouth with a hand. I didn't know what to say. This was our friend from the National Guard, one of our best frineds. Especially Eren, they're very close. How could this happen so fast? We haven't even been gone that long. "I...I can't believe it." I said with my mouth still covered.
"I don't know what to do. I said I'd take care of Levi..." Eren looked away from me and down at his feet. He shouldn't have to worry about this. Armin is his best friend, they've known each other forever."
"I'll take care of Levi, don't worry about it."
"Are you sure, Sasha?"
"Of course, go see Armin."
Emily's POV:
"JaegerBombasitc is requesting a group call with you (EmilyLovesFOOD) and PrincessAngelDelaney"
Oh, Sasha, must be back finally. I wonder if she's heard from Katie? Or maybe Angel has? I can't help but worry about Katie, I haven't heard from her since she left. She left for England so quickly I barely got to wish her good luck. I wasn't even sure what she was doing there or how long she'd be gone but I knew it had something to do with Louis. I wanted to Skype Niall but I knew Eleanor's funearl was this week and everyone would be down from that so I decided not to. I just hope while she's gone her and Louis willl at least figure out their relationship. I don't even find it weird anymore that my best friend is in a very complicated relationship with a celebrity. I just want what's best for her and I think of the entire situation now as if it was some guy from school instead of Louis from One Direction.
"Hey girls!" I greeted as their faces filled my Skype page. Angel appeared to be in a completely purple room and Sasha was in a coffee shop. "Where the hell are you, Ange?"
"Do you like my new dorm room?" She moved aside so we could admire her light purple walls. "They moved all of us over to the newer dorms on the other side of campus after the storm destroyed our old ones."
"It looks great!" I said, taking notice of her One Direction and 5SOS posters amongst ones of kitties. She was such a girl. "Sash, you're so quiet?"
Sasha sighed and took a drink of her coffee. "I'm sorry, I'm so tired." She took another drink of her coffee.
"Are you back in America yet, honey?" Angel asked.
"Not yet."
"Not yet?" I repeated. "I thought your flight was last night?"
"I missed my flight. A lot has happened."
"Have you seen Katie at all? Or Harry?" I asked. She seemed to shudder at the mention of his name.
"Oh I saw Harry alright. I haven't seen Katie but last I heard from Harry she was doing fine."
"Oh no, what did Harry do?" Angel laughed but Sasha wasn't amused.
"You remember Eren and Levi don't you?" Sasha asked but continued before we could respond. "Well they were here for training as well. Harry and I were at a bar and ran into them Levi and Eren got in a fight with Harry and..."
"Take a breath, Sash." I reassured her. She was practically hyperventilating.
"I'm sorry." She took another sip of her coffee. "Long story short, Levi is in the hospital. Eren and I were with him all night."
I couldn't help but laugh just a bit. "Levi is in the hospital? Really? Not Harry? But Levi is a soldier and Harry is in a band? How does..."
"He's very short for his age, alright!" Sasha defended him. I hadn't realized she still had feelings for Levi even though he was gay. Poor girl.
"Is he out of the hospital now?" Angel asked.
"Yeah, he has a concussion and I'm meant to look after him until he's better. Our flight is in a couple hours."
"What happened to Harry?" I asked.
"I actually have no idea. I left with Eren in a cab. I could care less what happened to Harry. He shouldn't have fought with Levi in the first place."
"Why were you two even together? How did that happen?" Angel asked while she took a sip of her cup of tea. Sasha looked so annoyed it was almost funny. She really didn't want to talk about him at all.
"Harry is an Attack on Titan fan."
I choked and Angel sprayed her tea across the room.
"You're kidding?" I laughed.
"I'm not. He invited me to Anime Con and gave me a scarf like Mikasas to wear."
"Oh my lord." I shook my head and laughed.
"You guys are perfect for each other!" Angel stated the obvious and I nodded in agreement.
"No we're not! Stop saying that! We're complete opposites! And I don't like him anymore. I don't even want to see him ever again. If you guys are going to keep talking like this I'll just end the call-"
"No!" Angel and I said nearly in unison.
"Actually, I have to go." Angel started. "I didn't realize it was so late. I have to pick up Katie from the airport."
"Ange, are her parents going to be there? Can I go with you?" I asked desperately.
"They don't know she's coming back. I'll pick you up, okay?" Angel smiled.
"Thanks. I can't wait to see her."
"I guess I'll go then. I'm sorry for snapping at you girls." Sasha apologized and looked down sorrowfully. I felt bad for her. She was really confused.
"Baby you don't have to..."
"No, I do. I didn't really sleep at all so it made me bitchy I guess. I'm worried Harry is going to look for me before I leave and I just can't deal with that right now. I'll see you guys when I get back. Give Katie a hug for me." She ended the call just like that. Angel and I said goodbye as well and I closed my computer, threw on my jacket, and opened my bedroom door. Just before I reached the staircase I heard the sound of something braeking. "Mom?" I called for her. I ran down the stairs and saw her lying on the floor next to a broken bottle. The bedroom door slammed on the other side of the room and I understood the situation. "Mom, please don't just sit there and let him..."
"Sweetheart, why don't you go out for a little while." She cleaned the blood off her arm with a towel. "It was just an accident don't worry about me."
"Mom. I know he hurt you. Let me..."
"Here's $20. Why don't you go see Katie or Sasha or someone." She forced a fake smile on me to hide the pain as she stuffed the bill into my hand. I couldn't just leave her like this. Just then the bedroom door opened and my dad came into the room we were in.
"What's going on?" He asked and looked at me.
"She's just about to leave."
"Who said she's allowed to leave?" He shouted. Even though he was on the other side of the room I could pratically smell the alcohol and tabacoo on his breath from here. It's no wonder I have asthema the air in there is horrible.
"I did. She's going out with her friends." My dad walked across the room and grabbed my mom by the arm and pulled her closer to him. I didn't know what he was going to do. As painfully truthful as it is, this was just another Monday for us.
I didn't bother saying anything to him. I've said the same things a million times, he's heard it all before. I grabbed a pot from the kitchen counter and attempted to hit him over the head with it. This is just how my family is, it's all violence and no one does anything about it.
He saw me coming at him though and grabbed the pot handle and pulled it away from me. The pot hit the floorand directed his attention to me. "You're such a disrespectful little brat..." He pushed me against the counter and grabbed my shoulders and threw me onto the floor into the pile of broken glass. I stood up and looked at the cuts on my upper arm. They weren't that bad. I've had far worse. The pot was nearby so I grabbed it again and hit him with it just as he turned away from me.He fell to the floor unconscious and my mother and I dragged him over to the couch.
"It's going to be fine now. When he wakes up just tell him he fell asleep." I smiled at my mom who breathed a sigh of relief.
"You're such a brave girl." She gave me a hug and I hugged her back. I explained to her that I had to leave and she agreed we said our goodbyes. I walked out the door and inhaled the fresh smoke free air. To be honest, whenever my dad started acting like this and it was my mom and I vs. him, it all felt more like a video game than reality. I don't know how many lives we have left thought.
Katie's POV:
I can't figure out how the boys can just travel from place to place, fly to London for a breakfast, fly back to New York for an interview and then fly to Beijing for a concert, all in one day. I've just got off a flight from London to California and I feel like my head is going to explode. Jet lag is horrid but maybe you get used to it after while? It's even worse when you still have a bit of a hangover from clubbing with Louis. I can't believe I just said 'clubbing' and 'hangover' in the same sentence. Who even am I?
Despite the fact I probably looked like a homeless bum who'd been smoking everything I could find on the outside, on the inside I was over the moon. Everything was sunshine and rainbow and this was the weirdest feeling ever. All because of Louis. He made me feel like I was worth something and I'd never felt this way before. He always said he's not one to be afraid of telling someone he loves them like most guys and it was true. He told me he loved me at least 3 or 4 times yesterday. I really didn't know what was going to happen with our relationship after this? Are we a couple now?
My thoughts were distracted by Emily and Angel running up to me. I hadn't realized I was standing in the middle of the airport lost in thought. Stupid love.
"KATE!" Emily called my name very, VERY loudly and I winced in pain from the sound. She doesn't know you have a hangover Katie...remember that...
I was actually a little surprised Emily as here and disappointed that my parents weren't here. I do miss her like hell though.
"Em!" I replied and shouted much quieter than she had. She ran over to me and gave me a hug.
"You don't look that well, Kate?" Angel stated the obvious.
"Jet lag." I moaned.
"Oh...well I'll get your bags." Angel patted me on the back and walked away from us. Emily wouldn't let me go.
"So tell me everything?" Emily finally released me and stared at me. I didn't want to talk at all but I probably owe her an explanation for leaving so soon like that. Oh God, how am I even going to explain all this? I'm not even sure what happened myself. "You left because the guys wanted you to get Louis out of his room right?"
"Right, well sort of. He was at his house actually." I glanced down at the floor because I couldn't stop myself from smiling thinking of all the things him and I did together. I suddenly noticed the red scars on Emily's upper arm, almost at her shoulder. "What happened to your arm?" I changed the subject.
She looked at her arm almost as though she didn't know they were there. "Oh, those look a lot worse than they did when I left. It's nothing, don't worry about it. I just fell before I left because I was so eager to seel you." Emily smiled at me. I knew her fake smiles. I don't know why she bothered lying to me about when her dad was abusing them. She knows I understand, there's no point in hiding it. There's nothing Emily hates more than pepole pittying her so I decided not to bring it up again. "Anyway, tell me what happen? You went to his house?" Emily pestered me once more.
"Theguys took me to his house and I talked to him and..." I suddenly remembered how Louis and I discussed cutting. I didn't want to tell Emily that. She didn't need to know about it. He trusted me to keep that a secret. Besides Emily doesn't even know how I used to cut. Emily used to cut as well and I pretended to be this strong person that lectured her on how cutting won't solve her problems. I don't want to look like a hypcorite. "We just talked for like the whole day and eventually I got him to come back with me to see the other boys."
Emily shook her head in disbelief. "You and your damn speeches. I'll never understand how you do it. Then what?"
I laughed a little at her eagerness. "A lot happened actually. Louis and I played piano together and pulled some pranks on the other boys."
"Oh my God, that sounds so sweet. Katie he really loves you."
"I know." I couldn't help but blush and look down.
"You finally know? You're not going to deny it anymore? It's a miracle!" Emily laughed at me and mockingly looked surprised.
"He told me he loved me while we were in bed and..."
Emily scramed louder than before which I didn't even think was possible. "WHAT? You were in bed with him? You slept with him?" Emily shouted and her voice cracked. She didn't realize how loud she was. People in the airport started looking at us oddly.
"No! Not like that! I um..we...well I left out something..."
"I can see that!"
"We went to a bar the day after Eleanor's funeral and we got very drunk and almost...you know..."
"I literally can't even picture you in bed with a guy. Or in a bar for that matter." Emily grinned. I wasn't sure what that meant.
"I'll try not to be offended by that." I laughed.
"No I didn't mean it like that! Wait, you got drunk? British Katie isn't at all the same as American Katie."
"I know." I covered my face with my hand to hide my embarassment.
"So..." Emily walked in front of me. "First time you drank alcohol, first time you slept with a guy, in a strictly non-sexual way of course...anything else?"
"First kiss." I mumbled.
"You guys kissed too?! Well what was it like? Are you guys married yet?" Ok, now I know she's just mocking me.
"I don't even know what's going to happen now. He seemed so persistant. I wonder if he'll want to date? Long distance relationships never work do they?"
"You guys do live kinda far apart." Emily reminded me. "But, if he loves you enough I'm sure he'll make things work out. We'll just have to see what happens. I'm really happy for you Kate." She put her arm around my shoulder as we walked. "You smell like alcohol." She laughed.
"I missed your humor, Em." I smiled at her.
"I missed yours too."
.
We dropped Emily off at her own house and Angel dropped me off at the door of my own. She had to get back to campus. I was kind of afraid to face my parents alone but I had to. I wasn't sure what to expect. I looked in the window and saw my mom sitting on the couch in the living room. She was staring at the wall sadly. There was a single lamp lighting the room just enough to see in. It looked like a scene out of one of those commericals on anti-depressents to be honest.
I opened the door and walked inside. She quickly noticed me and ran over to me, hugging me tightly. "Oh Katie!" I kind of expected the opposite of this.
"Hi mom." I said, unsure of what else to say.
"I'm sorry for how I treated you when you left. I should have reacted differently."
"No you had every right to act the way you did, mom. I'm sorry too." She released me and we looked at each other.
"I had a terrible thought while you were gone." She turned around and looked away from me. "I know life for you hasn't been the best. I know you don't have many friends and your family is anything but functional. I know I don't give you as much attention as I should and your father sort of lives in his own little world."
"Mom, it's fine, you know I'm used to all that."
"No, it's not fine. I was worried that...you would find your place in England. That you'd never come back home." She looked away again so I wouldn't see her cry.
"Oh, mom, I'd always come back home. I know we're distant lately but I couldn't pack up and leave forever just like that?"
"But you will someday?" She asked and I nodded. "Alright, enough of this. Did you get everything you wanted out of your trip?"
"Actually, I got more than I wanted." I smiled.
"So when do I get to meet this boyfriend?"
"Mom!" I blushed. "He's not...we're not...it's not like that..." My mom grinned, she didn't seem to believe me. I don't think I even believe myself.
Our heart to heart conversation was interupted when my dad came in the door behind me. "Oh look who's finally back." He said sarcastically. I turned around and looked at him, almost startled by his sudden appearance. "I can't believe you have the balls to just come back like this after the way you left."
"Walter, she said she was sorry. We have to let her go once and awhile. It's not lke it cost us anything after all." My mom defended me.
"You cannot just go around leaving the house and coming back whenever you damn well feel like it, Katie. You're better than this. You need to focuse on what's important."
"I've also focused on what's important, you know that. I thought it was also important to have friends and some type of life outside my work? Work isn't rewarding if you have nothing else to do. What about you? You do whatever you feel like doing? Why do you get to and I don't?"
As I expected he had nothing to say to that. "I liked it better when you didn't have a life. You better not do this again." My dad sighed and walked away. To be honest his words didn't effect me. They never have. My mom looked at me sadly and I walked upstairs to my room. There was really nothing else to say to either of them.
I missed my bed.
And my blankets.
And my walls.
I got out my phone and texted Louis like he asked me to.
"Me: I'm home! This might sound weird but I really miss you already. I hope you're doing ok. Let me know as soon as you get this :) <3"
I wasn't really sure how to talk to him after all this? Our relationship was so different now. Should I be texting him like a girlfriend or a friend? I think what I said was something inbetween them both.
I got my computer out of my bag, plugged it in and powered it on. Maybe I should see if Louis is on Skype?
I'm not even kidding, I actually really miss Louis and the other boys for that matter. Being with them was a completely different world than what I'm used to. Everyone here is so dull and average and a bit predictable. Being with them was exciting. I never knew what was going to happen next.
No one was on Skype.
I had a new message on Twitter though.
"Ashton5SOS: Did you make it home alright? :)"
I'm not sure why but I was surprised Ashton messaged me.
"Me: Yeah, just got home!"
"Ashton: Great! So since the guys are still on break, we're doing a couple solo gigs in Cali. Interested in meeting up with us?"
It's like he knew I was just complaining about being bored.
"Me: That sounds fun! I'd love to! :)"
Louis is going to be mad isn't he? Well we're all just friends anyway. Maybe Louis and I have a special relationship but that doesn't mean I can't be friends with the other guys does it?
Sasha's POV:
"Do you want some more tea?" I asked Levi as I cleared his empty cup and plate from the nightstand by his bed. I'd become something like his personal maid over the past 2 days since we got back to California. I've been sleeping downstairs on his couch and looking after him. We've hardly spoke at all aside from yes or no questions. I didn't know if he was mad at me or was this part of the symptoms of his condition. He seemed to be getting a lot better very quickly, just as the doctor predicted. He was doing well enough that I wasn't even sure why I'm here anymore. He can take care of himself just fine. I hate to say it but I think I've grown to like being around him again. We were friends for a long time after all. I missed him. I didn't realize I could miss him again...
As I picked up his dishes I saw a huge basket of cleaning supplies in the corner of the room. "So you're still a clean freak?"
"I'm not a clean freak, I just like to keep things sanitary!"
"It must be driving you mad to not be able to dust your windowsil every 25 seconds." I joked but he didn't seem to be enjoying it. "I'm sorry."
"Well are you still obsessed with starchy foods?"
"It's just part of a nutritional diet, Levi!"
"Not that much though! I know that can't be healthy." He gestured for me to sit down on the edge of his bed and I accepted the invitiation. "How have you been? I mean, since we broke up?"
"I'm fine, I guess. How is your um, relationship with Eren?" He shrugged. I wasn't sure what that meant. "You know I miss when we used to talk like this. Like friends, you know?"
"I do too. We had a lot of fun together Sasha." I closed my eyes and looked away as I started remembering the things we used to do together. I couldn't take this.
"Do you want some more tea or not?" I stood up.
"No thank you." He answered. I was about to walk away when he reached for the sleeve of my cardigan and stopped me. "Sasha, wait." He said suddenly.
"Yes?" I turned and looked at him. Was he finally going to speak to me like a human?
"Thank you for everything you're doing. You don't have to do this, you know."
I smiled. "It's no problem."
"I mean, after the way I treated you I wouldn't expect you to be so understanding." He took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "Sasha I...I'm really sorry. I was stupid for letting you go." Ok, I didn't quite see that coming.
"W-what are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying I made a mistake."
"I...I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."
"I'm telling you I still love you and I didn't realize that until I saw you with Harry."
I was at a loss for words. I didn't want to date Levi anymore, I thought maybe we could still be friends but I don't even like him...or maybe I do... "Um..."
"I know I've been behaving badly but I only acted that way because I was jealous. I didn't know how else to keep you from that pretty boy."
"Harry's not...well one way you could have kept me from him is by not making out with Eren!" I scolded him.
"I love Eren but not the way I love you. I made a mistake, Sasha. I'd like a second chance with you?" Is he really asking me to get back together with him? This is ridiculous. "Unless you really love Harry then I'll understand..."
"No, I don't. I mean..." I sighed and looked away. "I can't just decide on something like this so soon. I need some time, Levi." He nodded in response. I walked away without another word. The way he went about this was sort of sweet but I wasn't sure if I could trust him again. To be honest with myself, I never stopped loving him. I washed the dishes and the laundry was done. I had nothing else to do but take some time for myself. I hadn't even checked my phone in the past two days since we've been home. I plugged it into the outlet behind the couch and leaned against the wall.
"12 New Messages"
"Harry_Styles: I know you told me not to bother you but I wanted to make sure you were alright. Is Levi going to be alright?"
"Harry_Styles: I guess you still don't want to talk to me. I'm sorry, Sasha."
"Harry_Styles: I'm sorry for screwing everything up."
"Harry_Styles: Are you still in the country? I'd like to see you again if you'd let me."
"Harry_Styles: I sent a fruit basket to the hospital but they said Levi was gone."
"Harry_Styles: I've been trying to find you but I can't. You weren't at your hotel so I had Paul check around."
"Harry_Styles: I guess you're back home. I hope you had a safe comfortable flight."
"Harry_Styles: It's been two days now..."
"Harry_Styles: You're really not going to talk to me again?"
"Harry_Styles: I understand."
"Harry_Styles: I wouldn't talk to me either."
"Harry_Styles: Take care Sasha"
"Harry_Styles: I love you xx"
I almost felt like crying. Two guys have told me they loved me today but I couldn't tell either of them the say. I wasn't sure who I loved anymore. Maybe I don't love anyone?
"Me: I'm sorry I didn't write you. My phone was dead."
"Harry_Styles: SASHA! :D"
"Me: Lol"
"Harry_Styles: Please talk to me"
"Me: I'm right here idiot."
"Harry_Styles: Where are you? Are you well?"
"Harry_Syles: Did either of them rape you?"
"Me: I'm home and...no! Good lord, Harry..."
"Me: How have you been?"
"Harry_Styles: Would you believe me if I said I was depressed and hadn't returned back to the hotel?"
"Me: What? Where are you?"
"Harry_Styles: California. I flew to my house in LA"
"Harry_Styles: Are you going to forgive me or would it be best if I just let you be?"
"Me: I forgive you, Harry."
"Harry_Styles: Do you think we can get together? We're only a few hours apart. I could come see you? Only if you want of course."
"Me: I don't know."
"Harry_Styles: Can I take you out for a meal?"
I set my phone down and sighed. I didn't know what to say. Part of me doesn't even want to answer him. He's actually sweet but...so is Levi...I'm so torn. I've had so much history with Levi, we've known each other for so long. He knows me better than some of my friends do. Of course Harry and I have anime in common...and I suppose I did have a massive crush on him a couple years ago. I can't make a decision like this.
Everything seemed complicated suddenly. The walls were closing in on me and I needed some air. I needed to be by myself and think about all this. They're two very good guys. I'd be stupid not to choose one of them.
Maybe it's time for a vacation...
(A/N) I'm gonna try to update more because we're really getting to the parts that I've been waiting to write forever.
OH.
WAIT.
BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT...
STEAL MY GIRL LEAKING?
SMG?
CAN WE TALK ABOUT IT.
IT'S SO...I JUST CAN'T.
IT'S PERFECT.
THE ABBA/70s STYLE PIANO IN THE BEGINNING IS NOT SOMETHING I WAS PREPARED FOR.
"Kisses like queen, her walk is so mean, and every jaw drops when she's in those jeans, alright? Alright."
"I don't exist if I don't have her, the sun doesn't shine, the world doesn't turn, alright? Alright."
THOSE ARE THE BEST LYRICS I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE OK.
THIS COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN A RAP SONG, YOU KNOW. IGGY AZALEA COULD HAVE BEEN SPITTING OUT THESE RHYMES AND JUST LET ONE DIRECTION DO THE "NA NA NA" PART.
I have no idea what I've just said.
Ok, I'm done losing my sheit now.