I remember the words that spilled from his lips when he left me. I remember the burn in my chest and the way my eyes couldn't get in focus from how many tears were pooling. I remember my days turned into nights and nights turned into days. The countless hours I'd stare at this screen wondering where I went wrong. I've been so fucked up ever since then. I don't know how to love without having fights, without being afraid that I'm never going to be enough.
I don't know how to trust that someone will stay and want to stay because he never made me feel that way. I felt like I was his dirty little secret, he never wanted anyone to know. I got so angry, so resentful and mean. I pushed people away from me because I didn't want anyone else to leave me. My heart still burns and aches from the rejection. I wanted to be everything for this man, I would have done anything for him but he didn't want me. Not publicly.
People ask me why I'm so scared to love like that again and it's because I've never really known a love that was passionate, kind and peaceful. I've known love that leaves pain and scars on your heart. I've known cries that I have to muffle with a pillow and the urge to throw up from distress. I've known self loathing for not being enough to make him stay.
Even writing this my stomach is churning and I can feel bile rising. I was so utterly consumed by the love I felt for this man, I lost myself when I lost him. I'm trying to redefine myself, learn myself all over again. Build a healthy relationship with myself and learn not to be so afraid.
Please be patient with me, I know I'm not someone who's easy to speak to, I know that I can be an asshole. I'm trying my best, even years after the events I still struggle at times. Forgive me.