#ILWTG31 Chapter 31
Walang wifi sa apartment. Nahihilo din ako sa amoy ng pintura. I stayed in a coffee shop overnight reading related cases and anything that could help me in the case. I had always disliked working on civil cases, but it seemed like the burden doubled because I was assigned to work with Yago. It was my fault—I passed the draft that Sancho prepared. Akala siguro nila sobrang galing ko na tipong kaya kong gumabay sa mga baguhan...
Lies have their own way of coming back to bite you in the ass.
Medyo nahihilo pa ako nang makarating ako sa office. Halos wala pang tao dahil maaga pa. Agad akong dumiretso sa pantry para uminom ng kape. I needed to wake up because I knew that this was going to be a long day.
I was holding my cup of coffee when I saw Yago already doing his readings. Hindi agad ako naka-galaw sa kinatatayuan ko. Should I greet him? Should I tell him to wait for me to finish my coffee? I didn't know how to move around him anymore.
It's just sad when familiarity is replaced with formality.
"H-Hi," I said when he stood up. Kita ko ang gulat sa mukha niya. "I'll just get my papers."
Tahimik siyang tumango. Huminga ako nang malalim bago ako pumunta sa cubicle ko. I gathered my things and nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa isa sa mga conference room para ma-discuss namin iyong case. Ramdam ko na tahimik siyang naka-sunod sa akin.
"The lower court decided that the contract was rescinded—" I said, but paused when I realized that he wasn't listening. He was just staring at my face as though he was memorizing every contour of it. Agad akong huminga nang malalim. "Atty. Gomez de Liaño," pagtawag ko sa atensyon niya. "I need you to focus."
He nodded. "Right. I'm sorry, Atty. Floresca."
I strengthened the imaginary crease on my skirt as I continued to discuss the decision and how I thought we could argue our appeal. The cases that Sancho sent me were very helpful. Malakas ang tiwala ko na maipapanalo namin iyong appeal... And I badly needed this win. I wanted to make a name for myself. I knew I should work hard for this. Kasi sila Jax? They're working for whatever they have. I should, too.
"Are we clear?"
He nodded. "Crystal."
"Okay, good. Our client requested that we meet them in their hotel later at 2pm. I'll see you then, Atty.," I said as I gathered my things and went out of the office.
And I couldn't help but be proud of myself.
I did it.
Hindi ako na-tanga.
Dumiretso ako pabalik sa cubicle. Nakita ko si Yago na kinuha na naman iyong laptop niya. Nakita ko siya na naglakad papunta sa fire exit. Magta-trabaho na naman siguro sa rooftop. I didn't want to stop him. I didn't even want him here. He shouldn't be here. He should let me have my own space.
Tahimik akong nagtrabaho hanggang sa kailangan na naming umalis. But before I left, pumunta muna ako sa opisina ni Jax. He was there, as usual, buried in his piles of work.
"Hey," I said. He looked at me. I could see the guilt in his eyes. "Free ka later? I'll treat you ng dinner."
"Why?" he asked.
"Apology. I'm sorry I snapped. I was just... mad, okay? But you shouldn't be at the receiving end of my anger. I understand your position. But I hope you try to understand where I'm coming from. Alam ko namang naiintindihan mo. Pareho naman tayo ng pinagdaanan, 'di ba?" I asked although our difference was, he knew why Katherine left him... Where I was just left with no reason... Made me go crazy thinking what was so wrong with me that he left without so much as an explanation...
But that's all in the past.
I just wanted to be better.
"Yeah... I'm sorry. I promise hindi ka na namin pinag-uusapan."
Pinigilan ko na matawa. Chismoso pa rin silang dalawa. "Whatever. I just don't want to be ambushed. But I'll see you later, okay?" I asked before I closed the door to let him get back to his work.
Nang matapos kong kausapin si Jax, hindi ko alam kung aakyat ba ako para tawagin si Yago... but I couldn't exactly call him because I didn't have his number. I didn't want to ask for his number... but I knew that I had to. This was work. I needed to learn how to separate personal from professional.
I looked at my watch. We really needed to leave because I didn't want to be late for the appointment. Aakyat na sana ako nang makita ko siyang palabas. He halted when he saw me.
"I'll just get my things," he said. I merely nodded and stood and waited for him. Nang matapos siya, sabay kaming naglakad papunta sa elevator. I clenched my fist as memories started to flash inside my head. This... us... waiting for the goddamned elevator. Parang hindi ako maka-hinga. Gusto kong umalis, pero hindi pwede. Nandito siya. Kailangan ko siyang harapin. Kasi trabaho 'to.
"Mauna ka na," he said when the door opened. "I left something. Susunod agad ako."
I could feel my whole body trembling as I took a step inside. Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha sa mata ko. I hated this. I hated how easily I could associate the little things with him. How easily he could make me lose breath just by standing beside me. How easily he could break me by saying a single word.
Kasi hindi biro 'yung pinagsamahan namin. Apat na taon... ang tagal... pero nauwi sa wala.
"May sasakyan ka ba?" I asked. I didn't have a car anymore. It's one of the things that I sold. I didn't need it anymore. Sa opisina at apartment lang naman ako pumupunta. My father was far more important than the car. I didn't regret doing what I did just to prolong his life.
Yago just nodded. Sumunod ako sa kanya hanggang makarating kami sa tapat ng sasakyan niya. It's the same car. Agad akong napa-pikit. I didn't like how the memories of us were attacking me like this.
"We can just take a taxi if you want," he said.
Umiling ako. "No," I said. I reminded myself that I needed to be professional. This was work. I wouldn't let Yago meddle with my work.
Pagdating namin sa hotel, dumiretso kami sa restaurant habang naghihintay sa pagdating ng kliyente. Tahimik lang ako. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. This... this was the very restaurant where we dined before—
He's just... he's just really everywhere.
I looked at him as he stared at me. His mouth weren't saying a word, but his eyes did all the talking. He was looking at me like he was begging me to listen... but I just didn't see the sense of learning his reason. Kasi ano ba ang magagawa nun? Maiintindihan ko siya... siguro... pero wala na. Nasira na kung anuman ang meron kami.
"Good afternoon," the client, Mr. Sy, said. I stood up and took his hand. Naupo kami. Ipinaliwanag ko sa kanila iyong mga mangyayari para sa appeal. I told them that there's a big chance of having the decision overturned because there was no violation on our part, at least that's what the law provides.
It was just a short meeting dahil may mga kailangan din silang kausapin habang nandito sila sa Manila. We quickly bade our goodbye.
"Atty. Floresca," he called.
"What?"
"Do you have time?"
Agad akong napa-hinto at napa-buntong hininga habang naka-tingin sa kanya. I pursed my lips as I stared at him.
"I told you—"
"Ellie. Do you want to see you?"
Agad na umawang ang labi ko. Agad na bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Naka-tingin ako sa kanya na parang hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang mga naririnig ko.
"W-What?"
"Millie's on a vacation," he said and I felt that familiar ache inside me again. That feeling of betrayal. It would forever have a space inside me. "We can go see her... if you want."
Gusto ko siyang tanungin.
Kung bakit.
Pero bakit pa?
"Okay," I said... because my feelings didn't matter. I needed to see my sister... I needed to remind her how much I love her... how much our father loves her...
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kaba habang tinatahak namin ang daan papunta sa kung saan man naka-tira si Millie. I didn't know where she lived... I just didn't have the resources to find her anymore. And I didn't have the strength.
"I should warn you," he said as his eyes were steady on the road, but he managed to spare a second to glance at me. "Millie... she told Ellie things about you and your father. How you two abandoned her."
Agad akong napa-pikit.
Agad akong napa-hugot ng hininga.
"She told Ellie that you didn't want her. She'll be hard to talk to."
Hinawakan ko ang kamay ko. I knew this would break my heart... but better mine than my father. I needed to remind Ellie of our family... Na hindi totoo na iniwan namin siya... kasi kinuha siya... na humihingi ng pasensya si ate kasi nung kinuha siya, hindi ko na rin alam iyong gagawin ko... Nagka-sakit si Papa... Iniwan ako ni Yago... Wala na akong lakas nung kunin siya sa 'kin... Hindi na ko naka-laban...
"I tried to tell her that it's not true, but she won't listen."
"It's okay."
"About the custody—"
"I don't want to talk about it."
I didn't want to talk with him about it. Sancho already promised me that he'd help me appeal Ellie's custody once she turns seven. Sandali na lang 'yun. I needed to fix our relationship first. Alam ko na mas magiging maayos si Papa kapag nakita niya si Ellie...
And... and I knew that I'd never win the case.
What hurt me was that it was him who helped her.
Him who was supposed to have my back... but in the end, he was the one who stabbed me.
Nang huminto ang sasakyan niya, mas lalo akong nakaramdam ng kaba. Si Ellie... I could see her playing on the yard. She looked so big now...
"I'll talk to her first, okay?" Yago asked and I nodded without peeling my eyes from my sister. She grew up too fast... ni hindi ko man lang nakita...
Pinanood ko ang bawat paggalaw niya. Iyong ngiti sa mukha niya nang makita niya si Yago. Kung paano niya yakapin si Yago. Kung paano kumunot ang noo niya nang may sabihin sa kanya si Yago. Kung paano iyon napalitan ng sakit... hanggang sa tumakbo siya pabalik sa loob ng bahay.
My shoulders were shaking as I tried to hold it all in... but it's hard. It's hard to see your own sister hate so much... and you couldn't do anything about it because in her mind, you abandoned her... kahit gustung-gusto mo siyang makita... pero wala kang magawa kasi wala kang karapatan...
I took deep breaths as I got out of the car.
"I'll talk to her," I said as I wiped the tears from my face. Yago just nodded and I walked inside the house. Hindi ko mapigilan na mapa-tingin sa paligid. They're... they're living so comfortably... And it should be okay. She's my sister... but I couldn't help but feel bad for my father who's living in a small house—poles apart from the way he lived... before Millie caused havoc in our lives.
Nakita ko si Ellie na naka-dapa sa sofa.
"Ellie..." I called her. I saw her stiffen. "Ellie, can you talk to Ate?"
I continued to stare at her and listen to my heart breaking.
"Ellie... you know that I missed you, right? That if I could, I would've talked to you sooner, right?" I paused and tried to recollect myself. "Things just didn't go according to plan, but you understand me, right? You're a smart girl..."
She didn't move an inch.
But I wouldn't give up on her.
"Nami-miss ka na ni Papa... Do you miss him? Naalala mo pa dati na palaging nakikipaglaro sa 'yo si Papa kahit mabilis siyang mapagod? Tapos nilalagyan mo pa siya ng makeup na kinuha mo sa bag ng mama mo?"
I saw her shoulders shaking.
"Ellie, I miss you... 'Wag ka ng magalit sa 'kin, ha? Alam mo naman na love kita, 'di ba? Love ka namin ni Papa... Gusto ka niyang makita... 'Wag ka ng magalit..."
I sat there and watched as she fought the whimpers.
I sat and waited.
And she sat and looked at me, her face was covered with tears. Her lips were quivering as she tried to hold the tears.
"You didn't even say goodbye when I left," she said.
"I'm sorry..."
I couldn't even move back then. I barely remember crying day in and day out... wondering why Yago left me... that I couldn't even say goodbye to Ellie when she was taken from me... I felt like everything was taken from me when Yago decided to leave...
"You didn't even open the door when I knocked."
"Ellie, I'm sorry... May problema lang nun si Ate."
"Mama said you don't love me."
"No. You know I love you. We love you."
She looked at me. I hated seeing her cry like this... she's just a kid.
"Where's Papa?"
Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya? Paano ko ipapaliwanag iyong sitwasyon ni Papa?
"Do you wanna see him?"
She bit her lip. "I don't know... Mama will get mad..."
Agad akong napa-pikit. Gaano ba siya kasama? Gaano siya kasama na ni hindi niya magawang papuntahin si Ellie kay Papa? He couldn't even move. He's in that situation because of her... Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nakakayang gawin 'to sa amin... Kahit kay Papa na lang na binigay naman sa kanya lahat...
"Then, we'll keep it as a secret? Is that okay with you?" I asked as I kept on wiping the tears that wouldn't stop falling.
She looked at me, biting her lips, before nodding. "Okay..."
Yago told me na babalik na iyong nag-aalaga kay Ellie kaya kailangan naming bumalik. Hindi ko maintindihan... paano nagawa ni Millie na magbakasyon? Ang iwan si Ellie sa hindi naman niya kaano-ano? Hindi ko siya maintindihan.
I kept on crying inside his car. I didn't know how to stop. I felt bad... for everything... I wanted to go back in time when everything was still good... hindi ngayon na parang lahat sira... o may lamat... Ang sakit.
"Thank you," I said. "I don't know why you did that... but thank you."
And when we reached the stoplight, I could feel his eyes on me. Ramdam ko ang pagmasid niya sa bawat galaw ko. I could feel his hands hesitating to reach me... to touch me... but he knew he couldn't.
"I hate what I did to you... but that's the only way to save you," he said before the lights turned green.