It was hardly any different than usual during the time between dinner and when everyone decided it was time to drift away to bed. There was the same carelessness hanging in the air, the same sleepiness that accompanied the winding down of each day. I sat by myself as usual, pushed off to a secluded corner to watch the others. I've never minded it before, and I still hardly mind it now.
There's something to be said about solitary.
My knees drawn to my chest, I watched Alexander happily. Serene night air blew in from the open window next to me, a gentle breeze that played with my hair. Outside, the crickets and the owls sang, and though I usually enjoyed their music on calm nights like tonight, they only bothered me as I tried to catch every word that Alexander spoke. I didn't want to miss a single one in fear I may never hear it again from his perfect voice.
He, Lafayette, and Hercules were all having a conversation about something that seemed to touch home for all of them. I wasn't exactly sure what it was about, but I think it had something to do with differences between Perriterra and their respective homes.
An impressive feat considering I'd hardly seen Lafayette and Hercules have a civil conversation since their breakup.
I really did enjoy watching Alexander talk. The way he puts all of his emotion and passion behind even the simplest of conversations was never something I was able to resist, even if he was arguing with me. And his eyes would always light up with that fiery excitement as he spoke, convincing and persuading and arguing or even just explaining.
Damn, do I fall hard.
I was vaguely aware of the presence that had appeared next to me as I sat alone, watching Alexander with a feeling I didn't understand myself, let alone describe. But as wonderful as it was, it was coupled with the dread and anxiety that exploded through my veins whenever I remembered that I was a ticking bomb with a limited amount of time to enjoy the things I enjoy and care for the people I care for
"Uh oh."
I didn't bother looking up, recognizing that voice immediately. "What's wrong?"
James sat down next to me. "You've got that look in your eyes. What did you fuck up now?"
"Your confidence in me is overwhelming."
"Yeah, well, I do try."
The teasing jest was enough to get me to half smile and look over at him. "What do you want?"
"Something's wrong," he returned, his gaze following where mine had been.
I sighed and lowered my head, dread building in my body. "I did something horrible."
James didn't even hesitate before jumping to his first conclusion. "You murdered an innocent?!"
"What?" I frowned, looking back up at him. "N-no. Nothing that bad."
"Oh. Well, then what happened?"
I glanced around, searching to see if anybody was watching or within earshot to listen in, but everyone else was too occupied with themselves and hardly paying us any attention.
"I fell in love," I whispered. It became so much more real by saying it out loud. The confession was freeing and burdening at the same time. I had told someone, which was somewhat relieving, but now the shame and full realization of what I was dooming us to hit with all of its power.
He remained quiet for a moment before letting out a soft breathy sigh. "Thomas..."
"I know. I know."
"You swore off that kind of stuff."
"I know!" I hissed at him, careful to keep my voice down. "But I couldn't stop myself! It's not like I wanted to! One moment, everything was fine and happy, and the next—"
"Okay! Hey, it's going to be alright." He placed his hand on my back, something he only did when I lingered seconds away from having a mental breakdown. The touch was comforting in a way, but I knew I should shrug it off and deny it. "Well, do they know?"
"Worse. He reciprocates," I murmured. I felt totally hopeless, and part of that was reflected in his face.
James groaned softly. "Why do you keep putting yourself in these situations?"
"Because I apparently hate myself."
"May I ask who it is?"
I only glanced over at Alexander as his perfect, adorable laugh filled the room. It reminded me of a chorus of the most beautiful songbirds, singing about how wonderful life was. I didn't mean to, but I couldn't help the smile that drifted to my face as I watched him.
James must have followed my gaze, because I felt his hand on my back fall. "Oh Divinity," he cursed, horror creeping into his tone as the realization hit him. "Is it Ale—"
"Keep your voice down!"
"Sorry."
"You fell for Alexander?"
"I never meant to, okay? But I fell. And when I fall—"
"You fall hard," he finished, his words trailing away as he stared in front of him. The magnitude of the situation we were in settled in. James had been through it all with me; if anyone knew how horrible what I did was, it's him.
I buried my face into my knees, basking in the darkness. "I am one hundred percent fucked."
"Thomas, you know that there are multiple reasons why you can't go through with this. One, he's a married man. Or at least, he was a married man. And your mother will never let you break tradition to marry someone who was already sworn away to someone else. Two, we are fighting together in a war, and we cannot afford to let something as unimportant as love to get in the way of something as important as fighting. Three..."
It was a usual tradition, to listen to him go on and on about all the things I was doing wrong. It was the grounding that I needed, no matter how much I hated it.
But then I risked a glance up at Alexander, who was now talking to Eliza, and every concern melted away and disappeared before I could even reach to grab hold of them.
James's voice went soft. "But he makes you happy, doesn't he?"
I covered my eyes with my sleeve, nodding slowly.
A string of silence followed before James gently set his hand on his back once more. "I've noticed it recently. I think I had kind of pieced it together anyway. You just have seemed... brighter."
I nodded again, unable to speak for a few minutes. I drew in a long shaky breath. "I never wanted this to happen."
"It's going to be okay Thomas. We can figure this out. You're allowed to be happy, alright? And if he makes you smile, then why in the world would you chase that away?"
I looked up at him, and his gentle smile was convincing all in its own.
"What are you going to do now?"
"I have no clue."
"How long have you two been... courting?"
I flinched as he said it. "Please don't call it that. It sounds too forced. Just dating is fine. And about a month or two now."
"Dating?" James asked, frowning. "Well, alright, I guess. What will you do when your mother finds out?"
"She isn't going to."
James looked torn, but to his credit, he said nothing. He only sighed, the signature hint that he was disappointed with me or I was doing something wrong.
Silence lingered for a while after that. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable; we had known each other far too long for that.
"Thomas?" he asked quietly. He sounded somber, his voice low. "I know we joke around a lot about how much we dislike each other and stuff, but I have never once felt like that towards you. I'm glad to be your friend, okay? I wouldn't give it up for the world."
"Eww. Enough with the heartfelt stuff. It's gross coming from you."
"You're a bitch."
And just like that, the mood was lost, but his words still stuck with me. "Thank you, James. It means a lot."
"If anyone else finds out that I said that, I will not hesitate to murder you."
"Duly noted. Glad we're on the same page."
I found myself relaxing in the gentle glow of the fireplace, which had just been lit. The lively temperament had mostly decreased as most people had trickled away off to their separate rooms. I caught Alexander staring at me and flashed him a small smile. He smiled back, cheeks turning a little red.
"Well, uh," James said as he stood up; he must have sensed that Alex was waiting for him to leave. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow." He stopped for a second. "No sex. Of any kind. I draw the line there."
The absolute suddenness of the statement completely caught me off guard. It took me a few seconds to process what he was saying and respond. "James!"
"What?"
I looked at the floor. "It's nothing that serious."
"It always starts off like that."
"Shut up."
"Well, it do—"
"Shut up."
James shrugged and walked away. "Goodnight."
"See you later," I responded, and it didn't take long for Alexander to cross the room and sit down next to me. I had to laugh at the total lack of suave he had while doing it.
"Are you heading off to bed soon?" His tone indicated that he wanted to go with me.
"I want to stay out here a little longer."
Alexander flashed me a smile and moved an inch or two closer to me. "Well, I guess I'll stay with you then. If I have to."
I swatted his arm and looked up.
"Why are you still up?" I asked Jo–Philip, who was the only one still awake besides the two of us and Eliza.
"Because I'm not a child and I don't have a bedtime so fuck you."
It makes me wonder why I never suspected that he was Alexander's child before.
"Okay, I'm sorry," Philip quickly apologized, sounding incredibly sincere. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that."
And there's the Eliza in him.
I arched an eyebrow at Philip.
"I'm just trying to master this stupid spell."
"Would you like some help?" I asked, patting the ground in front of me and Alexander.
"No offense intended but no."
"And why's that?"
"Because you scare me sometimes. You kinda just throw things at me first and explain them second."
I laughed. "I won't do that this time, I promise. You can trust me."
Philip still looked wary, but he joined us regardless. I noticed Eliza looking up from the book she was reading to watch us.
"What are you trying to do?"
"Remember yesterday when you were telling me about those spells where you summon the energy from inside of yourself and manifest it into that giant thing that does stuff? I can't figure out how to do that."
"Alright, well, first, calm down. You can't use energy when your mind is bouncing around."
Philip nodded and closed his eyes. His body relaxed and he rested his hands on his knees, the signature sign of trying to find all of the energy. It took time and deep concentration to see everything, to step back and see the bigger picture that was necessary for learning.
"Can you see the energy?"
"Yes, Thomas. I'm not four," he snapped, but his brow furrowed immediately after and he mumbled a quick apology.
I know how selfish and stupid it was that I hated how jealous his very existence made me. Philip was the perfect combination of the sweetest girl you will ever meet and the most fiery and snappy boy that has ever existed, and where could you go from there? They could have been a perfect family, they could have had everything that they wanted as long as they were together. They were like a circle, complete and endless.
And what does that make me?
"There's energy inside of you as well as outside," I plodded on, hoping to ignore the ugly feeling. "You need to find it and control it."
"How do I do that?"
"When you reach out to the energy around you, you can see and feel it, correct?"
"Yeah."
"Well, reach inside of you. It's no different than searching for it on the outside."
Philip opened an eye to peer at me, and he didn't look too convinced.
"Try it," I offered, keeping my voice gentle.
He let nodded and closed his eye again. A long exhale escaped his mouth, but once again, his body softened. I reached out to the energy too and felt his searching and poking around like a bird foraging for food.
"Find what you're created of," I advised quietly so as not to break the flow. "Find the energy that's deep inside of you, keeping you alive."
At my instruction, I felt Philip's energy being pulled away, inhaled like a breath. But he didn't halt in his concentration. As much as I wanted to see if he was doing it right, invading into other people's energy was not only rude and invasive, but also dangerous for both parties involved. I didn't want to break his focus, either.
So instead, I let my mind wander into my body, searching for my own life force. It was a much different experience then it had ever been before.
Silence filled the room, and I would have much rather had the gentle playing of piano or even flute in the background to keep me somewhat calm with my search. Birdsong would be comforting as well, but instead, I was losing my focus with my frustration and growing horror.
The energy inside of me was limited, surrounding itself around a dark cloud that I couldn't quite make out. Whether that was the poison that the sword was tipped with or the growing darkness inside of me, I didn't know.
All I knew was that it was eating away at me slowly.