"Oh my!" My aunt exclaimed, as she almost smothered me. "My baby is all grown up."
"I know right?" My uncle chimed in. "Its like it was just yesterday when she went straight into the wall like that Harry Batter movie when she was learning cycling."
And then suddenly, as in on cue, my entire family just turned up from out of nowhere like those centipedes in the Anaconda movie and began talking about my most embarrassing moments.
"You've become so pretty." My grandmother said, as though she were seeing me for the first time in a long time, while it was only two days ago that the entire lot of them had pestered me for a 'treat' for my wedding and completely emptied my wallet. "You are the most beautiful bride, ever."
"True,true", my best,evilest and demon friend Meera said, as two drops of tears fell from her eyes and she daintily wiped them off with the designer handkerchief that she'd bought to go with her lehenga outfit for the wedding.
"What the heck are those fake tears for?" I asked.
"Shush, shush. The photographer is taking candids now, I got to give justice to my role as the bride's best friend." She said, as she wiped another tear off her face while solemnly smiling at me.
Yes, here I was, at the craziest wedding ever, getting married to the craziest guy ever, surrounded by crazy people, and I wouldn't change a thing (perhaps except for some extra starters in the menu).
"I've even prepared a drink for you." She said, as she handed over a glass containing some wine. "The last few minutes as a bachelorette. Cheers to you." I took a sip and spit it out, I was certainly not expecting plain water.
"Dude, I sneaked in some beer but your annoying cousins stole it. Pretend it's a drink,lol." She said. "And say something."
I did exactly that.
"Finally, my dreams are coming true. I've always known I'd get married quite easily, given my charm, but I didn't expect to be married so soon. It's like all my childhood dreams are finally coming true. I've always wanted to be an aunty ever since I was a little girl. Once I am married, I am going to embrace my aunty identity to the fullest. I will wear coloured bindi and host kitty parties every week, I will go to sewing groups and learn crochet while I gossip to my heart's content!" I said. To be honest, I was a puddle of emotions, realising that I was one step away from my lifelong dream.
"Hear,hear." Meera said.
My cool aunt who was standing beside me, while the beautician was finishing up my makeup, gave a small chuckle. "I am sorry to burst your bubble but you aren't allowed into the elite aunty club."
"Huh, why so!" I said.
"You are just a nouveau riche aunty. All that you are entitled to do is post whatsapp forwards on facebook. You will be admitted to the elite aunties club and serve samosa on the weekends only if you provide fifty juicy gossip every month for two years."
"What! What about my dreams!"
However, there was a commotion and it was clear that it was time for me to go to the stage. I wore a peacock-blue kanjivaram silk saree with a maroon colour blouse. There was a smog of holy smoke in the entire area, coupled with the general chatter of the people. I approached the panigraha(the area where the ceremony takes place) and almost burst into laugher looking at the scene.
Rudra was sitting wearing the light blue shirt he'd selected for himself. But the funny thing was that he was sitting like on of those people on a totem pole, frozen with fear and his mouth was etched into a weird comical clowny grin.
"I thought you'd never arrive." He declared.
"You look just like how I look when you take a photograph of me." I said.
"I was fooling around." He said. "But the priest told me to sit still."
"Serves you right."
"I pretend the holy smoke is the priest vaping. He's like the last airbender but cooler." He said.
"Rudra, are you okay with becoming an uncle?"
"Am I not already an uncle to your annoying sister's annoying kids?" He said, while the priest was chanting the holy mantras and the people in the audience were laughing and talking amongst themselves.
"True, but not in that sense. More like, hosting kitty parties, serving samosa and jalebi, that kinda stuff."
"Hmm...you are an evil woman, springing this during the wedding and not before. I quite understand your agenda you evil lady...since I am a cutlet guy myself." He said.
"Cutlet is good but doesn't go well on it's own. It's not a complementary dish." I said.
"It's perfectly a standalone dish, you should get your mouth checked."
"You should get your brain checked." I said.
To everyone that was noticing us, we could have been reciting sonnets, declaring our undying love for each other, but we were just arguing about cutlet on our wedding. That was me and Rudra, we argued, we bantered, but we had fun. We did our own thing, and we loved it.
An aunty poked her head into our field of vision and injected. "No need to talk so much now. You can talk all you want after the wedding!"
Another aunty with a sparkly necklace said, "as if they will be talking!"
The ladies clapped their hands and threw back their heads and laughed like it was the most hilarious thing ever, but this was the most overused joke in indian weddings. I had been hearing versions of this joke at different weddings for the past 20 years. I loved it, and I couldn't wait to crack cringy jokes in a public place and get away with it.
Meera sat next to me on the ground. "Your sister was supposed to sit next to you but her kid spilled some chocolate all over him."
"Were you the one that gave him?" I asked her.
"I mean, considering I maxxed out my cards for this dress, I might as well appear in all of the photos." Meera said.
I nodded understandingly. "Yeah,same."
"I like how you are affirming without actually affirming." Rudra said, straining his neck towards us, while his face was still plastered with the fake grin towards the audience.
"What did you say, Mr Freeze Face?" Meera retored, and after getting a 'sshhhh' from the priest(who was still chanting his mantras),went around and sat next to the groom.
"Dude, you can call me that, but when the pictures come out, I am going to be the one looking most chill. I wasn't a model for nothing, you know." He said.
"Then why have I never seen you in anything?" She asked him.
"I appeared only in high end catalouges ,that's why." He said with the familiar trademark annoying grin that I loved(but never admitted out loud).
There was a sudden blaring of music and the time had come for him to tie a knot around my neck. Frankly the moments passing were a bit of a blur, and I did faintly remember walking around the holy fire a few time but it's all a muddle in my brain.
What I do remember is the little drops of water that fell from my eyes, and the congratulations from the audience, the laughs, the applause and the joy from the crowd.
"Finally!" Rudra whispered in my ears. I nodded.
My sister, my parents, Meera, everyone gave me a hug and the two of us fell at a lot of elder's weddings. It was all very nice.
"Get me some water,Meera." I said, but there was absolutely no one in sight except for me, Rudhra and the poor priest. Somewhere within the gap of two minutes, before Rudhra and I could lift our heads up bowing to the last elder, everyone had vanished.
"Umm...the lunch table's open." The priest said. "I think we are almost done now." He said, looking at the dining room where an entire king kong island of a chorus of laugher was heard. "Now if you could hurry, I can have lunch-I mean, leave to do my work."
"It's okay uncle. I heard the caterer's halva was very good." Rudra said.
"It's not just the halva. He cooks his vegetables in butter. He's just too generous it." The priest, already dreaming of his lunch.
Rudra and I nodded. This was it. We were married now. What had started with a punch to the face with a cactus plant had culminated in this. Life was funny. It wasn't Rudra anymore. It wasn't Sam anymore. It was Sam and Rudra. It was us.
"Oh, everyone." Rudhra said, clutching my hands tightly as we made our way towards the hall. "Wait for us."
A/N:
HIT DAT STAR