When Jim “Jimmy” Tagle entered to work at ALK Barber Shop, he became the subject of his co-workers’ gay jokes.
“Wow! Bongga your hair!” Ben, the funny barber, would say referring to Jimmy’s long blond hair.
“Girlaloo girlaloo girlaloo laloo laloo…” Voltaire would hum along seeing Jimmy arriving at the shop.
“You’re sexier than my damn wife!” Bong, the newest barber, would comment Jimmy’s thin body.
“Oh my…you move more feminine than I am,” Chit, the receptionist-cashier-janitress, once said seeing Jimmy cleaning his cutting area.
“Jimmy! Want a free blo*w-job?” Cesar, the muscular barber, would give the grossiest insult.
The only one who never teased him was Ferdinand, the barber who was old enough to say such jokes.
Jimmy didn’t take his colleagues’ jokes seriously. If that was how they would befriend him, then let them be. Jimmy knew for himself that he wasn’t gay. I’m damn straight! Who could blame the other barbers teasing him? He had an overall package of that of a faggot. He was as slim as Mother Ricky Reyes and his hair was heavily dyed like that of Tim Yap.
He would only disagree when people in ALK would call him ‘Jimmy’ while his real name was plainly ‘Jim’. It was only in ALK that he had been called such. I got a short name and they’re complicating things adding up another syllable. Argh! But as time passed by, he was used to it. ‘Jimmy’ was better than ‘Jim Jim’, a name that a customer once called him.
Jimmy grew up in a squatters’ area in Brgy. Bata. He had never seen his parents and he grew up never wanting to see them. His grandmother raised him. All he knew about his parents, as told by his Lola Maring, was that they separated when he was just an infant and they explored the whole wide world in search of themselves.
Lola Maring owned a sari-sari store. Every afternoon, people would swarm at the store to drink tuba or play pusoy dos. Jimmy, as a young boy, would help his grandma look after the store. It was there that he adapted neatness. He arranged the de latas, chichiryas, noodles, and other dry goods very well such that people would be attracted to buy.
He was not malnourished. The reason why he was thin all his life was Lola Maring’s tuberculosis. With the populated area where they lived, the disease was common. If only he had a mother who was responsible enough to bring him to the health center when he was a baby and have his BCG vaccine. It was too late. He was already exposed to the bacilli and was treated with Kid’s Kit.
The mycobacterium finally killed Lola Maring when Jimmy was in high school. Since then, Jimmy was alone and continued his grandma’s mini-business. He couldn’t afford college education. He was a bum after graduating high school.
As a sideline, he tried to cut his neighbor’s hair and earned 10 pesos per head. He had no experience in cutting hair. He did it out of desperation to add something for his weekly budget. His first works were horrible and he catered only kids. But as he mastered the craft, he began having adult customers. He even had women.
It was an uncle of one of his customers in the squatters’ area, who invited him to work at ALK Barber Shop in Brgy. Villamonte. That man was a regular suki of ALK that time. With his expertise, Jimmy was immediately hired by Mr. Gonzaga, the owner of the barber shop.
Lola Maring’s Sari-Sari Store was closed. Jimmy sold the house in Bata since he was tired of the sqatter’s life. He rented a small apartment in Villamonte.
Maybe, one reason why his fellow barbers kept on making fun of him was that, many costumers liked Jimmy and he always got larger tips.
One day, a rich-looking man entered the barber shop and, being a phenomenon, those barbers who had no costumers yet alerted themselves to serve the man who might give them a big tip. Ferdinand and Jimmy had customers. The other four prepared themselves.
“Haircut Sir?” chorused the four.
“Yes but…I’m waiting for my son,” the customer said.
“You may seat for a while, Sir,” Chit said who was sweeping the mountains of hair on the floor.
“Thank you.”
When Jimmy was done with his customer, the rich-looking man suddenly stood up and went to his cutting area.
“Barber’s cut please,” Jimmy’s new customer requested.
As Jimmy began to work, his fellow barbers were backbiting him.
Damn that faggot!
He always gets the best customer.
I thought he’s waiting for his son? Was that an alibi?
He might give him as much as the fee.
On the other hand, Jimmy was thinking, Seems like I can’t take a break. His stomach was thundering.
The price for ordinary haircut that time was already 50 Php for students and 60 Php for regulars. After the cutting his hair, the rich-looking customer gave Jimmy a violet bill.
“Thank you Sir, come again,” Jimmy said as he inserted his 100 pesos in his pocket.
“I will.”
When the customer was out, Cesar, whose cutting area was beside Jimmy’s, broke from silence.
“Hey Fanny Serrano…what’s you’re secret huh? Why do you always have the richest customers?”
“I dunno,” Jimmy replied. “Maybe it’s my being Fanny Serrano.”
Cesar gave a sarcastic laugh.
After a few minutes, another rich-looking customer sat at Jimmy’s cutting area.
Jimmy had a girlfriend, a waitress in a KTV bar.
“Babes, I want your hair red…too much of the brown days,” Cookie told Jimmy one night in the bar. Jimmy would go the place every night after work.
“What?!” Jimmy replied almost spilling the beer. “I dyed my hair with this color from bluish last month and now you want me become a brunette?”
“Do it…please…red hair makes me horny nowadays…”
Jimmy’s girlfriend had admitted that her fetish was colored hair. It was weird and Jimmy couldn’t adapt to it at first. When they made love, Cookie would lick his hair hungrily or rub her p*ssy on the colored strands. What kind of a woman fell in love with me?
“NO WAY! My friends at the barber shop already think that I’m gay…because of this damn hair!”
Silence.
Sobs.
Growls.
“WELL THEN! NO RED HAIR, NO S*X!”
It was loud. But the voice of a drunken man singing Frank Sinatra’s My Way at the table nearby overcame Cookie’s mouth.
“Shhh…alright…okay…fine…red hair…”
Cookie jumped joyfully like a little girl winning in jackstone. Then she returned to her barber lover and whispered slowly in his ears, “Exhaust me tonight. I wanna make love to your brown hair one last time…”
“You’ve been here before, right?” Jimmy asked his customer one evening. Plus Chit, they were the only ones left in the shop. Closing time of ALK was 7pm. The late customer arrived around 6:45 and poor Jimmy decided to serve.
“Yup! Twice I think,” the customer replied. He was young, a college guy. He was wearing an all-white uniform.
“What’s your course?”
“Nursing.”
“Good choice! Nurses are in demand abroad, right?”
“Uhoh, goin’ the flow.”
“T’was my dream to be a nurse. But we got no money. So this is my fate.” Lola Maring, if I would be a nurse someday, I will cure your TB.
“Don’t say that…at least you’re not begging on the streets.”
Laughs.
“How much is the tuition per semester nowadays?” Jimmy asked.
“Running 25?”
“Thousand?”
“Yes. And the student population is high.
“Ouch! That’s a big money. Nursing schools are getting’ richer and richer?”
Laughs.
The cutting session ended at 7:30. Jimmy was in a hurry after signing out at the shop. Cookie sent a text message: Hury, pusy wnts ur birdie & ur red nest.
His last customer was the only one who didn’t give him a tip that day.
There was one instance that Jimmy announced that he’s a member of the third sex, for a purpose.
Bong had a customer who went to ALK with a girlfriend. The customer was a huge muscular man who ordered a military cut. He could have refered him to Cesar, napping on his cutting chair, who is good at military cuts. But the costumer sat on his cutting area as he entered and with his giant of an overall package, Bong began to cut as soonn as possible.
All the barbers in the shop agreed in their minds that Bong’s customer’s GF was something they wished to screw on bed. The woman wore tight spaghetti straps revealing her coconuts and clean cleavage, not to mention her red mini skirt. But then, the crush of the shop was none other than Bong. The barbers were expecting the woman to go flirting with the youngest barber.
In the middle of bong’s cutting, his customer’s GF stood up and tapped him.
“Excuse me boy…where’s the CR?” She looked on him straight to the eyes which made Bong uncomfortable.
“Uhm…that door Ma’am…over there…”
“Thank you.” The woman passed by him and seemed to push on him her b*obs.
“AHEM!” Bong’s customer muttered.
Bong continued to cut hair. After five minutes, the woman returned and to Bong’s surprise, she cupped his butt suddenly as she passed by him. Whatta f*ck! Oh God, not again…don’t you tease me b*tch! As Bong looked back, he saw a pink hanky on his feet. Whore! She dropped it on purpose.
“Ma’am is this yours?” Bong said forcively.
“Oh yes. Oh thank you dear boy.”
As Bong handed the hankerchief, there was a sudden crash. Bong’s customer had smashed the front mirror to pieces. Chit screamed. The other barbers stopped cutting. A customer ran out terrified.
“HEY BARBER! YOU SON OF A B*TCH! WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH MY FIANCEE?” the angry customer said.
“Flirting? I wasn’t…I don’t do that Sir. She-”
“FUCK OFF! I SAW YOU MOTH*RF*CKER!” At that moment, he grabbed a monobloc chair and was about to hit Bong with it. “I’LL KILL YOU BASTARD!”
“Stop!” Jimmy backed-up.
Everyone’s eyes were at him. She approached that mad customer with his hips moving like that of a duck. His fellow barbers concluded that Jimmy was truly gay.
So come out his true colors, Cesar thought.
“Sir, Bong wasn’t flirting with your fiancée…why would he?” Jimmy was speaking in a feminine voice.
“YOU FAGGOT…WHAT DO YOU MEAN “WHY WOULD HE DO THAT”?! I SAW IT!”
“My sistah Bong, Mister Macho, won’t have an urge Sir. He’s gay…we’re in the same federation…”
Bong understood that Jimmy was just helping him. “Oh yes, Sir. I’m a badash! Actually, I was looking at your fiancée because I wanna do her pretty long hair.” He was knocking on wood behind his back.
The customer’s girlfriend bitchily nodded. She was obviously nervous. After Bong spoke like being possessed by Marilyn Monroe, his angry customer became calm.
“Oh…alright…I apologize. Gee…this place has faggots? You-” He pointed at Cesar. “…You finish my cut…I won’t let this faggot touch me again. YUCK!”
Everyone was back to business. Cesar finished the military cut. Bong signaled Jimmy to go outside for a while.
“Thanks for that,” Bong said. “That man’s horrible. He could have killed me.”
“That’s nothing.” Jimmy chuckled.
“But that’s embarrassing! I mean…yuck! Are you really-”
“Gay? Please Bong, that’s just a drama. How many times do I have to tell you guys that I’m not gay!”
“Okay. Thanks again. I’ll treat you and the rest this weekend. Tis my birthday.”
“NEEEEHA!”
They were at Maryo’s that Saturday night. There were only five of them. Ferdinand didn’t drink and went home after giving Bong new scissors as gift.
“Happy birthday to you…hap berday tya…” Ben was singing on and on. He was drunk, as well as the the others.
They had emptied two cases of Red Horse already.
“Guys…thank you for the friendship,” Bong said.
“Let’s toast to that.”
“CHEERS!”
Laughs.
“So Jimmy, how does it feel exposing your cape? You’re like Rustom Padilla…mariposa…” Cesar said.
Jimmy was so drunk. He was having a slurred speech when he replied, “I said I’m not gay.”
“YOU ARE GAY!”
“Yeah…you’re so gay…”
“It’s okay Jimmy…”
“Girlaloo girlaloo…”
“I’M NOT GAY!” Jimmy stood up and said loudly then fell back on his seat. “I’m not…I can prove to you…”
“Prove this…” Cesar who was beside Jimmy opened his pants’ zippers and freed his erected birdie out. “SUCK THIS JIMMY! Let my c*ck be the first one you suck…”
It was dark in the beerhouse. No one noticed the immorality the four barbers were doing to their fellow barber.
“Go on Jimmy…”
“Tell me the taste…”
“Suck mine next…haha…”
“Girlaloo girlaloo…”
Jimmy was weak. With Cesar pushing his head to suck his p*nis, he was forced to do it. He was suffocated. Cesar’s c*ck was humongous. He wanted to vomit. He did vomit when Cesar exploded his s*men to his mouth.
Hangover. Jimmy was absent to his work the next day. His mind was rotating like roulette. He wanted to vomit but there was nothing more to vomit. His stomach was in pain with gallons of acid. He couldn’t lift up his body.
Words from the previous night’s event were echoing in his thoughts.
You’re gay…
Suck this Jimmy…
Girlaloo…girlaloo…
And he recalled how Cesar forced him to suck his smelly penis. Damn you! Shit! What am I supposed to do? They might be laughing at me right now. CESAR! You son if a b*tch! I’ll kill ya…
He searched for his cell phone. The screen said 18 messages recived. I’m not gay…I was forced…
He dialed Cookie’s number. I’m not…I’m not…I’ll kill him…
“Hello?” Jimmy heard Cookie’s voice.
“Cook…kie…oh…”
“What happened to you? I was texting you the whole morning and you weren’t replying. Are you alright?”
“Babes…come over…do me a favor…”
“Okay. I’m coming. Is your hair still red?”
Monday morning. ALK Barber Shop would have few customers on that day since the week is just beginning. Upon arriving, the barbers would usually sit down on their cutting chairs and read newspapers while awaiting for a customer to enter. It was 9:30 and there were only five barbers in the shop.
“Where’s Jimmy? Still absent?” Chit asked while sweeping the floors.
The barbers looked at each other and grinned.
“Dunno. We’re texting him. No replies.”
“Might be ashamed oh what he did last Saturday.”
“Might be reflecting…”
“Girlaloo girlaloo girlaloo laloo laloo…”
As Voltaire hummed, the door of ALK burst open and in came Jimmy with Cookie holding his arm.
“Sorry guys…I was late,” he said with a smile. Everyone was stunned. “Neways, I want you to witness this special event in my life.”
Jimmy got a small box from his pocket and flipped it open. It was a ring. He turned to Cookie who was wearing thick makeup. “Babes, will you marry me?”
“YES!” Cookie replied loudly.
Jimmy kissed Cookie torridly in front of his fellow barbers who were dumbstruck.
“You,” Jimmy turned to Cesar who was reading Bandera. “I always thought you’ll be a good Best Man…”
He then punched poor Cesar in the face which made him fall unconsciously on the floor.
“…Not anymore you pervert!”
A month later, Jimmy and Cookie were married. It wasn’t a grand wedding. They had a judge.
Jimmy’s hair was back to blond. Cookie was three months pregnant.
Mr. Gonzaga and Ferdinand were godfathers.
Bong was the Best Man.
Voltaire and Ben were groom’s men.
Chit was a bride’s maid, her dream come true.
Reception was at Apollo’s Restaurant.
Cesar received no invitation.