SeokJin
2 May Year 22
I was so nervous that my fingers stiffened. I clenched and unclenched my fists. What if I fail? I'd done this repeatedly, but I felt terrified each
time. I took a slow, deep breath and thought about YoonGi. He must be drunk by now, clicking his lighter
with one hand and holding his phone with the other. He might be lying on
the couch, contemplating the reasons why he should go on living. Or the reasons not to.
How does YoonGi see the world
and himself? I faced this question everytime I tried to save him. I
couldn't understand how he could
keep trying to destroy himself. It
didn't mean I was overjoyed living
in this world or that each and
everyday of my life with happiness.
In fact, I was never captivated by anything, not even by life and death.
Looking back, I was no different when
I first started all this. Would I be able to straighten out the errors and mistakes and save all of us? I didn't grasp the weight of this question. It was true that I desperately wanted to save all of us. No one deserved to die, to despair, to
be suppressed, and to be despised. On top of that, they were my friends. We might've had our flaws and scars and have been twisted up and distorted.
We might've been nobodies. But we were alive. We had days to live, plans
to follow, and dreams to fulfill.
At first, I didn't think much of it. I thought it'd all depend on how much effort I put in after I figured out who
I needed to save and from what. That was what I'd thought. I believed I could solve it all by persuading them and changing things. I was that simple and naive. But it was no more than an attempt to save my own skin. After a series of trials and errors, I had a realization. It wasn't so simple to save the others.
YoonGi wasn't easy to handle. He was probably the most difficult of all. He was always changing the time and place of his attempts at suicide. I had
to approach him differently than the others. A solution that worked fine
the last time it didn't work the next time. Just when I thought I'd finally unraveled one mystery, it led to
another hitch.
At first, I couldn't put my finger on
his reasons. After everything, all I
could guess was that YoonGi's distress was connected to his inner conflict. NamJoon got caught in a fight because of those rude customers at the gas station. But YoonGi was different. He had no definite target and no definite cause. He had too many variables.
I tried to imagine what was going on
in YoonGi's head. Once, I followed him secretly for hours. His footsteps were insecure and unpredictable. He staggered through the night streets
and tried to fling himself into the fire. He sometimes squatted on the ground and listened to music that flowed out
of somewhere from inside an underground shopping arcade. After
a night of following him, I realized
how dry, dull, and flat my own life
was. It wasn't that I envied YoonGi.
The suffering he must've endured, going from one extreme to the other, were beyond my imagination. All I could do was watch him stagger on.
One setback was always followed by another. A new layer of despair came down even before the previous one
was stripped. I might not be able to save YoonGi after all. I couldn't find
a breakthrough. But at that moment, hope flew in. I once heard that hope had wings. It was a little bird with wings.
A bird flew into YoonGi's workroom, which was in an abandoned building
in the middle of a redevelopment neighborhood. It'd been decided to demolish the neighborhood a long time ago, but it was left deserted when the redevelopment plan stalled. The bird flew in a broken window. YoonGi was standing in the middle of the workroom with a lighter in his hand. The entire workroom smelled strongly of gasoline. I was standing right outside the door.
I was about to jump in when I heard
a big thud and the flapping of wings.
The door was half-open, so I peeked through. YoonGi had his back to me.
The bird collapsed on the floor. It fluttered its wings again but failed
to rise into the air. YoonGi stood completely still and looked down at
the bird. I still couldn't see his face.
The bird flopped around the workroom in search of a way out. It bumped its wings into the wall and the chair, and the feathers that fell out drifted around on the floor. YoonGi was just gazing at it. His hand holding the lighter still hung in the air. He finally dropped his arm, sank down, and covered his head with both hands.
I went into his workroom that night. It was spacious but desolate. A dirty sofa, chair, and piano were all I could find there. Crumpled pieces of paper were scattered all over the floor. He must've tried to start a fire. Some of them looked like lines of music, with sentences of lyrics scribbled on them.
I looked around. I found the thing with wings. The bird was crouching behind the piano, with dried blood around the wounds on its wings. It seemed petrified and cowered in fear when I came near. Tiny drops of blood were smeared on the floor. Bread crumbs and water were set out in front of the piano.
I took a step back. Even if I let it out
the window, it wouldn't be able to fly yet. How long would it take for the wounds to heal? Would YoonGi remain safe and sound while the bird was staying here? Then, a thought came
to my mind. YoonGi must've stopped himself because of this. This wounded little bird. A fragile thing that couldn't protect or save itself. A tiny being that entrusted its life to YoonGi.
After that day, I had a realization. If
all the variables related to YoonGi's suicidal attempts existed within
YoonGi, why not drag at least one
of them out? I'd have to seek the right target and create the right situation.
A variable that could give YoonGi a reason to stop destroying himself. Someone who could share his scars
and desires. That someone wasn't me. "It's not something you can do alone."
I became painfully aware of the full meaning of these words I'd heard not long after all this started.
I realized that JungKook had the
same look in his eyes as YoonGi
when NamJoon said it. "JungKook
still has that photo." He meant the photo we took together on the beach
in high school. NamJoon seemingly wanted to let me know that JungKook was still thinking of me, but I was reminded of a completely different scene.
On the day we went looking for
that rock that made dreams come
true, we laughed, complained, and played under the scorching sun.
And, devastated at finding that the
rock had vanished, I cried out my dream, which even I couldn't hear,
to the sea.
At that moment, I saw JungKook yelling some question at YoonGi. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I could sense that it was important to JungKook. What did he ask YoonGi? Why him? I hadn't given it a second thought back then. YoonGi was not
as lively as HoSeok, not as friendly as JiMin, and not as reliable as NamJoon. Why was it YoonGi? I suddenly realized. It was YoonGi who saved JungKook. The two had the same look in their eyes.
It wasn't difficult to send JungKook to YoonGi. JungKook was alone at school and at home. He had nowhere to go after school. He usually spent his time at HoSeok's burger joint or wandered around NamJoon's container. I locked the door of the container and made HoSeok leave the store before JungKook dropped by. After roaming around for quite a while, JungKook finally headed for YoonGi's workroom. He seemed to have mixed feelings. Should I go in? What if he thinks I'm annoying? Expectation and fear both swirled across JungKook's face. Since that
day, he visited YoonGi's workroom everyday. At first, YoonGi flatly told
him to go away, but he didn't really mean it.
A shadow appeared shortly. It was JungKook. I buried myself deeper
into the seat. They didn't know I was back yet. Except for NamJoon, who I met at the gas station. NamJoon said everybody would be thrilled, but I refused to meet them. I was waiting
for the right moment. I had to wait
until all of us were together.
Maybe we were tied up together with strings and supporting one another. It wasn't easy to trace this web of strings. It was like an intricate maze. When some strings and knots were figured out, other parts snapped. When one string was pulled too tightly, everything collapsed in an instant. I had to connect the dots, one string with another, closely observing the others, to get them to save one another without realizing it.
JungKook stopped in front of YoonGi's workroom and looked up at the second floor. He didn't look too cheerful. YoonGi had gone through a difficult time over the past ten days. He had been drinking heavily and tormenting himself. I pushed JungKook into this depth of agony. YoonGi's suffering must've been too overwhelming for JungKook. Once, JungKook gave up
on YoonGi. Back then, YoonGi threw himself into the flames. But cruelly, YoonGi didn't die. JungKook never forgave himself for failing to stop him.
About ten minutes had passed since JungKook went into YoonGi's workroom. The sound of something shattering came out of the second-floor window, and YoonGi, with busted lips, appeared at the entrance of the building, staggering. He hurried down the sloping road. I looked up at the window on the second floor. JungKook must be sitting up there by the shattered mirror. He must be thinking he couldn't save YoonGi. He must be thinking it was hopeless.
I started the car after seeing JungKook run out of the building. YoonGi must
be heading to the motel down the block. I should leave a clue for JungKook to YoonGi's whereabouts. That was all I could do. I dropped some blood-stained tissues near the gate of the motel.
Sitting in the car, I saw JungKook climbing the stairs of the motel. I left
a photo in front of the mirror in Yoongi's workroom early this morning. It was the photo of all of us taken that day we went to the beach. Did JungKook see the photo? I couldn't know if JungKook followed YoonGi because of that photo, if JungKook decided to give it a try seeing a small seed of hope, or if JungKook was motivated by something else.
I wasn't sure how JungKook could
save YoonGi. That decisive moment
in life, that last moment for each of
us, including JungKook and Yoongi,
can't be interfered with. It can only
be shared by those who suffer the
same wound, understand each
other's fears, dreams, and defeats,
and therefore see through each
other to the core.
I looked up at the motel window.
I wondered what JungKook and
YoonGi were talking about in there. And I desperately wished that the
thing with wings would be able to
take off into the sky from there.
YoonGi
2 May Year 22
The sheet caught fire and instantly flared up. Everything dingy and
shabby died away in the unbearable heat. The musty smell, the depressing dampness, and the dark and dismal light were no longer recognizable.
Only pain was left. Physical pain that seemed to boil in the flames. My fingertips felt as if they were melting down with blisters forming. Dad's expressionless face and the sound of music dispersed into the air.
I was different than him. Dad didn't understand me and I didn't understand him. If I tried, would I've been able to persuade him? I don't think so. All I could do was hide, defy, and run away. Sometimes I felt like it wasn't him I
was trying to break free from. At such moments, fear rushed over me. What am I running away from then? What does it take to escape from myself? Everything looked hopeless.
I thought I heard someone calling me, but I didn't turn my head. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. But I knew.
It was JungKook. He must've gotten mad. He would mourn for me. I just wanted to flop down. I wanted to put
an end to the smoke, heat, pain, and fear. JungKook shouted something,
but I still couldn't hear. Everything before my eyes fell apart. It was the
last moment. I lifted my head. My last sight of this world was this dirty, isolated room, the red-hot flames and rolling heat, and JungKook's twisted face.
JungKook
2 May Year 22
I looked up and found myself in front
of the container. I opened the door and went inside. I lay down curled up and covered myself with all the clothes I could find. I felt cold and my body trembled. It was hard to pull myself together and lie still. I felt like crying, but tears wouldn't come.
The scene of YoonGi standing amidst the flames kept replaying in my mind. Flames blazed up from the sheet. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to
do. I wasn't a good talker. I couldn't even express my own feelings let alone persuade someone else. Tears welled
up and a cough lodged in my throat. It became even harder to speak. The only words I could utter as I jumped into
the flames were "I thought we were all going to the sea together."
"What's wrong? Are you having a nightmare?" Someone shook my shoulder. I opened my eyes to find NamJoon. A sense of relief overcame me. NamJoon put his hand on my forehead and told me I had a fever.
It was true. The inside of my mouth
felt like it was burning up, but it was freezing cold at the same time. My
head ached and my throat was sore.
I could barely swallow the pills NamJoon brought me. "Go back to sleep. We'll talk later." I nodded.
Then I asked him, "Will I be able to grow into an adult like you?"