March 11, 2019
The love that kept me warm has been there all along...
I may seem like the hopeless sucker for love. I may seem like the type of person to aimlessly fall in love. I may seem like the type of person to accept any amount of bull all in the name of love.
Emphasis on love?
I absolutely love him.
It seems like the millionth time I've said this about the millionth guy.
Truth is, he isn't the millionth guy. He's been there all along.
I'm no hopeless romantic, I'm just someone who rushed into love to fill a void within myself. I never realized that there was a gap in my heart, the kind of love I needed was the kind of love you need. Self love.
I truly hate myself.
But then there's him.
The way he keeps me safe when my anxiety boils my blood and my tears start pickling my eyes, threatening to explode my chest with heaving sobs. The hope I feel when I listen to his heart beat. The way he cares. No one has ever cared like this before.
Maybe I don't love him. Maybe I do.
But what really is love?
That's right, I don't love him. Not yet.
He hasn't had his first love yet, neither have I.
Is it bad that he's all I ever want to think about?
What could anyone expect? Expect from an empty casing, blood barely flowing in my veins to keep me alive and my failures adding to my physical imperfections. What could you expect? Expect from me. From me, the human being that hates humans but loves humanity. The Christian that hates religion but loves Christ. The person that cannot find the means to love myself but oh how I want to love him.
The broken home which is my body? I'm not broken. I can be anything I say I am.
To my depression; this man I want to love; the way he holds me and molds me into the woman I am today, he makes me happy, so happy. He makes me want to not be depressed. And if this is God finally answering my prayers for help, I couldn't be more grateful.
To my anxiety; this man that wants to love me; the way he tries to be all he can for me and him, he makes me calm, like the tides washing over our feet as we walk along the shore, he wants it to be and so it shall be. He makes me feel normal. And if this is the therapy or relief that my mind has been begging to rid the grief, I couldn't be more grateful.
If I can hate myself so much to force myself into the torment I face in my loneliness...
imagine someone so immensely perfect to me, loving him makes me want to love me.