I gently laid the flowers on her grave. The night was deadly silent; not a single breeze or sound could be heard or felt. The only thing I could see was her tombstone in front of me; yet I knew I was in a cemetery.
"I love you Maya, I'm so, so sorry." I said, my fingers grazing the tombstone gently.
Suddenly, a hand with rottening skin shotted out from the dirt underneath me and clasped my ankle.
I screamed, I tried to shake it off but it was too strong. A raspy voice spoke from beneath, "Why didn't you bury me?"
Tears leaked from my eyes, "I'm so sorry, I know I should have bury you. I'm so sorry Maya."
"Laura." This voice didn't sound like Maya's, but it sounded familiar, too familiar.
I continued screaming, "Please let go of me, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."
"LAURA!"
"I'm so sorry!" I woke up, still screaming.
"Shh, shh, it's alright. It's just a nightmare." A soothing voice whispered into my ear.
Realization drawn upon me, yet my heart was still beating too fast. I didn't even feel Asher's arms around me or the tears that were streaming down my face. I was still stuck in the nightmare, the scene frozen in my mind. Her raspy voice replaying in my head like a song on loop.
I missed her voice so much, her normal voice, her mocking one, her sarcastic one, her happy one, her exciting one, all of it.
I had stopped screaming once I realized I was back on my bed, but my tears didn't. "Asher, I just missed her so much." I cried, I had no idea why I suddenly confessed that to him. Right now, I didn't care, I was too caught up in my swirl-pool of emotions.
"I know, Laura, I know." He whispered, stroking my hair lightly. I didn't even realized that he was on my bed and was holding me. My head was resting on his chest and I was on his lap. I didn't mind it at all.
Tears continued to run down my face. They couldn't stop. I didn't bother to stop them, I let them flowed freely. I didn't care that Asher had witnessed it. He didn't seem to mind either, he just continued to hold me tightly and that was all I needed.
When I finally ran out of tears, I tried to get off, but his arms tighten around me protectively.
"I'm just going to the bathroom to wash my face, and change. My sweater is clinging onto me like second skin." I told him. His arms loosen just enough for me to push them off me gently.
I could feel his worry stare burning a whole through my back as I walked into my bathroom. Minutes later, feeling slightly better and much more refresh, I went back into my room.
He hadn't move, his eyes followed my every movement as I got back on my bed. He immediately pulled me towards him, resting me between his legs, his arms snaked around me once again.
I laid my head on his chest and his hand automatically started to play with my hair. An easy silence rested between us.
After some time, he asked quietly, as if afraid to startle me. "Is it a nightmare?"
I nodded, snippets of the nightmare flashed in my mind and I suppressed a shudder.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not yet," I said softly, the nightmare was too fresh, too clear on my mind. I didn't want to relive it again. "but tell me something about you."
"What do you want to know?" He rested his chin lightly on my head.
"I don't know, anything." I snuggled deeper, the warmth that was radiating off him was slowly warming me inside out. "Just distract me."
"Hmm, okay. " Then he started to tell me the dreams that he had had.
He told me all the dreams he could remember having; some was horrifying, some were random, some were just plain weird and confusing. In exchange, I told him some of the dreams I had have before; the strange ones; the scary ones; and the random ones.
By the time we had finished telling each other our dreams, the chills I had have was gone. I could still remember each vivid detail of the nightmare, but every time I thought about it my heart didn't beat out of my chest.
After he told me his last dream that he could remember, I finally told him my nightmares. All of it, I told him all the nightmares I had have for the past few weeks. He listened to them without interrupting.
Telling him was like reliving it again. When I described it to him, the scene played in my mind like a movie. Even if you had already watched the movie countless times, if it terrified you the first time, no matter how many times, it would still terrified you, you would just have to be prepare for it.
When I finished, the thick silence settled like a heavy blanket between us. I could feel myself getting tired again, but I couldn't fall asleep without knowing his reaction.
"You should never ever blame yourself. It's not your fault, you didn't hit Maya's car, you weren't the one behind the wheels." He turned me around, ending up with my legs around his waist. He gently tilted my head up and I had no choice but to look into his eyes.
Gods his eyes, I love it so much. The thought startled me almost as much as the fierceness in his voice.
"I know I shouldn't, but if she weren't rushing back for my birthday this wouldn't have happen." I protested weakly, saying out loud made this point sounded so stupid. The point sounded much more reasonable in my head.
"It was your birthday?" His eyes widen and surprise was written all over his face.
"Yeah." I just realized I had never tell him.
"I'm so sorry." His eyes looked at me pitifully, my face morphed into stone in response.
"What are you apologizing for?" I never get why people apologized when it was not their fault.
"I just never realized, that must be so hard." The sympathy in his last phrase awaken something ugly in me.
"Of course you never realized, I never told you. And don't be sorry because it wasn't your fault." I snapped at him, the heat in my voice burned him more than I intended. Hurt flashed briefly in his eyes, I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
"I-" He was loss at words and I cut in before he could say anything.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you. I just, I know that it happening on my birthday was ironic and sad but I don't need your sympathy." I said softly.
Gods what's wrong with me.
"I just, I just don't like it when people pity me. I'm sorry." I apologized again, "I know you didn't mean it, I don't know why I'm like this gods I'm really really sorry. I didn't mean it that way."
I wished I could take it all back, but words spoken out loud could never be taken back, just like water that had been thrown out.
"It's okay, it's okay Laura. I get it, I didn't mean to sound sympathetic, I know you don't mean it. It's okay." I didn't deserve the understanding in his eyes, his forgiving words, or his patience.
How could he still put up with me? I can't even stand myself these few weeks.
"I'm so sorry." I buried myself in the crooked of his neck, trying to bury my guilt and confused emotions.
Maybe I was apologizing for the way I lashed out to Asher, and maybe I was sorry for Maya, and maybe I was also sorry for myself.
"It's okay, it's really okay." He ran his hand lightly through my hair. The words alone couldn't lessen my guilt or my heavy heart, but the action was enough to bring me to sleep.
Before I would surrender to it, impulsively, I whispered, "I like you too."
The last thing I felt was his heart racing slightly faster and a small smile settled itself on my face.