Chapter Nine
“I missed you so much.” Kevin hugged me just as soon as I got close to him.
I pulled away. “We have to talk.”
“Okay, I assume it’s a serious thing.” He concluded.
“Jarred and I broke up.” I said, not looking at him in the eye.
“Why? Was it because of me?”
“Yes.” Telling him the truth.
His face lighted up. He reached for my hands. “You’ll never regret choosing me.”
“No, you don’t understand, Kevin.”
He stared at me with confusion. I continued,
“Kevin, I realized that I really do not love you. Well, maybe I do. But not the way you love me. I love you, but it’s platonic. I don’t know how to say this. And I feel so fucked up. All I wanted to say is I’m sorry. I could not see you anymore.”
Kevin’s shoulders dropped. He bowed his head and I saw him wipe a tear.
“Oh, Kevin. Don’t cry. I’m so sorry. I guess I’m not worth all this.”
“No. This was entirely my fault. I pushed you to do something that did not make you happy. I’m so sorry you and Jarred had to break up because of me. I should’ve just been your friend. I shouldn’t have confused you.”
“I hope we can still be friends… In the future. Thanks a lot Kevin.” I got up from my seat and turned away.
“Ella,” he called out. “You were worth it. It’s me who you think is not good enough for all of these.”
I shed a tear and walked away.
It’s been three weeks since Jarred left me and I left Kevin. Basically, the events left me with no one, except myself. I should have listened to my mom and resolved that it is really impossible to have the best of both worlds.
I spent days absent-mindedly doing works in the office and most nights laying in my bed, tossing and turning, but was always unable to get enough of sleep. I feel stressed and harassed. And I have no one to blame why all of this is happening to me except for myself.
I lost the man I loved the most, and subsequently, I lost a dear friend. All because I could not decide. I figured, the problem was I’ve been used to accepting rejection so much that when it came a time that I felt needed and loved, I took advantage of the moment. I’ve been so immature and selfish but in the end, it all took me back to what I was before. Pathetically rejected. I got lost in all hope that I could somehow be just like Mariel and the entire beautiful people of human race. It was with Jarred and Kevin that I felt beautiful. And now that they’re both gone, I’m back to feeling obnoxious again. Ain’t love such a heartless bitch?
I think of Jarred almost every hour of the day. Since he left, he hasn’t been returning all my calls nor responding to my messages. I feel terribly guilty and hurt. I hate how I don’t want to do the things that remind me of him because when I’m reminded of him, I am also being reminded of how good it was to have him and how stupid I was to screw it all up. Most of all, I hate the feeling of being so sorry, yet I couldn’t find the slightest courage of ever walking up to him and saying that I want him back.
I couldn’t look at those eyes, which I’ve been looking at for years and years and see that the love that once resided on them was replaced by hatred and doubt. I could not take the fact that he might be contemplating whether he still loves me or he no longer does. I couldn’t absorb the thought that I might lose him. But I know, I have to face him. And this is what bugs me the most. I know, deep inside that I wouldn’t take no for an answer.
I reached for my phone and dialed Jarred’s number. It seemed to ring for ninety nine eternities until the network decided to cut it off because Jarred might not want to answer at all. For the nth time, I cried. He must’ve been badly hurt because such things as these never happened before. He never let me think that I am all alone. I guess he isn’t afraid of hurting me anymore. I figured that the hardest pain to nurse is that of a broken heart and a wounded ego.
“Give it time, anak. You can’t expect everything to be okay at an instant. If Jarred really loves you, he will come to his senses and just maybe, give you time to explain yourself.” My mother was always ready for comforting words that either help or aggravate the situation. Nevertheless, I liked the fact that she has been very supportive of my love life although I knew from the start that he favors Jarred more than Kevin. And I am really thankful that when all of these happened, my mother never said, “I told you this was going to happen.” I love my mother. I have to hug her after her speech.
So there, I gave it time. I’ve let things cool down for about a month, resisting the urge to cut my hair extremely short and avoiding all the sad songs that may remind me that I am broken hearted. I must say, I am doing fine. But of course doing fine does not mean that I think of Jarred less, which never happened at all, by the way.
I was strolling alone at the mall one day, trying to decide what movie to watch when I saw Kevin. We were both surprised at the sight of each other, presumably neither of us is ready to see each other yet—but because it happened, we greeted each other for the heck of it. It was one of the most awkward things, but deep down, I know that we have to have a formal closure of what we had, even if it was never formal and official at all. We decided to talk about things over coffee.
“So, how have you been?” Kevin asked.
“Fine. Just spending sometime being alone. Loving myself more, and all that stuff.”
“You look great, Ella. It’s so nice to see you again.” These words were supposed to blow me away, like it did some months ago. But when I looked at Kevin, there’s this extreme sadness that can be traced in his eyes. I know, I’m the reason behind all that. And I feel terrible about it. The last thing I wanted is to hurt the people that are close to my heart. And for not choosing, I did. I wish it’s never too late to make things right. If I’ll have the chance, I will.
“I doubt that. But thanks, so do you.” I managed to mumble. I tried an effort of what I hoped would pass as a smile. But it didn’t reach my eyes. Who am I fooling?
“Listen, Ella. You know damn well what I feel for you, don’t you?” He stretched his arms to touch my hands. But I took it away as if I was burned by a hot surface. Kevin isn’t dumb to notice that. He shook his head.
I nodded, that’s the only response I can give him. I must admit I wasn’t ready for this yet. And in the back of my mind, I wasn’t expecting Kevin to be the first person I could talk things through with. I was hoping it would be Jarred.
“A nod? Would it be all that I could get from you, Ella?” He sounds irritated, but then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, probably to help him relax.
“I’m sorry, Kevin. I honestly don’t know what to say. It has been months, I know. But I still am not ready for this.” I said, still avoiding his eyes.
“Not ready for this? I have been hearing that for ages now. When will you be ready for this? For me? Ella, will you ever be ready for me?”
“I don’t know. Kevin, please. Don’t do this to me.” I cried.
“I’m not doing anything to you, Ella. And you, lady, aren’t doing anything to me either.” That sarcasm.
“Then maybe I don’t want this….. whatever we have to continue further.” I was shocked it came out of my mouth. But on the other side, it had to. And I was ever thankful it did.
“Oh, Ella. What did I do for you to treat me this way?” That eyes.
“You’re killing me with those eyes, Kevin. I like you. And I’m glad you have feelings for me. I won’t be a hypocrite and say that I don’t enjoy your company. But this is just plain wrong. You were a memory I was most fond of. I grew up wishing you never left. But then you came back, and I wasn’t sure I’d still wish that you did. There’s Jarred, I promised him my love. He was there when all others weren’t. Who am I to throw that all away?”
“Maybe you were just staying with Jarred out of pity. Do you want that?” Kevin interrogated and I knew for sure what my answer to that was.
“No, Kevin. I love him. And I want you to be happy, so I’d cut being selfish and not try to keep you just to feed my ego. You don’t deserve someone who can’t give you her heart completely.”
Kevin just bowed his head and conceded. I guess this conversation is over.
“But I still hope that in time, we can still be friends—good friends, like we used to.” I stood up, straightened myself, tried to look fixed, though my inside has been completely damaged.
Kevin looked up at me, and I tried hard to memorize his face. I know I won’t forget him though. He was once my Mr. Right.
He stood up also. “Can I get one last hug?” He requested.
I had to give in. Crying, I stepped towards him and gave him a hug. He held me so tight, the kind of hug that says, “I would’ve done all it takes for you to stay with me, if only you let me.”
“Bye, Kevin.” I whispered.
He patted my back. “No, not goodbye, Ella. ‘Til we meet again”
And all I could remember was tears.