Chapter Six
What Jarred and I have is so amazing. I mean, we’re like, lovers but not quite. A little more than being just friends, I would like to presume. There are times that I get the hint that he feels the same way I do, but I guess he was just as coward as I am because we won’t risk the friendship.
“Are we going to Thessa’s party?” He asked me as we prepare to go home. Jarred has just bought himself a car now, and I, being the closest girl to him (among all the girls in the office, that is), holds the privilege of a hitch.
“I really don’t know yet. I haven’t discussed that with Mom.” I answered because I still haven’t, and I tell everything to my Mom. It’s one thing I vowed myself to do, since my Dad left us for another girl. I promised that I would tell everything to my Mom because she matters a lot to me. She’s like, my best friend. Ever.
“That’s not a problem. I will tell Tita about it. That is, if you really want to go.” He calls my Mom Tita, and boy, my Mom likes him a lot (for me). For the past few months, Jarred has been a regular staple to my family. He has become an extension, frequently dropping by for lunch and dinner. And somehow, my Mom got used to him. She even told me that the way her instincts go, she’s sensing that Jarred is a nice man. I take this as a good thing. My Mom should really like him. Because I love Jarred.
“Okay then. Have it your way.” I jokingly said. “I’ll be your chaperone again, and I’ll be left with no one just in case Mariel decides to take you away from me.” Like he’s yours, Raffie.
“C’mon, you’re jealous!!” Jarred gave me a wide grin. Gwapo as ever.
To this I answered, “Of course not! Why would I be jealous?”
“Then why are you so worried that I might leave you to be with Mariel?”
“I am worried because if I am coming with you, you should at least be considerate enough to spend the whole night with me.”
“See, that’s what I’ve been talking about. Oh, jealous lady, she wants me only to herself. Hahaha!” Jarred is really good at teasing me, and I felt all red up on my face.
“You’re even blushing. You know, the fact that I asked you to come with me only means that I want to be with you.” He said, still smiling.
I want to be with you. The problem with all these echoes in my head is that it only selects those good words I want to hear. And there goes my heart beat again.
“Raffie, are you coming with me or not?”
“What if I am not?” I asked.
Jarred did not answer. But he put on his sad face, like the ones he uses when he’s asking for something, and we coined this facial expression as, “Papasa naman ng load face.”
“Jarred! You always get me with that look! Okay, pick me up at 8:00.” I conceded.
“I got you now, honey.” And then a wink.
My heart. Where did it fell?
“Rafaella, could you please calm down?” My mom shouted as I was consistently going up and down the stairs, in and out of my room and tossing and turning every piece of clothing I own.
“Mom, don’t you think this is too revealing?” I finally asked, coming out on a little black dress that—to my surprise—showed off the curves I never knew I had. I paired it with killer heels and I curled my hair and pinned a little of them into one side. Chic and classy. Go me.
“Revealing? Yes. I thank the heavens for finally revealing that beauty inside you, anak.” My mother said. “You are beautiful.”
“Really ‘Ma?” I am so happy, I finally heard this from my Mom.
“Really. So, who are you coming with tonight?” She asked.
“Who else is handsome enough to be with your daughter?” Jarred interrupted, barging in out of the door and looking so cute.
“Oh, since you’re here, may I present to you, my lovely daughter!” Mom exclaimed, pointing towards me like I’m sort of a prize he gets for winning the jackpot.
Jarred looked at me intently. I saw his eyes light up. And then he smiled at me, but this time, a different smile. Sparks flying like fireworks, heart beating like a tribal drum. I feel the same.
“You look perfect.” He said.
I melted. “Thank you.” I managed to say.
“So, the party’s not happening here, you two better leave.” My Mom.
“Oh yeah. Right.” He took me by the hand.
As Jarred’s car went on the way, over taking other cars and trying hard to avoid the traffic, my heartbeat and my breath are also taking a good race against each other. I sat beside him, like I always do, but every time is always different from the last. Well, in the sense that what I feel for him grows stronger and stronger each day. I’ve been wondering if he has the hints that I am in love with him. I’ve been wondering if he feels the same way also.
“Hey, what are you thinking of?” He asked. I shook my head because I realized that I have been staring blankly outside the window of his car for the longest time.
“Nothing.” I answered.
“By the way, my Mom’s arriving next week from Cebu. I want you to meet her.” To that, I looked at him—this I did too fast, like I was startled and shocked. My eyes showed confusion and he might have caught it so he continued,
“I want you to meet the most important girl in my life.”
And there, I managed to blurt out, “W-why?”
“Why not?” He returned the question and smiled. He held my hand, “Don’t worry. She’s awesome.”
“Alright.” I smiled back.
When we got to Thessa’s house, the party is on full swing. As Jarred parked the car, I instantly saw Mariel approaching us. Jarred got out of the car first.
“Hi Jarred! I’m glad you came. Come, let’s go inside.” She reached Jarred’s hand and looked like she has no plans of ever letting it go. Effin’ flirt.
“But Mariel, I’m with….”
That was when I opened the door and came out. “Jarred, let’s go… Oh, hi Mariel! I didn’t know you were supposed to USHER Jarred.” I emphasized on the word and looked at her hands that are still glued to Jarred’s.
She let go. I saw her brows furrowed but then she painted on a fake smile in her lips. “Hi Raffie. I didn’t know you were with Jarred. You look nice.”
“Thanks, Mariel. You too.” I motioned myself to Jarred and took his hands. “Let’s go?”
As we walked away from her, I felt like it’s the first time I won over Mariel. Mariel—the beautiful, the sexy, the go-getter, the It-girl. I looked at Jarred—this handsome, kind and perfect epitome of the guy next door—is with me. I smiled. Raffie, ang ganda ganda mo.
The night was groovy and everybody’s having fun. I was really feeling great because Jarred never left me alone; we’re sort of like each other’s dates. We had so much fun. Of course, with Mariel at the losing end. Boohoo, Bimbo. Mean me.
“Thanks, Jarred. I really enjoyed the night.”
“No. Thank you, Raffie for coming with me. Good night.”
I moved closer to give him a quick peck on the cheek but to my surprise, he did the same. Our lips smacked on each other. We withdrew ourselves like magnets on the same poles. We repelled.
I’m all red. I can’t even look at him. Oh my goodness, did we actually kiss??
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.. I was….” Jarred stammered, obviously nervous, too.
I covered the tension building up inside me and let out a weak laugh. “You did that on purpose! You should’ve just asked for my permission. I would have just let you do it if you really want to!” I joked. All hopes up that the mood and air will get lighter.
Jarred looked rather serious. He looked deep into my eyes. Once again, I felt that queer moment when I first saw those brown eyes. I was lost—yet again. He walked towards me, a little closer, close enough for me to smell his manly perfume. He cupped my face, still looking intently into my eyes.
“Can I kiss you?” Jarred asked.
From what I saw in the movies, during scenes like that, the girl isn’t required to answer. They would just kiss passionately and that’s it. But then again, let me remind you that this is not a movie scene. This is all there really is: a girl, looking deep in the eyes of the boy she loves so much, and is about to have her first kiss—after all those twenty four years of her life!
“I-I don’t know how.” I stupidly answered.
Jarred laughed for a moment. But then he went serious again. Then he moved really, really closer, his face an inch away from mine. “Here…”
There, Rafaella Martinez’s first kiss. In the movies, this is the part where fireworks light up, and the screen will fade to black and the credits begin to roll in. But in reality, this is the part where my mother will appear and say,
“Oops, sorry, I thought something’s wrong because you two still won’t come inside. So I went here. It turns out that you were just kissing.” And she went inside again.
We were left dumbfounded. Partly because we could not believe that my Mom saw us, and because of the fact that we had just—kissed.
“I think I should go ahead now.” He finally said.
“Jarred…” I called out just as soon as he was about to open the door of his car. He looked back, eyes seemed to be asking why I called him.
….I love you.” I continued. “I’m sorry. But I love you. I have always loved you. Since that day you told me that my panty’s peaking out, since you told me I’m not ugly, since you told me that I look better without my glasses—that’s why I stopped wearing them. It’s all for you, Jarred. This, this is all for you. I love you, Jarred. I love you.” I kept on repeating.
“Raffie, Raffie please stop.” I heard him say. “I love you too.”
He embraced me. I was crying, of joy, I guess. And then,
“Raffie, is that still not over ‘til now? You can both hug each other tomorrow.” My Mom.
My mom’s really a scene spoiler. Such a super intruder. We let go of each other and then we laughed.
I woke up the day after feeling really different. First up, I was woken up with a call—from him of course.
“Hey baby.”
“Hey.” I still could not believe that Jarred and I are finally a couple.
“Get up. It’s late.” I looked at my clock and as usual, 8:15.
“Oh, shit!” I exclaimed.
Jarred laughed. “I love you too, baby.”
I can’t help but laugh at him, it’s like the first time. The first time of everything, when I’m with him. “I love you baby.” I hung up.
I jumped out of my bed, took a shower and got dressed as quickly as I could. When I came out of my room to eat breakfast, my Mom gave me that look.
“You’re not telling me everything.” She said.
“Mom…”
“Are you and Jarred a couple now?”
“Mom, please.”
“Is it official?”
“Mooooooooooooooooom!!!!”
My Mom laughed. “Okay, just don’t give it all. Leave something for yourself.”
“Whatever Mom.” I said, smiling. I knew she’d understand. After all, she has been waiting for this.
I got to the office feeling all hyped up. It’s our first day as a couple. Though I was not sure how we’re going to handle this situation, but all I do know is I’m excited about all of this. It’s strange. And I like it.
I entered the lobby, and my anticipation died. It’s as if everything is normal. Everything is ordinary. Everyone sees me just the same, no extra second of eye contact, no head turns, no one whispered to the other as I passed by on them. I saw Mariel, and she approached me.
“Good Morning, Raffie!” She’s just as perky as ever. I stared at her more intently than I am supposed to, searching for a scratch of envy in her eyes but I found none. Confirmed, they don’t know the news yet.
“Hi.” I bluntly said, dismissing all the disappointments that run through my nerves and went on to my table.
Minutes later, Jarred appeared carrying a bouquet of roses, arms stretched wide like a child giving something. His smile takes me off to a wonderful place, somewhere in between fairy tale realms and love story land. His eyes are always hopeful.
“Good morning gorgeous.” He said this so natural, like a professional lover boy. This made me laugh.
“Good morning. Thanks.” As always, I’m trying to hide the butterflies in my stomach.
“Lunch later.” Then a kiss. And he went on to his table.
The whole department witnessed this silly little scene that we have put up. I could sense all the shock in their very core, especially Mariel. She seems to be caught off guard. Probably she could not handle all of these and she excused herself. Hypocrisy aside, I felt bad for her.
“So, tell me about it,” Mariel said as I went to the powder room for some retouches. She followed me, probably because she still hasn’t moved on with what she saw earlier.
“About what?” I played dumb.
“About how you and Jarred became official.” I must say, her words are straight to the point, such manner I have not expected from THE sensitive Mariel.
“Oh, that. I don’t know, really. It just happened.” I vaguely answered.
Mariel looked at me with what seemed like the most frigid eyes in the world. I kind of felt bad. But then she smiled, and whether she’s just faking it or not, I commend her for the effort. I know so well that he likes Jarred, and I understand if she hates me right now, I just had to give that to her.
“I’m really happy for you, Raffie.”
“Thanks, I’ve waited for this all my life and now here it is.” I smiled.
Mariel hugged me, a sisterly act which I have been missing for the most part of my life since I am the only daughter.
I felt at ease upon knowing that Mariel and I are still okay, and thrilled that Jarred’s way and mine is so clear and we don’t have any problems about how other people might feel about us.
I told Jarred about it and he was more than happy.
“I hope nothing gets in between us now.”He said, holding my hand.
“Nothing, not even life.” I said.
“You’re scary!” Jarred joked at my melancholic line.
“But I love you.” He later said.
“And I love you more.” I replied.
Everything is so surreal. For once, I felt needed. I finally felt loved, despite of how ugly I am, or how lanky these clothes I wear are. I finally experienced how it feels to have someone fixing my hair, tucking it behind my ear, just so that he can see my face. How it feels to have someone who texts me every night before I go to sleep and who calls me every morning so that I won’t be late for work again. Jarred has become my disease, an extreme addiction, an unstoppable habit. He made me feel things I haven’t felt before, made me realize dreams that I never thought I have inside me. And most importantly, Jarred thought me how it feels like to love and be loved.
And so I get to meet his Mom. Jarred’s mother is so sophisticated and is undeniably quite a woman during her younger years. She reminds me of Alpha Girls of sororities back in college. I was very nervous as soon as we pulled off at Jarred’s condo unit. He reached out for my hands and noticed that they were colder than the usual.
“Relax, babe. You’re gonna love my Mom. Believe me, she’s so cool, plus she loves everyone that I love, too.” He assured me.
So we went inside and there she was, in her casual jeans and shirt I don’t remember anyone her age wearing, but she looked so fantastic and carried herself well. She was preparing dinner for the three of us, like all Moms do. Her smile made me feel welcomed and comfortable.
“Hey, you’re here. I’m glad I prepared all of these just in time. Come here.” And she reached for Jarred and gave him a kiss.
“Mom, this is Raffie, my girl. Raffie, this is my Mom, my superwoman.” Jarred introduced us.
“Good evening, ma’am.” I think I delivered that line pretty well.
“Oh, please, if you can’t call me Mom, just call me tita. But don’t call me Ma’am. It makes me feel old. Nice to finally have met you, Raffie.” She kissed me just as well.
While we were eating, she asked me if Raffie is really my complete name and I was embarrassed to tell her what my complete name is. But she just laughed it off and told me that my name sounded really feminine, and later on she revealed that her name was Bonifacia. I had to thank my Mom for not giving me that kind of name.
“Tita, you really cook well. You must’ve studied culinary arts or something, the food is really great.” I said.
Jarred laughed and I just could not figure out why he did that. I was worried I might have said something wrong but I could not think of any. I had to ask him, “Babe, why are you laughing?”
He looked at me and looked at his Mom. And suddenly they were both laughing. I felt irritated so I shot Jarred THAT look. He fixed himself and said, “Mom does not know how to cook, babe.”
I was so embarrassed. I had to apologize for what I said but before I could, Jarred’s Mom butted in, “I just bought these from a nearby restaurant. I’m glad you liked it though. And thank you honey, you thought I could cook. Do I give you that impression? Jarred’s dad left me because all I could do is make his eggs boil.” And then some more laughs.
She must’ve noticed I was blushing and then she adds, “Jarred, I really like your girl.”
“I know Mom, you should. I love her.”
Since we’re officemates, we are together every day but it does not make me love him less. In fact, I constantly find myself thinking about him just as soon as we part ways to work on our own tables. As over acting as it may appear, but that’s just true.
“Rafaella Martinez of Global Ads, Hello?” I answered the telephone.
“Hello, are you aware that there are 8 billion people in this world…...”
“And I was so lucky enough to find you?” the voice on the other line said.
Before I could say anything, Jarred peeked out of his table and smiled at me.
“I love you, Raffie.”
I can’t help but laugh at Jarred’s sweet nothings. This guy makes me crazy. He makes my heart flip when I see him, and he makes me swoon when I am with him. I love the things he does. And I love everything about him. God must’ve loved me very much because when I asked Him to give me a love life, He gave me more. He gave me someone who will love me, despite of who I am. Someone I can be myself with, someone who will not give a damn about how messy my hair is, or how fucked up I look like. Someone who will look at me like I am the most beautiful person in the world—someone who will make me feel beautiful. Someone who will make me feel good about myself and the things I can do. Someone who will hug me when we watch a scary movie. Someone who will lead me to the safer side of the road. Someone who will give unconditional love, even when I am at my worst, even when my pimples are on massive break-outs, even when I am PMS-ing. Jarred is that someone. And he has become my everything.
But with all these, we are still like ordinary couple who has our share of petty fights. Most of which I feel like I should be the one to be blamed. Being alone for years, I really am not that dependent. I carry with me this kind of notion until such extent that Jarred feels like I don’t need him at all.
“Babe, it’s late, don’t you think we should go home?” He asked me during one of my super late over times. It’s been six months since we’ve gone steady and everything seems to work out fine. During these late hours of excessive working (because I have the word WORKAHOLIC stapled on my forehead that’s visible from 100 meters away, the least) Jarred feels obliged to go on over time, too.
“You can go home if you want, babe. I’ll just take a taxi going home.” I plainly replied.
“You know I can’t let you do that.” He said.
I felt annoyed because Jarred always think that I could not handle myself, which, for me is not true. “I said you can go home! I can take care of myself. Stop treating me like a child Jarred.”
He pulled on a frown and his brows seemed to collide against each other. “I just want to make sure that you get home safe. Maybe you’ve forgotten that I don’t feel well today, I was telling that to you since this morning but you didn’t mind me. And here I am, unable to go home because my workaholic girlfriend decides to go AGAIN on an over time!”
“I didn’t tell you to wait for me, Jarred. I already told you, you can go home! God, what’s so hard to understand about that? Shut the hell up and go home!” The problem with me is that when I get started, I don’t know how to stop. I run my motor mouth and I am very incapable of filtering what words to say and what not to. Such cases when I hurt Jarred’s ego a number of times before, not only during this night.
“I know you can take care of yourself Rafaella, I don’t question that. This is just so hard, I’m your boyfriend and I can’t take care of you? Is this what I’ll get for wanting to go home with you tonight? This is so sweet of you, thank you very much.” And he went out of the office.
I was left alone with Jarred’s voice echoing in my head as if haunting my guilt. I was trying my darnest to convince myself that what I did was just right—serves him just right for being so controlling. But then I realized, he hasn’t tried to control me even a bit, with all the six months we have been together. It was me that has become too hard on him. Suddenly, all my faults came rushing down on me. I was able to recall how he said he wished he was deaf every time I nag. How it kills him every time my mood swings strike me. But never did he say that it was so hard for him to love me. I realized that I was a horrible and cold hearted girlfriend for the past six months. And oh, did Jarred just say that he does not feel well today? Raffie, you are such a biatch.
I decided to put off what I’ve been doing, leave the office at once and apologize to Jarred. Girls can also be entitled to being a jerk, I suppose. But when I got out of the office, Jarred has already left. I tried to call him but he wouldn’t answer. I sent him a text message instead.
Babe, I’m really, really sorry. Wer r you?
He didn’t respond to my message. He must’ve been very angry, or hurt. Or maybe, just so sick—of me. I hated myself that tears started running on my cheeks.
“Just why the hell are you crying?” I heard Jarred say.
“Baby, I’m so so sorry. Please don’t get mad at me anymore.” All the possible guilt in the whole universe, I must say, are not enough to describe how awful I feel.
“The problem with you, Raffie, is that you always get things done your way. And you don’t listen to anyone. Not even to me. You are such a hard-headed, spoiled brat!” His voice is soft but I can sense that it is also stern. This is the first time that I heard Jarred in that tone. It’s so cold that it sends shivers down every bone of my body. I got scared. This might be something serious.
“Look Jarred, this is extremely hard for me. All my life, I was alone. And it’s just so hard for me to adjust to these things. You have been giving me things—good things, that I never knew of. And you make me feel everything as if they’re completely new. I’m just afraid that you’ll someday go away. And I will be left alone again. I don’t want to expect anything, because I know how it feels like to be rejected. Well, many times. Until you came.” I explained, not looking him in the eye, but nevertheless, still crying.
“So all these time, for the past six months, you were still unsure about how I feel for you? Is that it, Raffie?”
“No, no. It’s not like that. God, if there is one thing in this world that I am sure of, it’s that you love me—and most of all I love you. That we love each other. And because of that, these past six months have been the happiest months of my life. Do you get that? I know I was too hard on you, and I’m sorry.” I sincerely gave it a shot. I looked at him and I saw that his face is dim, it has lost its usual glow.
“Please don’t look at me like that.”I continued. “I’m really really sorry.”
“Raf…” He held my shoulders and went on, “I’m here now. Whatever happened to you before I came, I don’t give a fuck. Yeah, I know you’ve been hurt. And believe me I know how it feels, so I won’t do that to you. And you will never be alone again. You got a good thing right here. I love you, always remember that. Okay?” And he kissed me on the forehead.
“Thank you, babe. I’m just afraid. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be scared of anything.” Jarred took my hand and kissed it like it was supposed to take all the hurt away. And it did.