A lot can happen in nine months. A lot can change.
January
I was on autopilot at first. Smiling for pictures, signing autographs, answering questions. Every meeting and public appearance, I was there, but my mind was somewhere else. I was just going through the motions, depressed.
But when I was alone and every spare moment I had, I was writing down lyrics. It kept me busy, and my thoughts off other things. And it helped me sort through my emotions.
I wanted to hate Marshall.
Another man who clearly didn't care about me or my feelings, who used me till he grew bored. They're all the same, all wanting one thing. Hiding their true intentions behind sweet words and affectionate touches.
I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't.
After everything with Daniel, I should've known better. I had no one to blame but myself for what happened. Marshall and I were never exclusive. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know if we even had a date. Was that night at the beach even a date? I didn't know anymore. There were no rules, no labels, no promises between us. He had no obligations to me. It was a fling and nothing more. No need for heart break.
What I will miss most of all will be our friendship. Our talks- about any and every thing. Laughing with him and being completely silly. How caring he was and how smart. Both of us were able to be ourselves around each other. I've never met anyone but Angie that I can be that way with. And even though it didn't end well between us, I miss him.
But it's best for everyone I don't get involved with him again. When I care about someone, those feelings don't just go away overnight. And I'm not going to make the same mistake twice with him.
Angie half-heartedly suggested I try dating again. And I thought about it. But I made a decision once not to date, and I didn't stick to it. This time though, it's sticking. No more relationships, no dating, no flirting, no more heartbreak. No men.
And life went on.
The rumor circulating that me and Daniel were back together was squashed once more pictures from that night at Lotus were released, showing him leaving the club with another girl. As he continued his philandering ways, a different girl every week, and I was alone miles and miles away, the truth was settled.
Marshall dropped My Name Is. It was an instant hit. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing the catchy hook. It was all over the radio and TRL. They were talking about him and his lyrics on every media outlet. Everyone was memorizing and rapping it. Eminem was quickly rising in fame.
I'd catch glimpses of the music video on tv screens, him and Dre, and my mind would drift to him telling me about filming it. Or I'd hear it in blasting through people's speakers as they drive by and think about the first time I spoke to him. How this was exactly what he dreamed about. He was everywhere and he was always on my mind.
I couldn't forget about him even if I tried.
February
I filled pages and pages with lyrics. Once I was free from other obligations, I went straight to the studio with notebooks filled with old and new songs. Track after track was recorded. I barely left the studio, the whole month of February.
Some songs were about heartbreak. Others were about opening my heart and new love like, If You Had My Love. Sometimes I was happy. But mostly I wasn't. It was the most honest and emotional album I've ever written.
I worked on each song, perfecting every track. Before I knew it, the album that I was working on that was originally intended for the summer was almost finished, months ahead of schedule. Interscope was ecstatic. So we put the word out, and started promoting the album hoping for a March release.
No one, including myself, thought I'd be dropping anything so soon. A surprise album, they called it. Jeff warned me that with such a short time to promote, record sales might be low. But I didn't care about the numbers or money anymore. I just needed it all off my chest, and if my fans wanted to give it a listen they could. I'm sure they'd find something they'd enjoy or even relate to.
While I was recording, Marshall released his highly anticipated album, The Slim Shady LP, on February 23rd. And like we all predicted, he really did blow up. He reached an incredible level of success immediately that went beyond what he gained from My Name Is. He was all over the charts. There wasn't a newsstand, radio station, or tv that didn't play his music or show his face.
I wasn't keeping tabs on him. I tried so hard to avoid any news of him. But all of it is in my face or people are talking about it in the same room as me. I did my best to tune it out. But I was happy for my once friend.
March
Marshall made forgetting him difficult that month.
Everyone was constantly talking about him since he released his album. I heard his name everywhere.
His controversial lyrics had people saying he was homophobic and misogynistic, and glorified drugs and violence. While the kid's were worshipping him, parents hated him and wanted his content banned from many media outlets. I couldn't help but to think that was a bit unfair. I've heard quite a few of his new songs through the radio, and even the ones I've already heard before. He was not serious about anything he said and it's just music. But all the negative press only made him more popular and more talked about.
He was already involved in a few publicized feuds too. He was known as the man who wasn't afraid to state his opinion, and no one was safe from it. He continued to poke fun at various pop icons and was either trashing them in interviews or dissing them in his songs.
Which made me wary about what he had to say about me. Of course, he wasn't the one with hurt feelings from how we left things. That would be me, if anyone. But, I guess I didn't really know him or know what he would or would not do apparently. Any private moment between us that we shared during that short span of time, could be used as an anecdote in his next song or a joke in an interview. However, in those nine months, he only mentioned my name once. To the public at least.
He was on TRL, March 3rd. I didn't watch it, but Angie caught the show and let me know what he said about me. Carson Daly of course brought up my prediction last year that he'd be interviewing Eminem soon and that, since he was there, I was correct. Angie said Marshall had been acting weird the whole interview and there was tension between him and Mark Wahlberg. But when Carson asked about me being a fan of his, Marshall answered more serious, "Ah, man. It's crazy. Never in a million years thought she'd know my name, you know what I mean? Sweetest girl, you know. She's, uh, she's dope."
I was surprised. It was actually nice. Odd.
I released my first album under Interscope on March 4th. I called it: Me, Myself and I. And album sales went through the roof. The reviews were mostly all positive too, much better than I expected. I never normally look at them but of course Jeff had to read them all to me. They all noticed the new direction I've taken in my music, blending pop and R&B. One review said, it was 'proof of Arden's true colors as an artist.' as well as my most compelling work. Another said my lyrics were, 'emotional, true, personal, and deep.'
I filmed a music video for my single, If You Had My Love, a few days later. We shot it over a couple of days and it's different than any other I've done before. During the video, everyone; men, women, kids, are watching me on livestream through webcams. I'm watched by people as I sing and dance, all alone in a room. The director told me he came up with the idea because I'm always in the public eye and under observation. How true. It had a successful premiere and was featured on TRL, along with Marshall's video. Often they'd be played in the same lineup.
Over the next few weeks, so many artists and producers called or sent cards or emails just to congratulate me. It was overwhelming. Dre called too and told me he loved the album, it was nice to hear from him. I've seen more of Nicole in the last couple months than him.
I even received flowers. A dozen beautiful red roses.
The note attached simply read:
Katie,
Congrats on the album
-Marshall
First the interview, now this? I wasn't sure why he decided to send them, or what he expected of me. Was he trying to get me to forgive him or talk to him? After everything that happened, it was too little, too late. But then again, it could have just been a kind gesture.
April
With my new album out, I started to tour. For the next three months I performed around the U.S., hitting almost all the major cities. I always enjoyed performing and being on stage is exhilarating. Singing is truly my passion. But the fans are what make it so amazing. I was able to meet so many of them, taking photos and signing autographs. It's overwhelming, knowing I have such an impact on other's lives.
Marshall was in Rolling Stone. I didn't read the article, but I know what a big deal it is to make the cover.
May
I took a small break from touring to go to New York City for the week. I was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live for the second time of my career. Sarah Michelle Geller was the host, and it was the last episode of the season.
It's always so much fun doing SNL. The cast is hilarious and I laughed more than I did in months thanks mostly to Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, and Molly Shannon. We rehearsed a lot and that Saturday performed live, on air; Heartbreaker and If You Had My Love. After, I joined them for their wrap party. It was so special to be apart of such an incredible show that I grew up watching.
June
June brought some interesting news.
I was talking on the phone with Nicole. She wanted to chat and catch up, since I haven't seen her or Dre in months. Not knowing anything that happened between the two of us, she mentioned how she was going to one of Marshall's Warped Tour shows with Dre. I guess Paul did get him on the line up. Good for him.
Then she said Marshall got married. To his 'crazy baby mama'. Nicoles words, not mine.
I was honestly surprised, sure he hated his ex from everything he said about her, until I saw a picture of them on Access Hollywood.
Kim Scott, now Kim Mathers- Hailie's mother and Marshall's wife-was the same blonde woman I saw him making out with at Dre's studio months ago.
It made a lot more sense now. He went back to Detroit, not only to Hailie, but to her. His ex, the woman he made a baby with, the woman he loved. Still loves, obviously. He married her.
I worry about whether or not Marshall was truthful to me when I met him. Worry that maybe I unknowingly was a side chick for a while. I don't know but the thought disgusts me. I tried not to think about it though. I've moved on from all that and won't back track.
Like Marshall was a few months back, I was asked about him only once. I was at a radio station for an interview, and they asked me how I knew him, and my thoughts on his success.
I answered plainly, "I met Eminem briefly last year. I think he's doing amazing and I'm very happy for him."
And it's true. I was happy for him and his fame. Marshall and I once talked a lot about coming from nothing and struggling to get where we are today. This is everything he wanted and I'm happy for his musical success.
And if I took a step back, and be the bigger person and take my own feelings out of the mix....I could try to be happy for him and his wife. His lyrics and what he has said to me about her in the past aside, they obviously must love each other if they got married. They were able to find the kind of love that not many people can find.
July
I didn't want to celebrate my birthday. I'm not a big fan of birthdays for myself, though I love celebrating other people's. It's one of those days I don't mind letting pass right by. And turning 22 isn't a big deal anyways. Angie, however, loves celebrating my birthday and embarrassing me at the same time. So on July 14th, she flew to Chicago where I was doing a show and surprised me. There she brought a cake onstage and showed a video that my team made with a bunch of celebrities saying Happy Birthday to me. The fans thought it was awesome and I loved it. It was so special.
Angie and I hung out for the rest of the weekend. We even went dancing.
We were sober the entire time, per my request, and it was a lot of fun. There, I met a man who we danced with a lot. He was good looking and tall. Funny and sweet. And I had a great time with him. But when he asked for my number I told him no.
He might have made me laugh and he might have been handsome, but he did nothing for me. I felt nothing when he smiled at me or when he "accidentally" brushed up against me. I wished I felt something though. I wished I could look at another man and just develop some feelings, like I did so easily with Marshall once. But I couldn't.
August
Since finishing tour, I've called New York City home.
After more than three years of staying in hotels and tour buses on the road, I decided it was time to find a place of my own. I was done living out of multiple suitcases and changing locations every few weeks. I wanted stability, a place I could come home to every night. And since I no longer had a label controlling my every move and setting my schedule, I could go anywhere and do whatever I wanted.
New York seemed like the best choice. I'm always coming here anyways. It has all the best studios, with some of the greatest producers. It's where all the talk shows were and all the big news stations. And anything else I need to do, I can just make sure it's in New York so I don't have to leave. But if I ever did, JFK airport was close by too.
The penthouse is in the city; has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a large beautiful kitchen for me to cook in, a balcony with an amazing view, and plenty of additional space. They offer amenities such as; concierge, pool, fitness center, an entertainment room, and a basketball court. There's a doorman and full time security guards in the building, and a private underground garage. They claim it's all absolutely "paparazzi-proof", so I was sold. And at $2 million dollars, it's the biggest purchase I've ever made, next to a brand new car I bought myself two years ago.
Bree, the one who found me the place, got a huge bonus, and I got a home. Sort of.
I don't see myself staying here forever. It still feels like a hotel in a way, just bigger. But it's convenient and a good solution to most of my problems. Some day I'll buy a real home. That dream home I've always wanted. But for now, the apartment is perfect.
I get to decorate and do whatever I want here at least. I took all my things out of storage that I've had locked away these past few years. I'm pretty sentimental, so I have a lot of pictures and old keepsakes. But there's some other things like clothes, furniture, and CD's too. And of course, all my awards. I knew someday I'd have a place to display them proudly.
I unpacked it all, along with the things I've been traveling with.
Among it, I still have Marshall's jacket, from that night at the beach. His CD's he gave me are wrapped inside it. As well as a picture.
It's from one of the days at the studio in December, of me and Marshall. We're on the couch in my recording room. I have my legs draped across his lap, his hand on my thigh. And we're both making these ridiculously silly faces. We both look so happy and had so much fun together. I looked so much different in the picture. I wondered how much Marshall has personally changed.
The jacket was in one of my bags, mostly untouched. The CD's not listened to. The photo, not looked at for months until now. I wasn't able to get rid of any of them.
So I keep all of it in a box, in the back of my closet. Maybe some day I'll be able to part with them. But for now they're still fond memories I want to keep.
September
I got the invitation to the 1999 MTV Video Music Award's. Not only will I be attending but my song, If You Had My Love, and it's video is nominated for Best Female Video and Video of the Year. And they've asked me to be a presenter for one of the categories, the Best New Artist in a Video award.
My favorite part of award shows is you get to see your friends and all the people you look up to in one room, even see them perform. And to support each other, be there to congratulate them as they win an award. It's all amazing and usually a lot of fun. Presenting is a big honor too.
I was excited to go and present until I found that out Marshall would be there. But of course he would be there. His album has been so successful, of course it's nominated. He's even performing. I figured I just had to suck it up, get through the night. We were bound to cross paths eventually. Maybe I wouldn't even see him. I had already accepted to attend and present anyways.
And then I found out Eminem was up for Best New Artist in a Video. Which is the award I'll be presenting.
And it's all happening tonight.
But that's fine. I have nothing to worry about anyways. I'm completely over Marshall Mathers.
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A/N
This was just an update on Katie and Marshall since they last saw each other, so we can jump right into the story again.
I was super tired writing it, and it ended up blurring together so hopefully it's not too bad. I feel like I kept saying a bunch of the same stuff over and over again, sorry! I'll go back another day and clean it up, but I really wanted to get it out there! (Also, double update!)
I wanted this chapter to show Katie's struggle of moving on. She's getting over a break-up that basically never really happened (no "relationship", no real breakup) and it's her second relationship where she feels like the guy never wanted her. She's moved her focus back onto her career. Each month she's a little more "over him". But she's forcing herself to forget him and think positive and stuff. I hope, I was able to show that it's a struggle and maybe she's not as over him as she thinks she is.