~Eleanor~
She raises her head from the ground, her eyes meeting mine. She freezes in her spot. She shakes her head as I walk closer to her signaling me that she doesn't want to talk to me, but I ignore her. I continue making my way towards her until I am standing directly in front of her. I'm off to a better start than with Blair, Vivienne hasn't told me to go to hell already.
"Can I talk to you? Please," I add at the last minute. She starts shaking her head once again, but she looks less convinced than Blair was. Vivienne has always been the nice one. I always thought that she put all her dark emotions in her writing, keeping only the positive ones in her life. Maybe I should try that one day. "Please, Vivienne, let me explain why I lied to you about Ben." I try to sound as desperate as possible and it works, she nods her head, signaling me that I can try and explain myself.
"I... I just wanted a place that wasn't filled with hockey. I know it's hard to understand, but it's the truth. My high school years were just hockey and a wanted a place, I wanted people who didn't care about that. I'm very sorry Viv." Her eyes are focused on me as I speak, but her arms are crossed on her chest as if she was protecting herself from me. She stays silent for a minute to process what I just told her. My heart beats fast in my chest as I wait for her to speak.
"We would have understood that. If we would have known, I mean. We wouldn't have harassed you with that. It wouldn't have changed a thing. It's that you think it would have that upsets me. I have to go now, I have a meeting with Mr. Langley for my final submission for the horror festival. Bye Eleanor." Her tone is flat, and she speaks to me as if she didn't care, but her sad eyes show the opposite. The last thing I wanted was to hurt them, especially Vivienne. But I did, I know I did, and it kills me.
"Will you ever forgive me?" She was already past me, but she stops walking when she hears my question. She turns around to face me once more.
"Probably," she answers with a small smile that reliefs some of the heaviness in my chest. "But don't count on Blair's forgiveness." She doesn't wait for an answer, she turns around once more before walking towards Matthew's office.
For now, her answer satisfies me. I didn't expect an immediate forgiveness, so her "probably" is good enough for now. She just needs a little time, and so does Blair. Maybe Blair just needs even more time, but it's okay. I have time. I have until May when school ends. That's plenty of time, at least I hope so.
I decide against going back to cross-country. There's only half an hour left to the class and Matthew wrote me a note to explain why I was absent, so I'll just give it to my professor next week and, hopefully, he'll let me take the test again. Instead, I walk around campus, wondering what my life would have been if I would have lived in the dorms like Bair and Vivienne do. Would I have made more friends? I like to think I would have, even if I am not the type of girl who needs to have many friends to be happy. Maybe I would have attended more parties. There's always someone throwing one whether it's in a frat house, a sorority or a dorm floor. Blair once told me that there was, one weekend of our freshmen year, four parties at the same time. In the three years I've been here, I only went to two parties when Ben was away, and the girls and I had made plans before they were invited to one and wanted to go. Unlike many university students, I was never drunk at a frat party and I never woke up in a bed I didn't recognize. I was always the designated sober person who would watch out for her friends to not end up drunk in a bed they didn't recognize. I never really minded though. I don't like being drunk, losing control over my own body scares me a lot. The only times I drink are when I am with Ben, so he can look after me.
If I hadn't come here with Ben, would I have cozied up with another guy? Would I have ended up like Blair, dating boys from every program until I met "the one?" I would have probably kissed Matthew at the end of our Tim Horton's date. Maybe I would have been caught up in one of those student-professor affairs that ruins everyone's life. He would have lost his job and I would have ruined my reputation.
If I wasn't with Ben, I wouldn't be pregnant right now. I would continue living a "normal" life, going to class, and doing my homework. I wouldn't have an appointment at an OB-GYN office next Tuesday. I wouldn't have vitamins to take every day and anti-nausea pills prescriptions. I wouldn't be worried about money for diapers and clothes and lacking space for the crib. I wouldn't have analyzed the stairs in my apartment building this morning before leaving for school. I wouldn't have looked at car seats when I went to Walmart Saturday.
My life would have been a lot simpler without Ben, but, when I think about never seeing him again or never have met him at all, tears form in my eyes, and it takes all of my willpower to keep them in. No matter how complicated our life together gets, I wouldn't change it, I would never wish for something else. I would go through hell for this man. But the most important thing is that I know he would too. I love him, and I'll always do. That's why I decide to do something I haven't done in a really long time. Instead of taking the bus that would lead me home, I take the one that stops at the arena. When I get there, I'll go sit in the bleachers to watch the practice or what is left of it, and once he's done, we'll go out for lunch. I know he isn't allowed to play right now because of his concussion, but I am certain that he will be at the arena, sitting on the bench. That's just the way he is, and I wouldn't change him for the world.