~Eleanor~
I don't know what to say. If I am honest like I know I should be, it might bring us back to that dark place we seem to have come out of. If I lie, I don't know which lie would be believable enough. Why couldn't he wait to ask that question? Why does he have to suddenly care about those girls? I know it will hurt him to learn that I lied about him for three years, but I also know that he needs to know. The truth always comes out. I watched Pretty Little Liars, I know that. I take a few deep breaths, getting ready to face the hurt in his eyes.
"I lied about what you did for a living. I don't even know why anymore, I think I wanted them to accept me and you. When they drove me to the hospital, they saw Mr. Freeman and they heard him say how you injured yourself, so the secret came out. I'm sorry Ben. I know I shouldn't have." This is half a truth and half a lie. I know exactly why I lied. I lied to stop being tied to hockey. I lied to avoid them asking about games or if he had any hot and single teammates. I lied to escape his world in one aspect of my life. I liked them not knowing. I liked creating him a new life. I guess that's the writer in me.
I await his reaction, but for now, he is speechless. He is looking at me from his spot on the sofa, his eyes filled with what I think is incomprehension. He opens his mouth to speak, his brows scrunching down. My heart beats faster with every second he stays silent. I think I would prefer if he would be screaming at me.
"Why? You're ashamed?" he says with a small voice that is betraying how hurt he is actually feeling. I shake my head immediately. That's exactly what I didn't want him to think.
"No, of course not. I was so desperate to make friends that I said everything I thought they wanted to hear. The first thing I learned about Blair was that she was a judgmental bitch, and those words came from her best friend. I didn't want her to judge you because of who you are." I can still hear Vivienne's voice saying those words and Blair's laugh when she agreed.
"And you never told them because?" he asks after taking a moment to assimilate my answer.
"Because I know they would never talk to me again once they knew. I'm really sorry Ben." And I am. I know it would hurt him if he ever found out which is why I had planned to never tell him. I would have casually lost touch with Blair and Vivienne once Ben would have been drafted pro in another city. No one would have gotten hurt, no one would have found out. That was the plan I had in my head. Of course, the plans you make in your head rarely come true.
"What did you tell them about me?" I resume the life I created for him as shortly as possible. He nods a few times but stays quiet. "You really are a writer. Never met someone with your imagination before," he adds once I'm done. I don't know if he meant it as a bad thing or not.
"I'm sorry." His eyes turn from hurt to angry in a second.
"Yeah, you said that," he adds sharply, his tone dry. I lower my eyes, avoiding his intense and angry stare.
"Are you mad?" I look up at him to see him roll his eyes. Okay, I admit that was a stupid question.
"I'm not mad, I'm hurt that you thought you had to lie about me to make friends." I'm honestly surprised by his answer. It's not everyday your jock of a boyfriend tells you exactly how he feels. I take a few seconds to process his answer. I get where he is coming from and I know that me not telling him the entire truth isn't helping, but I know that the whole truth would hurt him more. I just hope it's something he can get over it. I change the subject, hoping to get his mind off of what he just found out.
"I called Dre. Hudson, the OB-GYN, while you were out. I've got an appointment Tuesday at eleven. Can you come?" I keep my voice down as if I was trying to not startle him. I spent most of the week he was away googling OB-GYN doctors in Windsor with open spots. At first, I wanted to wait to see if we were going to stay here, but then I realized that I couldn't wait that long, and most importantly I knew that he or she couldn't wait that long without medical advices. It still feels surreal to have to think about someone else's needs, even more when that someone isn't even born yet. With a click of my fingers, I became a mother without even being aware of the transformation. It happened on its own, like an automatism as if a switch had been turned on in my brain. This morning, after breakfast, I found myself walking around the rooms in our apartment wondering where the room would be. I set my eyes on the spot beside the couch. I moved it a little to the right, so we could have enough room for a crib. I don't even know if it's realistic, it's just what I had in mind this morning.
"I'll work it out. I missed the first one, I don't want to miss this one." He looks at the kitchen where he taped the ultrasound picture on the fridge. That's the first thing I noticed when I woke up this morning, but I didn't say anything, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. It warmed my heart though. Just like his answer did. I smile and nod before grabbing his hand that was lying on his thigh. Good, he doesn't snatch it away, maybe he's not that mad anymore.
"I'm really sorry about the lying, Ben. I know I shouldn't have," I say looking directly at him. "I just don't want you to think that it's because I am ashamed of who you are or of what you do. I'm hella proud, I hope you know that." I get a small smile from him when I say the word "hella." He never thought I was believable when I used curse words, so it makes him laugh every time.
"You should try and work it out with them. I don't want you to not have any friends here." I nod, promising to make an effort even if I know that it won't change much.
***
Vote and comment xx