a/n: i suggest you to re-read the last chapter so that this update would sink in. love you to death.
...
xvii. death of a heart
[ ludvico einaudi - nefeli ]
LISA.
I love you, Lisa that phrase was repeating inside my head wondering which part of it was a lie. And how I just realized now that everything she said to pull my heart into her were never as equal as to the love she'll sacrifice to Roseanne. Unfortunately I was right, it didn't took long.
It didn't took long enough for me to make my worst nightmare come into reality. One was seeing Jen over Roseanne. Confessing all the love she has to the maiden. Baring each other's lips, fondling, caressing. Skin to skin. Right in front of me. Right inside the studio that I gave her as a gift. Both sharing a kiss under the dimmed lights of the room.
I wanted to destroy the walls. Expose them and their doing. Exploit them for playing with my feelings. You just had to fuck me over again Jen! My eyes burned. My veins were in flames. I can feel my skin peeling out of heat. I was in strenuous anger. One in which you want the devil himself to avenge you.
My jealousy was in the grave. Cutting my throat, slashing my bones, crumbling my heart into ashes. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to blow myself up. I was barely breathing as tears started to melt through my face.
I took a step back as the nervous pounding of my heart weakened my knees, but they heard me, their eyes immediately saw my shadow. Of course they were frightened, scared, worried. Although words were not spoken at that moment, we knew the chaos inside our minds too well. It was at war. Hostility and anger mixed the fumes in the atmosphere. "Oh, Lisa I-" Roseanne stuttered in a frail voice as they both stopped.
I shook my head out of disbelief as my eyes nailed onto Jen's, "You should've said so, Jen." A tear rolled down my face as both of my jaw and fist clenched. She didn't speak, but I saw her eyes, she was about to cry herself. "Sorry to fucking disturb you." I was enraged as I walk out of the studio. Each step was heavier than the next, I felt mangled. I managed to start my car and dash out but not seconds later, Jen's Volkswagen was chasing me from behind. I still kept crying as I sip everything inside of my titanic brandy flask.
I only look at you.
I love you, Lisa. I do.
The dawning of our memories flashing through my head made my heart more scarred. Was it all a facade? Was it all words? To trick me? To break me more after?
The alcohol just numbed my senses more. I was blind, blurred, distorted from reality. I'm drunk and I'm broken just the right way to slowly kill myself. "LISA! STOP! TALK TO ME!" I can hear her desperate scream as she tries to chase me from the sides. I turned my eyes towards her and just blankly stared at Jen. I was senseless.
And in split seconds, I felt my system having no control of the wheels. I just feel dazed. Then few seconds after, I felt like crashing. The car stopped with a big bump and I felt nauseous and dizzy. I just realized that I crashed at a nearby post lamp, I didn't care if I had a wound, my heart was bleeding too much. "Fucking great!" I cursed as I sip another shot on the brandy flask and got out of the car. As I stepped outside I saw Jen's car right in front of me, I quickly turned my back and walked the opposite direction. Just because I didn't want to see her face. I didn't want the pain to grow further. I just wanna get out. Run away.
"LISA PLEASE LET'S TALK!" Her voice wanted me to stop but I knew that if I did I'll bleed in front of her and I couldn't afford that breakdown. "FUCKING LEAVE!" I was adamant as I tried my best to walk straight. The road seemed rippled.
"I WON'T!"
"I'M DONE YOU'VE HURT ME ENOUGH!" I yelled as I doubled my pace. But just as I thought I could walk away easily she suddenly embraces me from behind.
She caught me again.
And I let her,
Again.
She held me so tight that I couldn't move a foot forward. "No. Don't walk away. I know it hurts but don't walk away." Her crippled voice brought back all the memories we had. All those that have nourished my heart and my life. So I stood frozen as the pain was slowly breaking into my system.
"You're breaking my heart, Jen." My voice was shaking. Admitting that made my heart more vulnerable, scared, and in gloom. I held on to her arms which were on my waist. "You swore not to but what have you done?" I continued to shatter. She holds me tighter as I hear her sob. " I messed up. I didn't mean it. I swear."
Anger breached. She can't just say a generic excuse after ruining the trust that I have left for her. "For fuck's sake grow up Jen!" I let go of her embrace with force as I faced her. It was painful seeing her. "Seriously!? That's all you've got!? You just say that you fucking messed up and I need to forgive you now because oh! apparently I'm used to getting hurt so why not do it to me again right?!" With scorching eyes, I tried my best to be strong enough to speak. To rage out. To spill all the pain.
"I never said that Lisa." She rebutted.
"Well fuck then why does it feel like it?!"
"I love you, you know that."
"You still have the audacity to tell me that after slurring your mouth all over Roseanne?!"
"She knows!" Jen interrupted and I stood frozen all of a sudden.
"What do you mean she knows?!"
"Chaeyoung. She somehow remembers Chaeyoung." She revealed.
"You told her?!" I was bewildered.
"No. She just told me she knows Chaeyoung's memories and it lives with her." Jen continued. "And I don't know. Knowing that I-" Sadness were in her eyes. The kind that has mourned for years. It resurfaced. "-I just couldn't stop my heartbreak. I just lost it when I remembered all the pain I went through. I broke down. Remembering Chaeyoung has always been tormenting and I'm sorry that I was vulnerable and that I missed her. I'm sorry that I didn't stop. I'm sorry that Chaeng makes me weak. But I love you, Lisa."
Hearing that just made me realize that she was not the soul for me. It never was. I just forced it to be mine.
"You know what I'm sorry for?" My voice cracked as tears started falling. I'm breaking my own heart. "I'm sorry that I forced you to live as Jen! I'm sorry that I told you that I'll fight to win you when I knew I've already lost from the beginning!"
"Baby, you never did. Don't say that. Don't stop fighting for us." She shook her head instantaneously.
"I'm sorry but the time when you kissed Roseanne was the same time I knew I had to stop fighting." I blurted out.
"Lisa, it was a mistake! I didn't mean to take that kiss."
"That wasn't a mistake. I saw your eyes. You wanted to kiss her. You've always wanted to. You just didn't want to tell me."
"I thought she was Chaeyoung, it provoked me to. The memories. The hurt."
"Which is why fighting for this is useless. You'd never be the soul that loved me before. You are Chaeyoung's Jennie and your heart still mourns for her & I could not change that. I could not heal that. And I hate you for it, because now? You've left me clueless, I thought I only loved Jen but you made me fall in love with Jennie too. Now how am I suppose to live knowing that I'll never get both?" I expressed as the feeble cold air shocked my body. I can feel my system all crashing down from the emotions that was too overwhelming to take.
"Hey, hey. Look at me." Her quivering palms caressed my face and I just went on melt down as my eyes bawled out. Baring my shattered self in front of the woman I love. She whispers under her shaking voice, "I love you too. Do you hear me? Whoever I am, what name I might have, regardless of it all, I'm still in love with you." I closed my eyes as I tried to feel the radiating warmth of Jen's hands.
I shook my head continuously, my heart wanted her to say that but I knew she was lying to herself. "Do you, really? Or you just say that because you don't want to feel guilty of hurting me a lot of times?" I said in defiance.
"You think being Jen has been easy for me?! I had to figure out tons of feelings and try my best not to hurt anyone. Imagine being dragged into a time where you're obligated to act as the perfect rich heir, to study your most hated college degree, to see the face of a dead lover everyday and do everything in your power to give love to a stranger because apparently she's supposed to be the only woman you'll love in that lifetime."
"THEN FUCKING DON'T LOVE ME OKAY?" My lungs burned out and the burning of my flesh didn't help my self-remorse either. "BUT I ALREADY AM. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. IT JUST TOOK AWHILE." Jen cried as she burst, she grabs hold of my hands again as our foreheads locked. Letting go of each other's breaths in rhythm. She lowly utters, "And I'm sorry that it took awhile, I'm sorry that I only gave you heartbreak. But I swear to the stars, I wanted to love you as bad as you love me." Her tone was graving and shattering at the same time. Now I didn't know what to do.
Shall I convince myself? This is what I wanted right? Stripping her bare soul in front of me. Confessing her adoration. Pleading for me to give the same love back. I should want this but I'm too hurt to accept it. Such irony does this universe have. Just right when the galaxy have finally aligned my chosen fate, it also decides to numb me in pain, doubt and hurt so that I could never see which one's the brighter star. Huh, it knows me too well.
"Forgive me. I'm here now. Please don't go." And like a dust in the void an embrace from her caught me in question. Yet it was tight and warm as always but I didn't get what I was feeling. "You said you'll stay, remember? So stay." Underneath her tears was a plead waiting to be granted.
I took a long breath, "I'm standing in the middle of a dark aggravating road, broken and drunk, and with the love of my life telling me to stay because she's ready to love me just as the same time that I am ready to let go. You're offering me the death of my heart, my love." I asserted as I have given up of thinking of ways to better this situation.
"It's okay. We have time." I can feel her hands nimbling at the sides. "Think about it. It's my turn to wait. Just don't say you're letting me go. Okay?" Her pleading lips were so close that I had to kiss it. For my sanity's sake I had to taste her sweetness of her inner flavors again, maybe to take my pain in a bliss. Slowly. I claimed her lips. "Mmm" She moaned as I suck all of her.
"Baby, I can't." I gasped in between our kisses. Then she stopped. We stopped as she buried her neck under mine and embraced me again. I leaned against her head as I sobbed, "I'm sorry but my heart is tired." I heavily murmured. I had to tell her the truth. "I love you." And steadily I kissed her forehead as we ached each other's pain, I closed my eyes as her tame skin felt familiar again.
I love her to death. Oh, I do. But this chaos has just voided my understanding of what I need. I just need to breathe on my own for awhile. Without anyone's thoughts clouding me. And letting go was the only way to do that.
"I love you, my Kim. Whatever soul you are." I whispered dearly as if it was my last breath.
JENNIE.
Inhale
Exhale
Breathe
Breathe for me
Breathe for me baby...
I suddenly felt the nostalgia clawing my skin. I didn't want to open my eyes yet because it was painful. I was warped to a heavy hole back to a very familiar street. It was cold and snowing, the December ambiance was there alright, and that stroke a painful past.
How could I forget.
New York. 42nd street. But instead of seeing Chaeyoung lying down dead in the middle of the ice cold street it was me who was laying instead, with Lisa holding me. In tears. In great grief. Wait. I realized I was back in the day where I tried saving Lisa from an approaching car. It happened so quickly that I forgot that that moment ever existed. The moment of my death. My last breath.
"Baby, please stay with me. Help is coming." I heard Lisa's cracking voice and she was breaking down. "Stay alive. Please. Jennie." She held me dearly as she kissed me on the forehead amidst the ice cold air collapsing my body.
Unexpectedly, i heard that familiar sound of an ambulance and the tick tock of the clock again as I was swallowed by darkness again and redirected me to a hospital bed. I saw myself. I was pale, unconscious, and barely breathing. I was in a sleeping coma.
I'm alive?!
"There has still no progress on her brain activity after 3 months. And with these results it may take more months or maybe even years to say that she's recovered from the brain injury." Dr. Schwartz, our family's neurosurgeon was standing next to Lisa. Their voices were warped.
"She's still in a vegetative state right? The chances of her to wake up is still high." She asked with so much worry.
"Currently, yes. But if this unresponsive brain activity continues then she would most likely deteriorate. Unfortunately." The doctor quickly exited the room after informing her.
Then Lisa held my cold hands. And I felt her warmth. Her care. Her love. "You hear that Jennie? You need to fight. I need you." I can hear Lisa's heart breaking and so was mine. "New York needs her artist back." She continued to whisper. "You don't have the right to leave me okay? Not when I haven't said what I needed to say. So open your eyes, and let me say it to you."
I could only feel the shivers down my spine, daunting me with fear as I realized that my flesh was possibly still breathing on my own world. I still have the chance to go back to Jennie. My person. My body. Jennie was fighting after all.
And before I could even sink all that I have seen, my body felt very heavy again as I was warped back to the consciousness of my reality. I can feel my lungs breathing air. I brimmed my eyes open as I launched myself out of bed. I was heavily breathing. Nervous. Hostile.
"A dream. It was just a dream." I tried to convince myself but I know there was something more to what I've seen. Was it my reality? Jennie's alive?
...
The flowing facade of the white lace curtains of my balcony was the first view I saw when I woke up. My heart was still heavy, my head was in burden, and my body felt none but weakness. I had just lost Lisa the other night. The woman I thought I couldn't love fully, but here I am, breaking my heart from the thoughts of what should've been us if I realized my passion for her earlier.
"What did you do?" An instant pop of the door startled me but it was just Jisoo casually invading my apartment so early in the morning. "What?"
"You broke up, did you?"
"Did someone-?"
"No. You sent me a telegram remember? You've fucked up really bad." She grabbed a nearby chair and sat right across my bed facing me.
"Well thanks for the morning motivation." I lazily rolled my eyes. "I just went away for a week and this happened? I thought we were okay with you being Lisa's girlfriend."
"I was and I was happy being hers. I've been doing well in avoiding Roseanne. But out all of a sudden she just tells me that she knows Chaeyoung's memories and boom Jennie's horrible ass was defenseless again." I spoke for myself.
"Horrible is an understatement, darling. You went for the death of your ass and your relationship." Jisoo blurted.
"That? Is not a very helpful thing to say."
"Well telling the truth never helps making things easy. It just rumbles it up more and you know I love watching you suffer." Jisoo shackles up her shameless thoughts again. "You're not really here to help me, are you?" I narrowed my eyes in question and she just bluntly nodded and agreed with a grin. "Ugh." I groaned in frustration.
"But I'm here to sort out if Chaeyoung's memories in Roseanne have something to do with your time travel." Jisoo was determined. Oh wait. Her words snapped something into my mind. "Let me tell you something." I leaned closer to Jisoo as I continued, "I had a weird dream last night. I was back at my own timeframe and I'm laying on a hospital bed with Lisa. I was currently in a three month coma. It was so real though, I felt the pale and slow blood running through my sleeping veins."
"Hmm. That's a very concise dream though." Her eyes were swiveling above as she analyzes deeper. "Don't you think that because Jennie's soul is now aware and has been reminded of Chaeyoung's memories that it triggered her flesh to wake? I mean you've said it yourself, Chaeyoung is the strongest force you can't fathom and overcome."
Her conclusion boggled me. That made a lot of sense. But will it only mean that I can only get a glimpse of my reality yet never be in it again?
"Do you think me knowing about Roseanne's memories of Chaeyoung will bring me back to my time?" I asked. "Yes. But I don't know what kind of memory or moment will trigger you to completely bring you back. All we know is that you're alive now. And your soul has reconnected to your body." Jisoo answered, I stood silent. I was alive all along.
"But the question is, do you want to go back there? To your own timeframe?" I choked at her question. I seemed clueless of what I want, because I don't know which one would do better for me.
"I don't know. Right now, I just want to sort out things with Roseanne and Lisa. And fix what I've damaged." I expressed as the pain resonated through my heart.
"And how's that going out for you?" Her brows doubted me and she's never been right. "There goes your look again." I pointed out nonchalantly
"What look?" Jisoo's annoyed face appeared.
"That look."
"There's no look, Jen."
"That prejudice look you give me every time I'll attempt to do something, you're doing it right now."
"It's not my fault that you fail every time you try."
"See! I-" I gasped at her bluntness.
"Don't even bother to argue, sweetie." I could only roll my eyes. "Well if that's the case you have more reason to help me."
"Damn right I have. What are best friends for?" Her confident smirk may have eased me from my anxiety. "So, where should I go?"
"You need to talk to Roseanne and explain everything."
...
ROSEANNE.
My guilt has been eating me these past few days and you know I don't settle with just sitting by a café and kill myself out of overthinking the worst scenarios. I had to vent out and talk to Lisa.
"Hey babe, you don't seem alright. What's bugging you?" Chanyeol dismissed me from my thoughts as he caressed my from the side of my face. I looked at him. If he finds out what I have done, I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. "Honestly, I need to talk to Jennie but she's been out and about and I couldn't get her to see me." I answered.
"I didn't know you had bad blood. Did both of you fight?" Chanyeol was confused but I should keep him that way. Or he'll blow if he'll know. "It's a girl thing. It's complicated." I simply avoided his growing curiosity.
"Hmm. Maybe I can help you with your attempt of reconciliation. What about Lisa? She's close to Jen maybe she can get you to talk to her." My fiancé suggested and he was right. Why didn't I think of that? "I believe she's in New York doing a big catalogue photoshoot with our new sportswear collection with his brother. I suppose." He revealed as he sips his morning tea.
"When will they come back to Greenwich?" I asked. "Depends. Father has invested tons in this year's campaign so they might be doing the shoot on a big scale, which also means they'll be there for quite long. If you're in a hurry to settle things, I can get you an autocade to New York." I smiled. The gentleman that he's always been.
"That's generous, love but I'll keep myself low to the public and maybe take a train." I politely dismissed his offer. "Alright, whatever you want." He puts himself closer to me as he planted a soft kiss on my cheek.
"Now, I need to do some errands for my mother. Dinner at 8 perhaps?" He kindly made an offer. "Of course." I smiled. "I love you, you're the best!" He kisses me again but this time he does it on the forehead.
"By the way. I need to tell you something too. So see you at dinner okay?" I locked eyes with him. Breaking his heart would suck but lying about everything would be torture. Maybe it was time.
...
I found myself covered up in my trench coat while standing in front of Lisa's hotel room with agitation. Trying to think of the best conversation I could make because I know it'll be awkward as hell. I'm still curious though, on why her face was rather furious than shocked when she saw us on the studio that night. I ended up feeling perplexed as I saw Jen running helplessly to Lisa as if it she was going to die if she didn't. Maybe I'm just seeing half of the picture and I'm keeping my hopes up to see the whole.
I was still drown in my thoughts when, "Hey? Are you just gonna stare at the floor like that?" I flinched as I saw Lisa with a black night dress and a mini whiskey on her hand already leaning against the door frame.
"I—I didn't notice you were—" I choked as I was tensed than ever. "It's very unlikely of you to come here, you know that right?"
"I know but i was wondering if you could help me talk to—"
"Jen?" Her tone was subtle.
"Yes. I just need to settle things with her about the other night. You know what I'm talking about right?"
"Pretty sure I still remember everything." She uttered nonchalantly. "Sadly. For you."
"Yeah and about that. You might have found it weird but what happened was that uhm I uh—" My words weren't coming out. "I saw what I saw, Roseanne. You kissed Jen" She frankly said as she took a sip from her whiskey.
"Technically I uh erh—"
"You kissed my girlfriend. We probably both saw that."
My eyes shot wide open. Did I heard it, right?
"I'm sorry?!" My jaw dropped. She suddenly advanced towards me. My system started shaking as I took a step backward.
"You heard me. You made out with my girlfriend." Her voice became threatening. The tension in the air was eagerly profound. "How'd she taste like?" Lisa's fervent eyes and hoarse voice just worsen my agitation. I felt very uneasy.
"Lisa I—"
"Does she kiss you the same way as she kisses me?"
"I didn't know..." I continued to step back.
"Has she touched you?" Her low register voice sent shivers down my spine as I can already feel my back against the walls of the hallway. Lisa's intoxicating breath was over my lips, "Please stop this." I shuddered.
"How does it feel like? Touching her?" She continued to press me with these question as she was dangerously getting close to my skin.
"You're drunk, Manoban." I pronounced.
She hazily smirks as she shook her head, still not closing the small gap between our faces. My system begin to fraught, my heart's undesirable beating begin to worry me. "I'm broken, Roseanne. What you did broke me." Lisa's voice was so stringent. It was in torment.
My past outlook of them began to shift. All those times I saw them together, it was something more than friendship then? My heart began to feel her sorrow. I should've known better. I broke more people than I've thought I would. "I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't know." I can feel the guilt scrunching my body as tears fell from Lisa's face. "Which makes it more painful." She muttered between her sobbing. "You still won even if I was the only one fighting." Lisa continued.
Now that I've thought of it, me loving Jen has never been so wrong. These strong feelings for her should be forbidden, we're committed to other people. But defying the feeling just makes you want to rebel more? The thought of not fulfilling what you've desire will stir up unspoken emotions that will haunt you for life. Because what ifs will always be your greatest vulnerability. And maybe mine too.
"Tell me." She's giving that stare again, the kind where your mind and voice just shuts. "You love her too, do you?" If I told her the truth, It'll break her more. But what choice do I really have? So I immediately embraced Lisa "I didn't mean to." I mumbled as I quiver. "I love Jen. I'm sorry." Those words came out naturally, although it caused the death of a heart.
...
a/n: let me hear your thoughts.