THERAPY
"T H I N K I N G B O U T T H I N G S
T H A T I S H O U L D N' T B E"
Solana
"You need me to do anything for you while you're there?" Lauryn asked me while she walked with me down the steps, literally beaming because I ended up actually agreeing to go to see the therapist that Isis picked out. After I got off the phone with Isis last night, I made sure to tell Lauryn that I ended up agreeing to go, and she made sure to rub it in my face that I would eventually give in to their bullshit.
I fixed the strings to the hoodie that I was wearing before pulling my hair up into a bun on the top of my head. "No, I think everything's taken care of. Only thing I need you to do while I'm gone is relax and take the day off." I hummed and grabbed my keys before turning to look at her. "And I mean it. Don't let me find out that you've been working while I'm gone, Lauryn. You need a break." I pushed my glasses up my nose and crossed my arms. Even if I told her, she wouldn't listen.
"I'm shocked you're going honestly." Savanna came in from the dining room and sighed. "So you know, while you're in there, you can't get pissed at the woman for doing her job." She chuckled. "She's there to help you, not for you to take your aggression out on." She flicked my thigh.
"I do not take my aggression out on people." I frowned and looked to Lauryn for confirmation, but she was too busy taking her time picking the blueberries out of the muffin that she was eating and tossing them into her mouth.
"Whatever you say, boss lady." Savanna sang and looked at the time on her phone.
"Have you heard from Tommy or have you been too preoccupied with Lupe to care?" Lauryn cocked her head and took a sip from her water bottle. "What happened with you two by the way? You didn't even mention if you two are cool or not."
Savanna rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Lupe and I are cool and it's staying that way. I haven't heard from Tommy after what happened in Vegas."
"Don't worry, cause he'll definitely pop up at some point if he's with Bakari's men." I scoffed, making Lauryn laugh. She was probably mentally recapping what happened last night. "I'm gonna head out now. I should be gone for an hour, and if I don't like the lady; I'm definitely coming back home and never going back to see her." I sang and walked towards the door.
"Give her a try!" Lauryn called back before I closed the door and walked towards the car that I was taking. Thankfully, it was a rainy day in New York and I didn't want to spend a day stuck in a office if it was going to be nice and sunny out.
I tossed by bag into the passenger seat and started the car and instantly connected my phone to the Bluetooth that was inside of it. Almeda by Solange came on instantly, and I officially pulled out of the driveway as I made my way out. Isis set the appointment early, because knowing me... if it was any later, I would've came up with so many other excuses to stay home and relax in my own house.
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By the time I got to the actual office, the rain was officially coming down, so my hoodie was partially soaked in ran. Even the umbrella I had didn't help.
A younger girl was sitting at the front desk who could've at least been peaking twenty. Her hair was a blue-black shade and her lips were painted in a dark brown lipstick that matched the top she had on. "Hi, I'm here for an appointment with Dr. Williams?" I told her and she instantly looked up at me with a smile.
"Hi! Sure, first name?" She asked, quickly typing something on her computer before focusing her attention back on me.
"Solana."
Nodding, she hummed to herself and cleared her throat. "Solana Farris. Got it, if you follow me, I can take you to meet with her. Can I get you anything beforehand? A drink or anything?" She stood up and put her hands behind her back, that's when I took in her appearance and smiled. She had a small pregnancy bump pushing its way through the top she had on. She must've noticed that I was looking at it because she returned the same smile that I had on my face. "She's definitely a little gymnast in there. All she does is twist and turn her way around until she gets what she wants— me eating something that I shouldn't." She chuckled and started walking down the hall.
"How far along are you, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Pushing twenty-six weeks." She smiled. "Truthfully, I'm ready for her to come out so that she can give my bladder a break. She's tiring me out already, and rushing to pee every few minutes is a pain in the ass; but that's my little girl in there... here's Dr. Williams office." We stopped in front of the door and she rubbed her hands on her pants. "Just to let you know, she's probably one of the best at what she does."
"From experience?"
"Mhmm." She nodded before whispering, "I was her patient for a while, but definitely knows what she's doing. She might make you question a lot of things at first, but it'll be worth it in the end." She knocked on the door lightly, and a soft voice answered from behind it. "She's in; have a nice day, Ms. Farris."
"Likewise." I smiled before walking into the large light brown room and looked around, finally seeing the woman who was supposed to help me. She was about my height, but looked like she could've been in her early fifties. Her hair was short and a gorgeous silver-white shade, and her glasses were placed around her neck before she looked up and smiled.
"Ms. Farris." She stood up and walked towards me. "I'm Dr. Williams, it's nice to meet you."
"It's nice to meet you also." I smiled and shook her hand before sitting on the couch as she came closer to sit in one of the chairs. "I just wanna let you know right away, that I'm not really comfortable with doing this. I know Isis picked you but I don't really—" I rambled before she cut me off.
"It's okay if you don't trust me at first, Ms. Farris. This is about building the trust until you can trust not only myself, but your honest emotions. As for Isis and everything else; I've known her for a very long time. I handled her and Brysons couple counseling; so what you all do is nothing new to me. More than likely, that's why she trusts me with you." She chuckled and reached behind her to grab the notebook that was on her desk. "If it makes you feel comfortable; I have a very strict confidentiality policy. Nothing that is discussed leaves these four walls; especially in the cause of you and the Marks family."
Okay, that made me feel at least a little bit better.
She looked at me again before taking the cap of her pen between her teeth and smiled. "You've definitely got some walls built up that we're gonna have to knock down. But you're gonna have to work with me, okay?"
I just nodded and pursed my lips as she began to write something down. Everywhere around her office there were little sayings on the walls and pictures of what I guessed was her family. Truthfully, she looked like she could've been one of those woke aunties at a family reunion that everyone went to with their bullshit because they knew she wouldn't sugarcoat anything. The type of aunt who would verbally beat your ass in the most eye opening way.
"So talk to me, tell me how things have been going for you Ms. Farris?"
"Solana." I kindly corrected her, bringing her smile back to her face before she nodded again.
"Solana, tell me how things have been." She crossed her legs. "I got a pretty brief backstory from Isis— jail time, family problems, a bumpy past, with a pretty similar present. I'd rather hear the story from the author of it herself."
"Dr. Williams, that's a really long story that's gonna take more than a one hour session to start with."
"Well, luckily we have a chair of other sessions that will follow this one. For starters, why don't you talk to me about your family. What's the relationship with them like?"
"Nonexistent." I partially chuckled. "I don't see them."
"Distance?"
"Disowned." I shrugged. "For years now. My dad was a Pastor who didn't even live up to what he would preach because he'd have affairs with other women in other stares when he swore he was going to church conferences, while my mom was just a yes woman who followed with whatever he said. They didn't even like each other that much and I think it was like that before I even came into the picture." I ran my nails against the jeans I had on and looked up at her ask she kept taking notes.
"They probably tried to make it work especially for my own sanity. I mean, I guess they loved each other— but I don't know. I don't think on them too much."
"And why is that?"
"S'no point." I frowned. "We haven't talked in years. I've tried to build the bridge back three times, but I'm not gonna keep trying just for them to knock it down."
I literally busted my ass twice to get them to speak to me. One was a few months after I got put out; I tried to call them and check up after they moved, only to get a constant dial tone. The second time, I tried reaching out through family... another fail after my mom told them to let me know that she's still disappointed in me; and made it seem like her and my dad were doing just fine without me.
The final nail in the coffin was at my grandmothers funeral— that I had to find out from a church news clipping. She always kept in contact with me regardless, and even met Bakari and liked him— just not his occupation. No one told me that she died, so Bakari thought that since the loss was so traumatic, that when we showed up my parents and few other family members would at least comfort me. And they didn't, despite knowing how connected I was to my grandmother. They all just moved around like I worked in the funeral home instead of a family member, and I had to hurry and get Bakari out before he beat the shit out of everyone there.
So yeah, all that reconciliation shit was for the birds.
"So you don't have anyone in your family? They all agreed with your parents?"
"My family is made up of devoted Christians who even looked at me crazy when I got my nose pierced, Dr. Williams. Let them find out that I was disowned— the Pastors daughter who is supposed to be this role model figure that I didn't even sign up for? They'd jump ship on my ass faster than anything. He made sure to get that through everyone's head and they ran with it. He had that much of an impact on both sides of the family, except for with my grandmother on his side. I blamed it on the fact that he was good with his words; he would get me like that too, but they literally wasted no time leaving me behind."
"I notice that you put a lot of emphasis on being the Pastors daughter and not even the First Ladies daughter." She tapped her pen against her notepad before pointing it at me. "You were a daddies girl, weren't you, Solana?"
"Every girl is a daddy's girl—" I rolled my eyes, not wanting to admit it.
"Yes, because young girls see their fathers as a man who loves them unconditionally and all of that, but it's coming across like he was more than that to you. Like he was a idol or something greater than a protector." She nodded to herself. "Especially with him being seen as this religious messenger at first, he was someone that was important to you... even more important than your mom?" She asked me, but it was like she already knew the answer to that, and her answer was right.
"I—"
"So when you were disowned, did it hurt you more that it came from your father than your mother?"
My mind was trying to form any sentence to tell her that what she was saying wasn't the truth, but I couldn't even form the words in my head. We haven't even been talking for thirty minutes and she managed to figure shit out that I wouldn't even want to admit out loud.
"This is a safe space, Solana." She reached out and touched my hand that was clutched on my knee, before repeating the same question and adding. "It's okay to mentally revisit the day that happened and feel like that young girl again. Bring her back-" As soon as I felt my eyes start to burn, I stood up and pushed her hand away from mine, shaking my head.
"I think that's definitely enough for the day. I don't wanna do this anymore." I said quickly, and tugged at the strings of my hoodie.
"Because we're addressing the root to one of the problems—"
"No, because you're poking right now. I told you what happened, and I feel like we can move on from that now and talk about something else, but if you're gonna do this with another topic, I don't want this. I don't need you trying to break me down in one sitting or at all just to have another notch under your belt with a patient." I quickly brushed my hand under my eye and sniffed.
"Solana," She sighed and walked towards me, grabbing my shoulder. "I don't do what I do to have another notch under my belt. I do it to help people who need it, and you're one of them-"
"I really don't." I chuckled, "I was doing just fine before I came here."
"Your friends don't think so, and you know that what you're telling yourself is a cover-up. It's okay to be broken, Solana. It's okay to be angry, but we have to get to the root of the anger and brokenness, baby girl." She said with so much passion in her voice before her thumbs brushed my cheeks to get the tears that were already coming down. She reminded me a lot of my grandmother truthfully. "I'm not here to poke and pry at you. I want to be able to break this hard wall that you have up, so that I can rebuild healthier and happier ones, but you have to let me do that. And if you fight me? I can't do that for you." She held my head in her hands.
I huffed and tried to avoid eye contact with her as my jaw clenched.
Everything she said was true so far, and she knew that I knew it was true. And it freaked me out how she was able to tell just from a brief conversation. I didn't want to tell her anything else so that she could call out my shit that I really didn't want to face right now. And I knew that if I had to tell her everything that got me to this point, all it would be is a series of constant crying.
"Can you sit for me?"
I bit my lip and walked back over towards the couch and sat down slowly, crossing my arms against my chest.
"You feel small."
"You know... I'm to the point right no where I don't know if you're a therapist or some type of mind reading empath, so I don't really know what to say, Dr. Williams." I muttered, making her laugh and show her insanely white teeth.
"I'm a person who's good at reading people. Now, I need you to understand and agree that all of this is to help you, Solana. You walked in here smiling, but your eyes tell a lot. I want to fix that. But, to do that- it's not gonna be easy. There's gonna be times where you're gonna cry or be angry or any other emotion; but those are the ones you need to let out. Can you do that for me."
"Yeah... I can try."
"Great. Now, do you think you can answer the first question I asked you? Were you mainly upset that it came from your fathers mouth that he disowned you, compared to your mother?"
And right at that point, my eyes started to burn again because I had to admit something that I didn't want to, that only me, myself, and I knew the answer to; and now Dr. Williams. "Yeah." I choked out, and it felt like my throat was on fire. "It hurt a lot."
Reaching towards her desk, Dr. Williams pulled over a box of tissue before handing it to me. "Now we're getting somewhere." She gave me a motherly smile. "Tell me about some of the memories you have with your father before this event took place, then tell me about your mother."
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Bakari
"What's been going on, B." Erica asked me while we watched Mecca play on the play set in their backyard. I was always busy, but I made sure to stop by and see Mecca at least twice a week. Korey was at work today, so I figured that I could make time to see them now, especially since I took the day off.
I looked over at Erica and saw that she was giving me a smug look. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Here you go..."
"Don't do that to me." She nudged my shoulder. "I know when something isn't up with you, and I'm not like everyone else; I'm quick to address it. So what is it?" She ended in the 'nicest' way that she could.
I kept my eyes on Mecca as she went up the slide and squealed as she came down, her butt hitting the grass with a light thud before going back up.
"Is it work?"
"I got set up a few days ago while I was in Vegas." I sighed and told her, making her eyes go wide. She was the oldest, she had every right to be worried, even when I told her it was nothing to worry about. "I'm not worried about what could've happened, I've been thinking about how it happened. How they were able to even get both of us in the same room that easily..."
"Both of us as in who?"
"Lana." I mentioned her name and her eyes instantly went soft, and filled with a lot of emotions. Erica was another one who loved Lana. She knew that Lana was around New York, just like everyone else, but wanted to meet her and check on her badly.
"Hows she been?" She asked softly.
"Shit," I chuckled and shook my head, "A whole ass savage."
"Can you blame her?" She gawked before I glared over at her, making the subject change. "Neither of you know how it happened?"
"Nah, but I got men looking into it. It's nothing to worry about."
"That's good... but I know it's not the only thing on your mind. I know you, Michael..."
"It's nothing." I shook it off as soon as Mecca came running over... more like waddling, even though she wasn't a baby. Her hair was all over her head because she pulled out the two hair ties that were keeping them in puffs, and Erica didn't feel like fighting with her to get them back in. "What's up, baby girl?" I chuckled and picked her up when she stretched her arms out, putting her in my lap.
"I saw you on my TV!" She nearly yelled and took my face in her hands. "Mommy told me." Her childlike speech could put a smile on anyone's face, and you couldn't help but love it.
"You did, huh? What was I doing?" I bounced her on my knee before blowing raspberries against her cheek. Laughing, she twisted in my hands.
"You was talking!"
"I was, mamas, I was." I pecked her cheek and looked over at Erica who was still watching us... mainly me. "Tell mommy I said stop looking at me like she wants smoke, please."
Frowning, Mecca turned to look at Erica and put her hands on her hips, "Mommy!"
"Girl, don't let him get you in trouble."
Smacking my lips, I turned her to look at me, and stood up with her on my hip. "I won't let you get in trouble, baby girl. Mommy just hating." Her fingers wrapped around the necklace that I had on. I slid it off and quickly put it around her neck, looking back at Erica. "You can stop tryna analyze a nigga, I swear I'm good."
"Mhmm... whatever you say." She mumbled and grabbed one of Mecca's dolls that was thrown at her foot. Walking back into the house, I put Mecca down and she instantly took off to where the TV was because she saw Princess Tiana come on it. "I know this isn't work related... but I'm not gonna poke and pry into your personal life, B. You'll tell me eventually." Erica shrugged and went to the fridge pulling out a juice box and going to the cabinet to grab a snack for Mecca.
I leaned against the counter and shook my head. "What you need to worry about is feeding baby girl in there before she starts tearing down ya'll living room." I turned to look at Mecca and saw that she was having a full out dance battle against the talking alligator.
"She asked about her, you know?"
"I'm not surprised." I huffed, already knowing that this was about Solana.
Mecca had a good ass memory for her age when it came to faces, and when she saw Lana on the TV a while back for the charity event that she held, I guess that was when it clicked; and getting her to forget about it wasn't possible.
Erica pushed the straw into the hole of the juice box and shrugged her shoulders. "I know you don't like talking about it, or you brush it off... so once again, I'm gonna stay in my lane and mind the business that pays me." She sang.
"Unca B! Come look!" Mecca yelled and I pushed myself up from the counter, trying to step over the trail of stuffed animals that she had around the carpet. I looked at the TV and saw her pointing to the princess kissing the prince, smiling hard as hell.
"Uh-uh... what does that mean?" I frowned at her and looked at the TV. "That's not you."
"I like him!" She giggled and fell to the floor.
"You not liking none of these niggas out here till you're forty-three—"
"Michael." Erica cut me off, handing her the juice box and snacks.
"Don't Michael me. I said what I said."
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As soon as I made it home and was ready to take my ass to sleep after dealing with Mecca telling me that she discovered that she likes boys in her preschool class, my phone vibrated in my hand
Solana -
Don't forget to meet me at my building tomorrow.
Can't meet in my office since it's being renovated
So we can meet in one of the meeting rooms
Don't be late.
Any later than the time I said, and I'll be gone.
I read the text that she sent me and changed out of my things. More than likely, she got my number from Isis before she left the dinner yesterday. I shot her a quick text back, slid on the sweats that were next to me.
Bakari -
I'm always on time, but sounds good.
Read 9:16 PM
Before I could even get fully comfortable on the bed, my phone lit up with a call from Ant. "What is it?"
"Well damn, nigga. Hello to yo mean ass too. I swear imma start calling Donna again to get on your ass about picking up the phone with some respect, cause you surely lacking it right now. I ain't one of ya hoes." Ant ranted. I ran my hand across my eyes and sighed because I knew that he was high just from how his voice sounded.
"Nigga, where are you?" I questioned.
"Home, bro. I ain't going nowhere when I'm like this. A nigga can barely get off the couch. I tried to lift my foot up, and I swear I felt that shit start levitating. That's how I knew it was over with." I chuckled and shook my head at him, even though he couldn't see it. "But anyway, I wanted to let you know that the police department hit up me and Bryson today about some school rally that they wanna have for the city. They wanna know if you could donate some things to the program and be listed as a sponsor. I told them we'd have to get back to them and check with you. How you feeling about it?"
"Tell them to call me later tomorrow so we can talk it over. One of them in the department still owes me some shit and I need him to start paying up anyway. I got a meeting in the morning, so have them get to me no later than five in the afternoon about any other details." I yanwed.
I never had a issue with helping the community and the people that it was made up of. They looked at me with respect in a way that was different from anyone else. But who I didn't fuck with was the police for a list of reasons. I knew all their shit, and if I was to even say the simplest thing, half of the police department in this area and others would be empty.
They arrest men for selling drugs, when they're the main ones buying from them. So in a way, they get what they want, and get to fill their quota of arrests at the same time. It was all foul play. They knew that when it came to me, I didn't mind airing out their shit while keeping me and mine protected. So whenever I suspected foul play with them towards a lot of these kids in the area, I took care of it.
I remembered being one of them and getting involved with things I had no business doing, but I want them to have the ability to get out of it when I didn't and couldn't. I looked down at the scar that was on my rib cage and shook my head at how it looked like it actually shrunk as I got older and grew in size. All those gang initiations and shit like that wasn't a joke, and I needed them to know that. You can either run towards this type of lifestyle or run from it. Getting your ass beat or getting shot at isn't the move at a young age, but I had someone to shadow to get me to this point where I could have this type of respect in the neighborhoods and departments.
"Sounds good to me... I'll hit you in the morning." Ant yawned.
"The afternoon, nigga. Were you listening to what I said?"
"You right... you right as hell. Imma do just that." He laughed before ending the call. I pulled my phone from my ear and saw that I had one more message,
Solana-
And you better come alone.
No funny shit at all or it'll get handled my way.
Bakari -
Same rule applies for you then baby girl.
See you then
Read 9:26 PM
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CHAPTER UNEDITED
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Ya'll pray for our good sis Lana and her emotional and mental trauma
All Mecca wanted to do was admire a fine nigga and her uncle wouldn't let her be great
Next chapter is gonna be a flashback filler but I'm gonna let yall pick it cause idk which one to do lmao so it's between-
B I R T H D A Y
and
I N I T I A T I O N
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