Warning:Bleed for Love deals with themes of physical and verbal abuse, sexual trauma,toxic relationships, and depression. Some chapters of this book can trigger andbe distressing to some readers. Please read at your own risk.
Chapter 1
"You look sad."
A soft gasp escaped from my lips when I heard an unfamiliar baritone voice behind me. I perked up, squinting my eyes as I stared hard at the crystal clear water of the pool. Ang panaka-nakang pag-ihip ng hangin ay gumagawa ng maliliit na alon. The moonlight is nothing but a beautiful reflection in the water, and it slowly disappeared as a shadow loomed over me.
"Is the party not amusing you, cherie?"
Nanatili akong determinado na huwag lumingon. Imbes, nagpatuloy ako sa pagtitig sa tubig ng pool na para bang dito nakasalalay ang buhay ko. A few moments later, his image started to appear in the water or my mind is just pulling tricks on me.
The dark figure hummed in amusement. The reflection of the able was able to capture the gleam of his forest eyes and the thin, hard line of his mouth. He's half naked. The moving waters failed to capture what could've been tight ridges of his abdominal muscles that he has no problem flaunting.
"Can I sit here?"
Umusog ako nang kaunti saka tumango. I heard him chuckle.
"Umusog pa talaga." Bulong niya.
This time, I mustered up the courage to turn to him. He dipped his head a bit, taking a sip from his beer. For a moment, I was in deep abyss, just watching his adams apple bob up and down sexily as he took three long gulps before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
Umihip ang hangin, dahilan ng paggalaw ng buhok niya. Some strands of his hair are falling in his eyes, hiding his thick brows and heavy lashes. Biglang nangati ang mga kamay kong hawiin ang buhok niya pero pinigilan ko ang sarili.
I know him. Of course. Everyone knows him. The entire campus adores his cousin, Philodemus, who fronts a band and has such an alluring voice. He, on the other hand, has found his way into girl's hearts with his sensual existence and amazing painting skills. He's a senior in our department and for years, I've been really eyeing him from afar. Hindi ko lang inaasahan na sa mga nagdaang taon na pasulyap-sulyap ako sa kaniya ay kinausap na din niya ako sa wakas.
O baka lasing lang 'to?
"Beer?"
Umiling ako nang inalok niya sa akin ang can na ininuman lang niya. I tried to hide my burning cheeks by turning away and staring at the full, bright moon.
"Ganda ng moon, no?"
"Huh."
I bit my lower lip. Kung anu-ano nang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Swallowing hard, I turned to him again and smiled shyly.
"What is the party host doing here? Won't they miss you back there?" I jerked my chin towards the grand parlor. Kakatapos lang ng semi-final exams namin. The Treverons are known for throwing big exam parties like this and I didn't hesitate to come when my friend Sorcha told me about it. I don't want her to wake up in another man's bed again today.
"Nah, they're sick of me." He chuckled and leaned back. Sinundan niya ng tingin ang bilog na buwang kanina ko pa rin pinagmamasdan. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm sick of them."
We both chuckle in silence. I started to relax. Kanina, halos hindi ko pa mapigilan ang pagdaloy ng luha ko. I forced them back when I heard footsteps coming towards me. Hindi ko inaasahan na isang Treveron pala ang nakapansin sa akin dito. He must feel bad about me looking stupid out here all alone.
Both of us were enjoying the silence when a ferocious bark suddenly startled the both of us. Sinabayan pa ito ng mas malakas at agresibong kahol, dahilan ng pagmumura ni Rigor. Half of his pants are already soaking wet when he dipped his long legs in the pool.
"What's Helios losing his shit about?" he muttered, pulling himself up. Tiningnan niya ako paibaba habang ako nama'y nakatingala sa kaniya. I'm too embarassed to admit that I enjoyed the few seconds of silence with him so I said nothing. "D'yan ka lang. Balikan kita dito."
I nodded, feeling a bit euphoric. It must be the alcohol or my stupid dilussions about him but I stayed and watch him jog and disappear into the garden. A few seconds later, the barking stopped. I could hear him scolding in a hushed voice until he appeared again, this time, with a bunch of three black Dobermans trailing after him happily.
My mouth formed a little O when I saw the naughty-looking dogs happily following his steps. Inikot-ikot pa niya ang paningin, hinahanap ata ang nawawalang beer. Then, he scratched the back of his neck.
"Ah, teka. Kuha lang ako ng beer."
I nodded with a smile. He turned to glare at the dogs and commanded them to stay before walking inside the mansion again.
"Hiiii~" I said in a sing-song voice. Excited akong umusog palapit sa mga aso. The one in the middle flinched and drew back his mouth in a snarl as I went closer. "What's your name, good boy?"
I patted the head of the one closest to me. Siya ang pinakamabait at malambing. The one in the center is still looking at me suspiciously while the third one is sniffing my hair.
A small giggle escaped from my throat when the dog wagged his tail and licked my face. I grabbed him into a hug and he immediately collapsed to the wet, pool floor, laying on his stomach and demanding a belly rub.
"Who's a good boy?" I chuckled and gave him the satisfaction of a belly rub. Yung nasa gitna ay nagsimula nang magselos kaya nilapitan ako at nahiga rin sa tabi ko. I took turns rubbing their trimmed stomachs while giggling. Tinamaan na nga siguro ako ng alak. Naparami rin ang inom ko kanina. But I just can't say no to these naughty boys!
We were having fun when I heared someone cleared his throat. Tumigil kaming apat sa ginagawa at sabay-sabay na nilingon si Rigor na nakatayo, hawak ang dalawang beer in can. His eyebrows rose at the sight of the four of us together.
"Damn. I'm so fucking jealous with my dogs."
"Anong sabi mo?"
Umiling kaagad siya at inabot sa akin ang beer. He opened his can swiftly while staring at the dogs suspisciously.
"What's their names?" I asked excitedly.
"The goofy one is Helios, this is Dionysus, and that one with the scar is Hephaestus."
"Are they—"
"Greek names, yes." He nodded. I didn't even notice that we were sitting next to each other until now. Bigla akong nanigas sa liit ng distansiya naming dalawa.
"Oh, mahilig ka pala sa Greek mythology?"
"No. It was just fun teasing Philodemus by naming my rescued dogs after him."
"Are you serious?" I burst out laughing. I could only imagine Philodemus' face when he found out about the dog's names. Pikon pa naman yun.
"Yeah..." he grinned. "Must be the reason why the brute moved out."
Natatawa pa rin ako sa sinasabi niya. Dionysus took it as a sign to lick my face more so I laughed harder and gently pushed him away. Ayoko namang mag-amoy laway ng aso sa harapan ni Rigor.
I wanted to ask about Helios' scar but I stopped myself. He said he rescued these dogs... from what? Or who? I don't even want to think about it. These siblings are the best, good boys I've ever encountered in a while.
Hindi ko inalis ang kamay mula kay Helios. I traced the scar on his face with the tip of my fingers, hoping I could paint it away so he could live happily like his brothers. But he doesn't seem to mind it. Mukhang inaantok pa nga sa paghaplos-haplos ko.
"Hey, what's your name?"
I turned to him, hesitating. People like him rarely talks to me. I'm sure he'll forget about my name anyway in the morning, when the alcohol leaves his system. Siguro inaaliw lang niya ang sarili niya ngayon sa akin dahil wala siyang ibang makausap.
"Uhh..."
"Zariiiiiii!"
"Oh, shit." Bigla akong napatayo nang marinig ang boses ni Sorcha. Rigor looked at me, a bit puzzled. I gave him an uncomfortable smile. "I forgot about my friend. Shit. Lasing na lasing na yun, panigurado."
Hindi na ako naghintay ng sagot niya. The dogs followed me but I told them to stop before entering the mansion. Doon ko nakita si Sorcha na pagewang-gewang. The contents from her red cup is spilling all over the place. When she saw me, her face brightened up.
"There you are! Where'd you go, sneaky girl?" she giggled.
I grunted internally. If her parents see her in this mess, they'd probably get mad at her... and at me. Siguro ay sa apartment ko nalang muna siya dadalhin ngayon. I don't want her to get in trouble, not now when she's at war with her brothers.
"Umuwi na tayo." Ani ko at inalalayan siya. I gently took the cup from her hands and set it aside.
"Ayokong umuwi." She hiccuped.
"Alam ko, kaya sa amin ka uuwi."
Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nasa harapan ko na si Rigor. Nakasuot na siya ng kulay abong t-shirt at nakatitig sa aming dalawa.
"Sorcha is your friend?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong niya sa akin.
"I'm sorry, did she cause troubles again? Iuuwi ko na siya."
"Uhm... no." He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "Ihahatid ko na kayo. San ba kayo uuwi?"
"Uy, huwag na. Nakakahiya. Kaya ko namang mag-drive."
"No, I insist. Do you expect me to sleep well this night knowing that I sent two girls with no company?"
"Depends." I smirked. "So, you're Mr. Gentleman, huh?"
"Shut it, Czarina." Aniya at ipinulupot ang isang braso ni Sorcha sa leeg niya upang alalayan ito.
Sorcha lazily opened her eyes and slurred some words I couldn't comprehend. When she noticed that a man is assisting her on the other side, she leaned closer to his neck and sniffed. Parehong nanlaki ang mga mata namin ni Rigor sa ginawa niya.
"Damn. You smell so good, stranger. What's your name?"
"Sorcha!" I said, horrified.
"Did I manage to score a cute guy tonight, Zari?" she giggled. "I'm wearing lace thongs tonight. Do you think he'll like it?"
Halos masunog na ang buong pagmumukha ko sa sobrang hiya. Gusto ko nalang magpalamon sa lupa dahil sa kalokohang pinagsasabi ng kaibigan ko. Rigor, on the other hand, just chuckled.
"Some friend you've got."
Nagpakawala ako ng isang malalim na hininga at binilisan ang paglalakad. Halos kaladkarin ko na si Sorcha patungo sa naka-park niyang sasakyan. I don't want her spewing nonsense again that would embarass me in front of Rigor. I'm already embarassed as I am right now. I would shatter into pieces.
"Nasan susi mo?" halos kurutin ko na siya nang patuloy pa rin siya sa panghaharot kay Rigor. She turned to me and grinned.
"Huh?"
"Wag mo kong hina-huh dyan, tumataas ang dugo ko sa iyo. Susi ng kotse mo, Sorcha."
"Oh." She giggled again, digging into her purse and pulling out the keys of her Ford. "Ta-da!"
"Heh." I scoffed and snatched it from her fingers. Kaagad kong binuksan ang backseat at pinapasok siya doon. She instantly collapsed into the seat and started talking to herself while I circled the car to the driver's seat.
"Ako na magda-drive."
"Nakainom ka." I said to him.
"So do you."
I hesitated for a while before handing the keys to him. Sorcha never lets anyone drive her car except me and the valet. Even her brothers can't touch her precious car. Siguro kapag nalaman niyang si Rigor ang nagmaneho ay mapapatawad niya naman ito? Whatever.
I tossed him the car keys and went to the shotgun seat instead. Habang inaayos ko ang seatbelt ko ay ramdam ko ang titig niya sa akin. I decided to ignore it and the sudden race of my pulse.
"Sa L-Lumina homes tayo."
He nodded and the engine roared to life. Nag-isang sulyap siya kay Sorcha na halos kung anu-ano na ang pinagsasabi.
"Is your friend okay?"
"Ayos lang yan. Wag mo nang pansinin."
"Are you sure?"
"Oo. Mahihimashimasan din yan mamayang umaga."
I glanced at the digital clock that says it's half past two in the morning. I yawned and got comfortable in my seat while Rigor pulled out of the driveway. I caught glimpse of the dogs trying to outdo each other in stucking their heads out from the small gap of the iron-wrought gates.
Napangiti ako nang matamlay. They're so cute.
"Tingnan mo sila, excited na umuwi ka hindi ka pa man nakakaalis."
Sumulyap si Rigor sa makukulit niyang mga aso bago ibinalik ang tingin sa kalsada at tuluyan nang pinaandar ang sasakyan.
"That's the best thing about them."
I bit my lower lip when I suddenly realized something. Nilingon ko si Rigor na seryoso lang sa pagmamaneho. Hindi siya kaskasero gaya nang inaasahan ko, sakto lang. Siguro dahil may lasing kaming pasahero kaya mas conservative siya sa pagmamaneho ngayon. I heard about Philodemus and his cousins' sordid affairs with many women. Hindi na bago iyon sa akin. Noon pa man ay bukambibig na talaga ang mga Treveron dahil na rin sa hitsura, impluwensiya ng pamilya, at mga talento nila. Though there are rumors that Philodemus is adopted. I do not know if it is true.
"Baka hindi lang ang mga aso mo ang naghihintay sa iyo..." makahulugan kong sabi.
He smirked. "Anong iniisip mo?"
Nag-iwas kaagad ako ng tingin. Parang nakakahiya naman na mag-aassume akong may girlfriend siya ngayon. Sure, I've seen him with girls now and then but I am not sure if he has a girlfriend right now. I never stalked him that much. I just simply appreciated his existence like most of the girls are but never made a move about it. Para sa akin, hindi ko siya ka-level. And if we ever get a shot of a relationship, which is impossible, I will most likely turn it down in fear that I'd just tear my heart apart in the process.
Besides, there's Max...
"Wala. Liko tayo sa pangalawang kanto."
Rigor chuckled and obeyed my directions. Nakanguso lang ako at nakasalikop ang dalawang braso sa dibdib. I felt like a child being teased. Hindi na dapat bago sa akin ang mga bagay na ito.
"Hmm. Iniiwasan mo ba ang tanong ko, cherie?"
I rolled my eyes but couldn't stop the smile from forming in my lips with his endearment. I know he must be calling his other girls cherie, but it just sounded so sweet and sensual when it comes from him. No one called me gently before, so it was such a breathe of fresh air.
My smile quickly faded when my phone vibrated and I saw Max calling. The color from my face drained as I quickly rejected his call. Wala pang ilang segundo ay tumawag ulit siya. Pangatlong beses ko ata siyang pinatayan ng tawag hanggang sa makatanggap ako ng mensahe mula sa kaniya.
Max:
Mag-usap tayo. Tangina naman, Czarina.
Max:
Sino yang tarantadong kasama mo sa kotse, ha?
Max:
Hipokrita!!! Magagalit ka sa akin sa tuwing nahuhuli mo ako pero ikaw naman tong lalandi-landi!!!
Max:
Huwag kang magpapakita sa akin, babasagin ko ang bungo mo, putangina!
I swallowed hard. My grip around my phone tightened as I struggled to breathe. In panic, I quickly opened the window and allowed myself to take a few deep breaths. Amoy na amoy ko ang alat mula sa dagat sa di kalayuan kaya naman medyo kumalma ako.
"Hey, are you okay?" Rigor abruptly stopped the car. Kaagad kong isiniksik ang cellphone sa bulsa at nanghihinang tumango sa kaniya.
"I-Im fine...." I croaked.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes..." I said weakly. Isang pitik lang ay tutulo na ang mga luha ko sa pinaghalong takot at pangamba. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes. Nakakahiya. He has to witness it. How much more if I accepted Max's call? He tend to be very aggressive and sadistic when he's angry. "Sa alak lang siguro 'to kanina..."
"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know you have low alcohol tolerance."
Tumango-tango lang ako.
"Damn. We should've taken my car. I have aspirins and bottled water in there."
"I'm fine, Rigor. I just need to breathe... for a moment."
Nag-aalala din niyang binalingan ang kaibigan kong tulog na tulog sa backseat. He turned to me again. His eyes are full of worry that it made me guilty for lying to his face. But what would I say? That I am dealing with a toxic, manipulative boyfriend again and for some reason, I just can't handle him? Hindi ko alam...
"Uhm... pwede ka nang magpatuloy sa pagmamaneho. Okay na ako."
"May malapit na convenience store dito. Bibilhan lang kita ng gamot—"
"I'm fine." I quickly supplied, clearing my throat. Nginitian ko siya nang pilit. "Really. I'm fine."
He stared at me for a long time. I know he's not convinced by my poor acting but he let it go. Eventually, Rigor nodded and silently started the engine again.
We were silent the rest of the ride back home. Komportable rin naman ako, at least I don't have to answer to uncomfortable questions. Gusto ko munang pagpahingahin ang puso at isip ko ngayon. I know he's itching to ask me questions, but I'm glad that he's respecting my privacy enough not to pry.
Bumabalik sa isipan ko ang tinta sa dibdib niya kanina. I recognized the intricate Baybayin letters, and the meaning of the word per se. I just didn't expect that he'd have an ink like that. It was so unexpected of him, knowing his reputation with women.
Nang makapasok na kami sa gate ng subdivision ay kinalkal ko ang bag. I pulled out an unlit stick of cigarette and played it with my fingers. My therapist allowed me to touch it, but prohibited me to lit it up. She's challenging me how long I can endure not succumbing into the temporary pleasure of nicotine. So far, 13 months have passed and I have stayed away from smoking. I'm not sure about this morning, though...
"Sa may pulang gate..." ani ko nang natanaw ang nirerentahang apartment. "D'yan mo lang sa labas i-park. Ako na bahala dito mamayang umaga."
He nodded and parked the car outside my tiny apartment. Rigor also helped me pulling Sorcha out of the backseat. She reeked so much of alcohol and the other pair of her diamond earrings is missing. Napailing nalang ako. Pinagtulungan namin siyang ipahiga sa kama. It's just a studio-type apartment. He looked around and noticed there isn't comfortable space for me to sleep now that my best friend has invaded my bed.
"Where are you going to..."
"On the floor. Works wonder on my back pains." I kidded.
Tinitigan lang ako ni Rigor. I pouted for a moment, then pushed him outside.
"Alright, you need to go. My landlady is a freak and doesn't want to see a man inside any of the tenant's unit. Baka ma-eskandalo pa yun kapag nakita ka."
Sabay kaming bumaba sa sementong hagdan. Rigor slowed down when he reached the gate.
"Are you going to be okay? Maglalakad ka lang pabalik sa inyo?"
"Yeah, I'm cool."
I nodded and smiled. "Sige, ingat ka."
He opened his mouth to speak but decided otherwise. Itinikom niya rin ang bibig at tumango nalang. He lazily waved his hand and sauntered towards the gate. Ibinaba ko ang tingin at pinaglaruan ang stick ng sigarilyo nang maramdaman ko ang muli niyang paglapit sa akin.
"Actually...."
I softly gasped when Rigor reached for my hand, gently taking the stick of the cigarette for me. He pulled out a pen from his back pocket and scribbled something on the tiny shaft of the nicotine with his brows furrowed in concentration.
"Anong ginagawa mo..."
"Call me if that jerk bothers you again." He said briskly. "I'm sorry. I saw the text."
Napaawang ang bibig ko sa sobrang gulat na napalitan din ng matinding kaba. Tears swelled in my eyes as I stared at him, his forest eyes darkening in restrained anger.
"Tawagan mo ko, Czarina. Kahit anong oras." Ibinalik niya ang sigarilyo sa akin saka pa umalis.
Isa-isang pumatak ang mga luha ko habang pinagmamasdan ang malinis niyang sulat-kamay sa sigarilyo. I bit my lower lip and dragged myself inside.
Sinta.
Iyon ang nakaukit sa dibdib niya.
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#HanmariamBFLChapter1