"Anong gagawin mo kapag nawala ako?"
I thought it was just a whisper or a random nag in my head that remained screaming until I realized that I said it out loud because Rigor's body tensed from behind. He was lazily stroking my bare thighs with his calloused fingers and it suddenly stopped. I could feel the tension from the tip of my fingers, jolting my skin with his controlled anger.
"Bakit ka mawawala?"
Mula sa gaspang ng boses niya ay alam ko nang pinipigilan niya ang pamumuo ng galit pero nabigong itago. I swallowed and did not move. I did not even dare to look at him from behind because I know the forest is on fire. I would see burning bushes and dead trees in his eyes, a sign of his rising temper. It is both terrifying and amazing.
I shrugged. "No reason." Deciding that he would really get mad at me anyway, I just continued. "Pero kung sakali... anong gagawin mo?"
Humigit ng marahas na hininga si Rigor. I could already imagine how his brows would furrow and his jaw would clench in restrained rage. This forest-eyed man has multiple faces and sides that continue to surprise me. Most of the time he's just this calm, artistic person who wanted to paint and not be bothered. But he could also be ruthless and terrifying if he'd want to. He remains quiet but he's always in his deep thoughts and he never gave a damn about anyone when it comes to showing his anger and expressing his feelings.
"Where are you going, huh?" bumagsak ang timbre ng boses niya dahilan ng matinding panginginig ng kalamnan ko. His hand held the strength of an athlete, even though he's much of a painter rather than a sport. When it snaked to my slim, soft waist, I bit a gasp at the coldness of his palm. "Iiwan mo na ako?"
I made an unlady-like noise, somewhere between a cry and a laugh that instead of lightening up the mood, it just intensified the atmosphere. Something was caught in my throat and I had to swallow hard before I could find my voice to speak again.
"Nagtatanong lang... kasi diba, hindi naman natin alam kung anong mangyayari bukas. So, ano nga ang gagawin mo?"
Rigor sighed heavily. In one swift move, he turned half of my body towards him to meet his face. I gasped and stared at him. He always had such a strong face. The sculpted jaw and arrogant nose that sometimes it made me think he's unreal. My gaze met his and I saw the brewing storm in his forest eyes. I could never get myself from drowning in the depths of it every time I stare at him. He gave me one of his long, steady looks that I could almost feel him plucking my soul out of the body and inspecting my darkness.
"What's wrong, cherie?"
I parted my lips just a little, still finding the right words to convince him that I'm okay even though he could see through me. But even before I could fabricate another lie, his mouth came down on me and my falsehoods were translated into a soft moan.
Rigor pulled me closer and harshly pulled the thin, white blanket that separated our naked bodies. My soft, small body pressed against his hard chest is making me half-drunk. The sensation is slowly creeping up on me as I completely straddled him.
He was getting impatient with the slow kisses that when I moaned again, he took it as an advantage to enter my mouth and raked as no man had ever did to me. He was searching for answers desperately. His other hand rested at the soft curve of my waist, caressing my skin and pulling me closer every time I made a backing move away from him.
Breathless and in love, I pulled away from him while seeing stars beneath my lashes.
"Tell me what's wrong." He said hoarsely, looking deep into me. "And don't lie."
I ran a tongue around my lips, hungry for his taste again before letting out a heavy sigh.
"Nothing's wrong, Rigor. It's just... I had consecutive dreams of disappearance. I don't know what the fuck it means but it's been living inside of my head and..." my lips trembled. I couldn't even bring myself to say it. Ipinikit ko nang mariin ang mga mata. Maybe I'm not as strong as I believed myself to be.
"Czarina..." he spoke softly, an antithesis of his roughed up bad boy image inside of my head. I can't believe how comforting gentle words could be when it rolls out from a sinner's mouth.
"Gusto ko lang malaman... kung anong gagawin mo kapag nawala ako." Hikbi ko.
"Hindi kita masasagot." He sighed and started kissing my tears gently on my cheeks. "Hindi ko rin alam ang sagot. Fuck, I wouldn't know what I'd do if you'll be gone."
"Sinungaling ka." I pouted and punched his rock-hard chest. "Ang daming babaeng nag-aabang sa iyo. Siguro pipili ka nalang ng isa sa kanila kapag nawala ako."
A deep, sexy chuckle sounded from his throat. Hahampasin ko pa sana siya ulit pero nahuli na niya ang kamay ko.
"Sinong nagsabi sa iyo na gusto ko sila, huh?" he whispered, pulling me closer and tracing kisses on my jaw. "If I liked any of them, I wouldn't be here in bed, naked with you and getting turned on for the nth time."
My cheeks burned and refused to verify what he said. But I could feel the way his muscles tightened and his breathing is becoming ragged. I can't believe how we're talking about miserable things while naked and horny.
Kinalma ko ang sarili at tumahan na. I hated being seen crying even though it most of my nights consisted of waterworks ever since my father died. And I hated how Rigor looks at me right now... as if despite knowing all my darkness and shortcomings, he's still going to accept me with open arms.
Naputol lang ang pag-iisip ko nang maramdaman ko ang malamig niyang mga kamay na dumampi sa basa kong pisngi. He cupped my face with his rough hands and stared at me as his eyes darkened.
"Wag kang mawawala, Czarina." Malamig ang boses pero puno ng pagsusumamo niyang sabi. "Don't you dare disappear on me."
I nodded and made my promise to him that night that I won't disappear on him, sealing it with a kiss while my heart throbbed painfully.
Naririnig ko pa rin ang salita niya habang matamlay akong nakatitig sa papalubog na araw. The wind is breezing through my face as I stood next to my best friend who also remained silent.
Today is a good day to die.
Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at pinigilan ang pagtulo ng luha. I frustratingly raked a hand through my long hair and swallowed a sob. Marahas kong ini-off ang phone ko at pinigilan ang paghikbi.
"Let's die together, Czarina..."
I turned to her and smiled sadly. Kinakain na ng dilim ang huling natirang sinag ng araw hudyat ng papalapit na gabi. Kami lang dalawa ang narito sa itaas ng engineering building. I watched in fascination as the sun sink gracefully in the horizons of La Union.
Today, I will fall with the sun.
"Sorcha..." ani ko, mahina ang tinig. Namumuo ulit ang mga luha sa mata ko.
Hindi sumagot si Sorcha. She licked her lips, smeared by the red lipstick she used to wear. Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa kaniyang cellphone upang tingnan ang oras.
3:49 pm.
She stood up and offered her hands to me. Nanghihina din akong tumayo. Sabay kaming naglakad patungo sa dulo ng building. Nararamdaman ko ang marahang panginginig ng mga kamay niya.
"This world is not meant for us, Czarina..." she whispered. I could feel her grip tightening on my hands. "It's cruel and wicked. It will continue to fuck us up until the day that we die. So... let's just end our pain together."
Napaluha ako. How hopeless we are. We're just two high college students who decided to end their lives together.
Isang mapaklang ngiti ang gumuhit sa mga labi ko. At least death wouldn't be that lonely for me. I never thought that even in death, Sorcha would remain my loyal companion.
"Langit, lupa, impyerno..." Sorcha sang the familiar tune I used to grow up listening to. Nilingon niya ako. "Saan tayo mapupunta, Zari?"
Gusto kong yakapin ulit ang kaibigan, pero nawawalan na ako ng lakas. Alam kong anumang oras ay bubuhos na ulit ang mga luha ko. Maybe she's got it worse than mine. The pain I experienced is nothing like hers.
Two depressed people advising each other is dangerous. Very dangerous.
Then she shrugged and wiped a tear away. "Kahit saan nalang siguro ako, basta wag lang ako maibalik dito sa lupa..." she chuckled bitterly. "I'm sick of humans. Tangina nilang lahat."
"Sorcha..."
Hindi siya kumibo. Tuluyan na niya akong hinila sa railings ng rooftop. Pumatong siya doon at iniabot ang aking kamay. I hesitantly took it and hauled myself up.
"Ang ganda, Czarina, ano?" she smiled at the sunset. "The last picturesque view I'm going to see before I'm gone."
Lumunok ako at nilingon siya. Tapos ay kinaladkad ko ang tingin pabalik sa kulay kahel na kalangitan.
If there's one thing that I'm glad I've witnessed when I was still alive, it would be the La Union's magical sunrise and sunsets. I've lived for the fall and rise of the sun. And together with the sun, we fall with the almighty. At our own will. Right now. In this building.
"Don't you dare disappear on me..."
The knot in my stomach tightened when I heard Rigor's voice inside of my head again. An image of him materialized in front of me, staring at me as emotions went in and out in his forest eyes.
For a second I was captivated. I wanted to step back and run back to him and let him protect me. But betrayal boiled hot in my blood that I pulled myself from my hallucination and faced my reality. Death.
I couldn't wake up in this world anymore. I've had enough. People are cruel and they will fuck you to death. Physically. Mentally.
Pasensiya na, Papa. Sutil ang anak mo. Hindi ako ang anak na magagawa mong maipagmalaki sa mundo. I am the bad kid that any parent would warn their children about.
Tumunghay ako sa ibaba ng building. Nalula kaagad ako sa taas namin. The five-storey engineering building is the perfect place to die. May rooftop. Walang masyadong tao. Tapos na ang mga klase at si Manong Guard lang ang narito. The students wouldn't feast our dead bodies once we hit the ground and our skulls will break into two.
"Bakit tayo pa, Sorcha...?" umiiyak kong tanong sa kaniya. "Gusto lang naman nating maging masaya, ah?"
Sorcha is on the verge of tears as well. Pero pinipigilan lang niya ang sarili. Even at the tip of death, she still tried to remain strong. I can't live looking at her like this. Tama nga siya. Mas mabuti pang mawala.
They say, teenagers are rebels without a cause. But I beg to disagree. Teenagers, yes, can be tad dangerous because of our reckless actions. If we were loved, understood, and praised by the people who are meant to take care of us, none of this would've happened.
If one person is more compassionate, more understanding, more kind towards us... we wouldn't be standing at the edge of this building, about to jump and die.
Kahit isang tao lang.
"Ayoko na. Pagod na talaga ako." she held my hands again and then glanced down. Lumunok siya. I could see the fear in her eyes but it was overwhelmed with the sheer determination to die. Tumigas ang ekspresiyon nito sa mga mata.
"Sorcha..." I said weakly. I should be talking her out of this, but I'm too much of a supportive best friend. If she wants to die, we'll die together. I'm fucked up, too. Sorcha wouldn't be able to get anything from me. I like the idea of dying. Sorcha knows it. It must be the reason why she offered me this on our way home from last night.
Depressed people giving advice to depressed people is scary. In our case, instead of lifting each other, we ended up agreeing to kill ourselves. How romantic. The tragedy of two college students who died as best friends.
When we're dead and gone, people would surely talk about us. But it wouldn't be long until they continue with their own lives as well. We will be forgotten. We will die leaving nothing but the dusts of our ashes. We will probably burn in hell after committing suicide together.
Gumalaw si Sorcha. Determinado na siyang tumalon. Despite the resolve I felt in my heart, I could still feel the fear creeping up to my chest. Nanginginig pa rin ang mga tuhod ko. Naramdaman kong binitawan ni Sorcha ang kamay ko.
"Czarina... let's rest."
Isang segundo.
Nahuli ako ng isang segundo. Sa isang segundong iyon ay inatake ako ng matinding takot at kaba. A deafening scream left my mouth when I saw her jump. Napaluha ako at napaatras. I hesitated. I could hear voices but wasn't able to determine if it's mine or someone else's. Pikit-mata akong umabante. I suspended my right leg to the air and was ready to jump when someone grabbed me by the waist.
Marahas ang paghila sa akin. I sucked in a gasp as my body pounded on the cemented floor. Pakiramdam ko ay mababasag ang ulo ko sa matinding pagbagsak. Nawalan rin ako ng hininga ng ilang segundo sa lakas ng tama. Nagwawala na ako at umiiyak nang malakas. Someone wrapped his arms around me and pinned me to the ground. I cried harder.
"Sorcha... Sorcha..."
"Fuck!"
I opened my eyes. A pair of forest eyes greeted me. A pair of sea green and cognac brow eyes. It reminded me so much of the dark woods. And the solitude it offers. Galit na galit ang mga mata nito. Patuloy pa rin ang pag-iyak ko at halos hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos. Rigor is breathing heavily on top of me before he released my hands and then ran to the railings when we both know that it was too late.
Nanghihina akong tumayo. Nagalusan pa ata ang siko ko nang ibinagsak niya ako sa semento kanina. Napatakip ako sa aking bibig at nanginginig na naglakad patungo sa railings. I didn't know how it was possible for him to materialize in front of me while I was just thinking about him earlier. I ignored it as my thoughts were overwhelmed by Sorcha.
"Don't you fucking jump, Czarina." Anito sa matigas at nagbabanta na boses.
I cried harder. Hindi ko magawang silipin ang katawan ni Sorcha sa baba nang makarinig ako ng isang malakas na pagsigaw. Someone must've seen her body. Or seen her jumped.
Nanghina ako. Napahagulhol. Hindi ko makayanan ang naghalo-halong emosyon sa dibdib ko. Rigor grabbed me harshly, as if he doesn't trust me anymore that I would stay still and not follow my best friend to death. He pulled me into a tight hug. We were both shaking. I cried and cried and cried. Ang pawis at luha ay naghalo na sa aking mukha. Some strands of my hair are sticking to my tear-stained cheeks.
Right now, I just need a miracle that Sorcha survived the fall.
But I know that it's not gonna happen. I'm fooling myself.
My best friend is already dead... and I'm still alive.
"Tahan na..." nagsusumamo ang tinig ni Rigor. Halos hindi na ako makahinga sa matinding pag-iyak. "Stay with me. Stay with me, Czarina..." he continued to whisper. "Hinding-hindi ako mawawala sa iyo."
I believed in him. It was my near death that made me believe in life and hope again when he saved me.
But he lied.
-
#HanmariamBFLPrologue