Prologue
Bigla akong napatakbo palabas ng veranda nang makitang magsidatingan ang mga macho dancer ng party para dito sa bridal shower ng pinsan ko. Walang hiyang Rio iyon! Iniwan ba naman ako dito mag-isa! Buti pa siya ang bilis na nakalabas.
I should be studying right now for my exams next month! Yet, here I am. I sighed and looked in front of me.
I found myself enjoying the scenery. Sobrang ganda ng lights. The moon and the stars were actually seen in the sky. I suddenly felt the beauty in the ambiance. Even the city lights are pretty tonight. I hugged myself and I closed my eyes as I felt the cold wind brushed against my skin.
Agad kong ibinuklat ang mga mata ko nang marinig ang tunog ng sliding door at nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang isang lalaki na nakatayo sa gilid.
He is... wearing a mask. His long sleeves shirt button is halfway open so I can see a portion of his muscular chest. Ang gulo din ng buhok niya.
Isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito... Macho dancer siya! I balled my fist in front, ready to punch him anytime. Baka manyak pa to!
"Whatever you're thinking, don't... hindi ako interesado. Nakikita mo ba itong position ko ngayon? Isang sipa ka lang sakin. Black belter ako ng taekwondo." I threatened him.
His face remained passive like he's unimpressed to see me here.
"Swerte mo kung sayawan kita." He said in a very dead tone. He walked past me and sat on one of the chairs. My brows arched.
Wow ha? Sasayaw na lang choosy pa siya? Rich kid ba 'to?
"Bakit ba nandito ka? Di ba binayadan ka para sumayaw dun?" I moved the curtain a little to take a peek of what's happening inside and immediately regret it.
Napangiwi ako at sinubukang burahin sa inosente kong isipan yung nakita ko. Ang hahalay grabe! Naghuhubaran na sila sa loob!
He ignored me and instead of answering, he removed his mask and laid it on the coffee table. My lips parted as I saw how good looking he is. He combed his straight hair using his fingers before he stood up and looked down at the city lights below us.
Pogi sana pero mukhang masungit. Dalawang klase lang naman meron ang mga lalaki; yung mga friendly kuno pero balak ka na palang landiin at yung tipo na pa seryoso at mysterious effect sa mga babae. Feeling ko siya yung huli.
"Tapos ka na?"
"Ha?" Wala naman akong ginagawa nung dumating siya tapos magtatanong siya kung tapos na ako. Tumingin pa ako sa paligid dahil baka may ibang tao siyang nakikita na hindi ko makita. Natakot tuloy ako bigla.
"Are you done judging me?" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Hala? Mind reader?
"Luh, di kaya kita jina-judge." He side glanced at me and one of his brows lift. Bigla akong nag iwas ng tingin. "Hindi nga. Hindi nga sabi."
Nagkibit balikat lang siya at hindi na siya ulit nagsalita. I don't know why I feel like my feet are glued to the ground because I kept on watching him kahit nakatulala lang siya sa kawalan.
He took out a cigarette stick and a lighter from his pocket.
"Fuck." He muttered under his breath when he realized na luntay na yung yosi niya. "Do you have a cigarette?" He asked me.
Umiling ako. He cursed again and threw it from the veranda. Natahimik kami ulit ng sandali.
"Don't you think it's bad for your health?" Tanong ko at naglakad upang sumandal din sa glass railings. Nag iwan ako ng isang metrong layo sa pagitan naming dalawa. Kumunot ang noo niya at tumingin sa akin. "Yung paninigarilyo."
He shrugged. "Who cares? Everyone's going to die anyway."
"Ganyan ka ba talaga ka pessimist?" Kung ganyan lang din naman ang pag iisip niya na mamamatay lang edi tumalon na kaya siya sa veranda now na? Sumulyap siya sa akin ng saglit at humarap ulit sa mga ilaw na tanaw sa baba.
"I'm not being a pessimist. It's a fact. We are all going to die, so don't you think we should do anything to enjoy our life while we're at it?"
Go! Talon! Baka lang ma enjoy niya.
"Well, yeah, sure. Lahat tayo mamamatay. But as a healthcare provider —soon —I think we shouldn't do reckless things to shorten our life. If we could prevent death, why not, right?" This time, he faced me leaning his right arm and the side of his body at the railings. "Nandiyan naman na yung mga warnings, sinasabihan naman na tayo kung ano ang makabubuti sa atin pero wala, e, matigas ang ulo ng mga tao. Kagaya mo."
"The thing is, we don't know when we'll die, for example, an accident... so we might as well live the life as not dictated by others." I rolled my eyes and I saw how the other side of his lips rose a little.
"Yung mga ganyang kaisipan? Wala ka pang napapatunayan sa mundo, tigok ka na kaagad."
Totoo naman. Hindi naman tayong lahat pinanganak para mamatay. Pinanganak tayo para mabuhay. Mukhang hindi nanaman agree si mister macho dancer dahil nakikita ko na pasimple siyang umiling.
"Well—what's your name again?"
"Victoria." He gave a short nod. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa ulit dahil mukhang desidido pa siya sa kung anong sasabihin niya.
"Well, Victoria, as what I said earlier, I don't want to live my life as dictated by others. I don't live for them. I live for myself. If I'm enjoying what I'm doing, why would I bother thinking if I have proven something or not?"
"May point ka diyan." I nodded my head. But that doesn't apply for someone like me though. I know it's not my parents' fault, pero para sa isang kagaya ko na ipinanganak na mayaman pakiramdam ko palagi akong may kailangan na patunayan sa mundo.
I feel so trapped knowing that people are watching my every move. Nang makapasa at mag top ako sa Medical Technology board exam, hinihintay nila kung saang school ako papasok para sa Med. Alam ko din na nakaabang na sila kung mag to-top din ba ako sa physician board exam ko.
I know I wanted to be a doctor... but lately, I feel like I'm being forced to do everything. Kahit na ito naman talaga ang gusto ko nung una, pakiramdam ko dinidiktahan ako ng society dahil lang sa isa akong Crivelli.
"But." His brows arched when he heard me say the word. Kung kanina seryoso lang siya na nakatingin sa akin, now the amusement on his eyes is slightly evident. "I know we live our life according to our wishes, but, don't you think it's kind of cruel? Thinking you'll die when there are people around you who cares for you and still not caring about your life anyway."
He leaned forward on the railings and faced the scenery in front of us again. Nasa gilid niya ako pero nakita ko kung paano naging malungkot ang mga nata niya.
"Those people, they die too. Yung iba nauuna lang sayo, pero lahat sila mamamatay din at iiwan ka." Hinampas ko siya sa braso.
"Ang pessimist mo talaga!" Natigil sa braso niya yung kamay ko dahil bigla kong na realize na hindi pala kami close. Feeling close lang ako. He looked at my hand with his brow furrowed and then he looked at my face. Para naman akong napaso at agad na tinanggal ang kamay ko. "Arte naman, feeling ko lang naman naging close na tayo dahil sa sobrang deep ng usapan."
Inirapan nanaman niya ako. Akala ko okay na kami nito? Bakit ang sungit pa rin? Sarap hilahin yung mahabang pilikmata niya diyan.
We landed in another silence for a minute, just staring the scene in front of us.
"Have you ever felt suffocated? Yung parang sa sobrang pressure ng mga tao sa paligid mo parang nasasakal ka na. Tapos yung mga dati na gusto mong gawin parang ayaw mo na." I don't know why I kept on blabbering. Hindi ko naman siya ganon kakilala pero parang ang sarap niya kausap. He looked at me sideways. Akala ko nga hindi siya sasagot pero nagsalita siya.
"Is that what you're feeling right now?" I nodded. "Why?"
"Kasi nga pressured ako sa mga—"
"No. I mean why are you letting them pressure you?" Hindi ako nakasagot. Hindi ko rin naman alam ang isasagot ko. A minute past and I still haven't said anything. "Fail them."
"What?"
"Fail them. It's the only way to get them off your back." My brow ceased.
"I can't do that."
"Then feel free to continue living that way."
"You want me to fail my exams?" I spat like it's the most ridiculous thing I heard in my whole life.
And it is.
Who in their right mind would purposely fail their exam just because they feel like it?
No one.
It's a crazy idea.
"If you want your life to change, you have to make different choices. If people see you as a failure then they won't expect too much from you. They won't be disappointed whenever you fail and you won't have to live in their expectations." Nakarinig kami bigla ng malakas na hiyawan. He looked at his watch and sighed.
"Those fucking idiots." He muttered.
He stood up straight and fixed his buttons and when he saw me watching him he looked at me from head to toe like he's seeing me for the first time.
"Don't believe what I said. I was kidding." Napanganga ako. Ginagago ba ako nito? "Good luck on your exams."
Tumalikod na siya at naglakad papasok.
"Hey!" I called when he was about to open the door. "What's your name?"
He sighed then faced me.
"Regan."