Damn, I didn't think I'd get to chapter 20 on this book lmfao and 500 reads?! Thank you guys so much for all your support... It means a lot to me. Also, this song literally does not relate to this chapter, but like meh I like it. On a happier note, SPRING BREAK HAS BEGUN. I REPEAT. SPRING BREAK HAS BEGUN. LIke, I acc like school, but this has been the first holiday I have acc been waiting for because school is more stressful now, I acc have things (hobbies) I wanna pursue during this break, such as writing more, and stuff... And, also, I was wondering what y'all think about audiobooks. I haven't read one before (listened to one?) but I really want to... Is there any site you'd recommend, or something? I'm lowkey kinda lost. Okay, now, back to the story.
Harry's POV
Life goes on. Even if you don't want it to, you have to hold on. Otherwise, life will go on without you. And so, I had to pretend to be fine. Put on that mask, and keep my wounds on the inside.
So I went to lessons. I looked everyone in the eye, even though I didn't want to. Even Draco. Especially Draco. Something in me wanted to prove to myself that I could look at him and not feel the heartbreak wash over me again, as fresh as ever.
Of course, I never could.
But that wasn't the point.
At first, when I looked into Draco's beautiful eyes- They still were breathtaking, of course. Even if the heart that was portrayed in those eyes no longer belonged to me- all I could see was pain. That pain... I wondered if it had been because of me. Once, I had almost asked him. Almost forgiven him. I allowed myself to think that maybe I had been wrong
But then, all at once, I realized how foolish I was, when the look in his eyes changed. It turned from sad, to glazed over. Almost happy. I wanted to describe the look as starstruck, but I knew that wasn't it...
All I knew was that he was happy. Happy without me. Maybe my pain had impacted him in some way before, but now...
I didn't let myself to think of the alternative.
Perhaps that pain had never been for me at all.
I hated to notice it, but Draco seemed to be looking at Ginny an awful not. He had not done that before when we were... Together. Or had he?
I found that I hardly knew him anymore, in reality.
I didn't let myself think of what it meant, really. I couldn't. I wouldn't.
Until one day, I found him holding a rose. It was in the gardens, and I had gone for a walk to clear my head of a migraine.
And I saw him. His beautiful silhouette, his breathtaking hair, illuminated in the moonlight...
And he was holding a rose. Holding it as if it were the most precious thing he had ever seen- Or that he was thinking of giving it to someone important to him.
I was so stupid.
So, so stupid.
My heart gave an involuntary leap as I watched the way his face was lit up when he loked at that flower.
And for some reason, now beyond me, I came to the conclusion that he was picking it for me. That he had done this to apologize, that it had all been a huge misunderstanding, and that he wants to explain everything to me.
So I walked up to him. I didn't know what I was going to say, but it certainly wasn't what I uttered.
"Who's that rose for?" I asked, then clapped a hand over my mouth. Even if it was for me, it wasn't very damn polite asking him. But, in hindsight, I thought bitterly, I needn't have worried.
"Someone." he muttered, and, even in the darkness of the night, I could see that his cheeks were tinged with scarlet.
It clicked that it was for me, and smiled. "You can tell me."
He turned his head away, and tycked the rose behidn his back. I frowned- I'd given him the percfect opening to give it to me.
Well, maybe he hadn't seen it. That was fine. I'd just give him some more openings- After all, wasn't it for me? Who else could it be for?
"Well, c'mon At least tell me what house the person's in..." I smiled, and tried to show him that I really wanted to know. (Harry is, ngl, everyone, when we want to get someone to spill some tea, and they're like, UMMMM)
"Gryffindor." it was scarcely a whisper, and I suddenly detected a heav ysadness and... self-hatred in his tone. Which was, of course, odd... But he had said Gryffindor. I was prepared to hear my name come out of his lips any second now.
Grinning broadly, I noticed how quickly the heartbreak from before melted away, leaving only ecstasy in its wake.
"Is it someone I know?" I quizzed, watching his reaction. I almost saw a hint of tears, which clued me into the sobs that had wracked his body before I had come.
I had a vivid imagination- All he'd been doing was picking a rose- For someone... Whom, I didn't know, but I intended to find out. So why would he be crying, much less sobbing?
"Intimately," he whispered, and I smiled, a little private smile. Well, of course, I knew myself intimately. He always did have a way with words.
"Draco... You didn't have to pick a rose for me. Really, you didn't. I forgive you. I understand that you first dated me for a game, and, yeah, I want to talk about that, but maybe we can make this work-" the words tumbled out quickly, and I watched his beautiful face. I expected to see a smile, or, at the very least, to see his eyes brighten.
Instead, the eyes welled up, and he bit his lip.
"Har- Potter..." he began, and I winced in surprise. This wasn't the way it was meant to go... I'd just professed how deeply I wanted to forgive him. So why was h suddenly calling me by my last name?
"Draco, you can call me Harry again. 'd like to give this thing- us- another shot." I smiled and took his hand in mine.
But, suddenly, as soon as our fingers came into contact with one another, he snatched his hand away.
"You don't get it, do you? The rose isn't for you." he murmured, and even though he could not have said it in a more straightforward way, I found that I didn't understand what he meant.
I laughed.
"Huh?" I joked. "You have a weird sense of humor, Dray."
"No, Harry." he grabbed my arm, urgently. "This rose is not for you. One hundred percent not."
"Who's it for, then?" I asked, my breath catching. My heart was breaking again. Why was I so dumb? Obviously it was not for me. He was done with me. I was his plaything.
He had my heart, but I didn't have his. Not even close. But I had a morbid want- a morbid need- to know who had replaced me. Who was he? Who was she? Yeah, who knew? It could be a she. He could have really betrayed me, in all means of the word.
"I don't think they would like me to tell you." he cast his eyes downwards, and, immediately, I felt a rush of anger. Yeah, I knew what he was trying to say. You don't deserve to know. I value your opinion less than I value the other person in my life. And they?They? He didn't trust me with that information?
I gritted my teeth. The heartbreak was still there, but now the shards of my heart were thinly covered by a sheet of anger.
"Well, I wish you all the luck with your new..." I didn't know whether to say girlfriend or boyfriend, so I just trailed off and walked away before tears welled up in my eyes.
I wanted, more than anything in the world, to hear him call out to me, a desperate tone to his voice, and ask me to wait, that he could explain.
But there were no calls behind me. Only the sound of my footsteps, each reminding me that I didn't actually want to be walking away from him.
That each step I was walking was a mile away from him, a mile that I never could get back once more.
I couldn't help turning back, just once. I don't know whY I did it- What had I expected to see? Draco staring longingly after me, want clear in his eyes? I guess I had been so accustomed to people picking me up when I fell down, but here was no safety net when it came to love, was there?
And what I saw when I glanced behind me socked me to beyond my core.
Because there was Ginny. Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy. And he was giving her the rose. He was giving her the rose.
He was giving her the rose.
I didn't know something could hurt more than what I could have experienced before, but this... Two people, both of whom I had... loved before... They had both betrayed me.
No, not betrayed me. I supposed that it wasn't a betrayal- Was I dating anyone at the moment? No. So it wasn't a betrayal.
But it still felt like one.
As soon as I got to the Common Room, I sought out Hermione. SHe was the only one I could really trust, and the only one that would possibly be able to help.
Yes, I was breaking down. On the outside and the inside.
But Hermione, right now, was the only one I could show myself out.
She wasn't in the Girls' Dorm- I checked. She wasn't in the Common ROom, either, and no way was I going to go out of Hogwarts to look for her, nor the Great Hall, because I knew a Staff Meeting was being held there- Damn the teachers, why couldn't they hold it in the stupid staffroom- where they were actually supposed to have their meetings-
Resigned, I decided to go back to my dorm, and cry to myself in bed- After all, it was clear nobody cared enough to listen.
When I got there, to my surprise, Hermione was there.
With Ron.
And she was shouting at him, rage written all over her face.
"What's wrong?" I asked, even though the last thing I wanted to do was to know about a fight between them.
God knew I had my own problems to deal with right now.
"Would you please tell your best friend that I am not going to cut school for his stupid party?" Hermione screamed, but then she went silent, as I stared at her.
"Best friend?" Ron and I said in unison.
"Yeah..." she stuttered. "Well, you guys were best friends. And I think it is completely dumb that you guys are getting into a fight over something... Well, not small, but it is stupid that you two are having a fight at all."
Then, she lowered her voice. "You remember? You guys used to be inseparable. Quite frankly, I used to be the one who had to keep you from competing idiots together. Now you're still being complete idiots, but separately. Which, somehow, is worse, because you're worse idiots than ever."
"Well, he's the one who did Ginny wrong." he spat.
She rolled her eyes. "Don't you see how sorr he is? you're right, he did make a mistake. But, Ron, don't you make mistakes all the time-"
"No, Hermione. Ron's right." I gulped, and turned to him. "I'm sorry. I know I have told you this before, but I can tell you it now, with nothing but sincerity in my hear. You know what happened beween me adn Draco, and you know that I know no wthat what I did... Well, in the end, it really was not worth it. I didn't love Ginny. Maybe at the start I did, but in the end.... I tried to do what was right, and, even though I now know that it was the wrong way to go about it... I thought I was doing the right thing." I took a deep breath, and carried on to make sure that he wouldn't underrupt me. "But I can;t say, as much as you'd like to hear it, that I am the only one to blame for this sitation. I have to say, Ginny iddn't take it how I expected. But there's n use holding a grudge now, is there? Because Ginny has uite clearly moved on."
I turned and sped on my heel, taking it for granted that Ron and Hermione understood what I was saying. But then Ron blurted something out that made me stop in my tracks.
"What do you mean, she's moved on? She's still not over you, though I don't know why."
I whirled. "No, you are quite clearly mistaken. Draco- I mean, Malfoy, gave a rose to her. I saw it. THen I came here. I went to tell..." I guestured to Hermione. "Because, well... I wasn't taking it very well. Yeah, rub it in."
Ron's face went pale. "Malfoy? Malfoy gave her a rose?"
I nodded.
"Did... Did she take it?" his voice sounded choked, and, for once, I understood why.
I didn't see it... I hadn't watched long enough to see her take the rose or not. But she could have only taken it- Who would refuse a rose from Draco Malfoy? I certainly wouldn't Not that he would give one to me.
"Yeah." I nodded, nad Ron's face went slack with anger. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something very strange. Hermione should have been angry- And she was, I could see it on her face- but she was also guilty. I mean, I coudls ee the traces of guilt on her face. I could recognize it from the sheer amount of times I had seen it in the mirror.
Suddenly, Ron spoke, and my train of thought was lost.
He ranted for a few minuted about indecencies and things of the like, then he finally blushed and apologized. "Look, I know you made a mistake, as Hermione said. And like she also said, I guess you dd try to apologize before. I have to admit, 'Mione's always right." he smiled, and we all had a good laugh at that. For a moment, it seemed like the old times, before Malfoy, and before the heartbreak. Just three simple friends- Well, we'd bene nothing but simple. But battling three-headed dogs and the evilest wizard of all time seemed nothing to what we were feeling right now- laughing about things. talking about things... I hadn't realized just how important that was until I lost it.
And that wasn't really just about the friendship either. It was my relationship with Draco, my relationship with Ginny... Everyone, really.
I just nodded at Ron. "I can't say it is okay. Because that would be a lie- What I did wasn't okay, and the way we were... Well, avoiding talking, wasn't okay. But... I mean, I've missed you, mate." I smiled genuinely.
"Yeah... I mean, all I heard was Hermione bestowing her womanly wisdom upon me every minute of the day." he grinned, and I saw Hermione slap him on the arm.
"I did no such thing." she stuck her chin up in the air... But she was smiling too. "Well, I'm glad that you two are done being imbeciles."
I looked at her smile. It was real, but there was something forced about it. As if she was happy that we weren't fighting anymore, but there was still something bugging her. Could that coincide with the odd face she had made earlier?
She must have seen me looking at her because she shook her head at me. We'll talk later, was what I gleaned from that head shake. I mean, that, or that she didn't want to talk about it, but I preferred the first one. After all, the three of us had more secrets that enough. I didn't want to add Hermione's to the mix.
After that, our conversation dwindled. What was there to talk about? It was clear that things had happened, but all of those things where what each of us wanted to bury in the past the most. And, honestly, after a while, I needed to leave. The room, the conversation- or lack thereof. They were starting to suffocate me.
So, I excused myself and walked out. I was, on one hand, of course, glad that I had gotten my friends back. Well, two of them, anyway. Two of my closest friends. I couldn't believe I had thrown that away because of stupid Malfoy.
His name sent more images into my mind. That rose that I had so stupidly thought was for me... My face still burned in shame, as I glanced away from the mirror on the wall in the corridor that I was walking through. I didn't want to see myself, because I was a failure. A failure to everyone, but most of all, a failure in my own eyes.
If I couldn't even learn to love myself... Well then, why should I think that people could love me?
Plopping down on a couch, I closed my eyes, knowing that I would soon regret the dreams that followed.
I was right.
How'd you like that chapter? Kinda bittersweet- I absolutely hated the rose part, but I loved the part in which I wrote in the making up of Ron and Harry. It wasn't in my plan, but honestly, the plan is being completely and utterly ignored right now, because, well... TO be honest, it is kind of fun making things up as I go along, even though I know there will be more major plotholes. As I said before, I'd appreciate any advice concerning audiobooks, and also, as I said before spring break just began. I mean, school finished yesterday, and so... Yeah. I'm planning to do a bunch of things, but if y'all have any ideas as to what i can do to fill my team, tell me, because, I can assure you, even though I have a bunch of things I can do, I have a billion books sitting on my bedside table that I have yet to read, and I have a sketchbook empty and waiting for me to randomly draw badly in- and, of course, I can write aplenty- I'm going to find a way to be bored. So... Yeah. Feel free. Have a great day (and holiday, if you have one for spring)!
-S