~Eleanor~
My brother and I stopped being close when I was twelve. He was fifteen at the time and Miss Josephine Thornton was way more interesting than I was. He stopped helping me with my homework to spend the evening on the phone with her. He stopped coming to our Saturday Tim Horton's dates with our father to sleep over at her place. He stopped coming with me to the library, so I had to walk by myself, choose books by myself, and carry them myself. I was begging for my brother's attention, and when I got it, it didn't last long because he said I was clingy. I started to develop some sort of hatred towards Josephine Thornton because, in my young mind, she had taken my brother away from me. It's safe to say we were never close. We still aren't. My brother only dated one girl in his life and it was her. After they met sophomore year, they spent the rest of their high school years together, they went to UVic together in the same undergraduate program, they were both accepted in the University of British-Columbia's Medical Program, and they are both doing their residency at the Victoria General Hospital. The only difference is that my brother chose psychiatry while Josephine chose pediatrics and OB-GYN.
When I walk into my second hospital of the day, the pressure in my chest almost makes me regret my decision. I almost walk out of the hospital to go straight to Olive's place, but I don't. I need to know for how long a baby has been growing inside of me. I get flash-backs from last night when I clearly don't know where the hell to go. Why do hospital hallways all look the same? Lucky for me, there is a huge plan of the hospital immediately when you walk in. It's impossible to miss it, but I still did. When I calm myself down, I easily locate the psychiatric ward on the plan, take a picture of how to get there in my mind, and find the elevators. I press on the 6 and wait as the elevator goes up. This unit is similar to the one I was in this morning. There is a secretary behind a glass wall taking your name and the name of your physician. When it's my turn, she asks for my appointment sheet. Her reaction is immediate when I tell her that I don't have one.
"You can't walk in if you don't have an appointment," she says in the not so warm tone of a woman who has to say this multiple times a day.
"But I have to see Dr. William Martin. It's really important." I try and plead with her even though her face tells me it's useless.
"You see the woman over there?" She points at a woman with grey hair wearing a used brown coat. I nod. "Well, she said that what she has to say to Dr. Martin is really important too. Do you see me falling for that?" I shake my head but try one last thing.
"He is my brother. Just tell him that Ella is here, please." The only answer I get is an eye roll. I know arguing further would be useless. It would probably only get me committed in the ward. She screams: "next!" and turns her attention to the man behind me in the queue.
I take a seat in the waiting room, this time in the front row. I only pray for him to come out at one point. I would call him, but I left my phone in Windsor. I can see it clearly on the kitchen counter where I left it. At the time, I thought it was a good idea to disconnect completely, but I regret it immensely right now. The only way I can track time is by the clock on the wall behind the bitchy secretary, I end up sitting there for over two hours. It's ten past noon when Will finally walks out of the unit's door. His reaction is immediate, his brows scrunch down, his mouth opens as he stops walking. The woman he was talking to stops too, waiting for him to continue their conversation. I get up from my seat the second I saw him. He walks up to me, totally ditching the other woman.
"Ella? What are you doing here? I thought you were in Windsor. Why aren't you in school?" He always uses the same tone filled with disgust every time he mentions my life in Windsor, and of course he had to mention the school thing. I am not sure if he is happy or not to see me.
"I need to talk to you," I say, taking a glance at the secretary whose eyes lock with mine. If I were more childish, I would stick out my tongue or give her a fake smile.
"Why didn't they call me?" That's the thing with my brother. He would deny any relationship with me, but if it gives him the chance to prove his authority over someone else, I become the most important person in the whole world.
"I didn't have an appointment and I don't have my phone with me." He closes his eyes momentarily before turning around to face the secretary who now has a worried look on her face. He doesn't say anything to her which surprises me. He is not the type of guy who misses out on the opportunity to explain to someone how wrong they are. Instead, he just grabs my arm to pull me in the corridor leading to the elevators. He presses on the button to go down. Almost immediately, the elevator opens in front of us.
"I was about to go meet Jo for lunch, you can come with us." The second the words leave his mouth, I stop following him. He ends up alone in the cabin, having to rush out before the door closes again separating us. He gives me a look I know too well. He used to give me this look when I ignored Josephine when she talked to me at dinner. It means "what the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"I said I need to talk to you not to her." I spit out the last word. He rolls his eyes, making me regret coming here. I am about to tell him not to worry about it and that I'll find another way, but he grabs my arm again, dragging me back into the psychiatry waiting room. He types a code making the department door open. He waves to a couple people without letting go of my arm, those people giving me either weird or worried glances. In this kind of place, it's probably best if I don't know.
"Will, it hurts," I say as I try to wiggle out of his grasp, but he only strengthens his hold. "William!" I said it louder this time hoping it would make him release, but he doesn't let go until we are in what looks like an exam room. He points the bed against the wall. I say bed, but it's more an exam table, one with squishing paper on top of it. I have to jump to sit on it, but I succeed after a few tries. He sits down on a stool typical in medical offices.
We wait like this for a few minutes, me trying to avoid his eyes and him wanting to make eye contact.
"Eleanor, I have an hour until I have to go back to work. Please don't make me spend it in here with you in silence." Hearing him say things like that, you would never imagine that my brother is an amazing doctor, but I know he is. He just doesn't want to use his great empathy skills with me, I guess.
"I," I stop to take a look at him, only to see him roll his eyes again. "I'm pregnant, Will." His jaw literally falls to the floor. At first, it seems like he believes me, but the longer he stays silent, the more his face changes. He ends up shaking his head multiple times while closing his eyes. He even gets up from his stool to start pacing around the room.
"No, you're not, Ella. It's not funny," he says angrily. I knew he would react that way. In my brother's head, no one around him would humiliate him like that. I hide my face in my hands to hide the tears that are slowly forming in my eyes. I hear him say my name, but I don't look up until his tone his softer.
"Why does it always have to be complicated, Ella? You move to Windsor with this guy, and now you're having a baby with him? At least, tell me it's his." It's my turn to be angry now.
"You think I wanted this? You really think it was in my plans to get pregnant at twenty while I live across the country? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one." I am screaming now. He keeps telling me to calm down, but I just can't. "I came here because I wanted you to help me, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to hold me, to tell me it will be fine, to tell me what to do. You're not supposed to yell and tell me how stupid I am, I already know that very well. I didn't need you to tell me." I am fully crying now. He finally seems to come to his senses, when the door opens suddenly. Two strong guys wearing security agent uniforms walk in, asking if something is actually wrong.
"Dr. Martin are you alright? Do you need help?" Is he okay? Really? I am the one hyperventilating from all the crying, and they ask if he's okay? I get up from the examination table to try and go out of this room that suddenly feels very small and suffocating, but one of the agents stop me by grabbing my arm the same way William did a couple minutes ago.
"Let me go! Will, tell them to let me go." I don't see what my brother is doing but the agent releases me, allowing me to walk back into the corridor.
I hear my name being called out, but I don't stop walking away. Coming here was a mistake. How stupid was I to think that he would actually be comprehensive? My brother likes to think that he is perfect, so if anyone around him does something that doesn't correspond to his standards, he treats them like shit. I was stupid enough to think that he was going to understand for once. I have to wait for the secretary to open the door, so I can finally leave this awful place. I wait, and I wait, but she just doesn't open it. This gives my brother time to run up to me, he only stops when he is in front of me, out of breath from the running. The only thing my brother was never good at was sports.
"Ella, wait please. I'm sorry." As he whispers those words, he wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. He holds me there for a moment, I can hear people talking in the background, but the words are muzzled by the sound of my tears. No matter what I can say about my brother, it feels really good to be this close to him again. I honestly can't recall the last time he held me that way. He has to let go when someone wants to walk out of the door. He grabs my hand again, but this time, he interlocks his fingers with mine as we walk back into the exam room.
"What can I do for you?" his voice is soft again, like the time I lost my favorite teddy bear when I was six. He used the same hushed tone when he offered me the bunny he used to sleep with when he was my age. I think that bunny is still in my room in my parents' house.
"I need to know how long it's been." He nods without saying a word.
"Give me five minutes, I'll go get what I need, okay?" It's my turn to nod. A few seconds later, he is out the door again, leaving me alone with my thoughts once more. I honestly don't know what I want the ultrasound to reveal. It can't have been that long, can it? I also don't know what I want to do. I know I have options, nurse Denise repeated it enough times yesterday for it to be implanted in my mind forever, but I don't know what I want. I know I have to consider what Ben wants also, but, right now, I can't think about anyone but myself.
William comes back a few minutes later with the ultrasound machine he said he stole from the OB-GYN department. He installs it while I lay down on the table and lift my shirt up. He puts the cold gluey blue gel on my stomach before setting the machine on my skin. The screen is hidden from me as he searches for the fetus with scrunched eyebrows. I finally managed to stop crying when I was waiting for him to come back. Suddenly, a big smile appears on his face as he turns the screen towards me. He moves a little to the left, a sound that seems to be a heartbeat filling up the small room. He points to a little dot on the image as he says "there." I think I stop breathing as soon as I see the place he points with his finger.
"How long?" I manage to say after a while.
"I'd say six or seven weeks, but I haven't done this in a while. You're sure you don't want me to go get Jo? She's better than me at this." I shake my head fast, getting my point across immediately.
"It doesn't add up Will. The only time Ben and I had sex without using a condom was two weeks ago. I know condoms break, but it's pushing it a little." He raises his shoulders, asking if I take my pill regularly.
"Regularly enough, like between six an eleven pm." He closes his eyes. When he opens them again, I know that it's where I messed up.
"If you're sensitive to your hormone levels varying and the condom broke it's possible, Ella." It's my turn to close my eyes. I knew it, I just needed someone to tell me what I already knew. When he's done, we are back in the same position we started this conversation, with me sitting on the exam table while he is still on his stool. I don't try and avoid his eyes this time.
"I'm sorry about earlier. They don't joke about security in a psych ward." I tell him I understand, and that I am sorry too. I shouldn't have lashed out like that at him.
"Thank you. You didn't have to do it. I ruined your lunch with your girlfriend and all." I look down when I say the last sentence. I hear him sigh before I see him get up from his stool. I raise my eyes up when I hear the stupid paper crack only to see my brother sitting next to me.
"She'll understand. Last week, it was her who had to cancel. Don't worry about it." I look up at him, a surprised look on my face. He continues, his tone a lot less humorous: "I'm having dinner at mom and dad's tonight. Do you want to come?"
I shake my head. "No, and you can't tell them you saw me. You can't tell Josephine either." He surprisingly agrees without protesting. He thinks I didn't notice him scrunch his face when I called his girlfriend by her full name but I did.
He walks me to the unit's door, giving me another long hug before nodding his head at the camera in the top right corner of the wall, leaving his arm around my shoulders. Seconds later, the door opens and we both walk out. When we walk by the secretary, I can't help but stick out my tongue at her because, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I am very childish. When we are back in front of the elevators, he turns around to face me once again.
"Call me if you need anything, okay? And go fetch that prenatal prescription I gave you, it's important." He put his doctor face back on, making me chuckle. I nod as the elevator opens in front of us. I walk in the cabin and press the button that will lead me to the first floor. Right before the doors close, I take one last glance at my brother in his pale green scrubs with his white lab coat. He looks so much older like this than in his usual clothes, I almost don't recognize him.
"Thank you Will," I say as the doors close. I only have time to see him nod before he disappears.