"The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It's always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do.
― Tahereh Mafi
2.
2 months after primfaya
I never thought I'd miss it. Space. The endless void of bright balls of gas and the moon. The moon was an old friend. Sure, it was always there, but being this close again brought a sense of nostalgia. Although, space feels empty and quite, I felt comfort in it when I use to find helplessness in it. The only comfort that I could really receive to stable myself was looking at the moon from the window wall facing it.
I take a look over at earth, a dead earth that holds dead people and dead memories. I look back to the moon to steady myself again.
It's been two months since we left earth, since we left our friends and family. It's been two months since Jasper. Every once in awhile I'd find myself wanting to look over at him when Monty said something nerdy or made a really bad joke, but when I'd look he wouldn't be there. When we had time to settle in after we got the oxygen going and the algae farm running, that's when everything started to creep in. The reality of it all.
That's when Jasper being gone hit me hard. He wasn't here with us, cringing at the first taste of Monty's algae or playing stupid games we made up to get over our boredom. He was a brother and the greatest friend I could have asked for. Now that he's gone it feels like a part of me is too.
"Hey, T. We missed you at dinner." I turn my head to see Monty. He walks over and sits down next to me, I look back out the window.
"Not hungry." It was technically true, I had already had algae for lunch but I wasn't feeling up for dinner.
"Yeah, but you know the rules. We always eat together no matter what."
"Monty, I'm not in the mood." I sigh.
"You're never in the mood. I'm just worried about you, Taylor. We all are." I roll my eyes at his words. I miss one or two dinners and suddenly I'm a concern.
"Monty, please just leave me alone."
"No, you barely talk to the group when we're together. You barely talk to me. I want to help you."
"There's nothing to help, Monty. Can I not be sad? Why am I always the one who has to be strong all the time? Why do I get that burden?" I finally look at him raising my voice slightly. He looks taken back but he sighs.
"I know you miss your dad and our friends but-"
"You think this is because I miss them? Of course I do, but they're safe right now in the bunker. You know who I miss, Monty? Jasper. You remember him don't you?" The words tasted bitter coming from my mouth but I couldn't help it.
"Woah, that's not fair. He was my best friend too." He looks hurt and I have to look away.
"Then why aren't you upset?"
"What makes you think I'm not upset? I think about him everyday and I miss him everyday but guess what, Taylor? He's gone and he's never coming back. There's nothing I can do about that and there's nothing you can do either so we have to just bear it."
"Maybe he was right...this isn't living, this is just surviving." A tear slides down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away despite him noticing.
"Don't say that." He sighs, "Taylor, how do you think Bellamy's feeling? He just wants to help you too and you're pushing him away."
"What?" I look at him curiously.
"I talked to Bellamy-"
"So now you guys are what? Taylor's support group? Jesus. You guys talk about me a lot? Are the others in on it too?" I scoff. I turn to hang my legs off the sill, my back now facing the moon.
"Bellamy loves you-"
I stand up right away.
"You think I don't know that?"
"You don't talk with him about how you're feeling, hell, do you even talk to him at all?" My body flushes with heat as Monty makes his accusation. But I'm more angrier at the fact that Bellamy has obviously shared more information than I'm comfortable with.
"Go float yourself, Monty." I walk away from him and he doesn't dare stop me. I walk down the hall until finally I get to mine and Bellamy's room. He's sitting on the bed reading a book and when I walk in he sets it down on the night stand.
"Hey-"
"You've been talking with Monty a lot, huh?" I cross my arms and try to calm myself down. My emotions were already all over the place till Monty came to talk to me. Now I was just pissed off and upset.
"What?"
"I barely talk to you? I'm pushing you away?"
"Taylor-"
"Don't go to Monty next time. Come talk to me."
"How can I? You're never in the mood to talk. Anytime I try to help you, you say you're fine and you either walk away or change the conversation."
"Has it occurred to any of you that maybe I just need some godamn time to mourn? Losing Jasper and the baby so close together and not being able to properly mourn them at the time really fucked with my head. So sorry if I'm not in the fucking mood to talk about it."
He stands up from the bed, looking angry but Bellamy has always been good at knowing when to reign his emotions in.
"I lost them too. Jasper was like a brother to me and I have you to thank for that. I miss him just as much as you do. And... losing our... I...it hurts me too. Okay? I had a picture in my head about what our future would be like with our family but that future is gone now. We have to move on and create a new one." I bite my lip and shake my head.
"You and Monty...jesus. You guys may have been able to cope with this in your own way but this is how I'm dealing with it. Why is that so wrong? Everyone deals with death differently. All you guys are doing right now is making me feel like shit for trying to deal with it in my own way.
He walks over to me and places one hand on my cheek.
"I'm sorry that we made you feel that way. But it's not that you're figuring it out in your own way, it's that you won't let us help you. Taylor, I love you and I want to be here for you. Let me in. Whatever way you need to mourn them, let me be there with you to hold your hand." My lips tremble at his words and I look down so I can catch my breath.
He tilts my chin un and pulls me to his chest by my waist.
"I love you. Let me help you." Looking into his dark brown eyes, I see our new future and what lies ahead. I see the possibilities and the good times and the bad. I see him. I see happiness again.
I nod my head and he pulls me in for a kiss.
5 months after primfaya
In space, things to do are limited. Boredom was a frequent and daily occurrence. When we could we'd make up stupid games to keep us entertained or tell stories. We'd read or perhaps write. We'd also spar a lot, there was no need for it but it could be pretty fun especially when we'd bet on each other.
But sometimes even with that short list of options, we'd be out of our minds. After awhile we all got into the groove of things and we all had our own little thing to do while bored. Like Emori would practice with the technology of the ship and Raven would help, that was Raven's thing, to teach. Murphy's thing would be to kick around a ball as he made his way all over the place. Everyone figured out their own little way of fun.
Mine and Bellamy's fun involved a bit more privacy.
"Fuck, Taylor." Bellamy groans and I let out a moan, "Bellamy." His sweaty form collapses on top of me and I hug him to me despite all of him weighing me down. He pulls back a bit and kisses me hard. The kiss is almost enough to get me going again but he breaks it. He then places his head against mine with his eyes closed as he tries to steady his breathing.
Me and Bellamy could never keep our hands off each other and that was no secret. Although we were very active usually, eventually active became really active. Anytime one of us was bored we'd pull the other to the side for some fun. Then of course one round turned into many because we had no where to be. Time in space is nonexistent but it's even more so when Bellamy has his hands on me.
"Third round in the past two hours...You'll be the death of me." He finally rolls over and pulls me into him. I wrap my leg around his legs and cross my arms on his chest and lean my head on them so I can look at him.
"Aw, are you saying no round four?" I pout playfully and he grins as he runs his hand through my hair as his other hand rubs circles on my bare back.
"No one is saying that. Just let me catch my breath." I let out a laugh and he shakes his head.
"Not getting bored of this yet?"
"Are you seriously asking me if I'm getting bored having you under me looking like a fucking goddess when you let go? Seriously?" I can't help the heat I feel in my cheeks, Bellamy never fails to make me blush.
"Stop." I kiss his chest and then lay my head down on my arms again.
"Are you getting bored?" He asks.
"Let's put it this way, I'm okay with the fact that we have four and a half more years up here." He lets out a deep laugh and I smile.
"I'm looking forward to every single one with you in my arms."
1 year and 6 months after primfaya
"Bored of me yet, Bellamy?"
"Why are you doing this?" He shakes his head as he stands in front of me in our room.
"Doing what?"
"Trying to push me away. You don't know what else to do so you drive a wedge between us. I get it, okay? Sometimes it gets suffocating being up here and makes you feel like you're not in control. But you can't push me away."
He was right. Space was bottomless and still. It could make you go crazy just thinking about it after awhile. I don't know why I'd suddenly feel the urge to fight with Bellamy, hell, with whoever. It made me feel in control and there was always a different outcome, maybe that's why I did it, for the uncertainty. Up here everything is set and still, starting fights with someone let's me ride along into whatever chaos could be created.
"I'm not doing that, Bellamy." I lie.
"Yes, you are. Fucking talk to me. I understand you tend to want to handle things on your own sometimes despite me always being there for you but you can't take this shit out on me."
"I'm not taking anything out on you." I cross my arms and he shakes his head.
"You're trying to start a fight. Asking me if I'm bored of you? What kind of question is that? I love you, I've never stopped and never will. You're my everything. You're my heart. You're my fucking wife and I fucking love you."
"Bell..." I shake my head and look way from him. Seeing him look so hurt made me feel like absolute shit.
"I'm sorry. I know you love me. I know. I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I love you and I'm sorry for how I've been acting lately. I'm going fucking crazy." I curl my arms around his neck and he slides his arms around my waist like a reflex.
"When you're feeling like you're not in control I want you to come to me or one of the others. Or if you need space for a bit you need to tell me and then take all the space you need but trying to argue with me or the others is not healthy and it's not solving anything. Okay?"
"I promise. You're the only thing that makes me feel grounded, I don't know why I try to push that away when I need it the most."
2 years and 6 months after primfaya
"No!" A shout wakes me up from my sleep and I sit up right away. Bellamy flinches slghtly in his sleep and I can tell he's having a nightmare. He starts mumbling and I can see the sweat on his forehead. I place one hand on his cheek and my other on his shoulder. I shake him gently.
"Bell, baby, wake up." He shakes his head as his eyes fly open and he sits up immediately.
"Hey, you're okay. It was just a nightmare." He pants and closes his eyes. He places his hand on top of mine that rests on his cheek and presses it firm against his cheek trying to lean into my touch as much as he possibly can.
"I'm sorry I woke you." He opens his eyes and sighs.
"Hey, it's okay. Do you want to talk about it?" He doesn't speak for a second but I give him time as he seems to be collecting his thoughts.
"It was about my mom and O. I....they..." He shakes his head as he can't even bring himself to explain further.
"Bell, you don't have to say anything. I know. It's okay. O is safe in the bunker right now and you're mom, well, she's always with you."
For some time now Bellamy had been having nightmares about Octavia and his mom. Murphy had brought up the bunker a few weeks ago, questioning whether or not everyone was even still alive despite the resources they had in the beginning. Murphy wasn't trying to be hurtful or negative but he seemed genuinely concerned. I felt it too, what exactly would we be returning to? Unfortunately for Bellamy, that made him start to overthink. From that day he hadn't been the same, he would talk to me about Octavia and bring up a lot of 'what if's' and sometimes he would tell me more stories of when he was younger. I could tell they were always on his mind lately.
"I can't lose Octavia too. I can't" He shakes his head. I see a single tear glide down his cheek and I pull him into me as he quietly cries into my neck. He squeezes me and tries to pull me closer to him as if I'll disappear. He cries for a few more minutes till finally he calms down as I rub his back and play with his hair.
"You won't lose her, Bell. You have to trust me on that. The amount of food and water they had is more than enough to last the five years. And with all those farmers and engineers, all those intelligent minds, they would not stop working if they knew there was something wrong. She's okay. I bet she's down there right now giving attitude to Indra or Kane." He lets out a little laugh and pulls away to look at me.
"I wouldn't be surprised if she has gone full queen mode. After all, she's their leader now." I add and he laughs again. I smile as I see him calming down.
"Who knew my baby sister would rule twelve clans?" He shakes his head.
"Honestly, if it was going to be anyone it was going to be her. She's strong and she's smart and so are all those people down there with her. She's okay." I say. He nods his head.
"I'm sorry I keep having nightmares, I don't mean to wake you."
"Baby, stop. I'm fine. I'm sorry. Do you want to try to go back to sleep or do you want to stay up? I'll stay up for however long you want." I place a kiss between his eyebrows.
"Sleep. Please." He says. I nod as we both get comfortable again. He holds me closer this time and I play with his hair to soothe him back into sleep.
"I love you, princess."
"I love you, Bell."
A/N:
I loved writing this chapter! There's so much you can do with a time hop and I'm loving it. Too bad the show just said fuck those 6 years and never talked about them again.
Anyways, I wanted to show you their struggles while up in space and how they are coping with everything. At first it seems like Taylor is struggling the most but we see at the end here Bellamy has struggled a lot too.
On a lighter note, Bellamy and Taylor found a way to keep themselves preoccupied for awhile... 👀
Anyways, I just want to say sorry for the late ass update again. Technically I had planned to post this past Sunday because I was on spring break but then everything got in the way and I forgot about some things that were due and it was just a crazy week back from break. But I'm happy to get this chapter out to you guys!
Thank you all so much for sticking with this story despite the late chapters at times. It really means a lot and I'm really happy you guys are still loving Bellamy and Taylor's story. I also really love seeing your comments, it's so fun to see you guys comment on each chapter right after the other, it's like I'm experiencing it with you all over again. So don't be afraid to leave comments! Let me know how you liked this chapter!
Much love, xoxo