SONG FOR THE CHAPTER: What's Wrong by PVRIS
We all sat down around the dining table after we helped Lillian bring out all the food. She had cooked several different dishes, varying from chicken curry to pad Thai. Everything looked and smelled delicious, and I had high hopes it would taste delicious as well. Pushing all thoughts of Julian aside, I focused on the wonderful meals before me.
"Mathilda, why on earth have you got chopsticks?" Corinna, Julian's other sister, asked. She was sitting across from her niece, eyeing her warily. So far, Mathilda had tried to pick up some chicken but it dropped straight onto the cream-coloured tablecloth, leaving behind an orange stain.
"I am cultured," Mathilda announced, absentmindedly waving the chopsticks around in the air.
Emelia laughed and shook her head, guiding Mathilda's arms down. "I don't even know where you learn to say half the stuff you do. Just use the fork, hon."
"Mom, you don't understand," Mathilda groaned, sounding more like a teenager than her actual age of six. She resumed her attempt to use the chopsticks and continued to make a huge mess in the process.
I bit my lip to hold back a laugh.
Emelia shook her head again and didn't push it anymore. I'd been around Mathilda long enough now to understand that she was stubborn and very spirited. If she really wanted to use chopsticks, then she was going to use them, and there was no persuading her otherwise.
Emelia muttered that she would be right back and disappeared into the house.
We all served up some food and began eating. I was right – it was as delicious as it looked. Every single person at the table made sure to let Lillian know as well. When I asked why she cooked her own birthday lunch, Julian just explained to me how passionate she was about cooking.
Before I finished my food, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. As I rounded the corner, someone almost slammed into me.
"Sorry," Emelia and I said in unison.
She laughed. "My bad. I never look where I'm going."
"It's all good," I told her.
Emelia smiled, but her eyes darted around my face. "By the way, I'm sorry for what I said earlier to you and Julian. I realised I must've hit a nerve by the way you both looked as though you wanted to jump off the nearest cliff."
I wrung my hands and looked away. I knew precisely what she was referring to.
I remember exactly what it was like to be young and in love.
I forced a smile onto my lips. "It's fine. It's just weird since we're...we're not actually together."
Understanding flashed across her face. "Oh. I didn't know. Sorry."
"It's fine," I repeated, followed by a wince as I realised how that sounded. "Wait, it's-it's not like that. We're just, uh, you know...ugh, it's complicated." I finished with a sigh.
Great. Now she must think we're friends with benefits or something. Julian is going to kill me.
I didn't see how this day could get more awkward.
"It's cool. I didn't mean to pry or make assumptions or anything," Emelia said, the smile still on her lips. "I probably shouldn't say anything, but I think Julian really likes you. Whatever you guys are, you're a good friend to him and I think he appreciates that."
"I appreciate his friendship, too," I told her honestly, even if the word "friend" woke the nerves in my stomach.
Shut it down, Isa, I mentally scolded myself.
"Well, nice chat," Emelia said after a few moments, clasping her hands and shifting away from the wall. "I better go and check on Mathilda. There's a high chance she's started a food fight with Julian or something equally ridiculous."
I forced out a laugh despite the fact that I wanted to stab myself with a blunt knife. She turned to head back to the dining room and I made my way into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I exhaled shakily, the sound echoing through the small room, and tugged a hand through my hair.
Things were getting far too complicated and that truly frightened me. I thought of Julian as more than a friend, something I never, ever thought would happen. The Seduction Game was supposed to be just that – a game. It definitely didn't feel like that to me anymore, but there was a high chance Julian didn't feel the same way.
After I finished in the bathroom, I took a deep breath and tried to lower my heart rate down to the normal rate. The last thing I needed to do right now was spiral out of control. So, I did what I did best – I shoved everything into one area and locked it all away.
Control. I need to get my control back otherwise I might not survive.
I returned to the dining room and sat back down next to Julian. We all finished our food, making pleasant conversation as we went. After that, Julian stood to clear the table. I followed suit and carried the dishes back into the kitchen. Lillian deserved a break after all the hard work she'd done.
"Thank you for lunch. It was the best thing I've ever had," I told Lillian honestly after everything was cleared away.
"It was my pleasure. Thank you for coming," she replied warmly, gently touching my arm.
Julian emerged from the kitchen and headed over to us. "You ready to go?" he said to me.
I nodded. The sooner I got away from him, the better.
Julian wrapped his arms around his mom and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I'll be back a bit later."
After Julian released her, Lillian surprised me by giving me a hug. I stiffened in her arms, not sure what to do. My own mom never hugged me so it felt strange; unnatural. Lillian let me go after a few moments and stepped back.
She fixed me with a stern stare. "Sweetheart, what your mom did the other night was not okay. I hope you know that."
I stilled, feeling my pulse increase. My mouth dried up and I couldn't think of a single response.
Lillian continued. "Julian told me not to say anything to you, but you seem like such a lovely young woman that it breaks my heart to think you're being treated poorly at home. I just want you to know that you're always welcome here and that you are safe whenever you're in this house."
Julian's gaze snapped to me, an uncomfortable expression on his face. It most likely mirrored my own.
If there was ever a time for the ground to decide to swallow me whole, now was it. This was the last conversation I wanted to have, even if Lillian was being kind. Even if she just wanted to help.
I cleared my throat and subtly wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. "Than you. That-that means a lot."
Julian and I left shortly after that. Thoughts were zooming through my head at a million miles an hour and it felt as though my lungs were refusing to fill with air. Getting into the car was a blur. Driving out of Julian's neighbourhood was a blur. Everything was blurring by and I couldn't seem to slow it down.
My mom wasn't a monster. She was selfish and hard to please and demanding, but there were worse people in the world than her. I couldn't help but feel oddly defensive when people hinted that she wasn't a very nice person. She was my mom, after all. It was hard to hate someone who shared your DNA.
I felt the car roll to a stop and I crashed back down to reality. Looking out the window, I frowned, not recognising my surroundings.
"Where are we?" I asked, glancing over at Julian.
"At a lookout. Come on." That was all he said before he got out of the car.
I opened the door and followed him over to a concrete ledge. He sat down, legs hanging over a rocky area that was only a few metres down. I sat beside him, swinging my legs over in the same way. The view overlooked the whole city, the roads like winding around the tall buildings and suburbs like veins.
"What are we doing?" I asked, wringing my hands together and shivering as a cool breeze slapped my face.
"Admiring the view," Julian said simply. "I've always liked this place."
I could see why. Not only was the view beautiful, but so was the shrubbery surrounding the parking lot. Various different bushes filled with flowers were scattered between the tall, luscious, green trees. Pair that with the spectacular view and this place looked and felt quite magnificent. I'd been to a few lookouts around the city but never this one before.
We weren't the only ones there, though. Since it was the middle of the day, there were groups of people milling about, taking photos and enjoying the view. I even overheard some tourists that sounded Australian as they struggled to get the perfect family photo.
"You've been quiet ever since we left. What's up?" Julian asked, his eyes fixed straight ahead.
"Just thinking," I answered vaguely. "This place is really pretty."
Out the corner of my eye, I saw Julian's gaze land on me. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but what my mom said to you is true. Your mom was out of line. What she did really wasn't okay."
I resisted the urge to squirm. He was right – I didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it made it feel more real and I was happy acting like it was all just a bad dream that I could still wake up from.
"I know." My voice came out hollow.
"I don't think you do, Isa."
My head snapped to the side and I shot him a look. "Don't patronise me."
"Hey, I'm not," he said calmly, nudging my knee with his. "I'm just saying that you might not see what your mom did as a bad thing and that's not your fault."
"What she did was bad. I'm well aware of that," I said, bitterness lacing my tone. "Just because I don't think she's abusive doesn't mean I'm okay with how things have gone."
"Emotional abuse is still abuse."
His words clanged through me like a shard of metal, scraping at my insides and embedding itself into my heart. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and ran my hands back and forth over my jean-clad thighs.
"I can't hate her. She's my mom," I said quietly.
"I would feel the same way," Julian told me, his voice soft. "But it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't treat you nicely."
I heaved out a sigh, realising that he was right. "I know."
The word "abuse" wasn't easy to swallow, especially when it was used as a label for someone you cared about. It just didn't feel like an appropriate label for my mom. It felt too harsh, too unfounded.
But it was probably more accurate than I wanted to admit.
"You haven't been home since it happened, have you?"
I shook my head and shoved my hands into the pockets of my coat. The air was cold, causing my body to feel stiff.
Julian's knee nudged mine again. "What're you going to do?"
"I don't know," I said hoarsely.
The wind whipped my dark hair around my face, obscuring my vision slightly. I hastily brushed it away and wished for a hair tie. I never seemed to have one when I needed it most.
Julian was watching me closely, causing my nerves to skitter through my body.
"As you've probably already figured out, I have no interest in pursuing a career in medicine," I said flatly.
"Why are you studying it then?" Julian asked in a way that wasn't rude but rather curious; intrigued.
"My parents forced me to. I know that sounds ridiculous. I'm an adult and should be allowed to make my own decisions."
"Yeah, you should," Julian agreed.
"My brother is a doctor. My sister is a nurse. I'm expected to follow the same path, whether I want to or not."
I could still feel Julian's eyes on me, like a sunray that gradually becomes hotter against your skin.
"It's killing me," I admitted, my voice breaking.
I flinched when I felt something touch my hand. Looking down, I watched as Julian threaded his fingers through mine and squeezed.
"I'm so tired of pretending to be someone I'm not," I continued, staring at our intertwined hands. "It's like this weight on my shoulders that keeps getting heavier and heavier every day. I'm afraid it's going to crush me soon."
"Isa, you are brilliant. You can be anything you want to be. If your parents don't accept that, then screw them," Julian said firmly. "We can't follow a path that someone else has laid out for us. It doesn't work like that. You have to find your own path and work with it the best you can."
I looked up at Julian. Several months ago, I thought he was idiotic and immature. I'd wanted nothing to do with him and wasn't afraid to admit that I despised him. Now, he was a pillar of strength, something I was terribly afraid to let go of. Something I never wanted to lose.
"Thank you," I whispered sincerely.
I watched as he swallowed and simply nodded, giving my hand a small squeeze.
"When did you become so wise, by the way? You used to have a brain the size of an almond," I said, smirking weakly. I wanted to lighten the mood. I was not a fan of being vulnerable.
A short laugh escaped his mouth. "I've always been wise. You just never listened to me before."
I grinned and bumped his shoulder with mine. "I never listened to you because you were an idiot."
Julian's mouth dropped open. "Kincaid, I am highly offended by that statement."
My teeth scraped against my bottom lip as I smiled. "I'm just being truthful, West."
"You're breaking my heart," he announced dramatically.
"Wow, I didn't realise you had one," I said, faking shock.
He groaned. "You are brutal. Utterly brutal."
I grinned at him again. "It's what I do best."
"Beautiful and brutal. It's quite the combination."
I chuckled, rolling my eyes.
Julian rose to his feet, yanking me up with him. I had to watch my footing since we were still standing on the small, concrete ledge overlooking some shrubbery. He tugged me towards him, wrapping his arm around me while still clutching my other hand. The warmth from his body seeped into mine, driving away the chill coursing through me.
He lent his forehead on mine, something he did quite often yet it never failed to make my heart jolt in my chest.
"I don't think you have any idea how amazing you are," Julian murmured.
Once again, the butterflies in my stomach woke up and began fluttering around.
"You're so smart and funny and kind and beautiful." Julian's thumb started tracing circles on the back of my hand. "So beautiful it's almost painful."
"You're not so bad yourself, West," I replied lamely. It wasn't my fault my brain malfunctioned whenever he was close.
A shrill ringing pierced the air and it took me a moment to realise it was coming from my phone. I leaned away and huffed, pulling it out from my pocket. I froze when I saw who was calling.
Hudson.
That's weird.
I let it ring. I wasn't sure I had the strength to speak to her today. Or any day, really.
I was about to put my phone away when it rang again, Hudson's name making its second appearance on my screen. Before I knew what I was doing, I swiped across and held it up to my ear.
"Hey, is everything okay?" I asked slowly. She rarely ever called me. I wondered if something was wrong, especially since she called me twice.
"Isa, you need to come home."
"What? What's going on?" I asked. Fear trickled into my chest.
Something's wrong.
"Just get home," my sister repeated, her voice wavering ever so slightly. "Please."
A minute later, Julian and I were on the road, heading towards my home.