Transferring my transcripts was easy. It was going in on my last day that was hard. Mikey had texted me the night before and had told me that the last day at school would be my easiest. But judging from the tight knots in my stomach, I didn't think so.
Stella, who had been ever so discreetly watching me from the rearview mirror, gave me a reassuring smile. "Hey," she said softly, turning down the music Max was blasting. "you don't have to do this alone. I'm right here if you need me."
A small part of me, the cowardice part of me, wanted to jump up and scream yes please! But I had a whole pep talk in the mirror, and promised myself I would walk through the front doors of the school alone. It was something new I was working on. Learning how not to be too codependent where I needed to tread alone, and when to ask for help for when I felt like drowning.
This was just a minor step, I kept telling myself. Walk through the school on my own and with my head held high. I could do it.
"I know you are." I nodded, "It's okay. I've got this."
And I knew I did.
__________
When the last bell rang, I walked out of the school with my head held high. I had walked to all of my classes alone. Even if I didn't really make small talk with anyone, it didn't matter. I had done something on my own.
Me! I had done something so simple but so terrifying and nothing bad happened! No triggers, no nervous sweats, no panic attacks.
Max and Stella were already at the car waiting for me when I reached the school parking lot. This was it. My last day here before I went away to Safe Haven. Still, I felt unfinished and I knew exactly why.
Jace was walking across the parking lot. His head was down and I could see his headphones on. I had no right to try to start something with him. He deserves someone who could love him without hurting him.
All I ever did was hurt him.
"You'll regret it if you don't go." Max said coming up to me. I hadn't noticed I stopped in my tracks to watch Jace. He was unlocking his door when Max nudged me again. "Listen, Stella and I need to go run an important errand for her parents. Do you mind finding a different ride?" He asked innocently.
I stared back at him blankly. "What are you doing?"
"I'm just giving you an excuse to finally talk to Jace." He grinned mischievously. Then he shoved me and quickly added. "You've got this Nix!"
I smiled, and bravely I walked across the parking lot. Jace was unlocking his car when I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and his eyes widened just the tiniest bit before going back to normal. Distant and cautious. Obviously I wasn't off to a great start.
"Hi." I managed.
Jace's jaw grinded and I thought he would turn around and leave, but finally they softened. "Hey."
Okay, good opening. "Max kinda bailed on me, and I don't have a ride home. Do you mind giving me a lift?" I asked my hands trembling, I hoped he wouldn't notice. Jace furrowed his brows but nodded. "Thanks."
He didn't say anything. In fact, he was so quiet it was like a ghost was driving most of the way home. Then it hit me, he wasn't talking. This wasn't an accomplishment at all. He was really just giving me a ride and that was it. This wasn't an opening at all. Or...he was quiet because he wanted me to say something first.
"I want to apologize." I said breaking the silence that had made the air tense.
"You already did that, remember?" He said, staring ahead, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. "We're taking a step back." He reminded me.
"I'm leaving for Safe Haven tomorrow, and I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye." I said my voice was coming out shakier than I intended. "There's a lot I want to say to you, and I don't know how?"
Jace parked outside of my house. Dread settled deep inside of me, this was it. But when I reached for the door, Jace put the car in park. "Just tell me, why did you run back to Stella's brother if you hated him so much?"
"The same reason people go back to their hometowns after they've grown up and moved away." I shrugged, "I wanted to remember something I had lost a long time ago, my innocence."
"Colton was more than just an old boyfriend, wasn't he?"
I nodded, and braced myself for what I had to say next. "We started dating secretly when I was fifteen and he was seventeen. It was innocent at first, just two people who enjoyed talking and being around each other. Then one day I woke up and found I was happiest with him. He was my happiness after all the crap I had to go through with my dad.
I fell in love, we both did. We fell hard, and I gave him a part of me I would never give back. Then I got pregnant, and we both freaked. He was going off to college and wanted me to get an abortion. I was scared that if I did, some higher being would punish me and who was I to decide whether to end a life?
So I told him I wouldn't do it, and he left. He didn't even say goodbye, he just packed up and left. That was the end."
Jace stared at me, and I knew he was slowly registering all of this. It was a lot. When he met me, I was the girl who didn't even like being touched. Now he was trying to see me as the girl who was pregnant. It wasn't exactly an easy leap.
Finally, he blinked and his hand slowly reached across the seat and touched mine. It felt like an old welcome, like waking up something inside of me I had missed.
"What happened after he left?" He asked carefully, probably wondering what happened to said baby.
I looked away, and felt my heart breaking. "I realized I wasn't an adult with the means to take care of a baby. I was entering junior year, I was jobless, and I wasn't exactly mentally ready for that kind of responsibility. So with mom's help, I decided that an abortion was the right thing to do."
"So you-"
"No, I didn't have the abortion. I had a miscarriage, and to this day I don't know whether that was easier or not." I explained, feeling a single tear form. It was getting easier to talk about this, now that it wasn't a secret. "Anyway, things got harder after that. I felt guilty about choosing the abortion, and having a miscarriage was my punishment. I was angry at myself and I channeled a lot of that anger at Colton."
Jace didn't miss a beat and squeezed my hand, a reassurance that he was there. "He left, you had every right to be mad."
I shook my head, "Maybe at first. But I think I see his side of it now. We're kids, we had no business starting a family together. One day I'll face him and not feel guilt and sadness. Just, not today. I still have a lot to work on."
"Is that why you're going to Safe Haven?" He asked.
I nodded. "I've been lying for so long, that I don't know who I am without all my secrets. I'm working through Colton, my dad, the miscarriage, and everything I did to you, Stella, and my family. It's a lot, but I really want to try this time."
"How long will you be gone?"
"The program is three months. I'll be back by spring to finish up our senior year, so until then I'm gonna be enrolled at the school Safe Haven offers. " I let out a deep breath, and knew I had a long way to go.
Jace took a deep breath and moved his hand away from mine. "My family decided we needed grief counseling. All of us."
"I shouldn't have said that about Robin. Grief is different for everyone Jace, I didn't mean to-"
"No," Jace shook his head. "you were right. I wasn't dealing with it, and I never wanted to think about her. I'm the one who brought up grief counseling. My parents said they're glad I brought it up because they were getting worried about me."
I thought about Robin, and how she was always with Jace. A constant reminder of life given up so young. I thought about my dad, and how life could go so wrong. I thought about everyone I had ever come across, and how they deal with loss.
We all grieve differently, we all experience this one life in a million ways. I had to hold on to that fact, or else I'd go mad. Jace needed to know that, or else he'd go on to blame himself for the rest of his life.
"I'm proud of you." I said boldly staring into those eyes that held storms. They were, for the first time, at peace.
"Hero Syndrome," He said out of nowhere.
"What?" I furrowed my brows.
"I was researching grief and what it looked like. I didn't want to believe you, so I tried to prove you wrong." He dipped his head down, "I came across a term, Hero Syndrome, it's when someone tries to be a hero and will do whatever it takes to be one.
It's pretty morbid, really. These people will cause someone pain, just so they can swoop in and save the day. I read that people who can't handle grief sometimes develop hero syndrome. I think I sort of formed it with you. I wanted to save you to make myself feel better about what happened to Robin. I didn't save my little sister, and I should have. So I turned to you, tried to save you to make up for what I hadn't done."
"But you couldn't save Robin more than Max could've saved me. Like we couldn't save our dad. Robin did what she wanted to do. She could have asked for help, she could have talked to someone, but she didn't. When people do that, they've already made up their mind. All we can do is keep being there and hope that one day they look up and realize they're not alone. Sometimes it works, other times...it doesn't." I explained, moving my hands up to his face so that he could see me. "All we can do is be there for each other, and only be our own heroes."
Jace's eyes teared up and he meekly nodded. "God, you're good at this."
"Good at what?" I choked out a laugh because I was starting to cry too.
"Good at talking me down from the ledge." He smiled teary eyes.
I laughed at the irony of our situation, and Jace joined too. We sat in that car for a long time crying and laughing. It was one of those moments I would file away for the hazy dark days I was sure I would have.
Jace looked at me, and I remembered our first day. His hand brushed across mine and we both picked up my book. How his eyes reminded me of storms, and his smile was the sunshine on the horizon.
"Jace?" I said, my heart pounding fast.
Jace half turned to me, a thoughtful expression graces across his face. "Yeah?"
I leaned closer, until I could feel his breath across my lips. I looked up at him, and touched his cheek. His eyes closed, and his breath faltered.
Then carefully, I kissed him once. It was barely there, just a hesitant brush. Jace moved my head closer and kissed me back.
I realized a long time ago, that I was never going to fully understand why things happened. Why they sun came up, why stars died, and why some people were more broken than others. But I knew the moment Jace kissed me back, why people could fall in love again after heartbreak.
It didn't matter that this one person could make or break me. Because I had the power to break him too. I trusted him, that's what made it okay to be broken. I trusted Jace with every piece of my battered heart and he trusted me with his.
This kiss sealed it. My mouth parted and Jace touched my jaw, angeling it so he could deepen the kiss. I gasp, against his lips and his tongue slides against mine, pulling me in and out like ocean waves.
I love him
I love him
I love him
My heart beat wildly against my chest, and I reached up to pull his hand against it. He smiled, and moved his lips to the side of my mouth, my cheeks, my forehead, the tip of my nose, and back to my lips.
Then he pulled away and moved both of our hands to his own chest. It beat in sync with mine, fast-fast-slow-fast-fast-slow. "This is yours. It'll always be yours, and I'll wait for as long as possible until you're ready to share yours with me." He swore, his eyes searched mine.
I laughed, and quickly pecked his lips. "God Jace, you're so cheesy."
He cracked a smile and shrugged shamelessly. "Do you always ruin the moment?"
"It's one of my many talents." I retorted with a stern face, but I couldn't keep the act up. My face cracked and I began to laugh. "So are we okay?"
Jace shook his head and let out an airy laugh of his own. "We just bared our souls, and made out. What do you think?"
I blushed, and thought about his lips kissing my face all over again. "Fair point."
He leaned over and pulled me closer with one arm. My hands reached up and I raked my fingers through his hair, and his eyes closed for just a moment before they stared down on me. "We can make this work. We'll go slowly, but I want this...I want you." He said, determination filled his beautiful stormy eyes. They weren't saying, I'll save you. They were saying, I'll walk beside you as we strengthen ourselves. I will be your partner, not your hero because I have to save myself too. And I knew that I wanted him to be my partner too.
"I do too." I whispered. We kissed once more and this time when I pulled back I asked what I had been wondering all week. "Not to be that girl, but what's up with you and Blair?"
Jace furrowed his brows and looked almost pleased. "Jealous already?" He joked.
"Should I be?" I challenged him. He smirked then shook his head.
"I've been friendly towards her, so she would stop picking on you. I'm not proud of it, but I knew she liked me. She had backed off for a while, but Stella told me about her grabbing you at school." He said, biting his lip nervously. "I told her that I wasn't interested in her like that. She was understandably pissed."
"Led Zeppelin boy..." I mumbled softly, I didn't know whether I wanted to kiss him or yell at him for trying to protect me. "I can handle Blair."
Jace rolled his eyes, as if he knew I wasn't going to completely jump his bones for his chivalry. "You shouldn't have to handle people like her. We're not in elementary school, you shouldn't be a jackass past the age of seven."
"You encountered seven year old jackasses?"
"Kids are ruthless." He shuddered. "Nothing happened with Blair. I was too hung up on you to even think about other girls."
"See, when you say stuff like that it makes it really hard to be mad at you." I smiled, amused. Jace fluttered his eyes innocently, and it feels like it should. "I love you Led Zeppelin boy."
Jace's face fixes itself, and he straightens up. "Finally," He muttered, leaning in closer. So close I could feel his lashes tickle my face. "I love you."
Someone once said life was fragile, and we're not all guaranteed tomorrow's. That might be true, but I'm sure as hell gonna try.
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a u t h o r ' s
n o t e
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I want to thank all of you for reading and supporting not only Phoenix's journey, my mine as well. This story will be my pride and joy.
This story is the hardest to tell, but it's also my truth. The romantic angle was great, but the real story was the motions of mental illness and maintaing our mental health. I found comfort in knowing that this story resonated with so many of you.
Please know that I love you, and that you are loved. And remember, you are never alone in this world. Thank you for joining me, and this is our end...until I find a new story worth sharing.
-Rhea
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H O T
L I N E S
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Here I provided hotlines, for you guys. These were just some I found. If you haven't found one for your Country/Territory
please inform me so that I may add onto this.
US Helplines
Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline:1-800-784-8433
LifeLine:1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project:1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support:1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline:1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault:1-800-656-4673
Grief Support:1-650-321-5272
Runaway:1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale:After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
Child Abuse:1-800-422-4453
UK Helplines
Samaritans (for any problem):08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org
Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem):08001111
Mind infoline (mental health information):0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk
Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice):0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk
b-eat eating disorder support:0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk
b-eat youthline (for under 25's with eating disorders):08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)
Cruse Bereavement Care:08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk
Frank (information and advice on drugs):0800776600
Drinkline:0800 9178282
Rape Crisis England & Wales:0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk
Rape Crisis Scotland:08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight
India Helplines
India Self Harm Hotline:00 08001006614
India Suicide Helpline:022-27546669
Canada Helpline
Kids Help Phone (Canada):1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7
Suicide Helplines By Country
Argentina:54-0223-493-0430
Australia:13-11-14
Austria:01-713-3374
Barbados:429-9999
Belgium:106
Botswana:391-1270
Brazil:21-233-9191
China:852-2382-0000
(Hong Kong:2389-2222)
Costa Rica:606-253-5439
Croatia:01-4833-888
Cyprus:357-77-77-72-67
Czech Republic:222-580-697, 476-701-908
Denmark:70-201-201
Egypt:762-1602
Estonia:6-558-088
Finland:040-5032199
France:01-45-39-4000
Germany:0800-181-0721
Greece:1018
Guatemala:502-234-1239
Holland:0900-0767
Honduras:504-237-3623
Hungary:06-80-820-111
Iceland:44-0-8457-90-90-90
Israel:09-8892333
Italy:06-705-4444
Japan:3-5286-9090
Latvia:6722-2922, 2772-2292
Malaysia:03-756-8144
(Singapore:1-800-221-4444)
Mexico:525-510-2550
Netherlands:0900-0767
New Zealand:4-473-9739
New Guinea:675-326-0011
Nicaragua:505-268-6171
Nigeria: 234 806 210 6493
Norway:47-815-33-300
Philippines:02-896-9191
Poland:52-70-000
Portugal:239-72-10-10
Russia:8-20-222-82-10
Spain:91-459-00-50
South Africa:0861-322-322
South Korea:2-715-8600
Sweden:031-711-2400
Switzerland:143
Taiwan:0800-788-995
Thailand:02-249-9977
Trinidad and Tobago:868-645-2800
Ukraine:0487-327715