I woke and checked my cell, AGAIN- it had been three days without a word from him. Three Days of constantly checking my phone. A new message from Kate alerted me to their surprise trip to Hilton Head Island.
"Hey" I said curiously.
"Hey you, pack up for the beach, we are all going, my family and his!" she squeaked excitedly.
I sigh internally.
I love my best friends, but I'm not really in the mood to be a third wheel right now. I look and feel like Hell, complete Hell. I am a hot mess, I know I am. The confidence I had about my life and my feelings, just 3 days ago has completely vanished!
I really truly just want to crawl under a rock. I've been running, reading, listening to music, sleeping a lot and avoiding Gram, Lane and Kate. I don't want to disappoint them, but I just can't seem to hold it together. That damn dream is driving me crazy. Over and over again, like a broken record. If I don't talk to anyone, then I don't have to put all my crazy into words, why can't they understand that?
I sigh aloud.
"We are not taking no for an answer, you need some fun... Please... PLEASE come with us... it wouldn't be the same without you?" she questions, but somehow sweetly demands at the same time.
"Alright, I'll get ready and pack, I guess." I answer flatly. Just honestly not feeling up to par after the stress of the last few weeks, plus, the complete disappointment of not hearing from him again. I had been spending time alone, which I needed, while trying very hard not to sink back down to the pit of depression I've been in since December.
Of course, it wasn't working, I couldn't help but feel sad and let down- AGAIN!
I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but can't I just avoid anything that might disappoint me? Its my life, right?
I'll be a hermit, study online and keep in touch via text and email? If I stay away from life, it can't hurt Mr, right?
I sigh aloud.
"I know you will feel better around us, just give it a chance okay?" she asked concerned.
"Okay, I'll be over when I'm done!" I answered trying to sound happy.
Which apparently didn't work, she saw right through it.
"Just try? I know...." she started concerned, but I interrupted. "I'm fine... I'll be there soon."
I said flatly, trying not to cry. Hanging up the phone, I knew to give in. I know Kate, I know she won't let me give up. Her, Lane and Gram won't ever let me give up, even if I'm truly only holding on by a thread.
I was laying on my bed, my head on my forearms out in front of me, with tears streaming, I must of fallen asleep.
"Carly?" Kate tried to wake me.
"Hmmmm?" I answered softly
"Talk to me.... stop avoiding me.... please?" she asked softly, caressing my hair.
"I just...... I thought he was different...I wanted him to be different Kate... I needed him to be different, but... I guess he's not..."I answered softly, letting the tears fall. She hugged me so hard and just let me cry. "I just wanted to be normal, to fell something normal, to feel at all, I'm just so tired of feeling like this... I don't think I'll be much company... y'all should just go and..." I finally stopped crying.
"Not a chance, lets get you ready while I throw your stuff in some bags!" she interrupted matter-of-factly!
I gave her a small smile as I headed for the shower to compose myself.
I got ready quickly, knowing it really didn't matter how I looked. Because, truthfully I didn't care.
Entering my room, I smiled at my best friend. my bags were ready and my room tidied up.
"You're a great bestie Kate, thank you for being you!" I said softly hugging her.
"It's easy being your bestie," she replied happily.
Later on the plane I was dozing off looking out the window under a blanket.
"Carly?" I was shaken awake to Lane with his eyebrows furrowed. "You okay? You were a... a... You were crying in your sleep Carly" he spoke softly, concerned.
"I'm okay...bad dream I guess?" I answered turning the other way and closing my eyes to go back to sleep. It was a bad dream, it was my parents and Charly walking away from me and as much as I don't want to admit it, he was walking away from me, too.
Dylan had stood facing me, holding my hands in his, slowly he kissed each hand, said goodbye looking down at me and turned away, walking at first... then running away from me, as fast as he could.
I felt hollow, I felt cold and I felt alone.
Why is this affecting me so much?
Why can't I just get over it already?
Its not like I love him or anything?
Wait... Do I love him?
Had I fallen in one night?
Well, shit!
Finally... But, apparently I'm not good enough for him.
I should have know better.
Damaged people don't get a Happily Ever After.
At least I know what it feels like now.
I was suddenly pulled out of my thoughts. "Hey... Carly... are you okay? You're crying..." Kate whispered. I could see them both watching me out of the corner of my eyes. "Bad dream I guess, sorry" I answered giving them a small smile, while not meeting their eyes. They both looked worried and I saw Lane put his head back against the seat, then he pulled out his phone that buzzed with a new text message.
I drifted back to sleep noticing them watching me.
Two days of shopping, dining and sun. I was wore out. They had both tried to get me to talk about it, but I was I trying very hard not to ruin their trip or mine.
I was determined to have a good trip and we were having fun, but when I was alone, that's a different story.
After a day at the spa with Kate and the mothers I was pampered and completely relaxed. Napping in the cabana by the pool, I awoke to a note from my best friends telling me they were out on the town. I smiled, thankful they took my advice.
It was early evening, I got into my suit and sarong and headed down to the Beach with what I needed for a picnic dinner at sunset.
I spread out the blanket and laid across it. I was looking through pictures of the last few weeks on my phone when I came to his face plastered against mine on Graduation night. I took a deep breath, sat my phone down and poured a glass of wine, yes wine.
My first glass ever, and I was all alone, with a beautiful view. Some would find it sad, not me, I found it somewhat poetic.
I toasted my parents and Charly, the close of high school and starting college. I sighed, and poured another, watching the sunset spread across the waves.
Awhile later, the bottle was empty and I was enjoying the waves and stars and my phone buzzed. Really? He wants to talk now? Why?
How mad at me are you?
I'm not
How upset with me are you?
I'm not
Please don't lie to me
I'm not-I'm fine-You don't owe me anything-I should go
If you're not mad or upset with me then why should you go?
Because
Because why?
Why are you lying to me?
I know you're not fine, Lane told me-
I need to explain myself-
Please Carly, talk to me?
"Just let me be...please" I whispered broken into the breeze, throwing my phone across the sand.
Tears falling and hands shaking, I could still here it buzzing.
And then ringing.
And then buzzing.
I quickly got up and dizzily I staggered to the far end of the private beach to a long pier.
I sat at the end, kicking my feet over the edge and leaning my head on the railing.
Confused
Angry
Sad
And now sick from the crying and sicker from the wine....
I pulled my legs up against my chest and curled my arms around my legs.
I stayed there for a long time.
Until I wasn't sick.
I wasn't crying.
I wasn't even angry anymore, just tired.
I was really, really tired.
About the time I got up and turned around to head back, I saw Lane and Kate running towards me. They were clearly upset.
"You okay?" Lane asked softly.
"I'm okay, although I really don't care to drink again!" I answered softly, shaking my head. "Why would you do that by yourself Carly?" Lane asked angered.
"Lesson learned Lane, no big travesty here.... okay?" I answered and asked softly.
We all three headed down to where I had been on the beach and gathered my things.
Kate handed me my cell in a hug, a tight one. "Wait... How did y'all know where I was... and that I was upset?" I question them confused.
"Dylan called me worried about you when you kept not responding, especially after he called the house and knew you'd left with wine and not made it back," Lane answered with his face scrunched up like he really didn't wanna answer that.
I just sat down in the sand, closing my eyes, I sighed.
As I opened and unlocked my phone I saw 17 missed calls and 25 texts.
As I read them a few tears fell
Carly?
Carly?
Please, talk to me!
Please, don't ignore me?
I can't stand this,
I'm calling the house please answer
Shit, wine Carly?
You are really worrying me!
I didn't mean to do this-
I miss you
I never should have left you
If you are seeing these, please respond.
Talk to me please
Dammit Carly are you okay
I'm calling Lane
God I hope you are okay
I'm coming
I'm on my way
Even if you won't see me
I have to know you are okay
Please be okay
I'm getting on the plane
In a taxi
I'm here, where are you
Please be okay
I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands. "He's coming?" I questioned in a whisper.
"He's already here" Lane answered softly.
"Carly?" he called out to me and my breath caught in my throat. Lane and Kate were sitting in front of me, but staring behind me. SHIT, I thought, I most certainly am not up to this right now. All this time, I just wanted him with me and ironically, now that he's here- I just want to hide. Curl up in a ball under the sand and just sleep. Not think, or feel or cry, just lose myself in sleep.
"I'm fine. I just want to be alone." I said low, flatly, not looking up. My knees were up to my chest, my arms wrapped around them and my head on my knees.
I sighed, insisting softly, "Please?"
After looking up to Kate, she knowingly pulled Lane up and went to Dylan.
I could faintly hear her begging them to just give me some space. They agreed, but didn't sound happy about it.
I had been watching the waves for a long time when felt a hand pull me up and into a strange body. I tensed and looked up to a strange, scary, unkept and obviously drunken man.
"Well...look what I've found, we are gonna have some fun? Aren't we?" He slurred. I could smell the alcohol and no matter how hard I fought, I couldn't break free. He just kept smiling at me and I wanted to throw up. "No" I tried to yell as he covered my mouth and started dragging me down the beach. I was struggling, but I wasn't strong enough. He stopped under the pier. He pinned me to it using his weight to hold me up and held both of my hands over my head with one of his. I was squirming and trying to scream, his other hand held a shiny blade and trailed it over my breast and up my leg under my sarong. I was shaking and kept trying to scream but he slapped me hard enough to knock my head against the wood. " Shut up or I'll cut your pretty little face up first!" he slurred as he pressed the blade slightly into the side of my neck, piercing it. I could feel the blood ooze down between my breast. I was trembling, everything was fuzzy with black spots, another slap slammed my head back against the wood even harder.
Faintly I heard approaching footsteps in the sand and screaming. I felt myself being picked up and strong safe arms holding me to a familiar chest. "I'm never letting you go again...I cant keep fighting this, I'm so sorry" Dylan whispers, handing me down to Kate. She pulls me up in her lap and to her chest, rocking back and forth. "It's okay now... it's okay... your okay..." she whispered holding my trembling body tightly. I faintly hear screaming as she holds me tightly.
And then there's just blackness.