Each time I went to the movies with my mother, she would always make me smile with her predictable nature. Every time she would bring a big purse and fill it with candy and chips from home. Sometimes she would pay for a drink but she didn't always like to, she said the prices were ridiculous and what we buy at the store is just as good, but cheaper.
I don't know if it was just because my family was never really flush with money, but I liked it. She would always bring too much and we'd just finish it during the next couple of days.
The first time I was allowed to go to the mall on my own was when I was ten, almost eleven. I was given fifteen dollars to spend with strict orders to come back with at least some change. I only spent four of it. I couldn't see anything I liked, I just bought lunch.
My mother spent a long time warning me not to talk to strangers, hold my bag tight, stay close to Nayeon, call when I was ready to come home. It was a new experience, one I wasn't sure if I liked. I didn't dislike it as such, but I wasn't sure it lived up to the hype. It was just the mall, who cares who you were with?
It was at least a year before I actually looked forward to going to the mall with friends instead of family, but that didn't last very long, either. I think it was just because everybody else my age was supposed to be embarrassed about being seen with their parents shopping. I stopped pretending pretty quickly.
The only embarrassed phase I went through concerning my parents was watching love scenes in a movie. I wanted to couch to swallow me whole. I was always convinced my parents were looking at me. I don't recall what movie it was, but during one love scene I had to comment on. It was ridiculous even from my opinion, the then virgin. I blurted out: "This looks like a bad porno." It wasn't pretty. A life scarring conversation took place with my parents and I. I don't think I uttered a single coherent word, I was too embarrassed. I hadn't even seen a porno then, it was just a guess.
Eighteen months later I found out it was a good call. My first time having sex was nothing like that, and my first and only time watching a porno was exactly how I thought it would be. Cringe-worthy.
Jin had a collection of them in his room. I sometimes liked to snoop around when he was out of the house. I watched it on mute because I was scared I wouldn't hear when somebody was walking upstairs or I wouldn't hear the car engine outside.
I had to force my dinner down that day.
Jennie and I are at the park. I'm swinging lightly on the swing next to her, content to watch the air leave her lips in a small cloud. Content to watch her being alive. She's holding onto the chains of the swing with the ends of the sleeves on her coat, her hands hiding inside to keep warm.
There's nobody else around and I don't blame them. It's so close to Christmas that they're probably doing last minute shopping, or they're just sane enough to stay inside. It's almost midday and the thick, white frost is still covering the blades of grass.
The sky is dark grey in colour and heavy-looking. I think it's going to snow today. "Have you ever seen a porno?" I ask Jennie suddenly.
Her feet hit the floor hard, coming to an abrupt halt. "What?" she asks, shocked.
"I was just wondering."
"I can't believe you, Kim Jisoo, just asked me if I've ever seen a porno."
I carry on swinging. "Oh, whatever." I chuckle. "Just answer me."
"I've seen a porno, yeah." She laughs a second later. "You are so weird."
I laugh with her and lift my legs higher, swinging faster. I jump off mid-swing and land on my feet an impressive distance away. Jennie's face is a picture before she stops swinging again. "Show off," she states.
I smile brightly.
She picks up her purse from the floor next to her and puts it over her shoulder. "You need to, oh, how can I put this?" she asks dramatically.
I snap my fingers, the action telling her to hurry up.
"You need to stay away from me today."
I jut out my bottom lip jokingly. "Why?"
"Because."
"Because," I mock gently, walking in step with her to leave the park.
"I'm getting your Christmas gift today and I don't want you to see," she explains.
"Exciting," I drag the word out. "What is it?"
"You'll see in a couple of days."
"You're so mean to me. I hope you know that."
Her smile, though subtle, still catches my eye. "You won't think so when you see what it is."
I feel terrible. I can't buy Jennie anything because I don't have any money. I hope she will like my pathetic excuse of a gift tomorrow. I decided to give it her a day earlier because it's the perfect opportunity with everybody attending the Christmas party. I told her yesterday that I'd decided not to go. She begged, pouted, and then finally sulked.
The park is at the farthest part of town. It takes at least thirty five minutes to walk here, even when you're not walking particularly slow.
"Sit down," Jennie says, pointing to a bench.
"Lazy, thy name is Jennie."
She laughs and sits down also, her arm resting on the back of the bench. My neck is uncovered. It hurts. "Jennie, your hand."
I don't need to tell her twice. She removes it from behind my head instantly. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I nod my point, also.
Her eyes search mine for the truth, relenting when she knows I'm okay. "I like this." She points to herself and then me. "I like walking with you when it's cold. It actually feels like Christmas this year. When I was little, I used to wish for a white Christmas every year with my birthday wish."
"I like this, too." I look up toward the sky. "I think it's going to snow tonight, maybe tomorrow morning." When I look back down Jennie is just gazing at me in the way that makes me feel too warm wearing this thin t-shirt in this twenty-six degree weather. "What?" I ask with a small shrug and a slight turn of my head, feeling shy.
"Nothing," she replies softly.
"Don't be gone too long today," is all I say.
I don't know where Jennie's parents are this afternoon. They already started their work Christmas vacation, so perhaps they're shopping or out to lunch. My family always used to have lunch at a restaurant a few days prior to Christmas. They were good memories.
I watched the TV for a while, I did the dishes Jennie was supposed to do, I listened to music. I did everything I could think of until I decided to just wait in the bedroom. I loved Jennie's bed, I was even used to her pillows.
It's getting dark, so I lean over and switch the beside light on. When I move back I accidentally catch the scent of Jennie on her pillow and can't help breathing it in. It's comforting how somebody's scent can make you feel, how it can make you close your eyes and wrap around you like a warmth you didn't know you were missing.
"Jisoo!" I hear a voice yell from downstairs. It's Jennie.
"Up here!" I shout back and smile when I hear her shoes connecting with the floor in the hallway.
"Your eyes better be closed, got it?" I hear her say as she ascends the stairs.
I close them. "Got it."
"I mean it, Jisoo. If I see that they're open when I get in there, you're so -"
"Dead?" I offer.
"Original." She pauses. "And, yes."
I shake my head at her, aware that I'm smiling faintly. "They're closed."
I hear the door open and I assume Jennie peeks in to see if I'm being truthful. "Keep them closed," she orders lightly.
"Uh huh."
"I mean it. It isn't wrapped yet," she explains, sounding somewhat frustrated. "I don't know where to keep it, you'll see it everywhere."
"Put it underneath the bed. If I look, then I give you permission to do something bad to me."
"Now who's being dirty?" Jennie questions before she moves around a little and I hear my gift slide underneath the bed.
I pretend I didn't hear her question.
Tonight is the party. Jennie has been begging me all day to stop being stubborn and just go with her, but I won't give in. I can't. "You know you're going to say yes at the last minute," she tells me with conviction.
"I have things to do tonight and attending a party is not one of them."
"You'll miss me," she says almost warningly.
She's right, I probably will. "The time apart will do us good."
"Says who?" she scoffs.
"Says me."
Jennie frowns and a few moments later, hits her hand off the mattress. "Jisoo! Stop being so stubborn. It's Christmas Eve, I'll be bored if you don't come with me. These parties take, like, five hours. At least."
"I'll be here when you get back," I remind her.
She tells me to leave the room and I nearly apologise for upsetting her until she tells me she's going to change. Instead of trying to see through walls, I make my way downstairs to give her the privacy she asked for. Her parents look very nice, I have to say. The only let down being that their perfume and cologne follow them around the house. They've both put far too much on.
They're both in the kitchen writing on something. A card, no doubt.
A little later the stairs creak and I turn my head to the left just in time to see Jennie come to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. Her hair is straight and she's wearing a full length white evening gown. Her parents have entered the room, but I can't stop staring. I think my mouth is open. I don't think I've ever seen her look more beautiful, she looks like she's glowing.
"How do I look?" Jennie asks, looking directly at me with eyes that threaten to paralyse me.
"You look lovely, Jennie," her father replies.
I still can't speak and her eyes are still glued to mine.
"We're going to miss a good parking spot if we don't leave now," Her mother announces. Not even mentioning how her daughter looks.
"I'll be there in a second, I just have to get my purse," Jennie explains, pointing toward the kitchen.
I hear one of them tell her to hurry up but I'm not positive who it was. "You look..." I trail off, shaking my head. I don't know what words to use. I don't know if they'd do her justice.
She messes with her hair self consciously. "Yeah, well, it's Christmas. You have to make an effort at this time of year, right?"
"Amazing, beautiful, captivating, stunning, I could go on," I finally say, regaining a tiny bit of self-confidence.
Jennie rolls her eyes playfully. "You're just trying to butter me up because you won't keep me company tonight."
I smile, shaking my head. "No, you look incredible. Really."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
When a car horn sounds, Jennie tears her eyes away from me to grab her purse from the kitchen counter, joining me again moments later. "I'll see you later?"
"You will," I confirm.
"You promise?"
"I promise."
Jennie nods just barely. "My phone is on me," she gestures to her purse.
My head nods. "I'll call if we're being robbed."
I think I faintly hear the car horn sound again, but it's difficult to tell when she won't look away from me.
"I'll see you later," she repeats.
I nod and she walks to the door, smiling at me before she pulls the door shut.
When I'm certain enough time has passed for them to potentially come back to the house for having forgotten something, I make my way upstairs and into Jennie's room. I look to the boxes that have been stacked up in the corner of the room for far too long and I unpack them, I make this room hers. I accept that this house doesn't belong to me anymore.
Jennie really didn't have a lot to unpack. It only took a little over an hour to get it all finished. I think it's because she's been using a lot of her things as she needs them. I stop to take a look at the room and smile. It looks much better with everything unpacked, it looks like a proper bedroom. It looks like her bedroom.
The door to her room is pulled shut and I walk to Jin's old bedroom they're using as storage. I hurry, not wanting to be in here for too long. It's still too weird. I won't be able to carry all of this, so I place things in the hallway ready to take downstairs.
I slide their fake Christmas tree down the stairs in its box because it's too heavy for me to carry and wince when it hits the wall forcefully. I can't believe there are people who don't put decorations up at Christmas. Aside from the presents and dinner, it's the main attraction.
Excluding the time when it nearly fell on top of me, the tree was relatively easy to set up. I smile when I see a bauble with Jennie's name on it. It's old, green, and has untidy red glitter writing on it. She must have done it at school when she was little.
I nearly curse when I plug the lights in to see if they work and see only three shining back at me. I check the boxes again, spotting two different sets, and with a quick testing to one of them, I'm filled with relief when most of them work. I used to love testing the tree lights. I'd always make sure it was dark outside before we put our tree up, and then switch the room's main light off before I tested them. They look so pretty when they're all you can see.
More time than I had originally wanted has passed since I began setting the tree up, but it looks great in the corner of the room. It makes the room look homey. I exit the room with three empty boxes and switch the main light off, leaving the room to glow from the tree-lights. I quickly throw the empty boxes into the room they use for storage and walk back into Jennie's room with a box of lights.
When I'm finished, I wait. I wait so long I think I'm starting to go crazy. The clock tells me that only five hours and twenty minutes have passed since I last saw her but I would swear that it's been longer.
As soon as I hear the familiar hum of their car, I smile. I leave Jennie's door wide open, positive she will be up here before her parents. Three doors open and close respectively and I hear the key being pushed into the lock of the front door.
"Oh my god," I hear her parents say seconds later, almost in unison as they walk through the door. "Who did this?"
I listen for the voice I want to hear.
"Jennie, are you okay?" her father asks.
I wait for her response but she doesn't deliver one.
"Jennie," he repeats.
All I hear is somebody running upstairs. I know those footsteps. I don't smile when I see her awed face because I can't believe how much the white Christmas lights hanging on her wall are making her eyes sparkle and her skin glow. She's breathing faster than usual but I don't know if it's because of her running. Jennie's eyes are looking around the room, around her room. "Jisoo," she says quietly.
"Do you like it?" I ask carefully.
"You have no idea what this means to me."
She steps forward a little and I kneel up on the bed. I can't remember if I was going to say anything. I forget a lot of things when she looks at me how she's currently looking at me. My eyes close and I take an instinctive deep breath before standing. Her eyes are truly sparkling from those lights. "Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?" I ask her, not being able to take my eyes off her.
Jennie smiles faintly but sincerely. "You told me earlier. I said, 'thank you'."
I smile with her, barely hearing the words leaving her lips.
"God, I don't even know what to say to you," she continues.
I take another deep breath. "This can only happen once, okay?" I speak softly.
She looks confused. "What?"
I step into her personal space, ignoring the instinctive urge to stumble back. Jennie does it for me. "What are you doing? You're going to hurt yourself."
"Stay still," I almost demand. Her breaths increase noticeably when I step forward once again. I'm so close to her that I can smell her perfume. My arms wrap around her uncovered neck and pull her against body against my own. I hear us both quietly gasp. I think it's for two different reasons. I feel like I'm dying again with the pain, but how could I be when all I feel in her arms is alive?
I don't tell her the tears already on my face are mostly from the pain, and I don't tell her the other reason is because I can feel her heart; I can feel it pounding. Her arms lock around my waist and I can feel her shaking.
My eyes remain closed tightly. So much so that I can see a flash of white. I'm struggling not to tremble and decide to just concentrate on her heart and how her body feels against my own, how her perfect hands feel as they attempt to pull me closer.
I have to let go soon, or I know I won't be able to muffle my scream.
Her head rests on my shoulder and I hear her breathe in my scent. "Jisoo," she whispers a few moments later.
I can only whisper, too. "Yeah?"
Her heart-rate picks up noticeably. "Will you kiss me?"
I close my eyes at her request, more moisture sliding down my face.
"Please, just once."
I pull back and look at her. I've never seen her look like this. She's been crying, too. With my fingers, I wipe away her tears and brush some of her hair back behind her ear, keeping my hand there and moving the other to rest on her neck.
Blatantly ignoring how my body is beginning to tense up in agony, I give her time to take back her request, something that doesn't happen.
Her eyes drift shut when I begin to lean in. I look at her standing here with her eyes closed holding me and looking beautiful, and I can't believe she has just asked me to kiss her. My lips press against hers softly, gently adding the briefest pressure and suction on her bottom lip before slowly pulling away.
When I open my eyes hers are still closed. I carefully rub my thumb across her lips to seal my kiss and step back, not being able to stand it anymore.
As soon as I do I feel as though my bones are breaking and my skin is on fire. It's almost like when you leave your hand under the hot water for too long and you pull away when you can't handle it anymore, for a split second there's relief but then some how it gets hotter. I can't help the pain filled whimper that escape my lips.
Jennie isn't stupid. She knows how much that hurt me, to touch her, to finally hold her and have to let go. When she opens her eyes they're lidded and dark. I don't need a mirror to know that mine are, too. Through the pain, I still felt her, I still held her, and I still kissed her. I still felt alive for the first time in a year.
Jennie is slightly out of breath. "Are you all right? Did I hurt you?"
My lips are on fire and I blink back my tears. "Let's go to bed, we can talk tomorrow."
She shakes her head, disagreeing with me. "I won't sleep unless I know you're okay."
"I'll be okay." I gesture to the hallway. "I'll wait out there so you can get changed," I say before moving toward the door. I close it behind me before slumping against it and bringing my fingers to trace across my lips.
This time when we lie in bed I don't blush when her eyes linger on my lips. I just wish for them back on my own. She still looks beautiful from the glow of the lights. "You really do look like an angel tonight," are the last words she tells me before falling asleep moments later.
I look at her lips and smile. Those lips kissed me back, just for a second.
It was all I needed.