-Saturday-
The Welphelts wrestle with traffic on the Ventura freeway. Even on the weekend, it's gridlocked.
"Why does anyone live in the Valley?" Riley wonders. Missy pipes up from the rear seat.
"The average price of a home in Encino is $394 per square foot. In your neighborhood, it's $763."
"Really?" Paige is surprised at those numbers.
"That's what the internet says."
It takes longer than the GPS predicted, but they are not late to the point of impolite when Riley pulls the car into the valet line in front of Jerry's McMansion. The Welphelts follow the pedestrian flow through the house out to the backyard, where they discover they are, yet again, over-dressed for the occasion. Khaki rules the day.
Given the amount of child activity, it's a relatively sedate affair. Nannies mind the kids in the pool. Hired servants work the barbeque at peak capacity. No one goes without food or drink. Paige and Riley are nervous being this far out of their comfort zone as they guide backpack-wielding Missy into the fray. Hal and Mary have spotted them and rush to their side.
"Not so bad, right?" Hal says.
"Define 'bad,'" Paige challenges. Mary takes one look at Missy and gushes.
"You must be Missy. I've heard so much about you."
"Very nice to meet you, ma'am." Missy impresses Mary. As does her bathing suit.
"That suit is adorable," she says to Paige and whispers, "Is that Dior?"
"I couldn't resist," Paige says through a proud but clenched smile. Jerry makes a booming entrance commensurate for a man running a television network.
"Welphelts! Welcome!" Riley extends his hand.
"Thanks for inviting us, Jerry."
"We're all one big family," Jerry says, "and I can't wait to meet the newest member." He bends down to Missy's eye level. "Hello there, young lady. My name is Jerry. Welcome to my house."
"My name is Missy. You have a very lovely home, Jerry. Thank you for inviting me... I mean, thank you for inviting everyone." Jerry can't contain his joy.
"Would you like to go swimming?"
"That sounds delightful." She turns to Riley and asks, "May I?" Riley nods. Jerry offers Missy his hand.
"Let's take you to the pool. I'll introduce you to my son." He turns to Paige and Riley, beaming. "You two. We're going to talk later."
As Jerry and Missy walk away, Mary says, "You hit the jackpot with that one."
"Did you see Jerry fawning over her," Hal says. "Man, Connery could stand some of Missy's charm." Ya think? Paige and Riley are off to a great start but across the yard, Laura scowls at Paige.
After everyone has been fed and pooled, the children explore the backyard and the adults gather in the living room for conversation in a calm environment. Jerry wants to know what Paige and Riley have planned for their immediate future. Paige describes their home life and adjusting to having Missy. Jerry cuts her short and explains that he's talking about work. What do they have lined up?
"We've got a few offers," Riley lies. "But we're waiting for the right thing to come along." Jerry nods his head. He's obviously got something brewing.
"Let me run something by you," he says.
Meanwhile, in a secluded part of the yard, out of adult earshot, Jona, Connery, and a handful of kids from the clique surround Missy. Like back-alley gamblers, they lay down a gauntlet of the latest top-line phones. 'Take that, Missy,' their actions say. Missy sees their bet and, in an 'Oh, yeah' move, raises the stakes. She reaches into her backpack and produces Riley's vape kit. This doesn't generate much of a reaction until Missy opens the box and all bets are off as the other kids lean in for a closer look, their eyes wide.
Missy presents the vape pen for all to see, waving it in the air as her rapt audience's eyes follow her every move like puppies following a chew toy. She puts the pen to her lips and inhales. Nothing. The cartridge is empty.
"Hold on," Missy says and rifles through the box for another. None of them match the one with zero nicotine, so she chooses one labeled, "36mg" - The highest dose available.
Back inside, Jerry has offered Paige and Riley a job producing the show Hal mentioned.
"What do you think?" he throws to them.
"It's certainly in our wheelhouse," Paige says and looks to Riley for confirmation, though they'd jump at a gig sweeping floors.
"We could toss around some ideas," Riley offers with a brave face, "and come to your office, say, tomorrow?"
Then a loud commotion erupts from the yard—kids yelling, patio furniture upended. The adults spring into action and run outside where they run straight into pandemonium, as their children vomit on every available surface, including each other. The horror.
An hour later, after everyone has left, Jerry and Laura have put Jona to bed and now hose down as much debris as they can stomach. Tomorrow, they will call in a professional cleaning crew to finish the details. For now, Laura is fuming.
"There was to be no contact with that woman. Then you invite her into our home and look what happens!" Jerry channels some of what he learned in rehab.
"Laura, compassion is a big part of our journey. For god's sake, they took in that adorable little girl," he pleads. Laura's not buying it.
"I have plenty of compassion for an orphaned child," she says. "Not so much for a full-grown whore and her dufus husband."
Jerry wants to defend his actions further but keeps his mouth shut and washes more vomit from the patio.
In the Welphelt's house, Missy sits still on the couch while Paige and Riley pace in front of her. Paige waves the vape pen at Riley.
"Where does an eleven-year-old get her hands one of these?" Riley snatches the pen out of her hand.
"Instead of worrying about where she got this," he says, "maybe we should focus on why this happened." He turns to Missy. "Missy, why did you let your new friends try this very strong vape pen?" Missy will not let him throw her under the bus. She looks him dead in the eye.
"It didn't seem very strong last night." Lucky for Riley, Paige didn't pick up on the subtext of her comment. Missy heaves a sigh. "Am I grounded?"
"What are we going to do?" Paige asks Riley. The two of them get into a rapid-fire discussion, strategizing a plan for damage control. They throw ideas back and forth, ignoring Missy, now growing agitated at being ignored.
"I think I'm entering puberty," Missy blurts. That gets their attention.
"Oh, sweet Jesus, no," is the first thing to leave Riley's mouth.
"I'm the right age. Hormones could affect my behavior. That's what the internet says." Paige is skeptical.
"Don't believe everything you read online," she says. "Even if you are, you still can't behave like that."
"Especially around Jerry," Riley adds, tipping his hand.
"Is Jerry your boss?" Missy asks.
"Jerry is THE boss," Paige says. She doesn't know it yet, but she shouldn't have given up that piece of information. Missy doesn't even try to conceal what she's after.
"And if I don't behave you'll get fired?" she asks.
"Something like that," Riley says. Missy calculates for seven seconds.
"A hundred dollars a week," she says.
"A hundred dollars a week, what?" Paige wants to know.
"A hundred dollars a week, and I'll behave." Paige loses her shit.
"Are you fu... kidding me?" She is not.
"You're paying Mrs. Evans to have me live here," she says. "What's in it for me?"
"We will not be extorted," Paige asserts, though she's standing on thin ice.
"I'm feeling antisocial," Missy says. "Is that normal when estrogen flows?"
"Google it!" Paige bellows. The little brat has them over a barrel and she knows it. The worst part is they handed her the ammunition. Riley fishes a hundred-dollar bill out of his wallet. Paige tries to stop him.
"Riley, no." But Riley's eyes convince Paige there is no other way. He extends the cash toward Missy. Missy grabs the bill, but Riley holds firm to the other end.
"It starts now," he says then leans in and whispers, "And we will never, ever again mention this vape pen. Understood?" Missy nods. Riley lets go of the money and Missy wanders off to her room, leaving Paige and Riley alone. She knows they have things to discuss. Once inside her room, Missy locks the door, fetches Squiggle and rests him on the bed. She unzips a hidden zipper in Squiggle's belly. Squiggle is stuffed with cash. No wonder she allows no one to touch the toy. She stuffs her newly acquired hush money into Squiggle's belly and zips his belly closed.
***
Missy holds up her end of the bargain. Over the next few weeks, she is a perfect angel. Smarter than any of her classmates, she helps others with their schoolwork. She hands out red velvet gluten-free cupcakes on the playground. She gossips with girlfriends and smiles coquettishly at boys. Little by little, she inches toward becoming the most popular student at Buckler.
It's time for the Welphelts to capitalize on Missy's popularity and host a pool party. Riley scrapes together some cash to have the house cleaned up and put together a respectable affair with the requisite parking valet, lifeguard, and catering.
Paige and Riley put their own spin on the gathering. It's neither loud nor out-of-control. Everyone, including the kids, remains mellow. That's why it is so unexpected when Missy does a cannonball into the pool, splashing adults seated nearby. Paige witnesses this and turns to Riley.
"Are you going to say something?" Riley searches for the right words.
"Nice one!" He calls out to Missy, "Really special." Paige does not see it that way.
"You're useless," she groans and turns her attention to Missy. "Missy! You got everyone wet." Todd, the parent who took most of the soaking speaks up.
"It's all right, Paige. Just a little water."
"Thanks, Todd, but I've got this." She focuses her attention back to Missy. "Not everyone wants to get wet, OK? You need to respect that you are not the only person on the planet."
"You can't speak to a kid like that," Todd says. Paige is not in the mood.
"Are you ever going to be in a position to hire or fire me?"
"Doubtful."
"Then mind your business."
"Just trying to help," he says. "It's not like you're a real parent." He should not have said that. Something very primordial and deep inside Paige snaps.
"And what should I do to be a 'real' parent, Todd?" Todd had never before heard his name pronounced as an insult. "Should I indulge her every whim because I feel guilty for working sixteen-hour days and then pray she doesn't grow up to be a sociopath? Or should I tell her that everything she does is special, so she never learns the difference between mediocrity and excellence? I can see how well that's working out for all of you. So if you don't mind, I think I'll try to teach her to respect others, and how to develop a sense of self- esteem, instead of entitlement." She takes a breath before turning to the children.
"Sorry, kids. No trophies just for showing up today. That's life." Paige needs a moment and wanders off to the house to be alone. The kids look like they've been whipped. Connery, in the pool next to Missy, is the first to speak.
"Lucky you," he tells Missy.
Paige's outburst doesn't stall Missy's ascent to the top of the popularity heap. On the soccer field, she receives a standing cheer for an adroit goal. When she arrives at the next social function, all the kids hanging around Jona rush to Missy's side. Jona does not like this development one bit.
And as the weeks pass, Squiggle continues to put on weight. But it looks good on him.