an: don't hate me.
dedicated to my bestie boo @seayceetings who i love a lot. enjoy.
you might leave the universe for a single star.
because it shines the brightest.
but remember, my darling,
the universe has kept existing
while every star burns out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaycee
____
Everything was going well. Classes, her mental health, even her grades at school were starting to take a boost. She'd even gotten Sean to re-enroll at Hills High.
"Why don't you go to school?" She'd countered him as they sat opposite each other, sharing a vanilla shake at the dive, their new favorite haunt. He'd just complained about missing her at day classes while she dutifully went to her real classes, although she barely did more than sit at her desk and watch the clock, counting down the minutes until she could see him again.
"I learn from life, not books," he'd rolled his eyes. "Some of my guys do, some don't."
"You should," she pushed back, her confidence evergrowing."I think you'd be surprised at what there is to learn. And plus, you'd get to see me, like all the time."
"I don't know," he'd said, but she wasn't so sure he was as unconvinced as he looked.
She was right. Two days later, he'd re-enrolled.
She had his little SoCal gang to sit with now, since she felt like she could officially belong with him next to her, not needing introduction, his leather jacket fitting her back perfectly. It was a group of people that were all scarred by life at different points, by different things, and who were all respectful of each other's quiet suffering. She liked it. For one time in her life, outside of the dance floor, she felt like she fit in.
So, yes. Everything was going fine.
Until she and Sean did Overdose.
____________
Sean
___
"Okay everyone, circle up! Since this is a 16+ class, obviously we're looking at you guys to tell a story with a little more meaning," JoJo said. "This one is a tough one, but it's very important to Donovan and me that we get it out there. You never know, someone could be struggling right next to you with this very issue."
He wasn't sure if he imagined it, but her eyes seemed to linger and rest on Kaycee.
"This is about an abusive relationship," Donovan said, "Where there's too much of something, but the couple is addicted on each other. They can't break free of the cycle."
His heart sank. He didn't want to draw attention to her, as the rumors had circulated around Millennium by now, but still, she deserved the decency to at least try and fly under the radar.
"And I want this filmed," JoJo continued. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kaycee freeze. He knew her well enough to know she would never leave in the middle of something, especially not again, but he knew if she did, she might not ever come back again. This time, there would be no second chances.
"Alright guys," she clapped her hands, the noise snapping him out of his thoughts. "Partner up."
____________
Kaycee
___
"I know this won't be easy for you," he said in her ear as he caressed her, following Donovan's movements in the mirror, "But you just have to trust me."
"I do," she gritted her teeth, "You know that."
"Then let me touch you," he whispered heavily. "It's not real, for God's sake, Kaycee."
Fear flared up inside her. She'd never seen him like this. "I don't want to do this," she whimpered. "Sean, please stop."
"Fine." he broke his hands away from her and stormed off. She collapsed in relief. "We had sex, Kayc," he frowned. "I don't get why you're being like this."
"I wanted to do that," she pushed back. "I don't want to do this."
"So quit again." he scoffed. "See how long it takes you to backtrack."
"You don't mean that." Her heart dropped. He rolled his eyes, turning his back to her, trying to compose himself.
JoJo, sensing trouble in paradise, swooped in. "Looking good, love the tension here, guys, but next time let's put it into the dance rather than out here on the floor."
"I don't want to do this," Kaycee said flatly. "I'm done."
"Kaycee, honey, how about you just let go?" JoJo sighed, taking her hand and leading her out to the main floor. Before Kaycee could protest, she had clapped her hands and the other dancers had formed a circle. "Just pour all that into the dance. Sean's just looking out for you, honey. He doesn't want you to give up before you try it." She then turned to Sean. "Be patient, Sean. We knew this was a risk, giving you a duet, but can you please, try to work with her? She's been through a lot."
Kaycee heard him mutter under his breath something along the lines of "You think I don't know that?" but there he was, out on the floor with her, both of them standing, breathing heavy. "Alright, let's film!" JoJo called, and the lights dimmed.
She took a deep breath and tried to channel her inner soldier.
She knew it was there.
But in that moment, she felt so hollow that she couldn't imagine herself as anything but empty.
It was doomed from the start.
The music started and she numbly laid down, facing away from Sean, not even flinching when she felt him shift to look back to her, just trying to control her breathing.
Her movements were rushed, stumbling over one another as she wrestled with the story.
When opposites attract I overdose
There was Gabe, drunkenly stumbling towards her.
I took too much of your love
His beer breath.
I overdose
Slipping her sleeves down, long shirts, even in summer, and trying not to cry as she looked at the bruises.
Girl, your sex, is a drug
Gabe trying to wrestle her shirt over.
The sting on her face after he'd slapped her for saying no.
___
Then came their improv. Kaycee didn't know what to do. All she knew was that she wanted it to be over. Fear bubbled up inside her as Sean instantly caught her in his grasp, extending an arm towards her. Every movement of her body spun into overdrive as she fought to get out of his hold. "Sean, stop," she panted, under her breath as he went to lift her up. "Stop."
"We're doing good," he whispered. "Come on."
When she finally turned to look at him, as the music died down, tears glinted in her eyes.
It was no longer Sean she was staring at.
It was the boy she'd run from.
So she ran again.
"KAYCEE!" JoJo called, but she didn't turn around. "KAYCEE!"
____
one hour later
She took a deep breath, and pushed open the door to the house. It was unlocked. It always had been.
She needed to say she was sorry. She couldn't believe it was yet another person she'd left without a sorry.
This was all her fault. She'd messed what she had up.
You weren't happy with him, her brain warned, trying to convince her feet to turn around, but they kept going. She was so at war with herself that it wouldn't have mattered who tried to reach her. She was too far gone.
At least she wouldn't hurt Sean anymore.
Her feet shook as she made her way down the staircase into the basement, trembling. Two guys standing at the bottom, raised their eyebrows. "Uh, boss?" one asked, nervously.
Twenty pairs of eyes landed on her, and beer bottles slipped from hands.
Then his. He smirked at first, then got up, and slowly made his way over to her. She swallowed the lump forming in her throat and willed herself not to cry. He ran his hand over her chin, and smiled that evil smile that she'd once fallen in love with, and later learned to hate.
He was the reason she knew you could do both to a person, and at the same time.
"I knew you'd come back," Gabe said.
AN: whoa there. who saw that coming? bc not even me. not gonna lie, not even me.
but really, there is no positive message to this chapter, as much as that hurts to say, but this is something that happens.
the first time after the breakup, the first time after you walk away, you will hit a point where suddenly, that post breakup glow, the thrive everyone's been talking about, suddenly hits a wall, and you wonder if you were really better off without them anyway. and yes, you may still love them. but like kaycee says, it is so very possible to love someone and hate them at the same time. you might not ever fall out of love with someone, and that's ok, but you need to remember that when the hate surpasses the love, that's when it's time to go.
when your love for them takes away your love for you.
it's time to go.
i lost my voice to this boy, and being here with you guys has helped me bring it back. i am so thankful <3
looking at them and not saying "maybe they'll change" but "this is not what i want anymore."
do not make excuses for someone who has not only hurt you once, but repeatedly.
do not accept verbal apologies, anymore.
only changed behavior.
if someone hurts you repeatedly, especially after you tell them what's hurting you, and they say they'll change, but they don't.....go. it is calling you. it is the universe's way of telling you that you are not being heard, and that your voice, God's gift, is not being heard. sometimes, the only way to get heard is to leave. do not let someone else take your voice.
it is yours for a reason, my soldiers.
it is your strongest weapon.
a relationship is made of two equals. the minute you don't feel like that anymore, do not leave right away, because quitting isn't something i'd recommend either, but speak.
nothing can get better if it isn't worked on. things don't go away on their own. you can't ignore it until it grows so big you can't anymore, because that's the problem with these kinds of things: they normally grow so big you'd let them consume you first before you acknowledge them.
don't be ashamed of your situation, of who you may have let them warp you into. you did it out of love, and there's nothing more right in the world than trying to love someone.
only feel sorry for them. for not hearing the amazing things your voice has to say.
xoxo,
kally jean <3
~feedback is always appreciated, and messages always open :)~