a/n: oh this is gon HURT hahaha but it's nothing compared to what's coming
warnings: language, angst, death mentions/allusions, ptsd/anxiety
my requests are CLOSED
Your first semester of college ended faster than you would've expected. The last week before winter break you only had two finals - your photography class just wanted the project turned in online, and one of your other classes didn't require a final and let you off early.
The project was submitted and graded within the first week, your exams went by fairly easily, and the holidays and new year came and went with barely a blink. Before you knew it you were done with your first semester and getting ready for your second.
And Peter didn't speak to you all of break.
He didn't send you a goodnight text the night you got home after he basically ran from you, like he normally did. You sent one anyway, thinking maybe he had just been out being Spider-Man and forgot.
He never responded.
You had texted him the next day asking if he was alright, still getting no response. The whole day you were on edge, thinking something bad had happened to him when he was patrolling - but then you saw a news story about Spider-Man saving some people from a bank robbery, and knew he was alright.
Then your worry turned to confusion. Why would he ignore you? He's never ignored you, even back when he was mopey and closed off. You didn't have your read receipts on but you knew he must have read your texts. You even tried calling him a few times, and after a while they went straight to voicemail.
You had a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach the last time you saw him, almost like your body was warning you that something would happen. The guilty look on his face when he left wasn't reassuring either.
It was obvious to you now that he was ignoring you on purpose. After a week of no response, you decided to stop trying. What were you going to do if he wanted to be left alone? It sucked, it really did, and you felt a pang of hurt every time you opened your phone to see no new texts from him, but what were you going to do?
You did have a life outside Peter Parker, and it wasn't going to stop just because he was ignoring you.
The new semester started (with nearly three weeks of no word from Peter) and the newspaper kept you busy. It wasn't like you were getting good shots of Spider-Man, either - as much as Peter was avoiding you around campus, he also did it while he was dressed up in his spandex, and you could never seem to find the guy. So you resorted to scrambling to find small news stories on campus or around the city that you could partner with a writer for to photograph before Harry could.
The lack of classes shared with Peter made it easier for him to avoid you - there were times you considered just going and knocking on his door, but you didn't know his new schedule. Not that he would answer even if he was home.
It wasn't like you didn't have friends or anyone to hang out with, but Peter meant a lot to you. You only knew him a semester but he had been shaping up to be one of your best friends, and you let yourself think that maybe it could turn out to be something more. He had let you in a little, shown you the home he grew up in and the person who raised him, only for him to immediately shut you out right after.
None of it made sense to you.
-
Peter sat with his legs crossed, fingers tapping his knee and the grass underneath him. He didn't care that it was freezing or that he was in his suit or that the grass was wet and disgusting or that it was nearly three in the morning.
He hadn't visited her grave in a while. It usually was too painful to be there where she was buried, her funeral being the last place he was really near her. The looks on her parents' faces killed him, all of their friends and people he'd never met from her family mourning her without knowing what happened - only Peter really knew.
Of course it still hurt. Every time he thought about her there was a stab of pain in his gut and his thoughts were filled with guilt.
But since you came along, he didn't have as many nightmares. He didn't go through every waking moment thinking about what he should have done differently. He didn't have panic attacks because someone said her name or brought her up in conversation. It didn't hurt like it used to because he was finally letting himself move on, and he had you to thank for that.
He knew she'd be scolding him for taking this long to move on. They'd had that discussion before, but it wasn't about her dying, because he never imagined that happening.
"I don't want to talk about this," she mumbled, dabbing a cloth to his split lip.
"I know you don't want to," he replied quietly, "But we need to. I might not come home one day and-"
"Don't say that," she gave him a little glare, "You don't know that."
His hand came up to take her wrist, bringing her arm down from his face. "I don't know that, but I do know that it's a possibility, and I want to make sure you'll be okay."
"I don't want to think about what it would be like without you, Peter," she shut her eyes, scrunching up her face a bit, "I can't. That's why you need to be more careful."
"I know, sweetheart, and I will be," he brought a hand up to her face, and she opened her eyes, looking like she was trying not to tear up. "But if anything did happen I want you to move on and be happy, you know that right? I already feel like I'm holding you back and-"
"Hey, you're not holding me back," she promised, bringing her hand up to hold his still on her cheek. "And...I'll do my best."
"That's all I can ask for."
He wasn't currently doing his best. She was a lot stronger than him and he had never worried about her ability to move forward if something happened to him. Maybe if he had prepared himself for the possibility of losing her, it would have been different.
But he hadn't, and he suffered for months after she died to try and come to terms with it. He had almost convinced himself that he never would, but then you showed up. You made the hole in his heart stitch itself back together every time you cracked a stupid joke or brought him coffee with a snarky remark about how gross it would taste. You couldn't fix the hole completely - there was still a scar, but you were the first person able to close it.
And he knew that she would chew him out for what he was doing to you now.
But he didn't want to go through it again. He couldn't go through it again. If he was with you then eventually you would find out about him being Spider-Man, and then you'd be the one patching him up after a long night and then you would be the one bleeding out on the sidewalk because he wasn't fast enough.
You'd be the one whose grave he'd be sitting in front of.
Peter grit his teeth a little, his eyes focusing on her name on the headstone. She never got to go to graduate college or get married or have a real job and that was his fault. He shouldn't have let her get involved in his life and he should have been strong enough to let her go before it killed her.
He had to let you go now before it was too late, or he'd regret it for the rest of his life.
-
Peter hadn't gone out much in hopes of not seeing you. He avoided your usual coffee shop like the plague and opted to study from home instead of the library. He was lucky he didn't live on campus or have any classes with you, but even he knew that luck wouldn't last forever.
It hurt. Every day he wanted to text you and apologize and make up some shitty excuse and have you back in his life despite how selfish it would be. He felt empty without your stupid jokes and weird emojis and pointless snapchats, but he knew it was for the best.
He picked up carnations every week and was reminded of why it was for the best.
His aunt called him and asked when you'd be coming over again and he gave some lame excuse about this semester being harder so you were both busy. Ned asked about you too, and so did his other friends that Ned had spilled the beans too, but he brushed it off every time. They'd be disappointed if they knew he was shoving you to the side, even if his reasoning was, in his mind, pretty valid.
When he was out as Spider-Man, he found himself avoiding places where he knew you would go to take pictures. He wasn't sure he could take it if he saw you in person, he might forget all his reasons for avoiding you and change his mind about the whole thing, which he couldn't afford to do.
So he fell back into his old routine. Carnations, class, homework, Spider-Man, occasional movie night that his friends forced him into, and brief visits to May. Avoid thinking about her, avoid thinking about you, do his best to accept that he shouldn't put you in harms way just for his own selfish reasons of wanting you.
That didn't stop him from looking at the picture, that stupid picture of you both that he decided to print out and keep, and think about if he was really making the right choice.
Maybe you could be his happy ending. The hero deserved that sometimes, right? He had suffered so much loss that he just wanted something that would be permanent, and maybe that could be you.
You were kinda perfect for him, if he was being honest. Your personality matched up well with his and provided a good balance. He knew you would get along with his friends and you clearly got along with May already. You kept him in a good mood even when he was stressed or having bad thoughts. He hadn't really felt himself around anyone until you showed up, and you made him happy just because you were you, as lame as it sounded.
He hadn't given anyone that look he was giving you while you were both dancing since she had been in his life.
But then he remembered what it was like to hold her while she was bleeding out on the street because some asshole with a gun realized she was with Spider-Man, and he put the picture back down.
He knew he was lucky to avoid you as much as he did, so it shouldn't have really surprised him to finally run into you when he decided to get coffee at a shop far from campus.
"Peter?" He looked like a deer in headlights, his hands tightly gripping his to-go cup and eyes blown wide. You had just stepped inside and Peter felt the hairs on his arm go up a little, almost warning him that you were here before he even looked up.
He hadn't seen you since he walked away from you that night. It had probably been a month and it felt like a lot longer than it actually was, going from seeing you every day to not at all definitely made it seem like it had been ages.
But here you were, looking as stunning as he remembered, only instead of your usual cheery presence and wide grin, you were sporting a hurt look that made his chest ache.
"Hey," he decided to go with, hating himself a little when your frown deepened. "What's...up?"
"Are...are you serious?" You knit your eyebrows, "You - all you have to say is 'what's up'? Why the hell have you been ignoring me?"
"Don't know what you're talking about," he said a little coldly, tapping his fingers against his cup.
This was the exact situation he had been trying to avoid. He knew it would hurt him too much to see you again so he did everything he could to just outright avoid you. It was stupid of him to assume he could do that forever, though.
"I know you're avoiding me, you couldn't make it more obvious," you said quietly, the hurt in your eyes evident. "Did I do something?"
"I'm not," he lied, not able to look you in the eyes. You looked so sad and it wasn't something he ever wanted to see, not when you were usually so happy and carefree. It felt wrong. "Is it so bad for me to want some space?"
"Well you could have asked, I would have left you be," you responded, knitting your eyebrows, "But you didn't, you're just giving me the cold shoulder for no reason-"
"It's not my fault you're so clingy," he suddenly said harshly, and he watched your face fall with a sharp pain in his chest. He had to do this, he had to push you away, he couldn't let what happened to her happen to you, too. And if you kept talking he was afraid he would forget that. "Can't you just let me be sometimes? Do you not have other friends?"
You stared at him in shock. Peter had always been reserved, but he had his moments where you thought this might work out. But he had never talked to you like this, had never said such harsh things, and by the way his expression looked - he didn't even want to say them. And you realized he was doing it purposefully in hopes of pushing you away, and you didn't know why.
He was protecting himself, but that didn't make it okay.
"Wow, okay," you muttered, turning your face away so he couldn't see your hurt expression. "I'll give you your space then."
He wanted to apologize the second you turned to leave, not even bothering to get a drink after all, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything before you were out the door. He felt guilty watching through the window as you hastily wiped your eyes and marched back down the street, hugging your arms to yourself.
Peter breathed in through his nose, trying to shove that feeling away. He was saving your life by hurting you, or at least, that's what he convinced himself he was doing.
-
Crying over boys was stupid.
You didn't like to be emotional about stupid things, but this didn't feel like a stupid thing to you. Peter had essentially broken your heart and stomped on it some more just for fun, without even offering a decent explanation.
"It's not my fault you're so clingy."
There's nothing you hated more than being called clingy, and you didn't think he would ever say that to you. Hell, you didn't think he would ever even hurt you like this. He was a good guy, a mostly honest and really sweet guy, who helped you with studying and bought you coffees and you danced with you to old cheesy songs for no reason at all. This wasn't him.
Then again, did you really know him at all? He was Spider-Man, something you wouldn't have guessed at first if you hadn't heard his voice coming from the hero's mask. When you first met him he seemed like he didn't even want to tell you his name, much less be your friend. It took you months for him to open up, and the second he really did - boom. No contact for a month.
You decided to suck it up and move forward. It might take a little while for your feelings to go away and for your anger to subside, but what were you going to do? Mope around for the rest of college over a stupid boy you knew for only a semester? Absolutely not.
It was January and New York was freezing, but you didn't want to let that stop you from going outside and doing what you loved, and what you knew would distract you. Your aunt had gotten you a new camera for Christmas, and you had left Peter's on his doorstep with a text that he never responded to. Big surprise.
So when the sun decided to peek through the clouds, you chose to brave the cold and find a distraction from the stupid boy you didn't want to be sad about anymore.
The nice thing about going out when you did was that it was finally light outside, and the ice and snow looked stunning. There weren't many good pictures that you had taken during the darker and colder parts of winter, so this was a good chance to get some that you might be proud of.
You went straight after class to a park near campus where there was an ice skating rink, hoping it wasn't too crowded. There weren't many people out much to your satisfaction, and you were able to hang around and try out new settings on your camera that you hadn't tried out yet.
After a while you sat on a bench and just decided to hold it up and move it around a bit, trying to find anything interesting. When you moved the camera more to the right you were suddenly blocked by a close up of someone's face and you squealed, nearly dropping it.
"You gotta learn to be more aware of your surroundings, Y/N," you grit your teeth a little when you moved the camera away from your face, seeing Harry of all people smirking as he took a seat next to you.
"Are you starstruck? Want an autograph?" Harry joked when you had yet to respond, making you roll your eyes. "I've been told I look like a younger Idris Elba, if you got confused I definitely understand."
"What are you doing here," you whined a little, "This is my spot."
"I don't see your name written anywhere," he pointed out, making you frown more.
"Come on man," you sighed, adjusting your camera strap, "Did you just come here to annoy me?"
"Maybe I just wanted to hang out with you," he suggested, making you roll your eyes.
"Yeah, okay," you huffed, "I'm just gonna go to another spot cause there's no point taking pictures here if you're just going to-"
"Wait, you don't need to leave," He stopped you, his grin dropping, "I can go if you really want me to. I did just want to see you, one of the writers mentioned you take shots here sometimes so I thought I'd come by."
"Really?" You raised an eyebrow, wondering if he was joking, "I thought you didn't like me, it seems like you've been trying to shove me out of my spot the whole semester."
"Nah, no way, I think you're great! We don't need to compete so much, you know, it wasn't really a competition to me," he smiled a little, and it did look more genuine, "If I'm being honest, I was just trying to get you to notice me."
You raised your eyebrows, "What?"
"Come on, I thought it was obvious," he scratched his chin, not quite meeting your eyes now. "I'm not really a straight forward guy so I couldn't really seem to get the point across but...why do you think I'd be trying to get your attention?"
After a second of silence you felt your cheeks warm up when you realized what he was implying. "Oh."
"Yeah," he chuckled a little, eyes on you while he waited for you to say something other than "oh".
Harry was nice - you might've had an initial dislike for him but that was only because you thought he was trying to get you off the paper so he'd be the youngest photographer, but that clearly wasn't the case now. He was nice, he was good looking, he had similar hobbies to you...
But he wasn't Peter.
You had no idea what to say to him, he literally just came out of nowhere and within a few minutes of conversation decided to drop that bomb on you, but luckily you were saved by a soft thud behind you, making you both jump up.
To your shock and then slight horror, Spider-Man - Peter - walked up to the both of you. He appeared pretty much out of nowhere, but before you could be suspicious as to how he happened to be here so coincidentally, he stopped in front of the both of you and crossed his arms.
"Hey, camera girl," he said cheerfully, his mask shifting a little into what you assumed was a smile. He tilted his head at Harry, who looked a little uncomfortable but also shocked. The eyes of his mask narrowed slightly, "This guy bothering you?"
"No, no he's-he's fine," you shook your head, almost forgetting that it was Peter under that mask and wondering why he even dropped down to say hi when he was so actively avoiding you. "What, uh, what are you doing?"
"You know, just patrolling," he hummed, still looking at Harry, "Swung by and saw you, couldn't help but notice you looked a little bothered, figured I would make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine," you tried not to snap when you said it, but you knew you didn't look "bothered". He clearly dropped down to interrupt your response to Harry, which you might have been a little grateful for, but it still wasn't his business to do so. And what did he care, anyway?
"You're Spider-Man," Harry said in a monotone voice, looking a little shocked while you tried not to put your head in your hands.
"Sure am," Peter grinned while you made an annoyed noise, sticking his hand out to the star-struck guy. "Nice to meet you...?"
"Harry," he replied, shaking Peter's hand and hiding a wince at how hard his grip was. Peter tried not to laugh at that.
"Sorry, Y/N, do you...do you guys know each other?" Harry pointed between the too of you. "I'm confused."
"Oh yeah, we're real close," Peter threw an arm over your shoulder and you resisted the urge to shove it off. Who the hell said he could act chummy with you like this when he was treating you like crap when he wasn't being Spider-Man?
Harry gave you a strange look and you just shrugged, giving up. First he basically tells you he likes you, and then Peter - the only real reason you'd probably reject Harry - literally drops from the sky, despite the fact that he'd been avoiding you for well over a month. Of course, he thinks you don't know it's him, so does it really count?
"Look, Spider-Man, thanks for dropping by, but I'm fine," you put on a smile, stepping out from under his arm. His mask's eyes narrowed a bit and you almost imagined that he was hurt you were basically telling him to leave.
"Right," Peter cleared his throat, "As long as you guys are cool, I'll get going then."
"Uh, before you go, do you mind if I-?" Harry held up his camera, but Peter shook his head.
"Sorry man, I only pose for the pretty photographers," his mask winked at you, and you nearly wanted to die right there.
Before either of you could respond to that he gave you salute and lifted his other hand to an adjacent building, shooting a web and swinging off as quick as he came.
You swore too many weird things happened in the span of like, fifteen minutes.
"Um...what was that?" Harry asked after a minute, and you just shook your head in response.
"I have no idea. But I should get back to my dorm, I have a ton of work to do," you backed up a little, shooting him a small smile, and hoped the message got across. He looked a little disappointed but nodded, and you tried not to feel too guilty.
"Right. See you around then," he gave you a tight smile, not meeting your eyes.
"Bye, Harry," you mumbled as he walked away, and you sighed, rubbing your forehead.
You were a little annoyed at yourself for not even giving him a chance, but you knew it wouldn't be fair to him. The feelings you had for Peter were stronger than you realized, even with how he was not speaking with you now.
But you were more annoyed that Peter had the audacity to waltz up to you both like that. You knew he thought you were oblivious to who was under the mask, but even disregarding that, what the hell was he playing at acting friendly with you now, and very obviously trying to force himself in between you and a guy you weren't even interested in?
With a little huff of annoyance, you took off your camera and packed it into your case, deciding to pack up and go home. The distraction you were looking for clearly backfired, and you wanted to go back to your dorm and make some hot chocolate and watch a shitty movie instead of think about what just happened.
-
Peter tried not to grin when he heard from the rooftop above how you didn't give Harry a clear answer. It might've been a little pathetic of him to interrupt that and then stay after to eavesdrop, and it was definitely not his business who you wanted to go out with, but he couldn't help it.
And he was definitely not stalking you. He just happened to see you on the street with your camera and decided to stop for a minute.
He hadn't seen you in a while. Not since he saw you angry and upset at him, at least. You were snapping some photos of random things, he couldn't really tell of what exactly, but you kept moving your hair out of your face and frowning at your camera, making him chuckle a little.
When some guy approached you he tensed up, but once you started talking he relaxed a little, realizing it was someone you knew. He could hear the conversation - perks of having superpowers - and felt his heart drop to his stomach when he heard what Harry was saying, basically implying that he liked you.
That was when he made a stupid move and dropped down, not really sure if he could handle hearing your response.
He knew it wasn't his business. He knew that you were your own person and obviously allowed to do whatever you wanted. But he couldn't help the sharp pain in his chest at the idea of you with someone else.
Though when he saw your face right after he jumped down, it was a little obvious how grateful you were to be interrupted. Of course, then you were annoyed, but he did see your relieved look before. Maybe he had nothing to worry about.
But that thought made him frown as he watched you get up from the bench and start to walk away, presumably back to campus. He shouldn't have anything to worry about. He shouldn't be this worried about you, not anymore. Not now that he was protecting you by staying away from you.
With a sigh he got up from the ledge, rubbing his hands together from the cold and deciding to follow you back to campus before continuing his patrol.
Just to make sure you would get there alright, of course.