My alarm clock went off at 7 a.m. like it did most days. I tapped the snooze button in case I didn't sit up and fell back asleep again. I rolled onto my back, looking up at the ceiling. To my right was my husband, Lin, still fast asleep. At other times, I may have scooted up close to him and snuggled with him until my alarm went off again. Lately, though, I'd been feeling less connected to him. I still loved him dearly, but I'd been getting frustrated lately. Before the girls had come to live with him from Puerto Rico I'd had eyes for him. Somehow I'd always pictured myself with him eventually. With a family. Two years after marriage, though, we were stagnant. Isabel was still a major challenge and we were no closer to getting pregnant. I was tired of waiting.
I pushed myself up and stretched my arms over my head, then walked to the bathroom. I started the shower so it would be warm by the time I finished on the toilet. As I stepped under the warm stream of water, I let out a sigh of content. The morning quiet was great. Before the hustle of the day and before the inevitable arguments with Isabel. Before the tension with Lin.
I spent a long time in the shower and heard Lin come in to brush his teeth. I turned off the water and reached for the towel. I dried off in the shower, then wrapped the towel under my armpits. Lin was rinsing his mouth as I stepped out.
"Morning," he mumbled, drying his mouth.
"Morning," I answered back as I found my comb and began to work out the tangles. During the good times, Lin may have worked his way behind me, pushed up my towel over my hips, and had a quickie. Now, there was a sadness between us. He wasn't giving me what I wanted. He wanted to, but because of Isabel we couldn't. Our lives were about Isabel.
I was most concerned about Luna. She was a sweet, happy kid. Occasionally she got into some mischief, but for the most part she was a complete angel. I worried she didn't get enough attention from Lin and me so I tried to make a point of having some one-on-one time with her. She'd been through a lot for an eight year old. She'd lost her mother, been torn away from her absentee father after a major hurricane, and sent to live in basically a foreign country. Now she had a very challenging older sister. I'd always been warned that middle children could feel looked over. Both Isabel and Ellie both needed a lot of attention. Luna was very responsible and we could easily overlook her needs because she never complained. I was determined not to let that happen.
After tucking my wet hair up into a hair clip and putting on some clothes, I walked down the hallway to Luna's room. I pushed the door open and saw she was already awake, just lazing around in bed for a few minutes. I smiled as I walked across the room and sat on her bed.
"Morning, sweetheart," I greeted her, and she smiled back at me.
"Hi, Pippa," she said, her voice croaky.
"Did you have a good sleep?" I asked her, gently rubbing her arm. She nodded and rubbed at her eyes.
"Good," I smiled. "You have a field trip today, don't you?"
"Yep!" she said excitedly, sitting up. "I can't wait!"
She swung her legs over the side of the bed and hopped out. "I'll get your breakfast started. Cheerios or toast?"
"Toast, please!" she requested. I followed her out the door and went to Ellie's room. She'd gotten a little toddler bed about six months ago. It was low to the ground so I knelt down next to it, where my sleeping daughter still laid. I gently rubbed at her back and she began to stir.
"Ellie," I gently cooed. "Time to wake up."
She grumbled a little and turned, rubbing at her eyes. It took her a moment to open them. Our routine consisted of her climbing into my lap for a good morning snuggle. I sat on her bed and she climbed on. She smelled so good. As she grew, her features were becoming more pronounced. I was probably biased, but she was a gorgeous little girl. She had jet black hair, brown eyes, and just a hint of Asian eyes from my genes. Her skin was an olive tone. Ellie loved to have her hair played with, so I gently stroked her hair as she continued to wake up.
"Did you have any dreams last night?" I asked her.
"I don't think so," she said.
"I had a dream," I told her. "We were on top of the Empire State Building doing cartwheels. Even Daddy."
She laughed at that. We'd taken a family trip last weekend to the top, so I guess it was in my brain. After snuggling quietly for a few more minutes, I asked Ellie if she needed to potty and she nodded. I guided her to stand up and we walked out to the hallway. Lin was up now as well, telling Isabel it was time to get going. As usual, it was a struggle. At least it was Friday and she had the promise of the weekend.
We continued our morning routine as a family. The girls were all given their breakfasts and I packed up lunches for Isabel and Luna. Isabel already had her earbuds in, drowning out the rest of the family. It was so loud I could hear the beat. It sounded like a pretty intense song.
Lin hurried the older girls along. I had time that morning, so Lin volunteered to take Ellie to school. After they'd all left I pulled out my computer to get started on work. As the minutes passed, I wasn't able to focus. When I had something hanging over my head, it was difficult to keep my attention on the task at hand. I opened a new tab and searched for marriage counselors in New York City.
Lin and I weren't in a bad place just yet. We'd just started to drift apart and not communicate. It was always the same thing, so we just avoided talking about it. Isabel was too much right now, so we couldn't have another baby. But, when would we be ready? I didn't want to wait another three years until Isabel had graduated high school. And that was now debatable. She was failing two classes and had no higher than a C in the other four classes. She almost certainly would have to do summer school.
I picked up my cell phone and texted one of my friends who'd been through marriage counseling. The therapist she'd been to had come up in my search. I jotted it down in my notebook and decided I'd bring it up to Lin later. This distance between us was killing me. I felt disconnected and unsatisfied.
Lin arrived home fifteen minutes later, in the middle of a phone call. He started the coffee maker as he continued his phone call. It sounded like his agent. He continued to stay incredibly busy. Since the success of Hamilton he'd gotten a constant barrage of offers for TV, movies, theatre, and the list grew. Some things he'd had to turn down because it would require him to be away from home too long.
He finished up the call, getting out a new mug. "More coffee?" he asked me.
"Sure, why not," I called back. I closed my laptop and walked over to the kitchen. I figured now was as good a time as ever to bring up marriage counseling.
"I wanted to talk to you about something," I began, leaning on the counter with my forearms. He glanced at me, seeing I was serious.
"Sure. What is it?" He asked, adding coffee beans to machine.
"I'm worried about us," I told him honestly. "I feel like there's this distance between us."
He breathed out and nodded in agreement. It's not like we fought constantly, but that didn't mean our marriage wasn't on the rocks. We rarely made love now. I missed having a close connection to him.
"Are you open to going to a marriage counselor?"
He leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms. "I'm not opposed to it. Do you really think we need it?"
"Yes," I told him. "We're in a rut. Everything right now is about Isabel. You know how badly I wanted another baby. We need to figure out a way to get through this."
He seemed saddened that I'd brought this up. It saddened me too, that we'd gotten to this point. Our relationship had always been full of love and passion. Now, everything was just...blah. We lived. We existed day to day, but it didn't seem like we were happy.
"Okay," he said. "Let's do it. Let me look at my schedule."
At least he was open to this. Some husbands thought it was a waste of time. I counted myself lucky that I had a husband willing to work on things. And who admitted there was a problem. Relieved, I got out my own planner. Lin poured the coffee and then we went over times each week when we were both usually free. I told him I'd call later that morning to set an appointment.
After he'd poured us both some more coffee, I made another phone call. I couldn't help but eavesdrop since we were in the same room. He was on the phone with AT&T, asking to have capability to track Isabel's phone. I sighed as I sat on the couch to relax with my coffee some more. He must be really worried about her again.
He hung up a few minutes later, grabbed his coffee and laptop, and sat on the other couch.
"Are you tracking Isabel's phone again?" I asked, blowing on my coffee.
"Mmmhmm," he said. "I saw yesterday morning that she has a tattoo on her back. Luna said it was from the Latin Kings."
"The Latin Kings?" I asked, exasperated. "The gang?"
He nodded.
"Jesus," I rubbed at my temples. "She's only fifteen."
"I know," he said, staring off. "She really worries me. I've been thinking more about sending her to a group home."
We'd talked about this a bit yesterday. Honestly, I think it would be best for everyone if she went. Not that I wasn't willing to work with Isabel, but I'd reached the point where I didn't know what else to do. Nothing we did was working. She needed professional help.
"I think it could be a good thing," I told him honestly. "I know you worry about the abandonment thing, but she's got to realize there's a point where she crosses a line. She's not listening, she's skipped school, and now she's associating with a gang. If we don't get her out of this situation I don't want to imagine what might happen next."
Lin nodded as he bit his lip, thinking. It was the last thing either of us wanted to do, but we had exhausted everything else.
"I'll watch her closely over the next few days," he decided. "If things get any worse, I'll start looking into it."
I sipped my coffee, thinking that sounded fair enough. Around 3:00, we got a call from Luna's school that Isabel hadn't picked her up like she usually does. Ellie was home from preschool now, so I stayed home with her while Lin went to Luna's school. He opened his app that allowed him to see where Isabel was. After picking Luna up, he'd track her down.
About 45 minutes later, they were all home. Isabel stormed straight off to her room and Lin was running his hands through his hair in frustration.
"Uncle Lin, can I watch TV?" Luna asked quietly.
"Sure, baby," he told his niece.
"Where was she?" I asked Lin as he toed off his shoes.
"At a park," he said, rubbing his fingers over his goatee. "With a bunch of people I'd never met. Rough-looking people. She was pissed that I called her out in front of them."
"Does she know you're tracking her phone?"
"She does now," he said. "I told her on the way home. I explained that if things didn't changed I'd be sending her to a group home."
"How'd she react?" I asked him.
He shrugged. "She tried to act like she didn't care, but she was pretty quiet on the way home."
This was encouraging that at least she realized what a big deal this was. I decided to go sit with Luna on the couch. At the commercial break I asked her how her field trip had gone and she told me about it somewhat of a sullen voice.
"You okay, sweetheart?" I asked, playing with her hair. She shrugged.
"You know you can tell me if something's bothering you," I reminded her.
She looked down at her knees. "It's just...Uncle Lin said he might send Isabel to a group home. I...I don't know if I like that or not."
I crossed my legs, looking at her with concern. "Do you have some mixed up feelings?"
She nodded, biting her lip. "Sometimes I get sick of the way she acts and I just want her to go away. But she's my sister and I love her. If she goes away I'll miss her."
I nodded in understanding. "Those are some hard feelings," I acknowledged. "We all love her and it's frustrating to see someone you love do bad things."
We were quiet for a few moments. "Your Uncle Lin and I are trying everything we can to keep her here, but at some point we might need extra help. We're not just going to send her away without very carefully thinking about it. And she won't go far. We'll make sure she's still in New York City so we can visitor her a lot."
"But it won't be the same," she said, getting teary eyed. I wrapped my arms around her, letting my head rest against hers as the tears fell. This situation was tough for everyone, but perhaps the worst for poor Luna. Sometimes she was the brunt of her sister's anger, but they still had a deep bond. The sisters had been through a lot together.
"It's okay to cry," I assured her, kissing the top of her head. "And I'm always here to listen."
After cuddling for a few more minutes I got Luna some hot chocolate to relax with before dinner. Ellie was in a wild mood, running around the house being loud. Isabel's music was pounding through her door. I longed for nighttime quiet.
Sometimes Isabel seemed to think of me as the more approachable parent, so I decided to go pay her a visit before dinner. Since the music was so loud I didn't bother knocking. I pushed the door open and she was laying on her bed, thumbing through her phone, grinning. I walked to the stereo and turned it down. She sat up but kept her eyes on the phone.
"Hi," I said simply, sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Hi," she answered dismissively.
"Do you want to talk about what happened this afternoon?" I asked her, pulling one knee up to my chest.
She shrugged. "Uncle Lin needs to chill. I was just hanging out with friends."
I paused for a moment before talking. "Did you forget about your responsibility to pick up Luna?"
"I thought she had dance after school today," she said, though I didn't totally believe her.
"Honest mistake," I gave her the benefit of the doubt. "Why do you think Uncle Lin and I are so concerned about your new friends?"
"Beats me," she shrugged.
"Are these kids you go to school with?"
"Why does it matter?" she finally glanced up at me.
"Are they older than you?"
"Some of them."
I paused again before my next question. "Are they in the Latin Kings?"
She sighed and laid back down again, and didn't answer.
"Isabel, gangs are very dangerous," I told her. "I know it feels good to be part of a group that looks out for each other, but you're getting get yourself in too deep."
"I think I can take care of myself," she answered.
"You're fifteen," I reminded her.
She rolled her eyes. "Are we done?"
I breathed out, disappointed she wasn't opening up more to me.
"I guess," I said. "But Isabel, you need to choose your friends wisely. Uncle Lin already talk to you about what's gonna happen if you get yourself in more trouble."
"I know," she groaned, obviously wanting the discussion to be over. I stood up, looking down at her for a moment. When she'd first arrived from Puerto Rico she'd been so sweet. She was a little mother to Luna, always making sure she had what she needed. In the last three years she'd changed so much, and unfortunately it wasn't for the better.
"Dinner will be ready soon," I told her, walking to the door.
"I'm not hungry," she said. I opened the door and paused, looking back at her. I wish I could find the words; the perfect words to get through to her. To somehow snap her out of this, but deep down I knew the only person who could get herself out of this mess was her. As I left her room I wondered what it would take for her mind to shift, and whether it would come too late.