I've never felt so blindsided. All this time, I'd been investigating the wrong people when the one responsible for all my confusion was literally working right beside me all along. Abby? How on earth did I miss that? I would have thought there'd be clues, maybe small gestures or looks that might suggest her feelings toward me. I'm completely out of my realm of comfort with all this. I've never been on the receiving end of a female's affection. Not in a romantic way anyway. What am I supposed to do?
Pulling out of the clinic parking lot, I head for home, mind spinning. I feel like a yo-yo being yanked in every which way. Much more of this and I'll break. First Jessie, then Mike, then Andy, and now Abby. My chest feels on the verge of eruption and the fuller it gets the more fragile I feel. The last few years have been one rejection followed by another and in between all that, I've experienced a series of jumbled emotions. Affection and rejection are a dangerous combination.
I'm a bundle of nerves by the time I get home. Two minutes after picking up Haley, she decided she'd had enough and started throwing a temper tantrum that could rattle the patience of a dead man. It took everything within me not to start screaming or bawling my eyes out. My mom must have heard Haley wailing from the end of the street because she was waiting on the doorstep when I pulled up to the house. She doesn't attempt to hobble down the steps with her bum leg, but the moment I exit the vehicle and grab Haley from her car seat, my mom already has her arms stretched out toward us, ready to take the puffy-eyed child from my arms.
"Thanks, mom," I say, letting out a weary sigh.
"Dinner's on the table," my mom says, following in after me through the front door.
I drop my purse on the floor beside the pile of shoes just left to the entrance before glancing into the dining room. Based on the clean dishes placed around the table, it looks like they waited for me. Unfortunately, I'm just not really in the mood for small talk.
"I might eat later, if that's okay," I say, eyes pleading for her to understand. "It's been a rough day."
"Oh." Her eyes widen with this news and she glances at Haley's puckered face just as the child lets out another stream of whimpers. "Well, I'm not all that hungry. I could let your dad feed Haley and you and I could—"
"No, no," I smile. "Thanks, mom, but I really just need a little bit of quiet, if that's okay."
She nods once, pulling her lips between her teeth and then offering a gentle grin. "Sure. I'll make a plate for you and leave it in the microwave. Just heat it up when you're ready."
"Perfect."
She pats my shoulder a couple of times and then hollers for my dad to come join her for dinner. The moment her back is to me, I hurry through the living room and out the back door. Settling into one of the patio chairs, I turn my face toward the sky. It's not a particularly nice night. The air's a bit too stale, the breeze a little too absent and the sky a little too dark.
Dropping my head back against the chair, I let the rim of it dig into my neck. It's pleasant in the most uncomfortable sort of way. Rolling my head back and forth, I succumb to the relaxation that my body has been begging for since finding out the truth.
I find my thoughts snagging on Mike and how he's been behind all of this. I can't figure it out. Does he not know me at all? It stings to realize that the man I once adored is gone. It's a loneliness I wasn't prepared for. I was over Mike until he came back and now I'm just lost. Lost in my own desires. Part of me hates him for neglecting me. Part of me is furious at the military for allowing him into a war zone that was so detrimental to his personality. And then another part of me is disgusted at myself for not just letting him go.
My phone chimes from my pocket and even though my thoughts have been spiraling around Mike lately, I'm presented with a very distinct image of Andy. I picture him perched on one of the stools of his mom's kitchen island with his legs pulled up to his chest while he presses the phone to his ear in anticipation of my greeting. But, when I glance at the caller ID, I find Gavin's name displayed at the top of my phone.
I'm not particularly in the mood for chitchat, but Gavin's good at offering mindless conversation—something that I could use. So, after the second ring, I answer with a dull, "hello?"
"—that you'd even want to try?"
"Of course not!" A more distant voice responds and I recognize it as Chris.
"Hello?" I say again, sitting up straighter.
"But I mean, you're pretty serious, right?" Gavin goes on, apparently not even hearing me. "You'd marry her today if you thought she'd say yes."
"Well, I mean..." Chris's voice drifts slightly and I hear the distinct sound of liquid being slurped up a straw. Then he burps before continuing. "I'd like to get settled first."
"Hello!"
"Dude, I just—I guess I never realized how serious you two were," Gavin says, speaking over me. "You barely talk about her. She just sort of showed up."
"What can I say, when you know, you know."
Gavin makes a mocking sound with his lips, before laughing. "I wouldn't know that feeling, but I'll take your word for it." I hear him chewing and attempt to get his attention again but it seems he's butt-dialed me and hasn't a clue that I'm eavesdropping on their entire conversation.
"You ready?" Chris says, and I can hear the shuffling of papers or maybe it's the crinkling of food wrappers; I'm not sure.
"Yep," Gavin answers. "Just gonna have a quick smoke. I'll meet you there."
I listen for a few more minutes, but it seems that after saying goodbye the two parted ways. When I hear the horrific sound of Gavin singing karaoke-style and cussing at the slow driver in front of him, I decide it's time to end the call. I drop my phone onto the side table and let out a heavy sigh. As much as I don't feel like talking to anyone, I'm almost disappointed that I've got no one to talk to.
I'm just about to drop my head back against my seat again when my phone starts singing. Glancing at the screen I find Gavin's name displayed at the top and smile. Plucking it up, I press the button to answer and don't even get a chance to utter a 'hey' before Gavin's blabbing my ear off.
"Hope we didn't bore you too much," he says distractedly. "Get out of the way, dude!—Anyway, how's the Lindsey doing these days? Feels like a lifetime since I last saw you."
"Hi, Gavin," I chuckle, pulling my legs up onto the seat and wrapping an arm around them.
"Hi. So I'm about to meet Chris at his place to watch the game tonight. You up for getting out of the house to join us?"
"Naw," I decline. "Just gonna stay in tonight. You two have fun."
"No! What the heck! Get in my lane one more time and I'll run you over, you burnt tater tot!"
I shouldn't be surprised by Gavin's yelling. He becomes very passionate on the road, but that doesn't stop the smile from spreading across my lips. As down as I'm feeling, Gavin has a knack for bringing a smidgen of light into the bleakness of my life.
"You're driving all the way to Moline tonight to watch one game?" I say.
"No," Gavin corrects. "Chris just moved to town today. We spent the whole morning moving him into his apartment. He's literally five minutes from my place now. Isn't that exciting!" He actually squeals and I find his joy almost contagious.
"That's cool."
"I mean, his living room is made up of two lawn chairs and a flat screen perched on a stack of boxes, but it'll do."
"Sounds like a blast."
"Yeah," he agrees. "A blast you won't be a part of." I hear him grumble something under his breath that ends with 'party pooper' and then he's yelling at another driver.
"Welp," he says. "I'm here now, so I gotta go. Don't have too much fun doing nothing without me."
"I promise to have no fun whatsoever," I tell him, laughing as I speak.
"That's a good girl. Alright, goodnight."
"Night."
I hang up and then stare at my screen for several seconds before my thumb begins to scroll throw my contacts without my permission. Before I can talk myself out of it, I tap Andy's name and put the phone to my ear. As much as I'm craving solitude right now, I don't want silence and I don't think I really want to be alone either.
It rings five times before he answers but there's no response for a while. I hear voices, lot's of them. Like he's at some kind of party, and then a moment later the voices are being silenced.
"Hello."
The gravelly quality of Andy's voice sends a shiver into the depths of my stomach and I find myself momentarily mute.
"Sorry 'bout that," he goes on. "What's up?"
I clear my throat, my free hand subconsciously rubbing at my earlobe. "Is this a bad time?" I ask, ignoring his question.
"No." His response is absolute but I sense the word 'kinda' hidden into the meaning of it.
A groan leaves my lips. "Sorry. You're busy, aren't you? I should have texted first."
"Lindsey, shut up," he laughs. "It's fine. Just tell me what's up."
"What makes you think that something's up?" I ask, curious.
"Because I know you, Lindsey. When you're upset, your voice gets... I don't know how to describe it: thin? strained? fake?"
"My voice gets fake?"
"Yeah," he chuckles. "Kinda. Like you're putting physical effort into acting normal. I mean, seriously Lin Diesel, did you think I wouldn't know that something's bothering you? We've been friends for ages—best friends even."
"Yeah," I agree, "but no one has ever mentioned my voice changing when I'm upset. Not even my parents, or Chuck, or Mike."
"That's because I have something they don't," he explains. "I call it my Lindsey-radar. It tells me when something's off. Now, stop changing the subject. Talk to me."
I can almost see the gleam in his silvery blue eyes and the quirk of his lips as he fights back a grin. He's rarely serious, and even when he is, his expressions give away an internal delight that always seems present, like he's happy to simply exist.
"I just learned something new."
"Something bad, I take it," he guesses.
"Not bad," I tell him. "Just... confusing. I'm just feeling lost." I pause for a moment. "I'm exhausted. Life has made me exhausted."
"I get that."
I sit up a little straighter, biting at my index finger. "You feel it too?"
"Definitely," Andy answers, his voice straining as if he's stretching and then he clears his throat. "I feel like I'm a limp noodle dragging myself through life."
I laugh. "I'd offer to help, but I don't think two limp noodles can support each other."
"Then how 'bout we just fall... together."
My breath hitches, my mind frozen on the implication of his words. Did he mean to give off the impression that things should move beyond platonic? I can't help but wonder, but then again, I know he's not ready for that. He admitted so not that long ago.
"That sounds nice," I say, my voice light so he doesn't suspect that I've read deeper into his words than what he probably meant for me to. I'm too weary to consider that option tonight. I just need a tiny break, one moment to forget life and let someone be there for me.
The phone goes silent for a moment and then Andy speaks up. "There's something more, isn't there? You called for a reason. Are you okay?"
"I don't know," I answer honestly. "I just—I need someone to talk to. Do you have a few min—"
"Where are you?"
I stop short, surprised by Andy's question before muttering, "home".
"Good. Stay there. I'm on my way." Before I can respond, the line goes dead.
No one's ever hung up on me before but the reasons behind Andy's abrupt end to our conversation has my heart swelling. His compassion has always been extraordinary, but sometimes I wonder if he carries a special tenderness just for me. The fact that he's going out of his way to be with me right now says it all. Andy cares... a lot. And a part of me is desperate for that care to extend deeper than simple friendship.
———
Something brushes my shoulder and I jolt awake. My eyes take a moment to focus and even after the blur fades, I still only see darkness. There's a black sky, a shadowed backyard, and a few dozen mosquito bites to prove to me that I'm still lounging outside on the patio.
"Sorry it took me so long."
I rub my forehead before scooting upright in my seat and turning to find Andy settling into the chair beside me.
"It's okay," I tell him, picking up my phone and tapping the button so that the date and time are displayed. "Midnight?" I sweep my attention up toward Andy, questioning him with a single look. His only response is to shrug, guilt pinching his lips together as he scrubs a hand down his face. That's all the answer I need. He still hasn't revealed his secret addiction to me, but the fact that he refuses to enlighten me on why it took him an hour to get here coupled with the fact that he wreaks of cigarette smoke and liquor are good indications I'm not gonna like the truth when he does eventually get around to telling it.
"Were you waiting for the high to wear off?" I find myself asking. "Hoping to clear the alcohol from your head first? Getting in a little more playtime with your lady of choice?" I'm not sure what has such ugly accusations spewing from my lips, but I suspect it has something to do with the prospect of his secrets combined with this whole Abby revelation. I'm overwhelmed and tired and sad—a dangerous mix.
Andy watches me for a few seconds, his features relaxed as he lets my words slap him in the face. Then he leans over, elbows rested on his knees, and shakes his head slowly as he stares at the ground between his feet.
"I'm sorry," he mutters, looking at me from under his lashes. "I'm sorry that you're hurting and I'm sorry that I haven't been completely honest with you yet. I know I need to be. I know it, but I'm grateful for your patience."
"I'm sorry too," I say, my words soft with shame. "I've been feeling really vulnerable lately and I hate feeling that way. I shouldn't have accused you of anything in such an ugly way. Can you please just ease my mind though?"
"Yes." A quiet chuckle escapes his lips and I find my attention being drawn to them as they stretch into a lazy grin. "I promise I'm not addicted to drugs or women."
It's not until the last word leaves his lips that I allow the breath I'd been holding to exit my lungs. I close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers.
"What about food?" I have to ask. "I mean, I know people only think women struggle with that kind of thing, but I know that's bull."
"Wait." Andy lifts a hand to stop me. "Are you asking if I have an eating disorder?"
I don't respond except with a barely visible nod.
"Lindsey, trust me, I love food," he says, not even the faintest sign of humor on his face. "I just prefer to be healthy. That's it."
"Okay." I let myself chuckle just enough to ease the tension woven into my chest.
"Also," Andy continues and I tilt my head up, watching as he leans toward me and murmurs. "It took me an hour to get here because I was in Peoria."
I stare at him for a moment, another flood of relief sweeping through my body and a smile perks up my face. "Oh."
"Yeah," he laughs. "I mean, I wasn't up to any good while I was there, but I swear to tell you all about it when the time comes. For now, you have the floor. Do I need to have some heated words with Mike? Maybe give Jessie a beautiful black eye—if I deck him just right, it might even look like art with some purples and greens thrown in there."
I can't help but laugh, warmed by Andy's deep concern. "Jessie doesn't deserve to look like art."
Andy grins, settling into his seat. "And why not?"
His question isn't a challenge. He's genuinely curious and ready for me to finally tell him the hard truth that I've been hiding. As he waits for me to find my words, I watch the openness in his eyes. The trust and loyalty. If anyone deserves to know the truth, it's Andy, and only because I know I can tell him anything and there won't be an ounce of judgment from him.
Then, with a heavy breath, I go into every ugly detail involving Jessie. Even revealing nugget of my past that I've never uttered in my life. A part of my past I'd forced myself to hide away so I'd never have to think of it again. But as tears leak down my face, I share my last remaining secret with Andy and watch as he eats up every detail with knuckle-clenching rage.
---
These last few chapters were written MONTHS after the first 24, so expect some big plot holes. I'm sorry if anything doesn't make sense. If you notice anything that doesn't seem right, please let me know so I can fix it in edited (whenever that finally happens. lol)
Also, good news!!! This book is complete! That means I'll be updating DAILY (or more) from now on! Whoop whoop! Not gonna lie, I'm sooooo ready to be done with this book. There were so many things that prolonged this story from being completed and it's just worn me out. I need a break!!! :p That being said, I really do love Lindsey's story and I'm excited to go back through and reread it one of these days.