"Take a bite. It's not as good as my Nonna's but it's really good." Tony implored as he held out his fork full of lasagna.
Ella looked at the gooey cheese and imagined it getting stuck on the ever-present lump in her throat. She shook her head and ate a tiny bite of her chicken instead.
"We go out to eat, but you eat like a bird. Come on Ella. I know there's something going on that no one is telling me. On Sunday, everyone was whispering in hush voices about you."
Ella sighed, she knew her family worried about her. She chose her words carefully. "I dated someone and it didn't work out. My family worries too much. I know they're hoping you will replace him."
Tony studied her. "But you don't want that do you?"
She shook her head, "You know I think you're great. I love you. In just a few months you've become my best friend... you and Ava."
She felt the lump get bigger and the pressure behind her eyes. Just a simple statement reminded her of who should have been her best friend.
"Do you want to tell me about him?"
Ella shook her head and whispered, "I can't."
She couldn't talk about him. She could hardly think about him.
"I was with a girl for almost a year. I really liked her, but it turned out she liked my best friend better. It was hard, because she was my sister's best friend, so she still came round. I never knew how much of what I felt was missing her or the humiliation."
"I feel that sometimes."
Truthfully when she wasn't feeling sad she felt angry. In her imagination, if she saw him, she would slap him across the face and a second after imagining the scene she would melt into tears.
"She was the reason I accepted the position and moved. I needed to get away from her."
"He left Maine so I don't have to. Hey, so what happened with that guy you thought was getting fired at work?"
She changed the subject and listened to Tony talk. He was really good looking. Since he met her straight from work, he wore a suit. His father was Italian, so he had olive skin and dark brown eyes and hair. Even his slightly large nose fit his face. She watched his hands, as he signed the charge slip. She wished they lit a fire in her, but whenever they had held hands, she didn't feel the electric pulse she longed for.
It would be so easy, if she could find happiness with Tony. Once outside, she thanked him for the meal. He always insisted on paying, because his salary was a lot more than her teacher's pay. He was an actuarial at an insurance company, which meant he was very smart, especially with numbers.
Before getting in their own cars, they hugged. Ella felt desperate to move on. "Thanks for listening and being my friend."
"Are you sure that's all we are?" She smiled, because she knew he wanted more. "I propose we kiss to make sure feelings aren't going to mess up our friendship."
She looked up at him. "You want to kiss me?"
He drew her in and she felt his lips on hers. They were soft and gentle. He added a little intensity and she pulled away. "I'm sorry. It was nice, but I'm destined to be alone."
"It's okay. Now we can be friends."
"Hey, Tony, can we let the family think we're more than friends? I want them to stop worrying about me."
"Yeah, okay. For now..."
He hugged her and walked to his car. She sat in her car and watched him drive away. How she wished she felt something for him, but she was convinced a part of her died the day she got the letter.
Ava called her just after she arrived home. "How was your dinner with Tony?"
"It was really good. He's so sweet."
"So are you two dating?"
"I don't know, maybe. He kissed me. It was nice." She tried to protect Tony.
"Nice? Nice is what you say about a conversation, not a kiss!"
"He's a good kisser is that what you wanted to hear."
"I don't doubt it. He's Italian after all."
"You're just jealous, because he's attracted to me."
"El, I just want you to be happy and if kissing Tony makes you happy then I'm glad."
Ella wanted to tell her it didn't make her happy, but Ava was tired of dealing with unhappy Ella. Perhaps she should just try some of her acting skills and pretend to be happy for the sake of her family.
When she shut out her light, she tried to think about Tony's kiss. She imagined his lips on hers and waited for some kind of physical response. Her heart was injured beyond repair. She kept thinking it didn't smell right and then she realized Tony didn't smell like Joe. The bigger problem was she couldn't remember his scent anymore, but she would know it if she ever smelled it. She remembered the first time she really took in his scent. It was in the auditorium on the first day of school. She had already decided he was really cute and nice, but once he leaned in her nerves went haywire. She reacted to his pheromones which were programmed especially for her.
Ella turned on her side and curled up hugging her pillow and cried herself to sleep.
Friday night her band was playing at a venue in Portland they played at often. It was small and typically packed with fans. They attracted a wide range of ages, but mostly older people. She joked about a room full of middle-aged divorcees trying to get lucky. Poor Tony sat at a table alone, because Ava stayed in Boston for the weekend. She feared some cougar might try to get her claws into him. During the first break between sets, she went to sit with him. He had a beer waiting for her and she took a long sip to quench her thirst.
His smile beamed. "That was great!"
"Thanks." She loved performing and was happy at the moment. "You know you don't have to sit here alone on a Friday night just for me."
"I tried to get Uncle Michael to come, but he backed out. I should have asked Nick and Sara, but they would need a babysitter, so I figured they wouldn't want to."
"Next time... I'll ask them." She smiled thinking of how happy her uncle was to have Sara. Fiona was walking and the cutest little thing. Bridget didn't leave the poor baby alone, but really no one else did. She played the adults too, going from one to another, but the one Fiona had wrapped around her little finger was her Uncle Tim, except for her own daddy. It was hard to believe Bridget was seven and Jack was five, to Ella they were just babies like Fiona.
She finished her drink and headed to the restroom. In the corner, there was a group of familiar faces. They were some of her colleagues from school and in the mix were Owen and Natalie. She never should have told Owen she had a gig. She waved but didn't have time to stop. She needed to be on stage.
Ella felt nervous knowing they were out there. Her mind always went to one place. Would he tell Joe? Did she want Joe to know she was singing? Thankfully, the lights prevented her from seeing their faces. She could see Tony and she smiled at him and got lost in the music. Once she started singing she didn't think of anything, but the song. It was the perfect respite from her own mind perhaps it was why she felt happy on nights she sang.
It wasn't until her last song that she remembered she had an audience. She always ended the night with When I Fall In Love. Leaving the stage she went straight to Tony who had another Shipyard draft waiting for her. She drank it, as he raved about her performance.
He stopped abruptly. "What's wrong?"
She smiled a thin smile and shaking her head, she replied, "Nothing. There's just a group from school here."
She was fine with leading her family on about the nature of her relationship with Tony, but what did she want others to think? What did she want Owen to think? Did she want Joe to hear she had a boyfriend? Cursing herself because if he heard she moved on she would somehow be letting him off the hook for stamping on her heart. It would only be worse, because she hadn't moved on and deep inside hoped he felt guilty.
She would have to decide, because she saw Owen and Natalie heading her way. Just seeing them together hurt, because of all the overnights she had with Joe. The other couple was always there, laughing and hanging out. They had become really close friends and Joe took them from her too.
They both smiled at her and Owen reached her first.
"Ella, you were amazing!" His voice was full of excitement.
Ella could only think, tell him, tell Joe. She smiled and before she realized what was happening, Natalie hugged her.
"I miss you, El. You don't have to stay away from us." Natalie's voice was soft in her ear.
She whispered back. "I can't. It's too hard. I'm sorry."
When Natalie released her Owen and Tony were shaking hands. Luckily Tony referred to himself as her friend.
Natalie smiled at Tony, but turned her attention back to Ella. "Please tell me you'll come to the wedding."
Ella shook her head. "I'll be away right after school gets out."
Tony caught her eyes, because he knew nothing about her plans. There was no way she could go to a wedding with Joe Walch and his wife. She knew he would be Owen's best man.