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Xavier
I keep my eyes fixed on the plate of spaghetti bolognese in front of me, poking my fork at it like it's a dead cat. It's not that it tastes bad. It tastes delicious. I just don't want the taste of it to take away the taste lingering on my lips right now.
The taste of Haley's kiss.
Subconsciously, I lick my lower lip, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply through my nose to clear my head.
The fact that Haley is sitting next to me is enough to distract me from everything else, and I glance at her from the corners of my eyes to see her doing exactly what I'm doing -- playing with her food and waiting for the moment we'll be alone again.
Her gaze flickers my way and our eyes meet. One side of my lips lifts in an automatic smile and color rises in Haley's cheeks. She looks down, causing her hair to fall on either side of her face and hide her awkwardness form my view. I don't understand how this girl can still be embarrassed with a kiss after what we did not too long ago.
And what we might be doing soon again.
I'm no horny pervert, but just the thought of being with Haley is enough to wipe away all thoughts of food and rest from my mind.
"Haley, how's the guestroom?"
Both Haley and I look up at her father, then at each other, then her father again. I'm frowning to myself, my fork hovering over my plate of spaghetti. Elias looks up at his daughter, raising his eyebrows questioningly.
"I'm ... I'll check?" Haley asks in confusion.
"That'd be nice." Elias smiles. "I want Xavier to feel right at home."
I continue to frown, not from confusion this time but rather from awkwardness. The glow on Haley's face has lit up the entire kitchen, and I hate to wipe it away. Unfortunate,ly I have to.
"I'm ... that's very nice of you, sir," I say to the man who looks my way. "But ... I can't stay."
Putting down the fork and moving my hands under the table to rest them on my thighs to hide how clammy they have suddenly become, I fix my gaze on my untouched dinner.
"Is everything okay, Xavier?" Elias asks me, his face serious and tone soft.
"Actually ... no," I confess, sucking in a puff of air and stiffening my already aching shoulders.
Every bone in my body is beyond exhausted, but my mind wants nothing more than to clear things up before I let these father and daughter take care of me again. They need to know what they have to be prepared for.
"I ... I might move out of city," I drop the bomb. "Just for a while --" I add quickly, glancing at Haley who is as white as paper. "I can't stay here, it's ... I just ..." my initial confidence has faded away and the ghostly look on Haley's face has taken my breath away.
Not in a good way this time.
"Haley --" I begin.
She jumps to her feet, pushing back her chair and already at the door of the kitchen before I can stop her. Swallowing hard, I look down in embarrassment, hating how much pain I cause her.
What am I supposed to do? Stay here until the cops come knocking at her door to ask about me? She deserves better than a guy who is getting interrogated about his mother's suicide and his stepdad's absence, and getting tested for the amount of drugs in his bloodstream. She deserves better than a guy who can't promise her a future because he doesn't have one.
I hear pacing, quick and heavy. I hear huffing and desperate exhales of breath. I hear the pain I cause her.
"It's okay, Xavier," Elias comforts me the way his daughter won't. "She'll come around. You do what you need to do and --"
"Oh, sure, go ahead!"
Her voice makes both her father and I look towards the kitchen entrance.
"What are you actually going to do?" Haley asks seriously, looking so much like a grown woman and not at all like the girl who was just sitting next to me and shying away from my gaze two minutes ago.
I shrug cautiously, not really sure. I don't know if I have any family and I barely have any friends. I have no money to rent a house and nobody will even keep me, knowing I'm still underage. And disappearing might cause the cops to get suspicious. I just want to avoid social services, but there isn't really an alternative.
"So, you just want to do everything on your own," Haley infers. "You're just going to leave instead of trying to come up with a solution and you expect me to be okay with it?"
"Haley," her father warns.
"It's okay, sir," I intervene, swallowing back the hurt. I don't blame Haley. She's been here for me when no one was, and me telling her I'm leaving without thinking about her must be hurting her. Her mom left her without thinking of her, and to Haley, I'm doing the same thing.
"Yeah," Haley says softly. "It's okay. Just leave. Not that you care what I say."
"That's not true," I blurt out, looking up at her. "I do care --"
"You don't act like it," she says, her voice dropping low.
She's not angry, just helpless. Her forehead crumpled like newspaper, Haley keeps her distrustful gaze fixed on me. I feel like I'm disappointing her, like I'm running rather than facing what life has thrown my way.
"I don't trust words," she says, her voice clear and strong. "I never do when it comes to you. If you care, I need you to act like it. If not ... you're free to go."
I can't blame her for saying what she's saying, but something about the defeated look on her face and the light close to flickering out in her eyes tears into my heart. Haley spins on her heels and I jump up before I can stop myself.
"Haley, wait!" I run after her, into the living room, catching up to her when she's at the first step of the stairs.
She neither stops nor looks back at me, not until I grab her arms and spin her around to face me.
"Don't --" I begin breathlessly.
"You don't!" she breathes, glaring at me with a mixture of anger and disappointment. "Don't ... go." Her voice breaks.
I hate it. I hate that I'm letting her down. I hate that I'm making her cry. I hate that I'm the cause of the tears sparkling in her usually lively eyes.
'A good man doesn't make women cry, Xav,' my dad had once told me, when I had accidentally pushed a girl during playtime in my preschool class. 'A good man ... wipes tears. Not causes them.' He had smiled proudly when I had told him the next day that I'd apologized and given her my lunch to make up for my mistake.
I don't have anything to compensate for Haley's tears today, but I do wipe them away. I take her wet face in my hands and wipe her cheeks dry with my thumbs, pulling Haley into a hug and kissing the top of her head.
"Do you know how worried I was about you?" she says. "How many times I wished you'd answer your phone so I'd know you're fine. Safe. Okay. I couldn't stop thinking about it, where you might be. What if your Dad found you and hurt you? What if those guys from the warehouse did something? What if the police, what if someone like Dray got to you? I was scared shitless thinking what if you jumped from the school building ..."
Her voice breaks and so does my heart.
"Haley, I'm sorry," I breathe into her hair. "You don't deserve this."
"Then don't do this," she says. "Don't just leave. You can stay here and we'll find a way, Xavier. Where will you go? You're going to be alone and I'm going to be worried about you and ..."
Her eyes are red and angry, and I don't like that she's feeling this way because of me. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to fight. I don't want to be that person she'll go to bed cursing. I don't want to be the person who broke her heart.
"Tell me what to do?" I ask helplessly.
The answer sparkles in her eyes, and I can read it, hear it loud and clear in the space between us.
"Stay," is her simple response.
What do I say? What do I tell her?
"We'll figure everything else out, Xavier," she says to me, reaching out and taking my hand. "Just don't leave."
Her beseeching gaze is fixed on my face and I don't know how I'm supposed to resist that. No matter how much I know I'm going to regret it later, I can't walk away now. Not when I know it will break her.
"Okay," I obey.
"Really?" Haley's eyes are wide with disbelief.
I nod, not having it in me to turn her down. What man in his right mind would turn down a girl willing to put up with all his crazy bullshit?
Haley closes her eyes, bowing her head and letting her shoulders slump. Relief washes over her beautiful features, and I can't help but relax.
Neither of us says a word, but Haley gives my hand a gentle squeeze, letting her touch ease the tension in every muscle of my body. I let her, relishing the feeling of having someone beside me for once. I allow the feeling to envelop me, knowing I might not have it forever.
Knowing I might lose it sooner than I think.
I end up on the living-room couch, turning down Elias's offer of cleaning the guestroom at midnight. Him allowing me space in his house, to feel safe and respected, is more than I can ask for. This man has done more for me than anyone in my life, and I can't thank him enough for it.
Darkness falls around me and I let the softness of the couch cushions under my cheek soothe my exhausted body. Haley has gone upstairs to her room, not resisting her father when he asked her to go to sleep. Elias is just through the door towards my feet, and he was kind enough to tell him if I need anything during the night.
Despite the anxiety biting at the pit of my stomach and trying to claw up my chest, I close my eyes and visualize a future where there won't be anything to worry about. I'm a realist, not a daydreamer. I don't expect the best, but I do hope for things to work out. Maybe if I do stay here for the next three months, hiding away from child-services and staying out of sight, I could actually have a shot at doing something with my life.
I don't know how long I've been asleep, when a slight touch on my cheek startles me awake. I grab in the dark and a gasp roots me to reality. Even through the semi-darkness and my sleep-drunk eyes, I see Haley kneeling next to the couch I'm on.
"Haley?" I gasp, my fingers curled firmly around her wrist. "What are you doing here?"
Her gaze lowers to the ground, and she licks her lips before answering.
"I ... came to make sure you're okay," she lies.
I don't blame her for lying, though. I understand her position. She's like me in this, paranoid and insecure. She probably thought I was lying, trying to convince her I'll stay but sneak out during the night without her knowing. If I was her, I would also be afraid to wake up to find an empty couch.
But I wouldn't do that to her. I can't.
Slowly removing my fingers from around her wrist, I slide them through hers, holding her hand to my cheek and letting the coolness calm me. Keeping my gaze fixed on hers, I try to formulate words.
"Sleep with me?" I ask, no pun intended.
Haley nods without a moment's hesitance. Pulling back and squeezing myself against the back of the couch, I lift my covers to make space for Haley. She gets up and right next to me, wrapping her arms around my waist before I lower the covers on top of our intertwined bodies.
Her warmth fills me to the brim, and I close my eyes, inhaling deeply. Despite the congested space, I've never been more comfortable. Never have I felt more at peace. Never have I felt more whole. More complete.
I just hope I don't leave her broken.
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