— I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone;
& all I lov'd, I lov'd alone. . . —
Normally you had a talent for putting everything into words, whether it was someone's kindness or beauty, the way you admired & loved them or the other way round; how you /felt/ about something or even someone in particular… But the look in his eyes the moment you were finally courageous enough to share the truth with him was something that made you lose nearly all of your confidence just as fast as you had gathered it, literally causing your arduously built facade to crumble & fall apart piece by piece. Moreover, in spite of being closer to him than you had ever been before you completely failed to grasp the emotion his eyes were uncontrollably radiating with, whether he was in utter disbelief & therefore about to label you a liar or so taken by surprise that he could not find the right words to respond just yet - none of that you could tell for sure.
The longer he stared, the more you wondered; that facade of yours kept crumbling & crumbling as the silence that surrounded the both of you seemingly grew more deafening with every passing second, pushing yet another thorn into your aching heart.
Soon, you did no longer tremble but shake almost violently so that even the last bit of strength you had left in you came to cease, resulting in Pelle's hand inevitably slipping out of your grasp as he decided to take a step away from you, a part of his frame now slowly merging with the shadows.
“ … Pelle, don— ”
What do I care for the hearts of the living? Weak, manipulable… So easy to mislead & subjugate. All it takes is yet another decade filled with life's miserable ways, more of its dull & ill-clad ethics & before you can even grasp the meaning of your own existence you'll end up being forgotten again, erased from everyone's memories like a long defeated disease…
As will I.
There is no room for the dead in the world of the living, neither inside their memories nor their hearts. No more than a few dozen blinks & I won't even be a skidmark in history anymore…
You will see for yourself…
A sickening sensation inside your stomach as if someone had penetrated your flesh with a knife & started to twist it slowly; though the desire to approach him again was still as overwhelming as before the chances of doing so were shrinking at an alarming pace due to your knees being so weak, you could barely stand upright anymore. A gasp, breathless & pathetic, falling from your trembling lips like leaves from a tree during the early hours of autumn, destined to be torn to shreds by freezing tempests.
“ No… You are wrong… ”
You weren't even able to hear yourself at this point, that's how faint your whisper sounded. Against your very will your vision grew blurry almost simultaneously, the finest contours transmogrified into stains of grey & black as warm tears flooded your eyes & all you could do was shut them tightly to prevent those tears from falling, keeping them locked away behind heavy eyelids. Your throat, burning with emotions that you were too scared to share, restrained & smothered; every time you swallowed it felt like drinking acid. And the winds, they blew… & the sorrow, it grew…
“ No… Don't leave again… Don't disappear.
Please don't go where I can't /follow/ ! ”
There it was at last. Your weakness. Your vulnerability. Your /humanity/…
Dead or not, your very being still harboured it all; so much of it, you could share it with the world & still have enough for yourself.
All your efforts to remain the untouched fortress amongst ruin & debris had been in vain & yet, little did you care. All the warmth, love & security he had not experienced in his short terrestrial existence; all the sincere & breathtaking beauty of the outer world during even the darkest of nights as well as the soul-deep admiration his fans upheld for him even decades after his suicide - you wanted him to know & - most importantly - /feel/ it all…
And thus, as though guided by the invisible hands of something greater, perhaps divine, your body leapt forward the same moment you opened your eyes, granting your tears to flow freely. Bereft of doubt, bereft of fear, with both eyes fixated upon Pelle's gradually darkening countenance due to him retreating back into the night you ran as fast as your feet could possibly carry you, straight out of the light cone into the darkness everlasting old.
The cold that awaited you there took your breath away in an instant & you could literally feel how the tears on your cheeks began to freeze, soon rolling down the surface of your skin like the smallest of marbles & falling to the ground only to shatter. But you kept moving forward, driven by fierce determination & before you could lose yourself in the eternal night your body had already collided with that of Pelle, the impact knocking the air right out of your lungs. Like tendrils wrapped your slender arms around his lifeless self for an embrace so tight, your forehead sank into his strong chest where not a single heartbeat would disturb the quiescence that reigned his core, with a sigh heavy & sorrowful but oh so relieved…
Why do you —
“ You are being loved, Pelle…
You are being loved & missed so much, neither words nor actions could possibly ever make you understand how loud all those hearts started screaming once yours went silent…
But if you listen closely, you can still hear the echoes… ”
To your surprise he chose to remain still, motionless as a statue. His strong gaze was undoubtedly fixed on you & you could almost feel it, but it was alright. This moment here & now with him, however unsettling & dismal the lifeless world that surrounded you… It was perfect; everything you could've ever asked for. That & even more…
“ I'm sorry no one saw the sadness in your smile before it was too late…
I'm sorry the world chose to go deaf when you were screaming the loudest.
I'm sorry no one ever came…
to save you… ”
The cold was more than your lungs could handle as the freezing air turned to razorblades, the pain that spread in your chest with every single breath you took quite bewildering; if you were truly dead, then why did it hurt this much?
A moment so short that felt like an eternity came to pass before you, still hesitant yet no longer slave to fear & doubt, lifted your head like so many times before, however what your eyes found was nothing but impenetrable darkness; it seemed to ooze & drip from the starless firmament like blood from a wound, covering the lands of cold decay with an unblessed cloak. The moon, the only source of light this place had to offer, barely able to make it through the several layers of what could be considered an eternal night.
However impossible to see a single thing you were able to feel once his eyes met with yours. It was nothing short of surreal to say the least, but then again so was everything else…
“ I am so sorry. ”
And as if in trance, uncaring for any kind of possible consequences, a single hand was raised in order to reach out for his face, gliding through the wintry air slowly & gently as a feather. Your fingertips were trembling after all though this time not the cold was to blame, but the overwhelming excitement that was shooting through your body similar to electricity.
Once your fingers grazed his cheek for the gentlest touch your lips would form a smile; the very first smile this desolate wasteland had ever seen. But other than the flawless surface of silken skin there was something else under your fingertips, something that was supposed to remain hidden in night's dark shade.
Him retreating into night's embrace upon hearing your words, it finally made sense now.
Pelle did not make a sound & he needn't to, for the cool moisture beneath your fingertips already said it all...
Tears.