The sadness in me is like a vine that entwines around my heart, the blossoming grapes a grim reminder of how much it is flourishing; how much I have let it take control over me. But too much of anything is poison. The grapes that make wine—if ingested too much, is sour for the liver, slowly expunging blood from it, shriveling it up until the body it is contained in is the same. My grapes will lead to the same outcome; the serenity of death.
I can't stop thinking about him, his arms around me, his lips against mine—soft and pressing. The way his eyes, such a blue they were, could turn a stormy grey in anger, cobalt in happiness, aquamarine when he was tranquil and a pale blue when he was at bliss. I saw his cobalt's more than his stormy greys. Well, I had for the longest of times, before I realized they had never been a cobalt blue, but midnight. An unusual black soulless, blue.
"Willow, why are you out drinking with us on your wedding anniversary?" Jaya tips her glass in my direction.
Cali nods in agreement. "Your ten-year anniversary is supposed to be a celebration in the sheets if you know what I mean." She shoots me her classic meme face and I laugh.
"Well, Jake had a business meeting and he is in London. He won't be back until tomorrow. It was an emergency. He couldn't help it, guys." I take a sip of my martini, hoping my friends don't see the tears I can feel gathering at the edge of my mascara ridden eyes, hoping they can't see the smile falling from my lips. Cali's brief knowing look suggests otherwise.
The truth is, I had forgotten to cook dinner he'd asked for the day before because I had gone out with Cali and Jaya and let time pass me by. Jake had been enraged, sitting in the dark until I had come home. Angry whispers had turned into shouts. Then, they had turned into bruises. My hips, my back
It is not the first time it has happened. It won't be the last. And no one knows, for the mask, I fit on is so perfect, so immaculate—Jaya's nails have to compete with it.
Suddenly, they both let out a small squeal as they glance behind me and I frown at them. Jaya points her hands at something and I turn in my seat.
The very same way my breath had caught ten years ago when I saw him, it catches now. Despite our differences, that all-consuming fire of our love still rages on. It still does now, dousing me in flames and as his beautiful, beautiful eyes fall on me and he gives me that smile—the one the makes my heart stutter like a butterfly's wings before they take to the sky.
Cali grins. "You were saying?"
I get up, almost mechanically and walk towards him, kissing him as we meet. His arms circle my waist and I can't help but grimace when his fingers trail over my bruise even if my dress is covering it. He doesn't seem to notice.
He leans forward. "I am sorry for yesterday, baby. Want to get out of here?"
I nod, giving my giggling friends goodbye as Jake pulls me away. We are home in what feels like minutes and then we are tumbling into the bed. I open my mouth to say we have to pick up our twin girls later but he claims my mouth with his and shushes me.
The rest of the night is bliss.
Until the morning comes.
I awake to the smell of something delicious and I roll over to find Jake sitting at the edge of the bed, holding a steaming plate of food. Smiling, I raise myself onto my elbows.
"Breakfast in bed. What did I do to deserve this?"
"My apology for the day before and a belated anniversary gift." He leans in to give me kiss and I have to push him back, laughing, before spills the orange juice.
"Watch it, Jake." It was one of those days then. The days Jake was an absolute sweetheart when he pretended our marriage wasn't falling apart at the seams. It was a day when both of us would stare at a metaphorical wall of the masks in our mind we would do for the day and realize we wanted to wear a mask of happiness, of pretending like everything was ok.
I open the plate and see bread and bacon...and scrambled eggs. I grimace.
"Jake, babe. Ten years and you don't know I hate scrambled eggs. I love omelets, babe." I laugh awkwardly.
"You have never told me that."
Affronted, I throw the covers away, dangling my legs over the edge of the bed. "Yes, I have. Jake, I never eat scrambled eggs when we go out of town and we stay at hotels."
"Well, you have not told me, and I thought you did."
"Ten years of marriage, Jake and you still don't know?" I can feel the anger surging up on me. It was always the little things. How he didn't know I hated peanut butter or I liked rainy days over the sunny ones.
He suddenly gets up, his pale facing surging with red. The breakfast clashes to the floor and I flinch.
He has clearly let the façade of us as a happy couple drop, and I do too. I know my brown eyes have turned amber in the light of the morning and my anger. I know his eyes are a stormy grey, I know him; which is why it hurts so damn much.
"Why can't you just be happy that I have done this for you?"
"I am! I just don't like scrambled eggs."
"Well, you could have pretended to like it. Why can't you do anything right, Willow?"
I get up as well, crossing my arms."What have I ever done wrong?"
"Everything."
I scoff. "Everything?"
"Yes."
"Fuck you, Jake. Fuck you."
Seconds later, my cheek stings. I look at his raised palm, my nostrils flaring.
"Mind your words, bitch."
I want to cry, but I submerge my tears. A calm mask, silent. Unwavering. It was always the one that diffused his anger, the one that was resolute.
However, when he shoots me a smug smile, I let myself lose it, clawing at him with my hands. Moments later, I am gasping on the floor, clutching my stomach from the blow he just delivered, my eyes blurring. He is gone when my eyes open again.
I suddenly cough and speckles of blood spray across my hand.
Shit.
I reach for my drawer where my phone is, calling Cali.
"Cali? Can you please come over? I need your help. It's important."
She's at my home twenty minutes later, seeing me rocking near the bed. I give her an emotionless glance, trying to keep up a brave front. But one sympathetic look from her and I break.
"Oh, Cali, I can't do this anymore."
The sounds of the waves crash through my bones. My feet were dangling off a bed months ago and now they dangle off a cliff.
Calico is next to me, her bare, shorts-clad legs next to mine. "What are you thinking of?" Her voice is so soft, her auburn curls pulled back into a tight ponytail, showing her youthful, kind face.
"How sadness is like a vine. I can't believe it has been eight months since I left him. I miss him. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Those first few years, they were so good, you know? I loved him. I still do. I don't want to, but I do." I can feel my voice cracking and she runs a soothing palm down my back.
"You knew it was all pretend, right? These past few years you were acting as if you were happy. There has been a great weight on you for a long time, Willow. I know it because I have seen it. I have been watching you, waiting for you to speak up one day."
I turn toward her, shocked. "You knew what Jake did?"
She shakes her head. "No. But I knew you were not yourself. I have known you your whole life, Willow. I know who you are and who you are not. Do you remember, in high school, when Robbie broke up with you, you pretended you were all fine? But I would see the way your eyes would glaze over, the way you sometimes just stood without walking, lost. Even when someone would insult you, you would get angry, but it was never real, was it? That was the first time I saw it."
I shake my head. "You're such a creeper for observing me like that."
She laughs. "I learned a lot about masking my emotions from you, you know. Imitating you. I was too emotional, according to my mom. Let everyone see what I felt. Put my heart on my sleeve."
"That is not a bad thing."
She tucks a curl of her hair behind my ear and then tucks my own brown lock behind mine. "It isn't, but in this world, we all need masks to live, because if we let another person see our true selves it is terrifying."
I swallow hard. "I let Jake see that, for a long time, because I loved him."
Jake. My Jake.
"I know, and one day you'll be ready to do it again. With the right person, you can let your guard down. Jake wasn't right for you." She gets up and gives me hand to grab on. I pull myself up.
"Now, no more talk of pretenses. Let's actually get happy with.... dum, dum dum, gelato!" She grins and tugs me away.
The sound of the waves follows me, the haunting blue of their depths the remnant of a ghost of my life.
But one day I will be able to look at the oceans without thinking of him. One day, blue will just be another color.
One day, maybe I would have to try so hard to hide my heart and my feelings anymore.
One day, I could let the mask slip and it could stay that way.
One day.
For week 7
Pretty cliche I know, but the story I actually wanted to write-- I didn't have time to write it so I edited this one.
What do you think? Poetic? cringy? the latter and I agree. I had a dark fantasy piece in mind but time :((((
I hope one of these days my entry is good enough to win one round lmao.