She laid still, her eyes tracing the ceiling. The same ceiling she had opened her eyes to after the night she'd never remember. The panic that tore her from her sense of logic, the fear of the unknown. In a matter of days and nights, she would wake up in the same place, having experienced a lifetime in a matter of months, and everything would be changed.
She could feel it now; God had always been meant to be experienced outside the four walls of the church. In everything. In her every breath, in her every thought. After experiencing the unthinkable, she knew she needed to be broken before she could be made whole again. This morning was only the beginning.
Her bare feet hit the cool wooden floor of Shawn's bedroom. She pushed the hair out of her face, and turned towards the mirror. Her cheek bone was purple, her eyes swollen from the tears. She looked old to herself, and she supposed she was. It was as if a new person staring back at her.
She slowly opened the door. Looking down the hallway, she could see the lump on the couch that was Shawn's body. She felt her eyes sting and she couldn't help the gratefulness of all he had done for her.
He alone was a miracle. God's gift to her; the vessel to helping her find the way back home. She had never experienced a love like his from another person; his forgiveness, patience, the way he challenged her. He fought for her, pushed her, and he was the prime example of what love was supposed to be. Just a minuscule earthly glimpse of what God's love was like.
When she walked into the family room, he stirred and sat up instantly.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, sitting down on the edge of the couch next to him. "I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."
"No, no," Shawn said, rubbing his eyes. Still half asleep, he reached out and caught her wrist, gently pulling her down to the couch with him. She laughed as she laid down and he wrapped her up in his arms.
"Thank you," Jean said, closing her eyes. "For all you've done for me."
"I'm so thankful you're okay," Shawn mumbled, his voice tired. "I have never been more terrified in my life."
"Do not fear," Jean said. "It's biblical."
He sighed. "Jean, I feel partially responsible."
She turned around in his arms so she could look at him. "Shawn, you can't go everywhere with me. You got to stop beating yourself up."
"No, not that," he said. "After what you told me last night about Jesus being there with you." She watched his jaw twitch as he shook her head, pausing before going on. "At Zeiler's wedding, I knew you were in the beginning stages of seeking Jesus. I prayed that night that Jesus would do whatever it took for you to know him."
His eyes turned glassy and he sat up. "I never knew what you'd have to go through to get there."
Jean sighed, sitting up with him to look him in the eyes. Her own eyes were burning at just the thought of the fear she had experienced. She knew she was going to have some long days and nights ahead of her. "You know me though. I tend to run away from things I don't understand or things that are, you know, good for me."
She took a deep breath. "I'd like to think there would be a different way for me to come to know God. But after what I went through...the fear I felt..." She couldn't find the words to explain what she had experienced. She waited until the lump in her throat passed. "The only thing greater than that fear I felt was experiencing what God was capable of."
She pressed her forehead against his shoulder.
"You know, it's like that verse that makes no sense. Be happy in your hard times or whatever? Because it grows your endurance?" She laughed to herself. "I get it now."
She looked out the window at the orange glow on his front lawn casted by the rising sun. "I guess if we never, ever had any trials to begin with, would anyone even think to turn to Jesus in the first place?"
Shawn smiled at her comment, knowing then that Scottie's prayer from the night before was answered. He was still worried about the nights to come, but he knew she would be alright. He couldn't believe the faithfulness of God, and how the drunk girl from the bar he had rescued was somehow ministering to him now.
***
"How are you feeling?"
Shawn didn't tell Jean about her mom being in town for two days. They sat in the parking lot of the hotel as Jean stared ahead at the building. She had agreed to meet her mom at the hotel she was staying at.
Shawn was shocked by how calm she was when he told her; she didn't even seem surprised. When he asked, she told him that after what had happened to her, nothing could ever shock her again. He believed it.
"I'm okay," she said, unbuckling her seatbelt, her eyes never leaving the building. "I guess part of me is thinking she won't actually be inside."
"Didn't you just call her?"
"Yeah, but still."
Shawn laughed and leaned over to press his lips to her cheek. "I'm praying for you."
Jean didn't feel anxious until her hand was on the door of the hotel. This was the same woman who couldn't even show up to her graduation because she had an important meeting that day. She had somehow taken enough time off work to fly back and wait multiple days until Jean was ready to speak to her?
Well, she had witnessed absolute miracles before, so she assumed if her mom was here, this was one of them.
Her heart beat quicker and quicker when she walked through the doors. She didn't know if she was more scared to not find her mom or more scared to talk to her in person. Would she hug her? Would her mom be defensive? She fidgeted with her hands in front of her but shook them and plastered them to her sides.
Scanning the room, she saw her. She recognized her instantly. She still looked the same in a way. Her blonde hair was cropped shorter than the last time she saw her, and she was dressed up in a skirt and blouse. She was sitting in an armchair, looking down at her phone.
Jean's mouth went completely dry, and she stopped in her tracks. Part of her wanted to turn around and run back out the door. She could lie and tell Shawn that she didn't show. No, that wouldn't be right. She had faced evil and conquered, she shouldn't be afraid now. ,
As she stood frozen, she watched as her mom lifted her eyes and looked around the room. She was looking for her. Jean couldn't move, and she felt paralyzed when her mom saw her and did a double take.
Her heart was slamming against her rib cage, and she watched as her mom stood from across the room, the corners of her mouth lifting into a smile.
Jean didn't know if she herself was upset or angry or happy to see her mom. She didn't know if she was dreading this encounter or if she was excited. Regardless, she forced herself to step forward, closing the distance between herself and her mother.
No matter how terrible her parents had treated her, no matter how much she wanted to hate them and pretend they didn't exist, she knew that deep in her soul, she longed for things to have been different.
If your parents are supposed to be your first love, she supposed parents could also break your heart. Jean guessed the reason broken hearts hurt so much was because you never stopped loving them in the first place. Did she really stop loving her parents, or was she just too hurt to admit that she still did?
The sight of her mom did something to her, and she couldn't believe the emotions that were overflowing within her. Then she did something she never thought she would do if she saw her mother again.
She started to cry.
Maybe it was because of her concussion or the fact that she was exhausted and overwhelmed by the events that transpired in the past couple days, but she knew it was because as much as she denied it to protect herself, she was hers. The person that gave life to her. She loved her despite trying not to. No matter how many times she had failed her, she always would. She wished it hadn't been seven years since she last saw her. She wished she could call her and talk to her about the things that daughters do with their moms. Now she was here, and she was so overwhelmed she couldn't stop the tears in her eyes.
"Oh darling," her mom said, her smile huge as she walked up to hug Jean. Tears were glinting in her own eyes. It was such an odd feeling, hugging someone you used to know. "You look so beautiful. I'm so happy you're okay."
Jean sat down, too overwhelmed to say a word.
"We got your letter," her mom said. "Honey, why didn't you ever tell us you felt that way? We would have loved for you to come and visit."
The shock hit her in the stomach. Jean took a deep breath, knowing she needed to be honest and stop pretending everything was fine like she always did.
"I didn't think I needed to tell you for you to know. Didn't you think it was strange to go this long without visiting? You never invited me over for the holidays."
Her mom looked down at her hands. "Jean, we did. Don't you remember? The first couple years we always asked for you to come down. We offered to pay for your flight. But you said you needed to work and always had an excuse."
Jean crumpled her eyebrows, trying to remember those days.
"You did?" Jean asked. The more she thought about it, the more she started to remember those details. Had she been so bitter about what had happened that she just told them no?
"Yes, but we shouldn't have stopped asking," her mom said. "I'm your mother and I should have tried more."
Jean felt shocked to hear her mom admit her fault. Growing up, she never admitted to being wrong. Had she somehow changed over the past seven years? She had to of, she was actually here.
Her mom's jaw twitched and she looked back at her hands. "You know, you said in your letter that you felt like we didn't try with you. That you were an inconvenience." Her mom shook her head. "You weren't that, Jean."
"Then why?" Jean asked, not able to raise her voice above a whisper. Why didn't they try more with her?
Her mom spoke softly. "There's no excuse Jean, there's not." She paused, biting her lip as she swallowed deeply before continuing. "Your father and I, neither of us had very much growing up. Meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me feel special, and I was willing to do anything for him."
Her mom took a deep breath, blinking away more tears. "When the business started to take off, we were finally able to pay our bills and live comfortably for the first time. I had never owned anything nice, so not only were we not worrying about money, I was able to get things that I wanted. That was never a reality for me."
She kept stopping. It was obviously hard to her to talk about. "Then you came along, and yes you were a surprise, but I loved you so much. However, the company needed me so you had to start daycare. The first weeks I would cry because I wanted to be with you, but our company was in the early stages and it would fall apart when I was gone. I couldn't imagine what it would do to your father if his big break failed."
Jean's heart felt heavy. Did her mom actually cry because she missed her?
Her mom wiped the tears from her face. "Then I found out that I missed the first time you rolled over, the first time you crawled, your first steps. It was too painful, and I knew I had messed up and I couldn't take it back. So I guess I just distanced myself from you to protect myself from getting hurt anymore. It was selfish and wrong, but I didn't know at the time how else to handle it."
Her mom wiped her eyes. "Then I got your letter, and I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend I wasn't avoiding you. So I came here and I found out you were missing. I thought it was the universe punishing me for being a terrible mother. I knew that if something happened to you, I would never get a chance to tell you I messed up. I chose your father and his business over you, and I've been running away from that shame your entire life." She took a deep breath. "I know your father loves you too, he's just not that great at showing it." Tears fell from her mom's eyes. "I'm so sorry, Jean. For everything."
Shock was an understatement. Jean felt her world collapsing around her. Jean had never heard either of her parents say those words. She couldn't believe what had just come out of her mom's mouth. She expected excuses for why she wasn't here, but instead she admitted to what Jean has always known.
Jean knew she wasn't very different from her mom. She ran away from things that were hard. When things seemed too far gone, she gave up. She had done it to Shawn, and she supposed that she did the same thing with her parents; she stopped trying too. She had turned to her mom one last time when she was sixteen, and when it failed, she had decided that day that she was done.
Living in bitterness and resentment was no way to live her life. She wanted freedom. She wanted a new beginning. Jesus was calling her towards a life that was brand new, and she would do what he called her to do. If he had enough mercy to forgive her and rescue her from her enemies, than the very least she could do was forgive her mom.
She didn't want to just be a believer; she wanted to be a follower.
"It's okay," she whispered, smiling through the pain in her voice. "I forgive you."
____________________________________
Thanks for reading! ONLY ONE PART LEFT (TWO INCLUDING EPILOGUE). I can't believe this story is coming to an end!
Fun fact: I WROTE THIS ENTIRE 106,000 WORD BOOK ON MY PHONE? Did I mention that to you guys yet? #RIPmyEYESIGHT
my computer broke so....
I had a work computer but they frown upon me researching facts on strippers and whatnot...
However I grew up and bought a chrome book and got myself some glasses from ye old LensCrafters and NOW I CAN EDIT WITHOUT DESTROYING MY EYES FURTHER.
I have so much editing to do, but I do have some plans for my future books! Not exactly sequels to this, but related ;) just you wait and see!